Brandon's Top 20 Funniest Film Roles

This one ended up being way harder than I thought it would, because there were just so many roles that came up.  In fact, this was going to be a top ten list but that was just a list of classic comedy roles (hilarious sure, but not a lot of fun), and adding just five to the list didn’t give it enough snap.  Twenty seemed good, but there were still so many great ones, that I ended up throwing in ten Honorable Mentions.  Also in order to shoehorn extras in here and there I did have to cheat a couple of times and rank an ensemble cast as one role.  If that truly bothers you, go write your own freakin’ list!  Also, its important to remember that these are funniest ROLES, not funniest films.  

ENJOY!

20 - Cooper Harris, EUROTRIP (2004)

Jacob Pitts portrayal of slacker best friend Coop makes the list almost entirely based upon the deadpan delivery Pitts brings to the role.  Whether confronting what he thought was Scott’s coming out to him, blowing off his boss to go to Europe, or finally hooking up with Jenny on the plane ride home, Coop never looses his cool.  Add in his signature quote, “This isn’t where I parked my car…” anytime he’s in a tight spot and he’s a comedy icon.  

Best Scene: Coop’s trip to Club WanderSexxx.

19 - Alan, THE HANGOVER (2009)

Physical comedians will tell you that the number one thing you have to do to make the joke work is to commit to it, and in his breakout role, Zach Galifianakis goes way above and beyond the call.  Sure everyone likes his crazy antics on the car ride to Vegas, and his speech to Doug started a cottage industry (www.wolfpack.com), but the genius of this role lies in the little things, such as his enthusiasm while hugging Eddie or his absolute insistence that tigers hate cinnamon.  And its Galifianakis’ wide eyed portrayal of Alan that makes us not only believe him, but love him at the same time.

Best Scene: Driving into the desert for meeting with Mr. Chow.

18 - Coach Wally Rigg, NECESSARY ROUGHNESS (1991)

Usually cast as a stern but lovable guy in charge (see BIG, OPPORTUNITY KNOCKS, etc..) Robert Loggia is a comfortable face to most of us, so much so that he once did an orange juice add where the entire gimmick was that the kid would only drink his juice because it was Loggia telling him to do it.  And in this role he got to take it a step further and be the wise-ass, take no prisoners yin to Hector Elizondo’s quiet Coach Gennero yang. The result was freaking hilarious, and enduring at the same time.

Best Scene: Rigg’s pre-game speech before the final game.

17 - Van Wilder, NATIONAL LAMPOON’S VAN WILDER (2002)

Crossing over from TV to film can be pretty tricky for most actors, but then most actors don’t get to jump into a role that is undeniably custom made for their talents.  Ryan Reynolds’ star making turn as the ultimate college slacker provided not only decades of idiots like me quoting his shtick any chance I got, but also multiple direct to video sequels and prequels desperate to cash in on his popularity.  And ultimately, what’s not to like about the guy, Van’s actually a genuinely good guy that likes to spread the party around.  Plus he’s got a comedic timing that’s just about unbeatable.

Best Scene: Van’s evening with Gwen’s parents and their friends.

16 - Harry Dunne and Lloyd Christmas- DUMB AND DUMBER (1994)

So inseparable that I had to list them together, Jeff Daniels and Jim Carrey’s iconic performances are probably two of the most quotable characters of all time (“No, it’s a cardigan, but thanks for noticing!”).  When it debuted, it was the third in a string of hits for Carrey (right behind ACE VENTURA: PET DETECTIVE and THE MASK) and he was quickly becoming Hollywood’s most bankable star, so perhaps pairing him with that other cop from SPEED seemed like an odd choice.  When it hit though, these guys became everything that anyone was talking about, and rightfully so.

Best Scene: Tricking Sea Bass into picking up the tab.

15 - Mrs. White - CLUE (1985)

Long time fan favorite Madeline Kahn has had dozens of iconic comedic roles (see YOUNG FRANKENSTEIN, BLAZING SADDLES, ets…) but its her portrayal of the pale and tragic Mrs. White that stands the test of time.  From opening frame to multiple endings, this film’s magic is performed completely by its ensemble cast, and while Tim Curry’s manic Wadsworth gets the screen time, its Kahn who steals the show.  Aided by her complete mastery of the less is more approach to a scene, not to mention her ability to throw her voice from tiny to huge at any given moment, Mrs. White is still my favorite of Kahn’s characters.

Best Scene: Defining her hatred of Yvette.

14 - Dark Helmet - SPACEBALLS (1987)

Believe it or not, there was once a time when no one thought that George Lucas needed a kick in the junk, and therefore any spoof of his beloved STAR WARS would actually be an homage of sorts.  Luckily for us, Mel Brooks was the man for the job, and lucky for him, Rick Moranis was a comedic genius.  By spoofing one of the most visually iconic villains of all time, Moranis could have easily spent the movie behind the mask making breathing jokes and threatening people, but its when he lifts Helmet’s facemask that he’s funniest.  And what better way to contrast Vader than a whining, glasses wearing little guy that pouts at almost everything. Comic Gold.

Best Scene: Playing with his dolls.

13 - Navin R. Johnson - THE JERK (1979)

Much like Kahn in the fact that Steve Martin could conceivably take up multiple spots on this list (in fact, I resisted the temptation to list two separate Martin characters in this one spot), this is undeniably his funniest role.  Stealing liberally from his incredibly popular comedy routine, Martin made the jump from stage to screen at a time when it wasn’t a given that comedians would just do that.  And from its opening scene to its wonderful ending, The Jerk is pure Martin zaniness the entire way.  Some naysayers might say that he’s not really acting (and he is a long way off from the subtle charisma he’ll eventually develop for films like FATHER OF THE BRIDE) but that’s not the point, throughout the entire film, he’s still freaking hilarious.

Best Scene: Storming out of his house and taking the things he’ll need.

12 - Det. Axel Foley - BEVERLY HILLS COP (1984)

Known for his hilarious outbursts and raw standup routines, Eddie Murphy hit his stride when he portrayed the free styling Detroit cop that’s in town to check on a friend and gets involved in a murder investigation. Paired beautifully with stuffy Beverly Hills Detectives Taggert and Rosewood (played by John Ashton and Judge Reinhold), Murphy is allowed to bellow and laugh his way throughout the entire film.  Everything from him getting thrown out of a building to his beautiful attempt at explaining the strip club shoot-out to Taggert and Rosewood’s Captain is a perfect vehicle for Murphy to exude Foley’s swagger and charm.

Best Scene: Visiting the art gallery with Bronson Pinchot.

11 - Sally Albright and Harry Burns - WHEN HARRY MET SALLY (1989)

Forever remembered for the orgasm scene, this film truly went after the issue of can two friends sleep together and remain friends in the morning long before network sitcoms where making it a weekly topic.  And who better than Billy Crystal, then most known for his comic shows and Saturday Night Live, and Meg Ryan, already in the midst of her successful campaign for America’s Sweetheart, for us to latch on to.  From the moment they’re paired up, Harry and Sally couldn’t be more different, and both of them think the other one’s nuts for the first half of the movie.  But once they become friends, they generate the warmth for each other that makes these two such an endearing pair.  

Best Scene: Discussing their day at the museum. 

10 - Jimmy Dugan - A LEAGUE OF THEIR OWN (1992)

Tom Hanks, once again an actor that could own this list (BIG, TURNER AND HOOCH, BACHELOR PARTY, etc…), gives his best and most understated comedic performance as the sauced up manager to the Rockford Peaches.  Spending the first half of the movie cussing his lot in life and drunk out of his mind, he eventually morphs into a true manager and protector of the girls he’s managing.  But its Hanks’ incredible comedic timing that sustains the transformation throughout, as well as gives us some of the greatest scenes from a sports movie.  Everything from teaching kids about STDs to politely insisting that  Evelyn learn to hit the cut off man is hilarious simply because Tom Hanks is the man.

Best Scene: “There’s no crying in baseball!”

9 - Jim - BLAZING SADDLES (1974)

For a film that set the record of one joke every minute, almost everyone involved in this picture has an iconic scene to their credit (‘The Sheriff’s !”; “Numthim, eh?!”; and of course the famous campfire scene), but the standout is Gene Wilder as Jim, the Waco Kid.  Perfectly complementing Cleavon Little’s Bart with understatement and aplomb, Wilder breezes through the film with that bemused look on his face, and ends up stealing the show right out from under everyone.  

Best Scene: Jim’s introduction in the jail.

8 - Dr. Rumack - AIRPLANE! (1980)

Everyday when the sun rises, the Wayans brothers turn towards Hollywood and give thanks for the invention of the Parody Film, and when they do, they thank Jim Abrams and the Zucker brothers for this leap of comedic genius.  And while its chocked full of famous performances (Barbara Billingsley as the Jive Lady!!) the one to beat is Leslie Neilsen as the unflappable Dr. Rumack.  In what could have been a one joke performance (“and don’t call me Shirley.”) Nielsen makes Rumack funnier and funnier by simply remaining calm and delivering almost every line in a perfect comedic deadpan.  

Best Scene: Sneaking into the cockpit during the landing for his famous line.

7 - Cousin Eddie - NATIONAL LAMPOON’S CHRISTMAS VACATION (1989)

After nearly stealing the first film away from Chevy Chase in only a few scenes, this is the film that made Randy Quaid’s Cousin Eddie infamous.  From the moment he shows up till the moment their all out on the lawn singing the National Anthem, Eddie’s a madcap of stupidity and surprising heart.  While he kidnaps Clark’s boss because he can’t get Clark anything else for Christmas and in a mad rage, Clark says that that’s the thing he wants most; he also challenges the validity of Clark telling the kids that the National Weather Service has spotted Santa on radar.  That’s Cousin Eddie, and we wouldn’t have him any other way.

Best Scene: Shopping with Clark before Christmas. 

6 - Tommy Callahan - TOMMY BOY (1995)

Taken from us way too early, as so many comedians seem to be, Chris Farley’s career defining turn as the lovable loser Tommy Callahan still rings as one of the funniest characters of all time.  Joined at the hip to David Spade while on SNL, Farley racked up hit character after hit character and was known for his jovial characters suddenly going nuts and expounding at full volume (“in a van DOWN BY THE RIVER!!!!”).  But when he made the jump to leading man in Tommy Boy, his biggest moments came when he used his boyish wonderment to provide earnest feelings.  Not to mention that Tommy is one of the most quotable SNL characters to ever make it to the big screen.

Best Scene: Tommy’s disaster filled brake scenario in the sales meeting.

5 - Kelly - THE GIRL NEXT DOOR (2004)

When it came out in 2004, The Girl Next Door was this little comedy that was actually one of those movies that’s sum was greater the its parts.  Sure it boasted mega-hottie Elisha Cuthbert as a porn star and a bitchin’ soundtrack, but it was buoyed further by a likable performance from new comer Emile Hirsch and an outrageously over the top turn from Chris Marquette as best buddy Eli.  

But it was Timothy Olyphant’s role as Kelly the porn pimp that gave blew everything out of the water for this one.  Prior to this film, Olyphant was best known for some minor roles in GONE IN SIXTY SECONDS and GO, but this is what vaulted him into the stratosphere as a true leading man.  Kelly’s role could have been a completely unfeeling jerk, and from the moment he steps on screen, you don’t know what to make of him.  But the beauty of Olyphant’s performance, whether friendly or diabolical, is that he does everything with complete confidence and doesn't waste a second thinking about how anyone will respond to him.  

Best Scene: Visiting a strip club with Matthew and Danielle.

4 - The Channel 4 News Team - ACHORMAN: THE LEGEND OF RON BURGUNDY (2004)

Easily the hardest to rank in my list, not only because out of everyone else these guys are hands down the most quotable members of the group, but also because I’m totally cheating by lumping in all four of them into one slot.  Nevertheless, the combination of Will Ferrell, Paul Rudd, Steve Carrell, and David Koechner as Ron Burgundy, Brian Fantana, Brick Tamland, amd Champ Kind will live in infamy as pure comedic gold.  Produced as a throwaway summer comedy, Anchorman became a generational sensation when it debuted in 2004, not only boosting the careers of every single person in it, but also creating a viable presence for these types of films at every major studio.

And at the helm of the mayhem was Adam McKay, Ferrell’s longtime buddy and writing partner, who rightfully became a sought after writer-director following the films success.  Introduced to us with a combination of voice over narration and fourth wall breaking direct talking to the camera, the Channel 4 News Team became an iconic comedy team, with everyone of them handily covering their area of the joke, these guys set a new bar in comedy.

Best Scene: The Street Fight Royal Rumble.

3 - Clark Griswold - NATIONAL LAMPOON’S VACATION (1983)

Creating an iconic character that will endure not only an entire career, but three separate sequels in two separate decades is no small feat, luckily Chase is no average actor.  Almost making the list twice as the equally enduring Fletch (although in the end, I decided that Fletch is more cooler than cool than hysterically funny), Chase has made a career out of creating incredibly over the top performances from mundane situations.  From his early days on SNL, to his current days on Community, Chase still has the market cornered on lovable loser striving to be the hero.

So it was that his performance as Clark Griswold, the hapless family man who allows his desire to give his family the ultimate summer vacation deteriorate into a kamikaze mission from hell, that puts Chase near the top of the list.  Every moment that he’s on screen, Chase infuses Clark with so much manic energy that he’s just as funny while naively asking for directions in a ghetto as when he’s flirting with Christie Brinkley using a urine drenched sandwich.  In the end, what makes Griswold so enduring is that he truly is doing everything he does all in the name of his family.

Best Scene: Clark finally losing it and taking the Wally World guard hostage.

2 - Miracle Max - THE PRINCESS BRIDE (1987)

Every once and a while a movie comes along and breaks away from conventional form only to become a generational icon.  For everyone from my generation, that film was the Princess Bride, because I honestly don’t think that I’ve ever met anyone my age who’s never seen it.  Plus, it has such an odd combination of action, comedy, and romance that makes it so unique.  Held together by an impeccable cast that includes everyone from Columbo to a professional wrestler, Rob Reiner created one of the most enduring family films of all time with this wonderful fairy tale.

However, no matter how good everyone else was in this film, and they were all at the top of their game, no one lays a finger on the incredible Billy Crystal and his wonderfully over the top performance as Miracle Max. He’s only on screen for less than ten minutes, but every moment counts because he’s so freaking funny (set note: not only did Reiner have to leave the set during filming because Crystal was too funny, Miracle Max was responsible for the film’s only injury as Mandy Patinkin broke a rib trying to prevent laughing on set).  Add in his pitch perfect report with Carol Kane as his wife, and Max stands at the top of the heap of iconic hysterical mythical witch doctors.

Best Scene: Examining Wesley (pretty much the only one he was in).

1 - Dr. Peter Venkman - GHOST BUSTERS (1984)

They say that necessity is the mother of invention, if so whatever necessitated Dan Aykroyd to write this gem of a movie deserves a long overdue thank you from millions of loyal fans.  Thought of during production as a bit of an underdog with way too difficult of a plot to attract audiences, Ghost Busters did not generate the highest of hopes during its production.  Those fears were soon put to bed, not only by the hype the fictional advertisement/teaser for the film created but also as it became a bona fide hit during the summer of 1984.  The strength of the piece was the camaraderie of the three leads and how easily you believed that these guys could get together and do these things.

But it was Bill Murray’s performance of Dr. Peter Venkman (“I have degrees in psychology and para-psychology.”) that became the one to beat for funniest role. Played with equal parts aplomb and wise-ass disinterest as only Murray can do, Venkman is compulsively watchable the minute he steps on screen. While Aykroyd’s earnest portrayal if Ray gave the film its heart and Harold Ramis’ deadpan turn as Egon gave the film its believability, Murray delivered knock-out one liners again and again as the film just kept coming at you.  To top it all off, Venkman’s absolute confidence that he is a lady’s man, all the while looking like Bill Murray in 1984.  

Best Scene: Negotiating in the Mayor’s office.

HONORABLE MENTIONS: (not ranked)

Coach - SAVING SILVERMAN (2001) played by R. Lee Emery

Kirk Lazarus - TROPIC THUNDER (2008) played by Robert Downey Jr.

Broken Lizard - BEERFEST (2006) played by Jay Chandrasekhar, Kevin Heffernan, Steve Lemme, Paul Soter, and Erik Stolhanske

Barf - SPACEBALLS (1987) played by John Candy

Melvin Udall - AS GOOD AS IT GETS (1997) played by Jack Nicholson

Det. Phoebe Ohara - KINDERGARTEN COP (1990) played by Pamela Reed

Lenny Haise - THAT THING YOU DO (1996) played by Steve Zahn

Neal Patrick Harris - HAROLD & KUMAR GO TO WHITE CASTLE (2004) played by Neil Patrick Harris

Corky St. Clair - WAITING FOR GUFFMAN (1996) played by Christopher Guest

Derek Zoolander - ZOOLANDER (2001) played by Ben Stiller

Celebrate Thanksgiving with Kyle's Top Ten Mystery Science Theater 3000 Episodes

It’s Thanksgiving again; one of my favorite times of the year. The weather has cooled down, football is in full swing, and we can all sit down as a family to stuff ourselves to a level of comedic absurdity. While this is all well and good, Thanksgiving has only ever meant one thing to me--Mystery Science Theater 3000. It was on that Turkey day every late November that my family would travel to my grandparents’, a magical place with riches unforetold at the Radford household, namely, cable.  While the family would crowd around the living room to eat, watch football, and enjoy each other’s company, a young Kyle would hunker down in the back room and watch every single minute of MST3K’s annual Turkey Day Marathon. It was the time every year where not only was my sense of humor being formed, but also validated. Do I enjoy the comedy I do because of MST3K or did that wonderful show speak to something already inside of me? I’d like to think it was a little of both, but I’m sure Joel, Mike, and the robots had a lot more influence than I’ll ever realize.

For the uninitiated, the show’s premise is a simple one (beautifully laid out in the opening credits song); a man is marooned in space on a ship, The Satellite of Love, and forced to watch terrible movies. To keep his sanity the man (Joel Hodgson in the early seasons and after he left the show, Mike Nelson) has built wise cracking robots that watch the movies with him and help make jokes at the screen. Episodes lasted a glorious two hours, with the movies being interrupted by periodic “host segments” where Mike/Joel and the bots would leave the theater to perform skits of varying success. 

This November marks the 25^th anniversary of Mystery Science Theater 3000 and to commemorate this the show’s creator, Joel Hodgson, will be hosting a six episode Turkey Day marathon online at MST2KTurkeyDay.com. This should go without saying, but I’ll be glued to my iPad under the dinner table this year, and I would encourage everyone else to check it out as well. For those of you who missed the nineties completely, this would be a great opportunity to ignore your family and discover this national treasure of a show. If you like what you see, Netflix has a small selection of episodes streaming and fans of the show (MSTies) have uploaded tons of full episodes on YouTube.

It’s in that spirit that I thought I’d share my favorite 10 MST3K episodes. These movies represent some of the funniest out there, most of which highlight what I think are the great final few years.

10. Pod People, 1983

ET, eat your heart out.

Official Description:   A young boy discovers a lovable alien creature in the woods, but the alien's mother is on the prowl. 

Watch the full movie here.

9. This Island Earth, 1955 (MST3K: The Movie)

Don't stare at his forehead. Don't stare at his forehead.

Official Description: Two mortals trapped in outer space... challenging the unearthly furies of an outlaw planet gone mad!

This one is streaming on Netflix, and you can find it in pieces on YouTube here. 

8. Soultaker, 1990

Don't adjust your sets, kids, that's Martin Sheen's brother, Joe Esteves.

Official Description: Four teenagers are killed in a car accident. Two of the teenagers refuse to go with "The Grim Reaper" and a race between life and death ensues!

Watch the full movie here. 

7. The Phantom Planet, 1961

Still looks better than the prequels.

Official Description: After an invisible asteroid draws an astronaut and his ship to its surface, he is miniaturized by the phantom planet's exotic atmosphere.  

Watch the full movie here. 

6. Merlin’s Shop of Mystical Wonders, 1996

Not pictured: Ernest Borgnine who also stars in this "movie".

Official Description: Two creepy "horror" films joined together by Merlin's Shop which is, in turn, introduced by a Grandpa telling the story.

Watch the full movie here.

5. Manos: The Hands of Fate, 1966

Not a snuff film. I promise.

Official Description:  A family gets lost on the road and stumbles upon a hidden, underground, devil-worshiping cult led by the fearsome Master and his servant Torgo.

Truly one of the worst movies every made...I'd work my way up to watching Manos.

Watch the full movie here.

4. Werewolf, 1995

Yes, that's a werewolf driving a car.

Official Description: Unscrupulous archaeologists try to take advantage of an outbreak of lycanthropy prompted by the discovery of a werewolf skeleton in the Arizona desert.

Watch the full movie here.

3. The Final Sacrifice, 1990

That's our hero, folks. Canadian badass Zap Rowsdower.

Official Description: Fleeing from the cult that murdered his father, a teen is aided in his quest to find the lost city of the fabled Ziox by a secretive drifter.

Watch the full movie here.

2. The Pumaman, 1980

The superhero is able to fly...like a real puma.

Official Description: Professor Tony Farms discovers that he is really Puma Man, a superhero who is descended from the gods. Together with an Aztec priest, they try to thwart the plans of Kobras, who is in possession of the sacred puma mask, and plans to hypnotize government leaders with it and take over the world.

Watch the full movie here.

1. Space Mutiny, 1988

I could post a thousand pictures from this movie. Please watch it.

Official Description: A pilot is the only hope to stop the mutiny of a spacecraft by its security crew, who plot to sell the crew of the ship into slavery.

Watch the full movie here.

Kyle's Top Ten Movies to Enjoy for Halloween

It was a dark and stormy night over six years ago in a magical land called Myspace where a wide-eyed dreamer named Kyle took to his keyboard and compiled a list of movies he thought everyone should watch around Halloween. Today, in a move having nothing to do with how lazy we are over here at Spoiler Alert Podcast, we’ve dusted the list off and present it for your enjoyment. If you think Kyle’s an idiot, remember, it was a simpler time.

10. A Nightmare on Elm Street (1984)

Sometimes I get lost in the mountains of sequels this movie spawned and forget that back in 1984 Wes Craven actually made a fun, original horror movie. The premise was so terrifying (a maniac who attacks you in your dreams) that  all my older cousins had to do was recount the plot to me and I couldn’t sleep for weeks. The main reason this is such a classic entry in the horror genre--Freddy Kruger. Something about that character has always appealed to me; maybe it was because he had a sense of humor to him. Sure he was senselessly murdering all of the teenagers in town, but at least he was having a good time doing it. Does Jason ever crack jokes? Don’t think so. Did Michael Meyers once look at the camera and laugh? Nope. Anyone can lumber around, chasing sexy teens in sequel after sequel, but only Freddy did it with style. Not to mention that he lives in your dreams and there’s really no way you can get rid of him. Almost makes you want a sequel.

If you liked A Nightmare on Elm Street, try Halloween:

I’m not a huge Halloween fan, but it did pave the way for slasher films like Nightmare. Besides, you can’t have a Halloween movie list without mentioning it somewhere.

9. Sleepy Hollow (1999)

At the risk of making this list a little heavy on Johnny Depp movies, I have to include Sleepy Hollow. I know, I know, he was in 21 Jump Street and the never-ending Pirates of the Caribbean factory is almost unforgivable, but Depp hit the right note as the quirky Ichabod Crane. Not to mention the Oscar winning art direction, which strikes the perfect tone for a period horror film with its foggy New England settings and pale, sunken-eyed New Englanders. This is how I now assume our friends to the north east spend their Octobers. The odd Burton tone helps keep this movie light as character after character’s head is gleefully removed from its neck. I was impressed with the fleshed out story they built around such a simple legend. This movie could have been very one note, but the rich characters and atmosphere kept this from being just beheading after beheading. And boy, are there beheadings! The fair amount of gore a necessity for any respectable horror movie, plus, Sleepy Hollow gets extra points for casting Christopher Walken as the headless horseman.

If you liked Sleepy Hollow, try Edward Scissorhands:

This movie is oozing with with Burton and Depp. If you don’t like either one of them, stay miles and miles away from Edward Scissorhands. Probably best not to even think about it.

8. Shaun of the Dead (2004)

Flat out hilarious. That’s really all that needs to be said for this one, but I’ll go on a little more. Next to curling up in a little ball and wetting ourselves, I’m pretty sure this is how my friends and I would handle a zombie attack--grab a baseball bat and head for the nearest bar. It may not be the noblest way to handle the situation, but it does seem to be the most practical. All of the humor aside though, the thing that struck me most about Shaun of the Dead was the poignancy of the last half hour. You don’t realize as you’re laughing with these characters throughout the movie how much they are growing on you and how much you will feel for them when they, inevitably, become zombie fodder. There’s some genuine heart in this one, which puts it head and shoulders about the pack and one of the reasons this movie makes most people’s list.

If you liked Shaun of the Dead, try Dawn of the Dead:

I know that George Romero’s Dawn of the Dead is a classic, but I enjoyed the Zack Snyder’s update. If you’re looking for less comedy, see what it’s like to be trapped in a mall with zombies and Ving Rhames. (I love any movie that has zombies running at you instead of just milling around.)

7. Dead Alive/Braindead (1992)

This is often heralded as the goriest movie ever made, and brother, I can see why. Before Peter Jackson was wondering around New Zealand with Elijah Wood, he was chopping up locals with a lawn mower. This simple “boy takes care of zombie mother” story is pushed to extreme limits when the zombies begin mating, and all hell breaks loose. I honestly can’t even this about this movie when I’m eating, it’s that disgusting. Added bonus, there’s a priest that uses his karate skills to fight the undead. I don’t know how someone passes up the chance to see that on screen. Also makes me wonder why the academy waited so long to give Jackson that best director Oscar.

If you liked Dead Alive, try Slither:

This movie zoomed in and out of theaters a few years ago, but I thought it was a little underappreciated. The idea is simple, take your classic 50’s B-movie, throw in a lot of gore and cast Nathan Fillion as the lead. Instant Kyle movie.

6. The Nightmare Before Christmas (1993)

When I was 9 my Dad described this movie as mind-warping crap, and nothing could have made me want to see it more. It turned out upon viewing that it wasn’t exactly the foray into evil that my father had predicted, but rather a delightful little musical about a man looking for happiness in his life. I love everything about this movie, the music, the design, the character…I could go on, and I know, Tim Burton’s a weirdo, but every now and then he gets it right. As an added bonus, this movie isn’t exactly a bad view at Christmas time either, and thanks to the recent re-release in 3D we get an all new way to experience the folks of Halloween Town. Stop motion animation has always intrigued me with the hours and hours of work for such a small result being something I could never commit too. I think that adds a little something extra to the joy I get from this movie.

If you liked The Nightmare Before Christmas, try The Corpse Bride:

I’m a little hesitant to put this movie on my list, because I don’t like it that much, but the stop motion Halloween animation category is a little light. Maybe you should just rent a Garfield’s Halloween Adventure instead.

5. An American Werewolf in London (1981)

With so many bad werewolf movies out there, it’s a rare thing to find one as intelligent and entertaining as this. Of course, the movie studio was able to negate some of the street cred for this flick by making a sequel so God-awful it’ll make your eyes bleed. I guess the sequel wasn’t made by the same filmmaker though, so I can let that slide. This 80’s horror film follows two American students backpacking through the Highlands of Scotland. To be honest, it doesn’t really follow them both for very long…let’s just say there’s an “animal attack” very close to the beginning; I think you know where it goes from there. Anyone who mentions An American Werewolf in London is bound by law to point out how amazing Rick Baker’s creature effects are, and man, amazing is the right word. So good, in fact, that the Best Makeup Oscar was created because of this movie. The transformation sequence halfway through reminds us why sometimes CGI isn’t the way to go if you want something to look real. I’m looking at you George Lucas.

It’s also pretty damn funny.

If you liked An American Werewolf in London, try Dog Soldiers:

This little known British film is low on production budget, but high on script and body count. Another great non-CGI werewolf entry that will keep you uneasily chuckling as you reach for the silver bullets.

4. Poltergeist (1982)

Two things scare the crap out of me, clowns and tow-headed children (sorry Kev). Co-writer and producer Steven Speilberg seemed to find out about this somehow and inject them both in the creepiest PG movie I’ve ever seen. Anyone who can sit through two hours of Zelda Rubinstein (that weird old lady) talking about the undead and not get the willies is a stronger man than I. I wonder if I hate clowns (especially in doll form) because of this movie or if the terror was already there.

If you liked Poltergeist, try The Sixth Sense:

I don’t want to spoil the ending for anyone, but (spoiler alert) Bruce Willis is a ghost. This is another great movie about creepy kids communicating with the dead. At least they left out the demonic clown doll this time.

3. Scream (1996)

The first time I watched Scream was at a birthday party when I was 15, and it’s been one of my favorite movies ever since. I’d have to check, but I think we watched it 5 or 6 times in a row that night, so yeah, I was a bit of a fan. The perfect blend of humor and scares helped introduce me to the slasher genre, as I wasn’t a big fan before, and I know it did the same for many fans. It was nice to see a movie where the characters were movie fans themselves and well aware of the clichés found in the genre.  Plus, the movie in-jokes were a trivia snob’s dream and kept Scream fresh for many repeat viewings. I don’t think I’ll ever get sick of watching this movie; it’s easily the best of the series.

If you liked Scream, try the rest of the Trilogy:

Admittedly, the other two Screams aren’t as good as the first, but they’re still entertaining movies. I prefer the third over the second, but I think I’m alone in category. Editor’s note: This was written before the wet fart of a movie that was Scream 4. Ah, happy days…

2. Evil Dead II (1987)

Bruce Campbell is a complete badass, as anyone who has ever seen one of his movies can attest too, and Evil Dead II is no exception. It’s basically a rehash of the first Evil Dead with a bigger budget and more emphasis on humor, which I think was a wonderful idea. You know, Spider-Man 3 was a steaming turd of a movie, but it’s hard to hate the man that gave us this classic horror flick. Once again our hero Ash finds himself trapped in the woods fighting everything from the corpse of his girlfriend to his own possessed hand. To say hilarity ensues is an understatement. Any movie that has someone lop off their own hand and replace it with a chainsaw has to be aces. There’s nothing I don’t love about this movie. Evil Dead II’s quotes are instant classics, and the violence is so over the top that you can’t help but smile. They even produced a short-lived musical based on it. I would have paid good money to see that.

If you liked Evil Dead II, try The Army of Darkness:

Evil Dead II’s follow up picks up right where it left off and follows Ash to medieval England (it’s that kind of movie) as he confronts a whole new wave of undead monsters. Not as good, in my opinion, but still better than most of the crap they’re throwing at us these days.

1. The Exorcist (1973)

You can’t have a scary movie list without The Exorcist. For me, it’s the natural choice for the number one spot, offering genuine scares that will stay with you for days. This movie is psychologically terrifying, and probably affected me more than any other horror movie I’ve ever seen. I feel like referring to The Exorcist as a horror movie cheapens it in some way, putting it in the same category at Halloween and Texas Chainsaw Massacre. This movie is so much more than cheap thrills and gratuitous violence. It gets in your head and stays there. Every character is brought to life with a degree of relatability that allows us to see ourselves in them and become more active participants in the story. You don’t just watch The Exorcist, you experience it, and no Halloween is complete without a viewing.

If you like The Exorcist, try The Shining:

I’m not a huge fan of The Shining (I feel like the ending is a bit of a cop out) but it still regarded as a classic. I can see where fans are coming from, so if you’re looking for a thriller that’s heavy on atmosphere, check it out.

Here are some movies I’ve enjoyed since this list was written that you might like:

Cabin in the Woods

Paranormal Activity (1-3; 4 only if you’re a completest)

Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street

Let the Right One In

Troll Hunter

The Innkeepers

Birdemic: Shock and Terror

Tucker and Dale vs. Evil

Drag Me to Hell

Zombieland

Monsters

Let me know if I missed any in the comments section below!

Brando’s Top Ten Villains on Film

All actors know that even though they become franchise players through playing the good guys, it’s always more fun to play the bad boy.  When playing a proper villain, most actors are able to push the boundaries of their craft in ways no good guy role would ever let them attempt; often times showcasing a level of talent that most didn’t know they possessed.  However, the flip side to that assessment is that even though playing the bad guy lets an actor throw caution to the wind and really go all out with a role, many times the roles themselves are simply not complex enough to stand the test of time. 

 Yeah, Gabriel Byrne did it better.  In a Schwarzenegger flick.

However, once in a great while, an actor jumps into a role and blows away all expectations of the character and creates an iconic performance that stands the test of time and cements them in the public’s consciousness so deeply that they are remembered forever. And of those top caliber performances, only a select ten earn the right to go on Brando’s list of top ten villains on film. 

The editors of SpoilerAlert Podcast would like to mention that Brando is going to be listing what he considers are the best villains of all time, not necessarily the scariest.  Also, as in other articles, Brando is woefully incapable of discussing these films without giving away the plot and revealing tons of spoilers, so now you have been warned and you cannot be pissed at us if the ending gets ruined by this article. 

I mean, you could.  But isn’t this really all your fault?

Yeah, thought so.

10.  Freddy Krueger – Nightmare on Elm Street – 1984

Played by Robert Englund

Talk about longevity, this guy has shown up in eight separate films not to mention staring in his own television show (Freddy’s Nightmares, 1988-1990), which is one of his detriments.  Overexposure on an epic level caused this guy to be reproduced into almost satirical levels, and people tend to forget that at one time this guy was one of the baddest baddies out there.  What’s more is that he knew exactly how freaking awesome that he was.  Crude, utterly perverted, and probably the only “victim” in cinema history that deserves exactly what he got, Englund’s monster became one of the most iconic horror images of all time.  The scariest aspect of his power is that he can attack you in the real world as well as the dream world, and once he shows up there is absolutely nothing that can be done to deter him from coming back again and again.  Everyone remembers Nancy (Heather Langerkamp) desperately attempting not to fall asleep because she knows how much more vulnerable she will be in the dream world, much to Krueger’s delight. One of the most terrifying villains of all time, not to mention becoming an image synonymous world wide with horror, Freddy earns his presence on this list.

Villainous Moment: Invisibly killing Tina in the real world while she sleeps after her first nightmare.

9.  T-1000 – Terminator 2: Judgment Day – 1991

Played by Robert Patrick

Known more for the amazing technical advancements that were necessary to bring the character to life on film, Patrick’s best work will live in infamy for his terrifying persona.  By definition, all Terminators are simply well disguised machines bent on destruction, but this time around the bad guy was so threatening that by the time he and Arnold throw down, it is completely believable that the smaller actor could toss the former Mr. Universe around like a rag doll.  From the moment we’re shown the unbelievable liquid metal shifting of his arm into a giant blade, or his osmosis through prison bars, the T-1000 becomes the most terrifying Terminator of all time, complete with their trademarked relentless nature and complete apathy for everything except for their mission.  Patrick’s performance is especially noteworthy for his complete lack of expression throughout the entire film; even during shootouts or jumping onto a helicopter while it is in the air from a motorcycle, his calm and robotic demeanor never waivers for a moment (at least until his final shot).

Villainous Moment: Acknowledging the pain he is causing Sarah Conner (Linda Hamilton) by stabbing her when she refuses to call to her son, “I know this hurts…”  Freaky.

8.  Darth Vader – The Empire Strikes Back – 1980

Played by David Prowse, Voiced by James Earl Jones

The most visually iconic of villains in cinema history (not to mention the guy with the coolest respirator on any planet), Darth Vader, was the undisputable scourge of the Star Wars universe.  Played onscreen by 6’6’’ Prowse, and outfitted with a completely original helmet for Jones’ iconic voice to forever be linked to (an editing move that Prowse was never informed would occur, and a source of tension for the actor for years after the first film came out), Vader was the first villain that many of my generation ever encountered.  In the first film he was a bit of a lackey (who orders Vader to release ANYBODY?) and in the third he had to deal with family issues (the other three “films” recalling his back story are not recognized by this author, especially Vader’s only on-screen appearance, “Nooooooo!”), but it was in this film that he hit his stride as a premiere bad guy.  He’s cruel, intelligent, powerful, and an absolute master of the force. 

Villainous Moment: Casually sentencing Han Solo to possible death in carbonite freezing with less emotion than most people would give their choice of lunch. 

7.  Anton Chigar – No Country for Old Men – 2007

Played by Javier Bardem

This is what happens when the strong, silent type loses their marbles, and becomes an unstoppable killing machine.  Taunting, relentless, and infuriating polite, Bardem’s portrayal of Cormac McCarthy’s embodiment of evil was Oscar-deserving in every way, and it set the bar for villains for years to come (more on that later).  Chigar’s best feature is that no matter what he is doing, from incredible and violent actions like detonating a clunker with cotton balls to performing ad hoc surgery on himself in a motel room, his calm and disarming demeanor is constantly flipping back and forth from detached to lethal in the blink of an eye.  From the moment that he shows up on film, you know that no matter how much you want the good guy to win, it’s just not going to happen.

Villainous Moment: Never before has simple gas station small talk been as terrifying as when Chigar flips the coin for the attendant’s life.

6.  Bill the Butcher – Gangs of New York – 2002

Played By Daniel Day-Lewis

I wasn’t a fan of the film myself (in all honesty, it gave a LOT of ammo to critics that say that Scorsese uses gratuitous violence for its own sake), but there’s no denying that Bill was absolutely terrifying in every way.  Its just an accepted truth that if Daniel Day-Lewis takes a role, its going to be amazing, but this was the first time we’d ever seen him turn that intensity into a true bad guy (albeit, one who thought he was doing the best thing based upon his perspective).  And the result is Bill, the murderous political heavy who’s iron clad control over the respective Five Points of mid 1800’s New York (and his intensely violent means of enforcing that control) is indisputable; while his lamenting that Liam Neeson’s Priest Vallon was the last good man he ever fought gives Bill excellent complexity as well.  Add in the world’s creepiest glass eye (and him tapping it with his blade!) and you’ve got a master villain.

Villainous Moment: Taunting and then brutally murdering Brendan Gleeson’s Walter ‘Monk’ McGinn after Monk becomes the first Irishman to win elected office against Bill’s wishes.

5.  The Joker – The Dark Knight – 2008

Played by Heath Ledger

Remember when I said that Javier Bardem’s Anton Chigar set the bar for villains for years to come? Yeah, it actually only took a year for this masterpiece to come out and for Ledger to completely leave Chigar in the dust with one of the most unbelievable and likeable performances in years.  Even though Ledger’s unfortunate accidental death generated all of the film’s pre-release buzz; once the world saw his Oscar worthy portrayal of the iconic character, it was so unexpected that it made us all forget about Jack Nicholson (who we all still love).  So good was Ledger in this role that when the sequel came out four years later, there were no misguided attempts to re-cast the role in order to give Batman another round with his greatest nemesis (in fact, out of respect to Ledger’s legacy, the Joker is never mentioned in the final film).  He’s funny without making jokes, klutzy while being deadly accurate, lethally powerful while sporting the physique of a lanky teenager; he’s a comic book character come to life in every sense of the word.

Villianous Moment: He actually makes you see his side of the argument while being interrogated by Batman.

4.  The Shark – Jaws – 1975

Played by Bruce, the animatronic shark

Probably responsible for more people being afraid of the ocean than any other film in the history of cinema, Steven Spielberg’s masterpiece still stands the test of time when it comes to nail biting thrillers.  Surrounded by great performances by some of film’s most likeable stars (Dreyfuss is hilarious in this film), the core of this story is the huge man-eater that shows up and terrorizes a small New England town from the depths below.  Created entirely out stock footage and animatronics, “Jaws” (although the shark is never referred to by that name in any of the films) became one of the most visually arresting of all villains; namely because even though he was the bad guy, he wasn’t really evil.  He’s just a shark that has found an excellent food source and isn’t leaving anytime soon. Critics praised Spielberg’s Hitchcockian choice to keep the shark off camera until the final act, but behind the scenes stories tell us now that this decision had a lot more to do with the fake shark’s unreliability and constant tendency to break down than any conscious decision to present the villain this way.  Whatever it was though, it was awesome; and we all still love this film.

Villainous Moment: Slowly eating Quint while he screams like a banshee the entire time.

3.  Magua – The Last of the Mohicans – 1992

Played by Wes Studi

           

Anyone familiar with SpoilerAlert Podcast knows how I feel about The Last of the Mohicans, and one of the reasons this film is so good is its villain, Magua, the vengeful leader of the Huron battle party.  After having his family killed by the commander of the British forces, Magua sets his sights on vengeance and never waivers for a moment.  Perfectly embodying the brutal methods of Native American warriors of the time, he betrays people, ambushes them, scalps them, and even hacks them to pieces and he does it all with that incredibly unexpressive look on his face.  In fact, his one expressive moment comes when the sachem chief denies Magua’s request to kill both of Munroe’s daughters in order to eradicate Munroe’s bloodline from the earth, the way he promised he would. His motivation is iron clad and he cares nothing for any aspect that would stand in his way.  Most villains feel justified in their actions; Magua feels righteous with every step he takes.

Villainous Moment: Gesturing to Alice Munroe to step back off the ledge with his hand coated in the blood of her friend Uncas that he just killed.

2.  Amon Goeth – Schindler’s List – 1993

Played by Ralph Fiennes

The only one on this list that was an actual person (fake sharks portraying gigantic real sharks don’t count as based on real people), Fiennes’ best work as a psychotic Nazi death camp leader is still a lesson in one of the darkest periods in the history of the world.  So tuned into this character was Fiennes that an on-set story of the film is that while he was in Nazi uniform, he met with a few Holocaust survivors that were on set during filming that day, and his mannerisms and costume were so like Goeth’s that one of the survivors began visibly shaking in his presence.  Incredibly, the most surprising aspect of Goeth’s evil lies in his likeability.  He’s buddies with and even assists the hero of the film at certain times, but even while acquiescing to Schindler’s wishes Goeth is constantly protecting his own selfish desires and murderous tendencies.  His tyranny goes even further than his position requires, and his love of what he does is contrasted only by his confusion over the random twinge of guilt he feels every once in a while.

Villainous Moment: Deciding to kill the boy who cleaned his bathtub right after he pardoned him for not being able to clean away a stain.

1.  Dr. Hannibal Lecter – The Silence of the Lambs – 1991

Played by Anthony Hopkins

He was only on screen for eighteen minutes, and for most of the time he politely instructed Starling into developing the mindset she needed to track down Buffalo Bill. Lecter and Starling’s conversation about her childhood just before he escapes is still one of the best on screen exchanges between two leads in the history of film (the production was actually scheduled to go to Montana and film sections of Clarice’s childhood story, but after seeing Hopkins and Foster’s performances in the dailies, the director immediately scrapped those plans knowing that their acting was perfect).  Hopkins’ iconic turn as the psychotic cannibal remains the most complete villain ever.  His small size and disarming breeding betrays his advantage over anyone in his path; that you simply NEVER know what he’s going to do next.  Brilliant, patient, ruthless, and hungry; Dr. Hannibal Lecter is still the one to beat for greatest of all time.

Villainous Moment: Taking a moment to enjoy the music after slaughtering two prison guards in order to escape.  The bar was set with this one.

Honorable Mention

The G’Mork – The NeverEnding Story – 1984

This author’s personal white whale, and while on the surface this guy might not be the scariest thing out there; but as the most fantastical assassin in the history of film, the G’Mork’s scariest attribute is its complete apathy about its victims.  With its only motivation being accumulating more and more power, combined with its willingness to go to any means to achieve this goal, this villain is simply too much for one boy to face all by himself (which is its biggest drawback, one lunge and Atreyu dispatches it?) The fact is that anything with glowing yellow eyes cannot be trusted, and talking wolves are just plain scary.

Villainous Moment: While lecturing Atreyu on the laws of Fantasia, he reveals that he knows more about the situation than anyone else, and he’s reveling in it.

Happy Halloween from SpoilerAlert Podcast!!

-Brando