Chick Flick Anatomy 101

If everyone will please take their seats, I am ready to begin the lecture.  This is Chick Flick Anatomy 101, my name is Professor Brando, and I’m here to give you a functional understanding of the inner workings of the genre of film simply dubbed as the ‘Chick Flick.’ We’ll delve into the different aspects of these films in just a moment, but before we do I’d like to give you a few signposts to be aware of when attempting to classify a Chick Flick.  Not all of these are always present for every movie, as all genres have exceptions to their own rules, but here are a few quick indicators that a movie is a Chick Flick: the movie’s run time will not exceed ninety minutes (although this is one trait that seems to be shifting), the female lead actress will have industry clout equal too or greater than her male costar, the movie’s soundtrack will skew heavily to light-hearted pop music often times with one or more prominent female musicians contributing songs to be noticeably marketed during the promotional phase of the movie’s release, and most times the title of the movie will be a popular phrase, saying, or song title.

These are just a few quick indicators that can give you a brief glimpse into whether or not the movie in question is in fact a Chick Flick (Men, memorize this list as it is invaluable when you and your special lady-friend are scrolling through Netflix to find something to watch. Learn how to avoid these indicators and you won’t be stuck sitting through movies like “Bachelorette”).

I suppose this is as good of time as any to ruminate on the idea that while there can be an infinite amount of speculation and/or conjecture about a certain genre of film being better or worse than another, it’s important to remember that film appreciation is a matter of taste and frankly it is entirely too subjective to be empirically categorized in such a way (also, that last sentence was complete crap, and anyone who truly appreciates the medium of film for all it can and cannot be recognizes that these movies are pure popcorn fluff that give almost nothing of substance back to the world.  While the good Professor is going to attempt to feign an academic detachment from this article’s subject matter, I’ll be here in between the parentheses to tell the truth.)

FADE IN:

            Since the key demographic that embraces these movies is women, or to be more specific younger women, that is who these films tend to be about (and before the comments section explodes with talk about “Steel Magnolias” and “Terms of Endearment” let me just say that I am aware that greatness can sometimes rise up from the most unexpected of places, but by and large broad sweeping generalizations are a lot more fun to talk about, so back off, ‘kay?).  We meet our protagonist, a lovely blonde or redhead (unless she’s Hispanic, in which case she will be Jennifer Lopez).

She’s in a lot of these flicks.

For purposes of the movie, this woman will be non-threateningly hot, mildly and endearingly quirky, usually successful, and for reasons known but to God and the screenwriters, single. In all honesty, she will also tend to be rather bland, as the studio needs every girl watching at home to identify immediately with this character and therefore can’t risk the mere possibility that they could alienate potential viewers by giving this woman specific moral opinions or stances to take.  Think of her as the bland mortar that has to hold the entire film together, and even though the story is about her, she’s just along for the ride like the rest of us.

Quickly thereafter, we’ll be introduced to her friends, of whom there are a few stock choices. First off will be her best friend, who will be a lot like her, only either in a healthy working relationship or married to a loving husband with one or two beautiful toddlers at home (and she will usually be played by a lesser known actress with similar features; a diet leading lady, if you will).  This woman will be a source of wisdom and calm to our heroine and often times a plot device will be her having to leave the protagonist for the second act (think work trip or maternal duties) only to come back and help resolve whatever problems have piled up without her. Next up we have her Hip Earthy Friend who will either work in the environmental field or a coffee shop/organic food eatery; she could either have a bit of a naughty streak to her or she could pass as a man-hater if she had to, but more than anything, she is incredibly brunette. 

If she’s not available, they usually get Selma Blair.

This woman will give nothing but bad advice to our heroine (usually when the best friend isn’t available) but it will all be done with the best of intentions because she really does care about her friend.  Somewhere in the third reel, this character will be required to perform some sort of act of contrition/proactive manifestation of friendship in order to help the protagonist out (something that’s within the bounds of her character’s behavior, like seducing a security guard or jumping in front of traffic to help the protagonist get to the airport on time).  In full disclosure, this character is sometimes re-cast as a gay man, and if so he will be incredibly flirtatious, but actually very discriminate when it comes to who he does and does not hook up with.  (Also, if they go with the gay best friend, he’ll use more clichés than any ten sitcom characters, because someone once told them that America is totally comfortable with homosexuality as long as it comes conveniently packaged in an over-the-top flamboyant housing that barely exists in the real world) Male or female though, this character is going to get most of the good one liners and will usually be the film’s primary source of comic relief. If our protagonist has room in her entourage for one more lucky lady, she will be an incredibly ditzy blonde who will be unbelievably promiscuous despite having a heart of gold (she will also have an amazing body, which will feature prominently in the movie’s advertising, specifically the poster). Her main function will be to periodically show up and remind the protagonist to let her hair down and have fun from time to time (specifically if our heroine is a driven, career focused ice queen).

INT – COMPLETELY NON-THREATENING ENVIRONMENT – DAY

            Having established our leading lady and her supporting characters, the film will introduce the guy, and 99% of the time we will meet him when she does (because he doesn’t exist outside of the way in which he affects her life). 

 … Um, we’re not really sure what movie this guy was in…

This dashing gentleman will either be a successful serial bachelor who is completely unaffected by his apparent wealth and success, and who is often lugging around his own supporting cast of similar stereotypical friends (which will participate in some sort of hobby that necessitates them taking off their shirts in order to give the gals in the audience some eye candy) or he will be involved in a bad relationship with a rather bland woman that his parents want to see him end up with.  The woman in question will be hot and appear to be a nice person but ultimately have some sort of character flaw that shows their relationship won’t work in the long run (this flaw won’t be  too awful, because we would hate him if he was dating a racist or something, but it will be bad enough so that we don’t have to feel sorry for her when the heroine inevitably swoops in and steals the guy from her; even though he will ultimately decide to leave the harpy on his own because our leading lady simply can’t be a home-wrecker).

Their initial encounter will either be a put upon situation (mutual friend’s party, work related meeting, old college friend’s wedding, etc) where they have a genuine connection with one another, or they will hate each other at first sight despite having an immediate rapport (to further facilitate this, they may also be business rivals).

Example of the ‘business rivals’ gambit. And a complete lack of chemistry.

Regardless of whichever way this introduction plays out, what will be established is that he is a good match to her intelligence, wit, and personality and that they look good on camera standing next to one another (and if you think studios don’t screen test the hell out of the couples they slap together on screen, you are pants-crapping insane).

EXT – MORE INTIMATE SETTING – NIGHT

            They will have to see each other again for some benign reason and at this second meeting is where the attraction will take hold of them, and by the end of this second meeting they will progress to the point of figuring out which base homeboy is getting to that night. Check the rating if you want to know going in, because if the film is rated R, they will hook up with possible nudity being thrown in the mix; PG-13 they’ll passionately kiss and imply the making of the sexy time; and if its PG (seriously, what the hell are you doing watching a PG Chick Flick?) they’ll want to kiss but something will stop them from doing so (at least until the final reel).

Hot PG-13 Action!

After this milestone, they will quickly become an established couple and they will truly be happy for a bit.  It’s during this phase that we learn that whatever was keeping them single before they met is now a benefit within this new relationship.  Also during this period a sub-plot involving the supporting cast will begin to take shape, usually in the guise of one of their friends having some sort of wacky relationship issues (often because one of his boys hooked up with a member of her Ya-Ya Sisterhood and, spoiler alert: it didn’t go well).  Luckily for us, this subplot will simply be a mirror with which our lead couple can reflect on their happiness, and they will be immune from this situation affecting them in any significant way.

EXT – HAPPY RELATIONSHIP LAND - DAY

            However, it is while luxuriating in this time, that something completely out of either of their control will enter the picture and catapult them to a crossroads that they neither want nor know how to handle (nine times out of ten, it will be a lucrative out of town job offer, but every once in a while it will be something that affects them negatively, like a sick relative or other familial crisis).  It won’t be the initial situation that breaks them up, but rather the way that one of them (the guy) handles the situation that leads to them to break up. 

Whatever you do, don’t say what you’re thinking about saying, dude!

This is the scene in which Chick Flicks really pigeonhole themselves, because as you’re watching the situation unfold, you the viewer can see that if they were to stop overreacting to whatever is happening to them and rather sit down and talk it out like adults, they could most likely find a solution together.  But instead, you’ll have the guy (who has by this point in the film established a flair for charming flirtation and nimble word play) suddenly become a Neanderthal who will beat his chest and sacrifice a caring relationship simply for the sake of his stubborn pride; and the woman (who by this point in the film has begun to show the positive, softening effects of the relationship such as sporting much less severe hairstyles and probably having spent at least one scene being vulnerable in her comfortable but not sexy pajamas) will retreat into her shell of cold detachment, essentially shutting down before she can be hurt by him.

Yes, it is true that there are instances in some real relationships when these types of defense mechanisms can rear their ugly heads, but they don’t last forever and they certainly aren’t a reason to throw in the towel and end a good relationship (if it’s a crappy relationship, anything is a good enough reason to end it).

INT – PLOT POINT ESTATES - DAY

            They will both be incredibly brave during this time of pain (one of them might take up with someone new, however that character will turn out to be a flake if it’s a new guy or a hot mess if it’s a new gal, and there will be almost no emotional connection), right up until the moment that one of them cannot take it anymore and suffers a breakdown at the worst possible moment for their character (the smart money is on this breakdown taking place right during the middle of class, a big meeting for work, or a peripheral friend’s wedding reception). Said breakdown will result in the realization that they need each other and come hell or high water, they must get back together.

She’s reading her scale wage contract for appearing in three Bourne films.

Once this realization is given voice, they will feel compelled to immediately act thereby ensuring that one of two things will happen: if it’s the woman who has this realization, she will be immediately placed at the mercy of a quirky cab driver/neighbor/friend to get her to wherever the man is (remember Hip Earthy Girl’s proactive act of friendship?) and said helper will be always hilariously inept at the assistance that they are attempting to provide. If it is the man who suddenly figures out their predicament, he will now be required to perform some sort of physically stressful or mildly dangerous act in order to get to her (jump over a car or banister, ride a horse or motorcycle the wrong way down a busy street, sprint though a crowded parade, etc…). 

“And I would do anything for love…”

The important factor to remember is that time will be of the essence and if they cannot get to together at that moment, within a certain amount of time the relationship will be all but unsalvageable.

EXT – RESOLUTION ROAD - DAY

            After an initial red herring of having just missed their paramour and thus being condemned to the land of the eternally single, said object of affection will suddenly show up, having been delayed from leaving for some reason or having forgotten something necessary to them (often times this forgotten item was given to them by the other party).  What follows is the most Chick Flick of all Chick Flick moments: the contrived speech (usually in front of a crowd or audience) that uses cliché and circular logic and solves a total of none of their actual problems. 

Yeah, he’s in a lot of these flicks too.

These speeches are catchy upon first glance but then you realize that absolutely nothing was resolved by them and their signature line completely misses even remotely addressing their core problem:

            Fear of Commitment:

                        “If you love me enough to sell your tickets, I love you enough not to let you.”

                        “You’re more of a husband to me than my sisters’ are to them.”

            Chronic Debilitating Illness:

                        “I want us. You. This.”

                        “You’re the girl of my dreams, and it appears that I’m the man of yours.”

            Infidelity:

                        “I’ll never get spooked again.”

            Socio/Economic Pressure:

                        “I made that bet before I knew you. I made that bet before I knew myself.”

                        ‘Would you marry me? Because I would really like to date you.”

            Incompatible Personalities:

                        “I don’t want to get married; I just want to take you to dinner… maybe sometime                                     next week.”

                        “You are everything that I never knew that I always wanted.”

            She’s a Whore:

                        “She rescues him right back.”

INT – FUTURE HAPPY COUPLE’S HOME - DAY

            They will embrace after this speech and (if it’s a PG film, have their first) kiss.  And we will either fade out on this moment with them as deliriously happy as they could ever be, or we will most likely flash forward in time to a scene showing how their happiness played out (often times something in the shot will address a minor issue they had earlier in the film, such as he finally shaved off his beard or she let him put his sports poster up in the living room, etc).  And more times than not, this flash forward shot will include a baby, the universal symbol for everything working out great in the relationship (because only truly happy people have children, right studio executives?).

The stress of this unplanned pregnancy led to divorce in less than three years.

The credits will then role and we will be treated to either a popular song or a catchy oldies number with the option of a gag reel (often times the one true source of comedy from these supposed romantic “comedies”).

FADE OUT

            And there you have it, the basic anatomy of a Chick Flick. Before anyone tries to come after me for stereotyping these movies, allow me to say that over the years I’ve been in some very trying relationships and I’ve been subjected to more of these than any sane man ought to be.  Much to my chagrin, my research is pretty solid on this particular topic.  Click Flicks are cutesy fluff that is easily digested and they make tons of money, but they’re not great movies.  Feel free to defend your allegiance to these flicks in the comments section below (and then stand there, and be wrong in your wrongness) and as always I appreciate your attention.

Class dismissed.

Prof. Brando