It’s just a fact that life is tough and out here in the real
world, its not often that you find truly good people who stand up for what’s
right, fight for the little guy, stick by you through thick and thin, and make
your world a better place. That’s why
whenever you do accidentally trip over these people in your daily wanderings;
you want to make sure to hold on to them as hard as you can. Because good friends are the glue that will
sometimes be the only thing that holds you together when life really starts
taking a liking to crapping on your head (and that will happen one day, trust
me). In the world of film, there exists
a hyper-realized version of this truth. In the real world a true friend will go
with you to the DMV; in the movies, they’ll go with you to the Gates of Mordor.
I can’t
believe I just referenced this movie.
And while most of cinema is chocked full of plucky
friendships that benefit both the protagonist and their wacky sidekick, this is
simply not always the case. Every so
often, a movie will come along and introduce a duo that is so far less than
dynamic that they should be classified as dysfunctional in every sense of the
word. But what’s even more egregious is
when the film hangs its hat on a main character that is inherently
unlikable. There are more than a few of
these characters running around out there, so in the interest of brevity, I’m
just going to give you my top five.
The editors of
SpoilerAlert Podcast would like to point out that they recognize the fact not
every lead character must be Atticus Finch and not every sidekick must be Robin
for a film to be a good one, but well… this is what Brando decided to write
about this month, so we just kinda let him do it.
Worm – Rounders –
1998 – Played by Edward Norton
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Hey kids,
did you know I was once the Hulk too!
From the previously written-about poker masterpiece, comes
one of the best examples I can think of best buddy who is little more than a
weight around our leading man’s neck.
When Mike introduces us to Worm, he tells us about how not only did he mentor
him growing up, but how Worm bravely took the fall for both of them when their
prep school shenanigans got them into some big boy trouble. He is set up to be a blast from the past that
Mike cares for deeply and is ready and willing to help him re-acclimate into
the real world. The problem with this is
that from the moment he shows up on screen, he proceeds to ruin Mike’s life
with everything he does. He’s a
degenerate gambler (granted they’re both rounders, but Worm keeps throwing away
money he doesn’t have on increasingly bad bets), he shows all the symptoms of a
self-destructive personality, and by the end of the film he’s basically running
around like acting like he can’t wait for the other shoe to drop and get them
both killed. In the final act, Worm’s
inability to be anything other than a complete and utter screw-up puts him in
the cross hairs of some very bad people, and being the friend he is, Mike
vouches for him and puts his own ass right on the line with him. Worm’s response to this allegiance? He financially cripples them both, engineers
a situation where they get the crap kicked out of them, and in the end he
welches on the debt that they are both on the hook for and takes off, leaving
Mike holding the bag. Oh, and along the
way, helping out Worm costs Mike his fiancé.
In his final narration, Mike sums up the conclusion and references his
best friend/personal nemesis by saying, “and Worm, I figure we’re pretty much
square.”
How are you square?!? Three years of law school down the
drain, a relationship ruined, and content just because he’s in charge of his
life again? This is the type of guy you
want to owe money to, kids.
Brad – Four
Christmases – 2008 – played by Vince Vaughn
Sometimes the casting process is a diligent search for the
right actor to fit a role, and other times it’s more of a bunch of studio
executives saying, “Hey, these two are hot right now, let’s put ‘em together in
a flick!” Such is the case in this film,
a charming holiday comedy about a couple who plan vacations at Christmas to
avoid spending the holidays with their respective families (spoilers: their
families are all quirky!). Promoted as
an opportunity to let Vaughn’s wiseass appeal contrast with Reese Witherspoon’s
cool and collected hotness, it was a money-printing idea.
Except, somewhere along the way the writers just started
saying, “well, Vince will make this funny,” and for most of the movie, he
really, really doesn’t. Brad, Vaughn’s
character, spends 90% of this film bitching about how uptight Witherspoon’s
Kate is (an issue that developed in the real world as the two did not get along
on set) and constantly leaving her in hapless situations where she is getting
dumped on. Its common romantic comedy
ground they’re covering, only about a half hour into the film you start to not
like Brad and want him to shut the hell up.
Then about ten minutes later you realize that Kate doesn’t like Brad,
and would never be with the guy and that, dear readers, is when the film finds
itself in real trouble.
Sure by the time the credits role, they’ve re-dedicated
their lives to each other and have a kiddo, but at that point you’re actively
rooting for her to get away from this narcissist and go live her life free of
his tyrannical rule, so you couldn’t care less about their reconciliation. A lot of critics noted the ‘lack of
chemistry’ between the two leads, but I submit the problem was that Brad was
just a Grade-A-Douche.
Kit Deluca – Pretty
Woman – 1990 – played by Laura San Giacomo
In seven
short years, I’ll be on TV with David Spade…
Everyone’s favorite Chick Flick (and to be fair, this one’s
not bad), tells the timeless tale of Vivian, the hooker with a heart of gold,
who meets Edward, a wealthy but emotionally unavailable tycoon, and they fall
in love. But can anyone remember how the
movie starts? Right around the time the
opening credits stop, Vivian checks her cash stash only to find that she is
broke just when her landlord is banging on doors to collect rent. She goes to find her roommate to see where
their money went and we’re introduced to Kit, who just spent all they had on
drugs so she could get stoned with Carlos the pimp.
Throughout the entire film though, Kit does nothing but
hinder Vivian’s life. Her conversation
with Edward reveals that Kit was the one that led her into prostitution and is
keeping her in the life. At one point, when
Vivian leaves some money for Kit in order to pay the rent, Kit shows up and
promptly starts insulting the old folks and causing discord all over the hotel. By the time we get to the third real, Vivian
is ready to get her crap together and head to San Francisco to finish high
school, and her best buddy Kit is hanging around in the background, knocking
her decision and telling her its not going to matter if she goes or not. The last time we see Kit, she’s recruiting
another poor soul into her life of hell.
Isn’t it a little bit telling that all it took was one week away
from Kit for Vivian to get her life together?
That’s because Kit is a life sucking drain that only exists to ruin
Vivian’s life.
George Banks – Father
of the Bride – 1991 – played by Steve Martin
…yeah, I
dated Anne Heche once…
Before you all (Kyle) freak out and start demonizing me for
knocking this beloved performer in one of his best films, let me just state
that I am an unashamed Steve Martin fan, and I celebrate his entire
catalogue. His book, Born Standing Up, is one of the best
memoirs on the life of a comedian that I have ever read, and his decade long
dominance of the landscape of stand-up comedy is a testament to how funny this
guy is. So, just so we’re clear, my beef
isn’t with him, but rather the character of George Banks.
To be fair, the story line requires that George completely
over-reacts to the sudden news that his daughter is engaged to be married to a
man that he’s never met. But as the film
goes on, George goes from being an over-protective father to a manic
depressive, OCD riddled cheapo that imagines conspiracies and at times, he’s
more than a little intolerant to other cultures. I understand that the point of the film is
that George needs to get to the point where he can let Annie go, but the trip
to get there shows that instead of the charmingly chagrinned Dad who’s dealing
with a shock, George is really kind of a dick.
In the scene where they are discussing trimming the guest list down, he
ends up being a petulant child more than a loving father who should rightly
trim a little excess out of his daughter’s wedding budget (seriously, is that
what those things cost? I gotta start
getting people better gifts.)
Granted by the time the credits roll, George has cemented
himself as a warm and loving father, but for the majority of Act Two, he’s a
little tough to take.
Paulie Pennino – Rocky
– 1978 – played by Burt Young
I’m
currently available for ANY other role.
A lot of people forget that one of the most iconic and
inspiring sports figures of all time came out of a very gritty and dark
place. At the beginning of the film,
Rocky Balboa is introduced to us as a debt collector for a local loan shark in
a run down area of Philly, and until Apollo Creed plucks him out of obscurity,
his life is pretty bleak with his only friend being Paulie, an alcoholic butcher. The only positive thing Paulie does for Rocky
is set him up with his sister Adrian, although even Paulie tries to convince
Rocky that she’s not that great of a catch.
As the film goes on, Paulie’s abusive nature toward Adrian causes her to move
in with Rocky, and his constant attempts to cash in on Rocky’s title shot is
the only time Rocky loses his patience with his alleged best pal. As the sequels piled up, Paulie proceeds to
take over Rocky’s job as a loan shark, get arrested for drunk and disorderly,
beg Rocky for a job only to constantly make racist comments about Apollo’s gym
friends, lose ALL of Rocky’s fortune, and in his best moment, he walks out on
Rocky’s annual pilgrimage to remember Adrian because he doesn’t like to recall
what an absolute asshole he was to her while she was alive.
I get that Rocky isn’t the sharpest tool in the shed, but
come on! If Mickey, Apollo, and Adrian
(none of who survived the series) hadn’t been in his life, things would’ve been
a little bleak for the Italian Stallion, and they would’ve only been bleaker
with this idiot following him around and constantly screwing him over.
For all of us at SpolierAlert Podcast, go have a beer with a
true friend!
