The Top Five Protagonist/Supporting Good Guys, Who Are Really Just Jerks

It’s just a fact that life is tough and out here in the real world, its not often that you find truly good people who stand up for what’s right, fight for the little guy, stick by you through thick and thin, and make your world a better place.  That’s why whenever you do accidentally trip over these people in your daily wanderings; you want to make sure to hold on to them as hard as you can.  Because good friends are the glue that will sometimes be the only thing that holds you together when life really starts taking a liking to crapping on your head (and that will happen one day, trust me).  In the world of film, there exists a hyper-realized version of this truth. In the real world a true friend will go with you to the DMV; in the movies, they’ll go with you to the Gates of Mordor.

I can’t believe I just referenced this movie.

And while most of cinema is chocked full of plucky friendships that benefit both the protagonist and their wacky sidekick, this is simply not always the case.  Every so often, a movie will come along and introduce a duo that is so far less than dynamic that they should be classified as dysfunctional in every sense of the word.  But what’s even more egregious is when the film hangs its hat on a main character that is inherently unlikable.  There are more than a few of these characters running around out there, so in the interest of brevity, I’m just going to give you my top five.

The editors of SpoilerAlert Podcast would like to point out that they recognize the fact not every lead character must be Atticus Finch and not every sidekick must be Robin for a film to be a good one, but well… this is what Brando decided to write about this month, so we just kinda let him do it.

Worm – Rounders – 1998 – Played by Edward Norton

Hey kids, did you know I was once the Hulk too!

From the previously written-about poker masterpiece, comes one of the best examples I can think of best buddy who is little more than a weight around our leading man’s neck.  When Mike introduces us to Worm, he tells us about how not only did he mentor him growing up, but how Worm bravely took the fall for both of them when their prep school shenanigans got them into some big boy trouble.  He is set up to be a blast from the past that Mike cares for deeply and is ready and willing to help him re-acclimate into the real world.  The problem with this is that from the moment he shows up on screen, he proceeds to ruin Mike’s life with everything he does.  He’s a degenerate gambler (granted they’re both rounders, but Worm keeps throwing away money he doesn’t have on increasingly bad bets), he shows all the symptoms of a self-destructive personality, and by the end of the film he’s basically running around like acting like he can’t wait for the other shoe to drop and get them both killed.  In the final act, Worm’s inability to be anything other than a complete and utter screw-up puts him in the cross hairs of some very bad people, and being the friend he is, Mike vouches for him and puts his own ass right on the line with him.  Worm’s response to this allegiance?  He financially cripples them both, engineers a situation where they get the crap kicked out of them, and in the end he welches on the debt that they are both on the hook for and takes off, leaving Mike holding the bag.  Oh, and along the way, helping out Worm costs Mike his fiancé.  In his final narration, Mike sums up the conclusion and references his best friend/personal nemesis by saying, “and Worm, I figure we’re pretty much square.”

How are you square?!? Three years of law school down the drain, a relationship ruined, and content just because he’s in charge of his life again?  This is the type of guy you want to owe money to, kids.

Brad – Four Christmases – 2008 – played by Vince Vaughn

 Remember when I did dramas?  Me neither.

Sometimes the casting process is a diligent search for the right actor to fit a role, and other times it’s more of a bunch of studio executives saying, “Hey, these two are hot right now, let’s put ‘em together in a flick!”  Such is the case in this film, a charming holiday comedy about a couple who plan vacations at Christmas to avoid spending the holidays with their respective families (spoilers: their families are all quirky!).  Promoted as an opportunity to let Vaughn’s wiseass appeal contrast with Reese Witherspoon’s cool and collected hotness, it was a money-printing idea.

Except, somewhere along the way the writers just started saying, “well, Vince will make this funny,” and for most of the movie, he really, really doesn’t.  Brad, Vaughn’s character, spends 90% of this film bitching about how uptight Witherspoon’s Kate is (an issue that developed in the real world as the two did not get along on set) and constantly leaving her in hapless situations where she is getting dumped on.  Its common romantic comedy ground they’re covering, only about a half hour into the film you start to not like Brad and want him to shut the hell up.  Then about ten minutes later you realize that Kate doesn’t like Brad, and would never be with the guy and that, dear readers, is when the film finds itself in real trouble. 

Sure by the time the credits role, they’ve re-dedicated their lives to each other and have a kiddo, but at that point you’re actively rooting for her to get away from this narcissist and go live her life free of his tyrannical rule, so you couldn’t care less about their reconciliation.  A lot of critics noted the ‘lack of chemistry’ between the two leads, but I submit the problem was that Brad was just a Grade-A-Douche.

Kit Deluca – Pretty Woman – 1990 – played by Laura San Giacomo

In seven short years, I’ll be on TV with David Spade…

Everyone’s favorite Chick Flick (and to be fair, this one’s not bad), tells the timeless tale of Vivian, the hooker with a heart of gold, who meets Edward, a wealthy but emotionally unavailable tycoon, and they fall in love.  But can anyone remember how the movie starts?  Right around the time the opening credits stop, Vivian checks her cash stash only to find that she is broke just when her landlord is banging on doors to collect rent.  She goes to find her roommate to see where their money went and we’re introduced to Kit, who just spent all they had on drugs so she could get stoned with Carlos the pimp. 

Throughout the entire film though, Kit does nothing but hinder Vivian’s life.  Her conversation with Edward reveals that Kit was the one that led her into prostitution and is keeping her in the life.  At one point, when Vivian leaves some money for Kit in order to pay the rent, Kit shows up and promptly starts insulting the old folks and causing discord all over the hotel.  By the time we get to the third real, Vivian is ready to get her crap together and head to San Francisco to finish high school, and her best buddy Kit is hanging around in the background, knocking her decision and telling her its not going to matter if she goes or not.  The last time we see Kit, she’s recruiting another poor soul into her life of hell.

Isn’t it a little bit telling that all it took was one week away from Kit for Vivian to get her life together?  That’s because Kit is a life sucking drain that only exists to ruin Vivian’s life.

George Banks – Father of the Bride – 1991 – played by Steve Martin

…yeah, I dated Anne Heche once…

Before you all (Kyle) freak out and start demonizing me for knocking this beloved performer in one of his best films, let me just state that I am an unashamed Steve Martin fan, and I celebrate his entire catalogue.  His book, Born Standing Up, is one of the best memoirs on the life of a comedian that I have ever read, and his decade long dominance of the landscape of stand-up comedy is a testament to how funny this guy is.  So, just so we’re clear, my beef isn’t with him, but rather the character of George Banks.

To be fair, the story line requires that George completely over-reacts to the sudden news that his daughter is engaged to be married to a man that he’s never met.  But as the film goes on, George goes from being an over-protective father to a manic depressive, OCD riddled cheapo that imagines conspiracies and at times, he’s more than a little intolerant to other cultures.  I understand that the point of the film is that George needs to get to the point where he can let Annie go, but the trip to get there shows that instead of the charmingly chagrinned Dad who’s dealing with a shock, George is really kind of a dick.  In the scene where they are discussing trimming the guest list down, he ends up being a petulant child more than a loving father who should rightly trim a little excess out of his daughter’s wedding budget (seriously, is that what those things cost?  I gotta start getting people better gifts.)

Granted by the time the credits roll, George has cemented himself as a warm and loving father, but for the majority of Act Two, he’s a little tough to take.

Paulie Pennino – Rocky – 1978 – played by Burt Young

I’m currently available for ANY other role.

A lot of people forget that one of the most iconic and inspiring sports figures of all time came out of a very gritty and dark place.  At the beginning of the film, Rocky Balboa is introduced to us as a debt collector for a local loan shark in a run down area of Philly, and until Apollo Creed plucks him out of obscurity, his life is pretty bleak with his only friend being Paulie, an alcoholic butcher.  The only positive thing Paulie does for Rocky is set him up with his sister Adrian, although even Paulie tries to convince Rocky that she’s not that great of a catch. 

As the film goes on, Paulie’s abusive nature toward Adrian causes her to move in with Rocky, and his constant attempts to cash in on Rocky’s title shot is the only time Rocky loses his patience with his alleged best pal.  As the sequels piled up, Paulie proceeds to take over Rocky’s job as a loan shark, get arrested for drunk and disorderly, beg Rocky for a job only to constantly make racist comments about Apollo’s gym friends, lose ALL of Rocky’s fortune, and in his best moment, he walks out on Rocky’s annual pilgrimage to remember Adrian because he doesn’t like to recall what an absolute asshole he was to her while she was alive. 

I get that Rocky isn’t the sharpest tool in the shed, but come on!  If Mickey, Apollo, and Adrian (none of who survived the series) hadn’t been in his life, things would’ve been a little bleak for the Italian Stallion, and they would’ve only been bleaker with this idiot following him around and constantly screwing him over.

For all of us at SpolierAlert Podcast, go have a beer with a true friend!

The 2014 Brando Awards

It’s that time again, awards season.  We’ve weathered the Emmys, the Golden Globes, the SAG Awards, and probably nine others (Are they still doing the Blockbuster Awards? ‘Cause that would just be weird).  But we all know that these shows are just a ramp-up to the granddaddy of them all, The Academy Awards.  I must confess that this year I saw fewer movies than I should have, it could’ve because of my new job, but also because… Well, to be honest, there wasn’t that much variety out there this year.  I’m not saying that every year has to reinvent the wheel, but when every one of the frontrunners for Best Picture are either based on a true story, or based upon what could’ve easily been a true story (I’m not 100% sure that Joaquin Phoenix knew there was a camera on him in Her), there’s not a lot of room for a Life is Beautiful, a Beasts of the Southern Wild, or even a Life of Pi.  However, as we do every year, we will give these films and more importantly the Academy Awards all the respect that they deserve.

Gotcha!

Editor’s note: We really, really tried to talk Brando out of adding that picture again, but he insisted.  Honestly, he doesn’t have a lot going on right now, so we feel compelled to give him these small victories every once in a while.  Seriously, if you see him on the street, offer him some free pizza or something.

I suppose that there was a lot to be celebrated this year.  This was the year that saw Christian Bale stretch himself into a new role that we weren’t expecting, Jennifer Lawrence turn in an amazing performance, DiCaprio make a movie with Scorsese, and… wait just a tic…  

See friends, this is quickly becoming my beef with the Oscars: apparently we’ve only got so many talented people running around in Hollywood and we keep having to nominate them and wait for a year when they don’t get upset by a Marissa Tomei or Mo’nique, so they can get their damn statue and get off the stage and on with their lives already.  

Honestly, if DiCaprio doesn’t win this year, what else does this man have to do? At this point, he’s pretty much played almost every role out there that the Academy loves:  leading man in a dramatic role about a serious topic – Blood Diamond, mentally challenged – What’s Eating Gilbert Grape?, sexually confused – J. Edgar, unlikable everyman overwhelmed by life – Revolutionary Road, tortured genius – The Aviator, likeable rouge in a dramedy – Catch Me If You Can, over the top bad guy – Django Unchained, someone that’s been directed by Christopher Nolan – Inception.  I’m not kidding around, this list just keeps going…

In any event, secure in the knowledge that the Academy will cover the important topics of the last year in cinema, like Best Sound Mixing (or as we call it, the “Best Time To Go Get Another Beer Category” because lets be real, who cares?); I once again, though no one asked me to, will take up the slack and bring you the winners of the categories that we all really care about.

So without further ado, here are your 2014 Brando Awards!

(“And the Brando goes to…”)

BEST TRAILER: Dallas Buyers Club

I know that it’s odd that I’ve seen the film and I’m still giving the award to the trailer, but this thing is almost flawless.  You show McConaughey, known best for his role in Dazed and Confused in which he played a washed up has-been still partying with teenagers, acting a fool and then facing the consequences of that sort of lifestyle. Immediately obvious is the gaunt skeleton the actor has become to play the HIV positive Ron Woodruff, but if you look closely, within the first minute you see him manifest denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance (these are the five stages of grief, folks), and then you see the hustler take charge and have positive results.  And even though this trailer is impressive enough at this point to make you interested in the film, once that Alabama Shakes song “You Ain’t Alone” starts playing, this kicks it up to a different level and all of the sudden this trailer has a heart as big as Texas.  Add in the shots of our leading man hugging not only Jennifer Gardner as his doctor and friend/possible love interest, but also an almost unrecognizable Jared Leto as his cross-dressing partner in crime, and this trailer becomes the one to beat for last year.  

My favorite part of this trailer is the editing and cards that fill us in not only about the backstory of who this guy is, but how being that man enabled him to become what the story is about.  Bonus points for showing (the always welcome) Steve Zahn in a supporting role as a police officer who can’t help himself from chuckling about Ron’s antics as he lies to the authorities about who his clients might be.  So good was this thing the first time I saw it, that I actually made Kyle and his extended family stop what they were doing and watch it on YouTube.  That isn’t something that happens often.  

Side note: like I said, I’ve seen the film and I have to say, it is not impossible that in just a short time, we may be watching McConaughey stand on the Oscar stage saying, “Just keep O-S-C-A-R-I-N!!”

BEST MISCASTING – Joel Edgerton – The Great Gatsby

Any fan of F. Scott Fitzgerald’s masterpiece has their own ideas about who this character should be.  He’s written as an athletic bully that simply cannot come to terms with the fact that not only are his best years behind him, but that his wife doesn’t love him anymore and his mistress cannot agree to be more than an affair.  In the novel, Tom is portrayed as the undisputed master of his realm (and the only character not sucked in by Gatsby’s tale) and he is certain that he is in complete control of his world, until the moment arrives when he realizes that he isn’t.  And in the final showdown in the hotel suite at the Plaza, Tom breaks down and confronts his wife’s lover, desperate to maintain some sort of power in the situation.

To be completely fair, I think Joel Edgerton is a good actor and his work in the film Warrior is one of the best “good guy just doing the best he can” roles that I have seen in a long time.  But when I saw the trailer for this movie and learned of his casting as Tom, I couldn’t help but think, “Well that doesn’t fit, not even a little bit.”  

And on the outset, it doesn’t.

But there were a lot of things in Baz Lurman’s opus to extravagance (to be fair, almost every film old Baz directs could fit that mold) that do not fit. Carey Mulligan’s Daisy is even more uninvolved than the book sets her out to be, and Tobey MaGuire’s Nick is less of a narrator than someone who is often getting in the way of the story.  This film really hampered Nick by not only having him be the narrator of the plot after he’s experienced it (conveniently having him author the story he is telling, much like Christian in Moulin Rouge), but also by completely excising his romance with the vapid socialite Jordan, which in the book was often Nick’s cover for keeping so intertwined with the plot. 

So while I was ready to turn away and count this film off as a complete misstep, I was pleasantly surprised to find that Edgerton’s performance was the one that I watched the closest.  Giving up an inch and change to DiCaprio on screen, Edgerton’s Tom has to intimidate though bluster and bravado and the result is that he is compulsively watchable in this role, at times giving this film what little energy it has.  During the aforementioned showdown at the Plaza, DiCaprio’s manic fury is drowned out by Edgerton’s cold refinement and ability to dissect the fraud that he sees in front of him.  As a fan of this book it was very difficult to side with the bad guy, but his performance made it possible.

BEST IMPROVISATION – Chris Hemsworth - Thor: The Dark World

Some of the best moments on film occur because of great improvisation (and fantastic editing).  We all know that Indy shooting the sword-toting bad guy in Raiders of the Lost Ark was one of the best, but also note Tommy Lee Jones’ line “I don’t care” as a response to Harrison Ford’s assertion that he didn’t kill his wife in The Fugitive.  These are some great moments on film that come from an actor taking a chance and asserting their viewpoint of their character into the film.  

And every once in a while, this impulse gives us something else entirely: a sight gag.  This film is not a bad follow up to the unexpected enjoyment that was 2011’s Thor, but for the most of the movie the seriousness of the plot didn’t leave time for the fun they were having the first time around.  Luckily for us, Hemsworth loves playing this role, because when the film takes a break from the crazy action that is presents, Thor and Jane head over to Darcy’s apartment to figure out an earthly solution to an Asgardian problem.  After Darcy opens the door and freaks out about where Jane has been since she disappeared (Asgard, for a surprisingly large chunk of the movie) and starts laying out the conflict that will become the final act, there’s just not a lot for a god of thunder to do in a one-bedroom efficiency apartment.

However, in a throwaway take, Hemsworth took the time to hang his mystical hammer (and the source of his power) on the coat rack in Darcy’s apartment, and the editors knew how good that moment was and put it into the final film.  I know it sounds like I’m picking something out of nothing, but this scene made me laugh like crazy in the theater, so it gets my vote, hands down.

BEST REINVENTING OF AN ACTOR – Sam Rockwell – The Way Way Back

If you’ve ever been on a flight home from a bachelor party while one of your buddies was still in a hospital of the town that you were visiting (Apologies to the gentleman, and his wife, for my part in that fiasco), then you know that one of the last things that you would ever expect to do is start watching the in-flight flick, and even more surprisingly turn out to love it.  But that is exactly what happened to me with this film.

Hoping to kill a couple hours between Boston and home, I tuned into the movie, and was immediately confronted with two factors that gave me a long pause; first of all, this was an independent film (in fact at times, its very much an independent film) and second of all, it had Sam Rockwell in it, an actor that over the years I’ve simply come to hate.  Granted I can’t swear that I’ve sampled his entire catalogue, but in every role he plays, from the purposely manic Chuck Barris in Confessions of a Dangerous Mind to the unfortunately manic Justin Hammer in Iron Man 2, Rockwell seems to have one speed for every role he takes: the actual narcotic speed.  He’s always about three levels higher in energy and excitability than everyone else in the cast, and after a few films, I felt that I could predictably say the following with conviction, “Oh, he’s in it? I can go ahead and skip that one.”

But then came this one performance and turned it all around.  

To be completely fair, Rockwell is doing a pretty good job channeling Ryan Reynolds’ shtick from Van Wilder in his role as Owen, the aging theme park manager who’s doing his best to not grow up and actually face the real world.  Not only is Rockwell compulsively likable as he steals absolutely every single scene he’s in, an impressive feat considering that he successfully outshines Mya Rudolph, Nat Faxon, (Dean) Jim Rash, Allison Janney, and Steve Carell; but in the end its Owen that gives the film a lot of the heart that it has.  His mentoring of Liam James’ Duncan makes us love him, while his wide-eyed affection for Rudolph’s Caitlin as his long-suffering girlfriend makes us root for him at the same time.  Add in the fact that he gets literally all of the good one-liners in the film and it’s a perfect recipe for turning around this author’s opinion of the guy.

*As a side note, after watching this film I took a look at 2012’s Seven Psychopaths, and while its not a perfect film; the writer in me absolutely loved it, and Rockwell’s performance in that was much better than what I’d given him credit for in the past.

BEST CAMEO – Pierce Brosnan- The World’s End

"I didn't know I was in it either!"

Wrapping up their Three Flavors Cornetto Trilogy with their most audacious and special effects laden effort yet, Edgar Wright and Simon Pegg decided to ratchet up the stakes from a horror spoofing zombie apocalypse and an action spoof about a town gone mad to an outlandish comedy about aliens taking over humanity through the use of robot replacements.  Borrowing heavily from most conventional ‘alien/robot replacement’ movie set pieces just like they did with their last films’ respected genres, this film sets up the story in these guys’ signature style, throwing us a lot of back story combined with lightning fast editing and hilarious writing.

Pegg’s Gary King has gone nowhere since high school, but he’s so self-deluded that he thinks his biggest regret is that he never finished an epic pub crawl with his best buddies on their last day in their home town.  In order to get his life back on track, he manipulates his four friends, all of whom have moved on with their lives and agree to go along with the plan in an effort to intervene in Gary’s life (although no one brought an Intervention Banner), into heading back home and taking a second stab at ‘The Golden Mile’ the pub crawl encompassing twelve pubs all in one night.  

In proper Wright and Pegg style, this film is filled with just as much pathos as it is zaniness and I was surprised by how unlikable they made the loser-like Gary seem in the first reel.  And just when I started to worry that these guys might have lost their comedic edge, the boys get caught in a men’s room with some aggressive college kids with blue ink coursing through their veins.  From then on it’s a manic romp through The Village of the Drunk & Damned, with the body count and the one-liners piling up by the second. 

The film does take a break from the action in order to squeeze in not only a little exposition, but also the year’s best cameo.  After only showing up in one flashback as the only teacher that understood young Gary, Pierce Brosnan’s Mr. Shepherd materializes in a pub to sit the boys down and try to talk a little since into them (and to explain to the audience just what the hell is going on).  And while he makes a convincing argument that submission to the will of the aliens could make all of them happy again, once Gary’s well-timed burst of a foul-mouthed, humanity-loving diatribe gets out, even the calm and collected Shepherd loses his cool and demands that they toe the line.  This scene is also used to show how impossible it is to kill the replacements, as Gary has to dispatch his former mentor, only to have a perfectly whole replacement walk in seconds later.  

What makes this scene work so well is that even though Brosnan is pimping for the bad guys the entire time, his standard charm and likeability are right there in the performance, and he almost talks the boys into his plan.

Bonus points as well for these guys getting not only a second James Bond to be in one of their films (Timothy Dalton – Hot Fuzz), but also Bond Girl Rosamund Pike as well.

BEST SURPRISE PERFORMANCE – Colin Farrell – Saving Mr. Banks

If you’re going to make a movie produced by Disney about Walt Disney, you’re going to have to bring the best of the best to the table, and in this day in age, that means you’re going to need Tom Hanks.  But you’re also going to need a foil for such a charismatic character, so you’ll need someone who can play controlling and unlikable while not alienating the audience and Emma Thompson is the go to actress for that type of thing.  And if you really want to push it over the edge, you’ll probably need to throw in a nice guy with some legitimate acting chops in a supportive role to get through to the ice queen, say someone like Paul Giamatti.  Now that’s a cast that can make a film fly.

And who’s to say, it very well could’ve.

But in the end it didn’t have to, because the biggest surprise in a film about a magical studio making a film about the world’s most magical nanny was Colin Farrell, playing Thompson’s P.L. Travers’ father in the film’s flashback sequences.  Shown as a loving but terribly flawed man who is killing himself slowly with alcoholism (and kudos to Disney for allowing this harsh of material into such a personal film), Farrell’s performance is what is going to cause the lump in your throat by the end credits.

Equal parts endearing as he indulges his children’s every fantasy, and maddening as he refuses to see the world around him crashing in because of his unwillingness to put down the bottle and do the right thing for his family, Farrell’s character spends the whole movie tragically attempting to get his daughter to believe in a magic that he knows first hand doesn’t exist in this world.  

Known for his leading man looks and acting style, Farrell is not known for performances that are as vulnerable as this one, probably because he’s never really played one before.  Completely gone from this role is any of the cocky swagger of his most notable characters, and as awkward as the scene is where he gives a speech at his banks’ county fair, he pulls it off almost single-handedly.  I’m not kidding around, I literally walked out of the film thinking to myself, “who knew he could do that?” and really I hope this role becomes a springboard that leads better roles for the actor.

Damn...

And there they are folks, the 2014 Brando Awards.

Last year, in an attempt to churn up some discussion, I gave you my picks for best of all time from the seven major categories.  And seeing as I still won’t predict who I think will win on Oscar night until the actual night arrives (you’d understand if you knew how cut-throat the Oscar watching party I go to can get), this year I’m going to give you my list of runners up to last year’s best of the best.  Feel free to comment away!

BEST SCREENPLAY: Nora Ephron - When Harry Met Sally  

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS: Kathy Bates – Primary Colors

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR: Tom Wilkinson – Michael Clayton

BEST ACTRESS: Hilary Swank – Boys Don’t Cry

BEST ACTOR: Gregory Peck – To Kill a Mockingbird

BEST DIRECTOR: Mel Gibson - Braveheart

BEST PICTURE: JFK

From all of here at SpoilerAlert Podcast, please do your best to safely enjoy the Academy Awards.

“And the Oscar goes to…”

- Brando

Brando's Best Scenes in Bad Movies

There are so many movies that live in the hearts of all us out there that for some reason known but to ourselves, we absolutely adore them.  What’s worse, if you were asked under penalty of perjury your true feelings about these flicks, you’d totally deny your affection for them.  We all know what I’m talking about, that moment when you’re around a group of people and they start talking about how ridiculous a movie is, and you laugh on the outside because you’re a very insecure person; but deep down, all you’re really thinking, is “Are you nuts?  That film IS high school for me!”

Eagle Fight Never Dies!

The horrible rouges gallery of bad flicks that live in all of our hearts is way too subjective of a topic to take on in this article, primarily because nine times out of ten, the true reason that people love these flicks has very little to do with the movies themselves, and in actuality has much more to do with some memory tied to when the they first experienced it.  Varsity Blues was a whopping piece of crap when it debuted and I knew it was terrible while I was watching in the theater, but I remember it so fondly because not only was it filmed in my hometown but because watching it reminds me of the time when I was eighteen.  That’s called nostalgia my friends, and it’s a whole different animal. The fundamentals of superior cinema take an immediate backseat when the opening credits to crap on film remind you of your first date with your high school girlfriend.

However, there does exist within the vast wasteland of sub-par films out there a few scenes that truly blow the doors off of the movies that they are contained within, and it is those moments that I’d like to celebrate! Ha-za!

So sit back, relax, and enjoy Brando’s Top Five Best Scenes in Bad Movies:

5 – Chuck loses Wilson in Cast Away

The premise of this film is simple, take a likable everyman, put him in a horrific situation, and watch him struggle and toil over every aspect of his life.  The ambition with which they produced the film is admirable, they filmed half of it and then took a year off (while the whole crew went and made What Lies Beneath) in order to let Tom Hanks lose the weight necessary to portray a man who’s been marooned on an uninhabited island for four years.

People everywhere were commenting not only about the incredible physical change that Hanks put himself through, but also the emotional depth that his performance conveyed; which was pretty much required as the majority of this film is essentially Hanks on an island talking to himself.  Some folks give it much higher marks than I do, but I thought it was a little too audacious of an idea, and when it was all said and done I really didn’t connect with the film at all.  In any event, in order to facilitate Chuck’s descent into solitary dementia and yet keep the audience engaged in a non-schizophrenic protagonist, they came up with the idea to have Hank’s character Chuck engage in stunted conversation with a volleyball that accidentally gets a face drawn onto it.  Dubbed ‘Wilson’ (in probably the best product placement campaign since a certain alien ate a certain candy), this volleyball came to represent at times not only Chuck’s attachment to humanity, but also his conscience and/or the other side of his brain.  Kudos do go to Hanks for pulling off this trick on camera, because there are a lot of actors out there who would have turned Wilson into an excuse for nonstop screen chewing.  Instead they turned inanimate sports equipment into a legitimate character, so much so that when Chuck passes out on his life raft and Wilson falls into the sea, Hanks emotional breakdown gives the film it’s only poignant moment.  Yes, I understand that they were taking us on this incredibly difficult journey, and that they were choosing to emphasize how excruciating every step of Chuck’s life was, but they simply forgot to keep me involved and caring about the characters, except for this one moment. In fact, I submit that this scene hit home so well that it takes away from the intended emotional gut-check of Chuck’s homecoming with Helen Hunt’s Kelly (who for two good actors, don’t really have a lot of chemistry). 

4 – John Proctor’s claiming of his name in The Crucible

Oddly enough, this is probably the first time that I’ve ever written about a film that was based upon a play. 

Editor’s Note: In no way is that correct. -K

Arthur Miller’s classic, which was two parts classic theater and one part commentary on McCarthyism, has served high-schoolers for generations as they learned from the magical world of theater about the dangers of accusing without evidence, how easily a lie could get out of hand, and that old wives used to be called Goodies.   And then in 1996, they went and made a movie about it, negating any eleventh graders’ will to ever read the play.  And while this version had a couple of things going for it (Daniel Day-Lewis, and the always welcome Paul Scofield), it ultimately did not live up to its promise, and became just another retelling of a classic play on film.

But then comes this scene in the final act.  Just as his wife, Elizabeth, and Reverend Hale have convinced him to swear a lie to witchcraft in order to save his life, Proctor recants his confession over the condition that he must sign his name to the document to be displayed in town.  After pleading to be allowed another way, and receiving no mercy from the court, Proctor tears up his own confession in defiance of expectations and finally allows himself to crawl out from under his guilt of adultery, and stand tall as a nothing more or less than a good man. 

Day-Lewis does his best to lift this scene to the heavens on his own, but in the end, what gives it its kick is Joan Allen’s Goody Proctor refusing to talk him out of his decision, and knowing that ultimately, he is willing to die rather than lie about this accusation.

3 – Randall and Dante’s conversation in jail in Clerks 2

Kevin Smith may be one of the most self-aggrandizing bastards in the world, but the cat can spin a yarn.  I would probably listen to him tell the dumbest story in the world, simply because even his most ridiculous moments are incredibly engaging.  Not everything that he touches turns to gold however and often times (as with most of Hollywood) when he falls, he falls hard.  Clerks 2 is one of these times.  This flick has several things hindering it, starting with the fact that it was made primarily to keep a promise to Jason Mewes (Smith’s friend and on-screen side-kick) as a reward for his being able to remain sober, its biggest set piece involved bestiality (because that’s just hilarious), but its biggest problem is that it’s humor just feels… sort of recycled.  A LOT of the jokes in this flick are Smith winking at his fan base and saying, “Hey, remember that one time we did this?  Well, here’s the other side of that punch line!”

But to give credit where it’s due, when the boys find themselves in jail after an ill-advised bachelor party goes wrong, Dante lets loose and unloads on Randall in a stinging tirade that lays all of his problems squarely on his best friend’s shoulders.  And Randall’s response (classic Smith writing as it has just enough raunchiness to make the sweetness shine through that much brighter) hits home with enough emotion and rawness that it completely transcends the movie it is contained within.  Bonus points go to Smith the director for pulling these incredible performances out of these actors, two guys who are mostly known for… well, being in Kevin Smith films.

2 – The Bartender’s wisdom in The Guardian

Let me take one second to honor the men and women who serve in the United States Coast Guard.  What you do is an honorable, and most of the time, thankless job and I am grateful for your efforts.  Let me now offer my condolences for you not getting a better movie. 

Like most everyone who saw the trailer to this film, I thought to myself, “Hey, the Coast Guard is getting its own Top Gun.  Too bad it’s gonna have Kelso in it.”  But a woman can play funny tricks on a man, so when my girlfriend at the time wanted to go see it, I packed up my skateboard and off to the theater we went.

And man oh man, was I ever right about exactly what this movie was going to be.  You take Kelso (sorry, but that is just that dude’s name) as the angry young rookie needing guidance, bring in Costner as the jaded old veteran that can give it to him, throw in a depressing back story (and a depressing current story for that matter), add a few shots of the ocean and sunsets, shake over ice and bingo! You’ve got a diet Top Gun where they focus just as much on Viper as they did Maverick. 

While I was sitting in the theater enduring this flick, digging around my box of skittles and hoping against hope that perhaps I’d missed one or two of them; out came this scene between Costner and Bonnie Bramlett (yeah, me neither) where he complains about being old and she rebukes the common theory about aging with one of the most poignant monologues I had heard in a long time.  Extolling the virtues of pains caused by a lifetime of living, age spots created by a lifetime of memories in the sun, and owning the choices you’ve made, Bramlett’s homespun wisdom culminates in a great summation, “Getting old ain’t bad Ben.  Getting old, that’s earned.”  This scene is assisted greatly by Costner getting out of its way and ignoring his character’s constant need to rage against the dying of the light.

1 – Funeral Scene in Hope Floats

It’s a well known fact that actors have pet projects in Hollywood, and that often times they are forced to make films that they would rather not make in order to secure financing for their dream roles.  In this case, Sandra Bullock agreed to go back to the well and star in Speed 2: Cruise Control, a film about a… oh, who cares?  I know it sucked, Sandra Bullock knows it sucked, we all know it sucked!  Just don’t tell Jason Patrick, it’s the best opening weekend he’s ever had. 

What the damn hell?!?

Once filming wrapped on that piece of crap, 20^th Century Fox had to pay up and let Sandy make her pet project, a little film about a divorcee coping with life’s ups and downs and falling in love in the process.  Directed by Forrest Whitaker, it was intended to showcase Bullock’s dramatic range and prove that audiences would sit through a film without explosions or nudity, provided the story was moving enough.  Unfortunately, it did not accomplish these goals.

Suffering from an overblown script that kept its main characters static for way too long, only to have them turn on a dime in the last reel, this film failed to find its pace; not to mention the fact that at the time this was filmed, Ms. Bullock hadn’t yet turned the corner to real leading actress and some of the more emotional scenes got drug down from overacting.  And through it all, Gena Rowlands’ Grandma Ramona provides just enough country wisdom and love to the group that you just know that come hell or high water… she will absolutely be dead by the time the credits role. 

And when the funeral that you know just had to be coming begins, and Bullock’s character Birdee Pruitt’s estranged husband shows up for the inevitable showdown against the Birdee she’s become rather than the one he left in the opening credits, you know you’re in for that clichéd moment when she can shine through the pain and put him in his place. 

But juxtaposed to this sequence, Harry Connick Jr’s Justin shows up at the house and starts talking to Travis, Birdee’s young nephew who’s been all but abandoned by his unseen mother, who for the entire film seems to be just too busy for him.  Furthering the boy’s alienation by not even showing up for her own mother’s funeral, his mom’s abandonment causes Travis to feel so alone that by the time Justin gets there he is just sitting on the porch staring at the post card his mother sent him.  While Birdee and her husband scream it out in the house, Justin sits down next to Travis and starts talking to him.  And when the little boy asks if Justin needs to go inside to see the other adults, Connick turns in one of his best performances when he looks at the kid and delivers the film’s best moment, “Didn’t you know?  I came here to see you.”  Travis’ unrestraigned relief in just mattering to someone gives this scene the wings that the rest of the film is trying so hard to develop.  Bonus points go to this film for including Garth Brooks’ song ‘To Make You Feel My Love” (Hi Radfords!)  For a film that celebrated sentimentality over substance, that was a pretty damn good scene. 

- Brando