Brandon has some thoughts on The Batman

Hello Internet!!

It’s been some time, so we should probably catch you up on what’s gone on over here at Spoiler Alert!! 

Kyle has two kiddos, Brandon is married with a kid, and Brad is still the greatest producer ever!

But enough about us, let’s talk movies (but not about Bruno)!!

So, I went to the movies for the first time in two years to see The Batman.  In the time of COVID (yep, still using it), I think we’ve all pounced on pop culture a little harder than usual in order to give us some distraction over the last two years, and as such I followed as much information about the production of this film as I could, seeing as he’s probably my favorite superhero and I LOVED the Nolan Batman films.  Now, I like to think that I’ve become a little wiser with age, so I’ve learned to be more patient with films when they are in the larva stage and not publicly decry a casting choice that I did not agree with.  Case in point, when I heard that Heath Ledger was cast as The Joker, I though it was the worst misstep in cinema history; so I’ve learned to not jump the gun when comparing my novice opinions to the vision of professional filmmakers and blast a film until I’ve seen the final vision played out before me.   With everything going on in this world that divides us, I like to think movies are a place that we can come together and enjoy a communal experience and debate our opinions in good spirits about something truly trivial.  Let’s face it, as fun as it is to participate in these critiques (and it is!) none of this talk really matters and that’s why it’s totally okay to agree or disagree with someone about their opinion about something so trivial and subjective as movies.
 

Actually, it’s also totally okay to disagree with people about their opinions on anything, even important topics like religion, politics, or pizza toppings and still love them for who they are.  In fact, it’s encouraged!     

Anyway, when it comes to The Batman, I feel that I’ve had a unique reaction to this film and I wanted to express how I felt about it.  It’s important to know going in, that since I am incapable of talking about a film without plot points, I’m about to spoil the hell out of this film. 

Again, DO NOT READ if you have not seen this movie.  Seen it?  Cool, then this article is for you, but you should know going in, that this isn’t a typical article where we crack wise.  Because, I’ve thought a lot about this film and here’s the truth: 

I HATED this movie.
 
I hated this movie for a few reasons, a few critiques/quibbles and one over-arching reason (I’ll give supporting examples below), but mainly I hated it for being… well, ugly.  I was trying to articulate to my wife after I saw it and I couldn’t find the words at the time (I kept landing on “offended” but that isn’t the right word) and finally, all I could think about was that scene in Tombstone when Dana Delaney is mourning her friend who has been killed in the mayhem of the wild west and says something to the effect of, “It’s ugly, this whole world is ugly, and you’re all ugly too!!  And I don’t understand any of it!!!”  That’s how this movie left me feeling.  To be honest, eighteen years ago I felt the same way about The Crow, and when Kyle pointed out that this film felt a lot like that film as we were leaving the theater, I thought, “man, he sure nailed it with that comparison.”
 
Supporters of this film are going to say that it is intended to show Bruce struggle to become the Batman he eventually will become (even though the film establishes that he’s been active for two years already) as seen in other gritty reboots like Casino Royal with James Bond or, well… Batman Begins.  But the issues I have with this film aren’t just in the area of, “It didn’t really have Batman in it” that I’ve heard from others; although I do have some issues with the Dark Knight’s portrayal in the film, which I’ll address below. But in truth, this film bothered me way more than just simple disagreements with the filmmaker’s choices or even a passionate disappointment over how they portrayed a character that I have loved since childhood.  Honestly, this brooding and tortured version of the character plays almost like they watched The Dark Knight’s infamous and brilliant interrogation scene, meditated on the moral dilemma that The Joker posited and then said, “Yep, we all really do suck! Let’s double down on the vile, and get our beloved hero right into that crap!”  Ugh, but I digress…

 

The Good:

Before we get to my issue with the film, here’s what is actually good about it:

• Production Values.  This was not a poorly made film by any means and the set design, effects, and production were all top notch.   Honestly, there are some beautiful scenes in this flick, my two favorites being in the finale. 
• The Runner-Up: Batman leading the people through the flooding waters in the arena.
• Grand Prize: The image of Batman carrying a hurt victim to help on the top of the roof. (That’s Batman, folks)
• Catwoman – she’s just about perfect in every scene she’s in, including when she’s just an emotional Selina Kyle trying to make a bad guy pay for what he has done to her friend and to her mom.  Bonus points here as well for not giving her too much motivation (Batman Returns) or aloofness (The Dark Knight Rises).  She’s just a girl trying to make it in a tough world and for a grounded take on a costumed supervillain/antihero, this one is very well done.
• The Batsuit – taking a page from the Arkham video games, Batman’s silhouette doesn’t need to be all pectorals and deltoids, he can have equipment strapped to him too.
• Kudos as well for showing his back without the cape covering it at all times (CGI Capes allow for this so much better than that latex blanket that Keaton wore in ‘89).
• Alfred’s concern that he was not the right man to raise Bruce, and his failure may have actually caused Bruce to push himself to have a violent response to his trauma. This is a nuanced sentiment that is threaded through the comics but is rarely ever addressed in the films as well as it was in that one scene. 

The Bad:

Critiques and Quibbles from the Critic in Me:

• The Overall Mood of the Film – Holy Depressing World, Batman!!  Look, I get that Batman has a depressing backstory (he can’t escape the trauma that shaped him…) and he rises from a very dark place.  But the whole point of Batman is to channel this trauma into action to prevent others from experiencing his pain.  That’s what Batman is all about, creating something that stands for justice out of the ashes of a crime, to use action to escape the pain (albeit in a fictional and completely unhealthy way in the real world).  This version of our hero just plain revels in the pain and anguish.  
• I understand that in this film he is so obsessed with being Batman that he doesn’t care about anything else, including his family legacy, or even his own life.  And as a character obsessed, Batman has a long history of being alone and brooding, but it’s because he feels AN UNCONTROLLABLE COMPULSION TO BE BATMAN.  This film goes out of its way to show us that this “Project” is a choice that he is making and its making him miserable.  And rather than re-evaluate how to make this work better, he simply stews in the melancholy. 
• I mean, I’ll concede that Bruce Wayne can be an eccentric recluse in the two scenes he’s in where he interacts with the public (he shouldn’t be, because if the public is looking for someone who would dress up as a Halloween character to fight crime, the stoic introvert who struggles putting more than two sentences together is a lot more suspicious than the party guy – which is why he invented the playboy persona in the first place, but whatever…); but for crying out loud, even Batman mopes around in this world!! When he’s not beating people to a pulp, he kind of just sulks in the corner.  Batman dresses like he does to scare criminals so they will freak out at the sight of him and cower in fear.  That’s the whole point of the shadows, cape, smoke bombs, repelling down from the roof, and all that stuff; but this Batman never uses his appearance as a weapon or looms as any kind of threat to the thugs he’s facing other than his slightly better fighting skills.  As a result, he never grows larger than his fist.  He’s just a guy in a suit that is willing to get beat up and beat others up. 
• To me, the defining moment of what I’m talking about here is when he has to turn down the maudlin alternative music he’s listening to in the Batcave when Alfred comes in.  I bumped into this choice so hard, because they actually have our hero jamming the grunge music while in the cave so he can revel in the darkness and mope.   This isn’t the film setting the mood by using the music to set a depressing tone that this guy just can’t escape from, this is the character choosing to immerse himself into it.

• Would We Call That Plagiarism? – Listen, one too many homages and you’re just ripping people off, and this thing has a LOT of them. Let me just say before I roll out this list that I realize there have been a million Batman films, so I’m not splitting hairs about seeing new takes on iconic Batman stuff like him talking to Gordon or the design of the Bat-symbol or anything.  These are specific shots/sequences that I bumped into and actively thought, “Hey, I’ve seen that before!!”
• The “Man Behind the Cowl” Shot (Bruce in the suit with the cowl off, usually shot from the back) – Batman Begins/Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice
• Attack at a Funeral, sending the crowd running in panic – The Dark Knight
• Hero Narration/Journaling with dates – Watchmen
• Bad guys’ house full of scribbled notebooks showing his insanity – Seven
• Jumping off the roof to escape pursuit by having the cape alter into a flight device – Batman Returns
• Vehicle hiding in the shadows, then surprising someone when it powers on – Batman Begins & The Dark Knight Rises (itself an homage of the original scene in Batman Begins)
• Batman advancing in the dark with muzzle flashes illuminating his progress – The Dark Knight Rises (this one especially upset me, since it was such a neat trick the first time I saw it in DKR)
• Villains-ish:
• The Riddler – Paul Dano’s prep work: take one part Ledger’s Joker, add one part John Doe from Seven, and one part Eli from There Will be Blood, shake over ice and serve
• The Penguin – right hand man with flair, who is designed to be comic relief (and maybe a little voice of the everyman) but he doesn’t fit in this movie.  There’s way too much going on for a “the Penguin Rises” subplot, and he’s basically any flamboyant right hand man from any mob film.  

• What the Heck, Man?!? (The little things I bumped in to):
• Batman’s Identity :
• The Riddler’s apartment has a huge mural saying “Who is Batman?” right next to a photo of Bruce Wayne saying “I know who you are!” – I know they played the twist of the Riddler not truly knowing Batman’s identity (which, they honestly pulled off), but there are 25 cops in that room.  You’re telling me that no one is going to say, “hmm, is that jawline comparable….”?  He even says something cryptic to Gordon basically acknowledging this, and Gordon just shakes it off.
• Batman’s functionality in the real world:
• He is shot at multiple times from all kinds of guns, sometimes at point blank range but never has a scratch on him.  How?!?!  All I wanted was one scene were Alfred mentions something along the lines of putting that high powered magnet in this bat symbol really draws all the bullets to his well-protected chest, or something.  Look movie, I’ll go with you that Batman has to be able to be shot at and keep advancing, but you’ve got to give me a some sort of logical reason for it.
• He makes no effort to disguise his voice, but yet is a public figure – anyone with a smartphone can crack this mystery. I know this was a choice to avoid Christian Bale’s growling from the Nolan Batman, but at least give me something.
• Crime Scenes:
• He is absolutely corrupting the crime scene every time he is there and the Riddler’s lawyer will have a field day with this issue.
• The movie goes to great pains to show the cops object to Batman’s presence EVERY FREAKING TIME he is at a crime scene, but after Gordon chastises them, they always just sneer and let him pass.  After the first objection is overcome and Gordon has established that he lets Batman in the room, we really shouldn’t be having this discussion any longer.
• This is especially bad in the scene with when it’s just Batman and the cop at the Riddler’s apartment, when the cop proceeds to try to stop him and then allows him to continue TWICE within moments of each other.  “Don’t come in here.  Well, ok come in, but don’t touch anything.  Ok, you can touch stuff, but don’t pull up the floor.  Ah, what the heck, pull up the floor!”  Dude, either stop him or shut up!!
• For a film that was designed to show the Dark Knight’s detective skills, Batman is pretty freaking gullible. 
• Who’s the Rat: the Riddler’s clue alludes to an animal, then it must be the Penguin!!   Batman talks to the Penguin and surprise, it’s not him…   He learns its Falcone… well his name is sort of like a falcon, I guess?  
• Who killed the Waynes?  He talks to Falcone, and it was Maroni who killed his parents!!  No wait, he talks to Alfred, and it was Falcone!!  But then, Alfred talks a little more, and it could be anyone…   I get that there are red herrings to go through in a detective story, but its permissible for the character to have a thought and not express it verbally.
• For a film so grounded in realism of crime and the depressing horror of it, what the heck are drops?!?!?
• Really, movie?!? The Riddler can talk about babies freezing to death and rats chewing off children’s fingers, but don’t you dare mention or show real drugs (to be fair, this may be the work of the studio or the MPAA for all I know).  The characters could’ve literally talked in generalities – “narcotics, junk, poison, etc…” or just use the generic term drugs (Nolan’s world did this), but instead they have Sarsgaard getting high off of glowing Visine in front of Selina, and never bother to explain what drops are, how they work, or where they came from. The Riddler even says he was addicted to them as a child, so how long have these things been around?
• In this universe, the Waynes were alive in 2001, so why does their home look like a decaying castle from the 1950’s?  As previously stated, this version of Batman doesn’t care about the Bruce Wayne life or façade, and is letting his home rot from within.  But if that’s true, it would look like a decrepit theme park that closed twenty years ago, not the twelfth floor of the Haunted Mansion.
• Also – someone explain to me the virtue of having Bruce painting his floor with his thoughts?   Seriously?!? I love to whiteboard too, but that would’ve taken hours of work just to have him stand there and spend a few tortured moments and still not understand the Riddler’s plan.  This was especially egregious to me, because this was the one moment I had been waiting for the entire movie, the moment when Bruce was going to work through the problem by himself.  Stripped of Alfred and Gordon’s help, he was going to work like a detective to solve the mystery, and spring into purposeful action as Batman.  But instead, this massive amount of work just leads him to his dad’s old files, which he rifles through for a minute before being distracted by Selina to go meet up and abandon the idea of solving this thing alone.  They made such a meal out of this scene, and to leave it with no payoff absolutely killed me.

 
The Truth about why I really hate this movie (we’re going to stop joking around now):
 
It went too far. 
 
In this day and age, I completely understand that by setting Batman in the real world, the film requires that the villains are truly villainous.  I mean, you can’t have a realistic Batman if the plot of the film is him trying to stop the Riddler from turning Gotham Square into a giant Green Question Mark.  But the choice this film made in the finale went too far into the real world for me, and instead of showing Batman rise against evil, they brought a comic book film down into the depths of our worst headlines.  Let me address the filmmakers directly here: with every option that you have available to you in the extensively layered world that you’ve meticulously created, your finale to this film is to have the Riddler goad his online followers to storm a political rally and fire on an unsuspecting crowd from the rafters with guns?!?  I cannot begin to describe in how poor of taste this choice is in light of current America.  At a time when our school teachers train on what to do if there is an active shooter, in the wake of the Attack on the Capital which was motivated by sketchy online content, and in the shadow of fact that this actually happened in real life in a movie theater to an audience watching a Batman Movie just ten years ago, you are going to choose to end this film this way?
 
That is too far.
 
Why am I the only one this bothers??!?!  I haven’t heard one critic say that the ending went too far, and to be honest I really haven’t heard it from others who agreed with me in not particularly liking the film.  The biggest complaint that critics seem to have is too long of a run time, but this film currently has an 87% approval rating and no one has raised the issue that this ending hits a little too close to home for a superhero movie.  I’m not advocating for censorship of the film, nor am I of the opinion that movies create psychopaths (I am however, open to a further discussion about the effects of constant violent content on the emerging young psyche in light of our rapidly advancing technology, but that’s a topic for another day).  I’m simply saying that I, personally, myself, found this choice distasteful and even if they fixed every quibble I had from my above lists, I would still hate this movie because of this choice.
 
I have no idea what plot I would use for a Batman film in this day in age, which is why it’s probably pretty hard to write one; but I think Nolan and company took it just about as far as it needs to go.  The difference between those films and this one is that while those villains’ schemes were as diabolic and abhorrent as the one shown in this film, they couldn’t have happened in real life.  Better authors than I have written countless articles pointing out the mind-numbing amount of sheer coincidences and/or co-conspirators that are required in order to facilitate the bad guys’ plans in the Nolan films, especially The Dark Knight.  That’s not the case with this film though, and while some could argue that great cinema should be able to scare you (and I’ll admit it, I’m scared of random acts of violence), I submit that this film takes a dive on addressing the line that it is crossing.  Sure, Batman shows up and pummels the bag guys in the final reel and eventually saves the day, but those shooters get off a LOT of shots before he shows up and even though for the purposes of drama those are collateral damage to raise the stakes for our hero; on a newspaper page those are victims, and I couldn’t separate the two when I was sitting in that theater. And for that, I hate this movie.
 
In the end, I just couldn’t believe how much I never want my son to see this version of my favorite hero, and how much I am looking forward to showing him the animated show from the ‘90s, who did that character proud.
 

Ok, I’m done.

Star Trek Into Lists - Kyle Rates the Star Trek Movies

Star Wars or Star Trek? It’s the eternal geek debate, and if you’re worth your salt in either midichlorians or dilithium crystals you know which side you fall on. If that last sentence made little to no sense to you, then congratulations on all of your success in high school. In the great beyond of geek culture though, it’s well known that your allegiances have to lie with one or the other. Sure, if you’re a wampa-riding nerf herder, you might think Wrath of Khan is cool, and conversely, it would take the cold heart of a Romulan not to get a charge during Empire Strikes Back, but because this is the internet, lines in the sand must be drawn and you HAVE to have a favorite franchise.

Maybe it’s because I’ve always been inclined to root for the underdog, but since I was 10 or so I’ve been a Star Trek man. The Star Wars trilogy is a lot of fun, but nothing gets me excited like seeing the Enterprise gliding through space at Warp 6 with either Captains Kirk or Picard at the helm (don’t get me started on that debate…okay…Picard). I can’t go toe-to-toe with the die hards, having seen many of the original series episodes but never memorizing them, and I have to admit, I never got around to watching the last few seasons of Deep Space Nine, but I do thoroughly enjoy the Star Trek cinematic universe despite its many, MANY flaws.

Pictured: Flaw

I guess it speaks to the optimism you find in your general Star Trek fan. We love the movies, in spite of themselves. There’s cheap effects, bad acting, questionable story elements, and Doc Brown dressed as a Klingon, but the fans are able to see past all of this mess to enjoy the real movie below--the epic masterpiece that never made it to the screen, but whose seed is buried deep inside some of the Federation’s worst offenders (I’m looking at you Final Frontier). With that in mind, and with the announcement of a new Star Trek digital series planned for 2017, I think I’ll celebrate my favorite franchise by boldly going where many on the internet have gone before and rate all 12 Star Trek movies individually on a scale of 0 to 5.

Engage!

1. Star Trek: The Motion Picture (1979)

The movie that launched a multi-billion dollar cinematic franchise almost wasn’t a movie at all. In fact, in the mid-70's Paramount Studios was planning on revitalizing the Star Trek brand with a new TV show called Star Trek: Phase II, but with movie-going audiences’ acceptance of big budget sci-fi blockbusters like Star Wars and Close Encounters of the Third Kind the TV project was quickly scrapped in favor of giving the Enterprise crew a shot at the big screen. Heavy on story, ideas, and effects but woefully light on action, The Motion Picture makes for one of the more interesting Star Trek movies but also the slowest and, dare I say, most boring. 

Not that there's anything boring about Bones' sweet beard.

The reworked Phase II pilot script embraces thoughtful 70’s science fiction without really appealing to anyone outside of the show’s built-in audience. Still, for a fan, this is a beautiful movie that continues the wide-eyed exploration attitude of the show and serves as a great jumping off point for the Enterprise and her crew.

For the Enterprise’s introductory money shot alone, I give it 3.5 Drunken Scotty’s.

2. Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan (1982)

Coming out with the big guns early, the Star Trek team followed up 1979’s G-rated tranquilizer dart with an action-packed blockbuster. The second installment brought back a storyline from the original series and showed Captain Kirk and his crew could still kick a little space ass while ruminating on their own mortality and pondering if there’s room for a crew of quinquagenarians in the Federation. So much happens in this stellar movie--Kirk finds out he has a son, we learn Khan’s been alive the whole time and has fantastic pectoral muscles, Kirstie Alley wears prosthetic ears, and, oh yeah, Spock freaking dies! 

Don't cry. Don't cry. Don't cry.

If you’re looking for a first class science fiction/action film that doesn’t skimp on either the heart or scene chewing villain, look no further than Wrath of Khan. It may be the second film, but for the Star Trek newbie it should be your starting point into the series. Hopefully Wrath of Khan will be able to build up enough goodwill to get you through some pretty low spots coming up on the horizon.

Hands down the best of the series; this one gets 5 Khan chests.

3. Star Trek III: The Search for Spock (1984)

Unable to handle Ricardo Montalban’s scene-hogging in their last outing, Spock is now dead, which is a bad thing for Paramount because it turns out he’s one of the most popular characters in the series. The studio bigwigs put their heads together and thought, if we’re going to keep churning these things out it’s time for some serious backpedaling. With Nimoy now in the director’s chair (part of his deal to reprise the iconic role of Spock) part 3 works to continue the events of Wrath of Khan while leading to the second biggest death of the series. No, not Kirk’s son David (he didn't even get to wear a red shirt)…I’m talking about the destruction of the beloved Enterprise at the end. With the later Next Generation crew ditching and destroying their ship as often as possible, it’s hard to imagine what a big deal this probably was when initially seen on screen. 

On The Next Generation set, we call this a Tuesday.

Along with possibly the worst fight scene of the series (between perennial action hunks Christopher Lloyd and a mid-50s Shatner) Search for Spock is more concerned with finding a convoluted way to bring the pointy-eared Vulcan back from the dead than actually entertaining the audience. David deserved better.

Or maybe this is exactly what he deserved. I've never been a fan.

A sharp drop-off from Khan, Search for Spock only gets 2 Klingon Doc Browns.

4. Star Trek VI: The Voyage Home (1986)

Following the hot mess of Star Trek III, second time director Nimoy shows a surer hand and simplifies things while introducing a little time travel to the Star Trek cinematic universe. Embracing the eco-friendly message of the mid 80’s, Captain Kirk and his team also save Paramount Studios a fortune on set construction and travel back to 1986 looking for a pair of humpback whales. 

Space, the final frontier.

It turns out that in the future humpback whales are extinct, and as luck would have it, are humanity’s only hope for survival against a giant shrieking space probe looking for a quick chat with the marine mammals. Relying more on comedy than any other entry to the franchise, The Voyage Home brings the Star Trek series back on track with its message of ecology and humanity. Plus, the mom from Seventh Heaven's in it, playing marine biologist, Dr. Scientist.

Ditching spaceship battles and adding fish-out-of-water laughs, this movie gets 4 humpback whales.

5. Star Trek V: The Final Frontier (1989)

With Nimoy exiting directorial duties and William Shatner stepping in, Star Trek V represents a new low for the promising franchise, combining the one-two punch of a terrible story idea with some truly awful effects. Yup, this is the one where Kirk meets God, only it’s not really God, and we get to meet Spock’s brother, who just got out of the shower or something (there's a lot of bath robe-wearing in Final Frontier).

You guys are out of shampoo.

I’m not sure what all is going on in this disaster, but I do know that 57-year-old Uhura does a fan dance and the boys sing Row, Row, Row Your Boat around a campfire. I’d tell you to skip this one, but for sheer ineptness it’s almost worth a watch.

Go climb a rock instead; Final Frontier only gets 1 space marshmallow.

6. Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country (1991)

We’ve finally reached Kyle’s jumping off point into the Star Trek universe with 1991’s Undiscovered Country. At the tender age of 9 I was introduced to these 60-year-old space explorers and a heavily mustachioed Red Forman.

Dumbass

Shooting for a darker tone than the films before it, Star Trek VI looked to wipe audience’s minds of the events in the previous movie and show the last real adventure of the Federation’s favorite crew. The plot mirrored current events, the Berlin wall had fallen and America was beginning a tentative relationship with the former Soviet Union, so Kirk’s prejudices were revisited as he was forced to work with the crumbling Klingon Empire. What this means for fans is a zero gravity space fight featuring Pepto Bismol blood bubbles and Shatner finally getting to fight his only true equal, himself. There’s a lot of ham-fisted dialog and too much Shakespeare-quoting in this movie but an engaging mystery in the middle section of the film and a cast that’s obviously having a lot of fun lifts Undiscovered Country into enjoyable movie status. To this day my first Star Trek film remains one of my favorites.

Klingon lava lamp blood and Iman help earn this movie 4 Captain Sulus.

7. Star Trek Generations (1994)

Out with the old and in with the new, kind of…as the series attempts to make the transition from Original Series to Next Generation cast in a movie that almost works. I know that Generations is not a great film, but it’s always had a soft spot in my heart. This is the movie that had the audacity to kill Kirk not once, but twice and introduce the new Enterprise-D on film to promptly destroy it (in a genuinely exciting action sequence). The “ask questions first, shoot phasers later” tone of Star Trek: The Next Generation follows the cast of the future into their first feature film, as Captain Picard is sucked into an energy ribbon, or “plot device”, and is able to fulfill the dream (if not the /fic) of every Trekker and team up with the girdle-wearing grandpa, Captain Kirk. 

Time to break out my action toupee.

What should have been an exciting contrast of methodologies ultimately amounts to three senior citizens, including a confused Malcolm McDowell, climbing around rocks in the California desert. If anything Generations gives us a few fun moments and a thrilling action set-piece as the Enterprise crash-lands on an forested planet. The less said about Data’s emotion chip, the better.

A step down from Star Trek TNG’s TV show, Generations only earns 3 Captain Alan Rucks.

8. Star Trek: First Contact (1996)

In a film worthy of my favorite iteration of the Star Trek universe, the Next Generation crew gets their first stand-one movie and the chance to battle the terrifying Borg. Time travel is center stage in the eight installment of the now 17-year-old franchise when the crew of the Enterprise must travel back to mid-21^st century America to stop the Borg from preventing humanity’s first contact with an alien race and assimilating all of earth. What this really works out to is the chance for Patrick Stewart to shine as Captain Jean Luc Picard and bring back a storyline from the television show, exploring Picard’s time assimilated by the Borg. 

There's also a Tommy gun fight for some reason.

I would say it’s no coincidence that the two most successful movies in the Star Trek canon are those revisiting ideas initiated on television and diving deeper into them on the big screen. Both Picard and Data both have to consider what it is to be human as the Borg look to strip Picard and his crew of their humanity while granting Data his. In other words, it’s how Star Trek functions when it’s at its best, an action-packed ride through the cosmos mixed with deeply emotional storytelling.

Forget dancing James Cromwell at the end; First Contact earns 4.5 Tommy gun-wielding Picards.

9. Star Trek: Insurrection (1998)

Well, that ended quickly. The Next Generation crew was off to a great start with First Contact, but follows it up with cheap-looking slog that comes off more as a discarded script from the television series. While reaching for Gene Roddenberry’s idea of exploration this movie falls flat with terrible special effects, vaguely magical aliens, and F. Murray Abraham dressed as a scrotum.

This should probably be blurred out.

The plot revolves around the discovery of a secret plot by the now evil Federation (?) to relocate a magic alien race to help save a gross-looking alien race (that it turns out is actually the same alien race). While there are good moments anchored by an always superb Stewart, who gets to wear a sweet leather jacket, Insurrection just makes me want to watch one of the many better television episodes.

Wholly forgettable, the ninth in the series only gets 2.5 singing Datas.

10. Star Trek: Nemesis (2002)

Universally hated, I have more love in my heart than most for the Star Trek movie that almost killed the entire series. A young Tom Hardy shows up as a clone of Captain Picard bent on destroying the Federation.

Trust me, kid. Comic book movies are the way to go.

Listen, I get it, there’s a lot bad in this movie but I’ve always enjoyed the genuinely excellent performance by Stewart in his last run as Captain of the Enterprise. Data is given more to do this time, besides goofy comedy involving his emotion chip, as he also confronts a mirror of himself in the android B4. All-in-all bad dialog wins the day, as well as some sub-standard special effects. Even though the critical and commercial failure of Nemesis killed the Star Trek franchise as we know it, there are some enjoyable action sequences, including an inspired use of the Enterprise as a battering ram (destroyed it again!). I wish they could have gone out on a stronger note, but at least Data got to sing a few bars of “Blue Skies”.

Not the train wreck everyone would have you believe, I give Nemesis 3 trombone-playing Rikers.

11. Star Trek (2009)

After the Next Generation crew proved to be box office poison and the original series cast proved to be dying off, the Star Trek franchise was primed for a big budget reboot seven years later with a new group of sexy young cadets. 

Pictured: Nerds

Paramount did not disappoint when they gave the helm of the newly designed Enterprise to burgeoning nerd-god JJ Abrams. Despite hiring the same writers who penning the Shakespearean classics Transformers and Transformers 2, the new film took the creative path of a soft reboot of the franchise, using original cast member Nimoy to kick off a series of events leading to an altered timeline. Like a good comic book, 40 years of continuity was wiped clean and Abrams was free to play in the Trekker sandbox. What he did with it was a make a polished and exciting, if not all-together Star Trek-like, movie. The reboot is incredibly watchable, with a fine lead performance by Chris Pine as the young Captain Kirk, but falls apart if you think too much about the altered timeline and series of events that bring the old crew together again. Much of this movie gets things absolutely correct for a fan, but it shows cracks and signs of bad times on the horizon.

Refreshed and rebooted, the alternate timeline gets 4 unnecessary lens flares.

12. Star Trek into Darkness (2013)

My fears proved to be real in the final (to date) Star Trek movie. Conceived as a dumb-actioner instead of a sci-fi epic, Star Trek into Darkness tries too hard to cash in the goodwill of previous movies to draw in the audience. More video game than movie, the writers and director throw everything thing at the screen, hoping bigger is better. When a rogue Starfleet agent threatens the entire Federation Kirk must once again lead the Enterprise on a mission to save humanity (why is the Federation evil again??). What transpires is a clumsy attempt to shoehorn Khan into the new continuity while flipping the Spock/Kirk death scene climax of Wrath of Khan on its head. Luckily, in a "surprise" move, Kirk’s alive again by the time the credits roll, so no one will have to call Christopher Lloyd to see if he’s available for Star Trek XIII: The Search for Kirk. 

MARTY!!!!!!!

It’s obvious the writers were more interested in explosions than Star Trek and that Abrams' eyes were never really on the prize, turning his run on Star Trek into a successful bid for the directing job on the new Star Wars movie. We can only hope that the upcoming Star Trek Beyond, written by Simon Pegg, can right the ship again.

Too much action and a video game premise earn Into Darkness 2.5 inappropriate underwear shots.

The Star Trek movies have come a long way since 1979 but with the December release of a new Star Wars movie will undoubtedly be pushed to the side again. For us real fans though, we don’t mind. We’ve still got our VHS copies of the original films to keep us company. Remember those…? With the spines that formed an image of the Enterprise when you lined them all up? Just me?

Oh well, I thought it was cool.