Star Wars or Star Trek? It’s the eternal geek debate, and
if you’re worth your salt in either midichlorians or dilithium crystals you
know which side you fall on. If that last sentence made little to no sense to
you, then congratulations on all of your success in high school. In the great
beyond of geek culture though, it’s well known that your allegiances have to
lie with one or the other. Sure, if you’re a wampa-riding nerf herder, you
might think Wrath of Khan is cool, and conversely, it would take the cold heart
of a Romulan not to get a charge during Empire Strikes Back, but because this is the
internet, lines in the sand must be drawn and you HAVE to have a favorite
franchise.
Maybe it’s because I’ve always been inclined to root for
the underdog, but since I was 10 or so I’ve been a Star Trek man. The Star Wars trilogy is a lot of fun, but nothing gets me excited like seeing the Enterprise
gliding through space at Warp 6 with either Captains Kirk or Picard at the
helm (don’t get me started on that debate…okay…Picard). I can’t go toe-to-toe with
the die hards, having seen many of the original series episodes but never
memorizing them, and I have to admit, I never got around to watching the last
few seasons of Deep Space Nine, but I do thoroughly enjoy the Star Trek cinematic
universe despite its many, MANY flaws.
Pictured: Flaw
I guess it speaks to the optimism you find in your
general Star Trek fan. We love the movies, in spite of themselves. There’s
cheap effects, bad acting, questionable story elements, and Doc Brown dressed
as a Klingon, but the fans are able to see past all of this mess to enjoy the real
movie below--the epic masterpiece that never made it to the screen, but whose
seed is buried deep inside some of the Federation’s worst offenders (I’m
looking at you Final Frontier). With that in mind, and with the announcement of
a new Star Trek digital series planned for 2017, I think I’ll celebrate my
favorite franchise by boldly going where many on the internet have gone before
and rate all 12 Star Trek movies individually on a scale of 0 to 5.
Engage!
Engage!
1. Star Trek: The
Motion Picture (1979)
The movie that launched a multi-billion dollar cinematic
franchise almost wasn’t a movie at all. In fact, in the mid-70's Paramount Studios was
planning on revitalizing the Star Trek brand with a new TV show called Star
Trek: Phase II, but with movie-going audiences’ acceptance of big budget sci-fi
blockbusters like Star Wars and Close Encounters of the Third Kind the TV project was quickly scrapped in favor of giving the Enterprise crew a shot at the big
screen. Heavy on story, ideas, and effects but woefully light on action, The
Motion Picture makes for one of the more interesting Star Trek movies but also
the slowest and, dare I say, most boring.
Not that there's anything boring about Bones' sweet beard.
The reworked Phase II pilot script
embraces thoughtful 70’s science fiction without really appealing to anyone
outside of the show’s built-in audience. Still, for a fan, this is a beautiful
movie that continues the wide-eyed exploration attitude of the show and serves
as a great jumping off point for the Enterprise and her crew.
For the Enterprise’s introductory money shot alone, I
give it 3.5 Drunken Scotty’s.
2. Star Trek II:
The Wrath of Khan (1982)
Coming out with the big guns early, the Star Trek team
followed up 1979’s G-rated tranquilizer dart with an action-packed blockbuster. The
second installment brought back a storyline from the original series and showed Captain Kirk and his crew could still kick a little space ass while ruminating on their
own mortality and pondering if there’s room for a crew of quinquagenarians
in the Federation. So much happens in this stellar movie--Kirk finds out he has
a son, we learn Khan’s been alive the whole time and has fantastic pectoral
muscles, Kirstie Alley wears prosthetic ears, and, oh yeah, Spock freaking
dies!
Don't cry. Don't cry. Don't cry.
If you’re looking for a first class science fiction/action film that
doesn’t skimp on either the heart or scene chewing villain, look no further
than Wrath of Khan. It may be the second film, but for the Star Trek newbie it
should be your starting point into the series. Hopefully Wrath of Khan will be
able to build up enough goodwill to get you through some pretty low spots coming up on
the horizon.
Hands down the best of the series; this one gets 5 Khan chests.
3. Star Trek III:
The Search for Spock (1984)
Unable to handle Ricardo Montalban’s scene-hogging in their
last outing, Spock is now dead, which is a bad thing for Paramount because it
turns out he’s one of the most popular characters in the series. The studio
bigwigs put their heads together and thought, if we’re going to keep churning
these things out it’s time for some serious backpedaling. With Nimoy now in the
director’s chair (part of his deal to reprise the iconic role of Spock) part 3
works to continue the events of Wrath of Khan while leading to the second
biggest death of the series. No, not Kirk’s son David (he didn't even get to wear a red shirt)…I’m talking about the
destruction of the beloved Enterprise at the end. With the later Next Generation crew
ditching and destroying their ship as often as possible, it’s hard to imagine
what a big deal this probably was when initially seen on screen.
On The Next Generation set, we call this a Tuesday.
Along with possibly the worst fight scene of the series (between perennial
action hunks Christopher Lloyd and a mid-50s Shatner) Search for Spock is more concerned
with finding a convoluted way to bring the pointy-eared Vulcan back from the dead than actually
entertaining the audience. David deserved better.
Or maybe this is exactly what he deserved. I've never been a fan.
Or maybe this is exactly what he deserved. I've never been a fan.
A sharp drop-off from Khan, Search for Spock only gets 2 Klingon
Doc Browns.
4. Star Trek VI:
The Voyage Home (1986)
Following the hot mess of Star Trek III, second time
director Nimoy shows a surer hand and simplifies things while introducing a
little time travel to the Star Trek cinematic universe. Embracing the eco-friendly
message of the mid 80’s, Captain Kirk and his team also save Paramount Studios a
fortune on set construction and travel back to 1986 looking for a pair of humpback
whales.
Space, the final frontier.
It turns out that in the future humpback whales are extinct, and as
luck would have it, are humanity’s only hope for survival against a giant
shrieking space probe looking for a quick chat with the marine mammals. Relying
more on comedy than any other entry to the franchise, The Voyage Home brings
the Star Trek series back on track with its message of ecology and humanity. Plus, the mom from Seventh Heaven's in it, playing marine biologist, Dr. Scientist.
Ditching spaceship battles and adding fish-out-of-water
laughs, this movie gets 4 humpback whales.
5. Star Trek V:
The Final Frontier (1989)
With Nimoy exiting directorial duties and William Shatner
stepping in, Star Trek V represents a new low for the promising franchise,
combining the one-two punch of a terrible story idea with some truly awful effects. Yup, this is the
one where Kirk meets God, only it’s not really God, and we get to meet Spock’s
brother, who just got out of the shower or something (there's a lot of bath robe-wearing in Final Frontier).
I’m not sure what all is going on in this disaster, but I do know that 57-year-old Uhura does a fan dance and the boys sing Row, Row, Row Your Boat around a campfire. I’d tell you to skip this one, but for sheer ineptness it’s almost worth a watch.
You guys are out of shampoo.
I’m not sure what all is going on in this disaster, but I do know that 57-year-old Uhura does a fan dance and the boys sing Row, Row, Row Your Boat around a campfire. I’d tell you to skip this one, but for sheer ineptness it’s almost worth a watch.
Go climb a rock instead; Final Frontier only gets 1 space
marshmallow.
6. Star Trek VI:
The Undiscovered Country (1991)
We’ve finally reached Kyle’s jumping off point into the
Star Trek universe with 1991’s Undiscovered Country. At the tender age of 9 I
was introduced to these 60-year-old space explorers and a heavily mustachioed
Red Forman.
Dumbass
Shooting for a darker tone than the films before it, Star
Trek VI looked to wipe audience’s minds of the events in the previous movie and
show the last real adventure of the Federation’s favorite crew. The plot
mirrored current events, the Berlin wall had fallen and America was beginning a tentative relationship
with the former Soviet Union, so Kirk’s prejudices were revisited as he was forced to
work with the crumbling Klingon Empire. What this means for fans is a zero
gravity space fight featuring Pepto Bismol blood bubbles and Shatner finally getting
to fight his only true equal, himself. There’s a lot of ham-fisted dialog and too
much Shakespeare-quoting in this movie but an engaging mystery in the middle
section of the film and a cast that’s obviously having a lot of fun lifts
Undiscovered Country into enjoyable movie status. To this day my first Star
Trek film remains one of my favorites.
Klingon lava lamp blood and Iman help earn this movie 4
Captain Sulus.
7. Star Trek
Generations (1994)
Out with the old and in with the new, kind of…as the
series attempts to make the transition from Original Series to Next Generation
cast in a movie that almost works. I know that Generations is not a great film,
but it’s always had a soft spot in my heart. This is the movie that had the
audacity to kill Kirk not once, but twice and introduce the new Enterprise-D on film to promptly
destroy it (in a genuinely exciting action sequence). The “ask questions first,
shoot phasers later” tone of Star Trek: The Next Generation follows the cast of
the future into their first feature film, as Captain Picard is sucked into an
energy ribbon, or “plot device”, and is able to fulfill the dream (if not the
/fic) of every Trekker and team up with the girdle-wearing grandpa, Captain
Kirk.
Time to break out my action toupee.
What should have been an exciting contrast of methodologies ultimately
amounts to three senior citizens, including a confused Malcolm McDowell,
climbing around rocks in the California desert. If anything Generations gives
us a few fun moments and a thrilling action set-piece as the Enterprise
crash-lands on an forested planet. The less said about Data’s emotion chip, the
better.
A step down from Star Trek TNG’s TV show, Generations
only earns 3 Captain Alan Rucks.
8. Star Trek:
First Contact (1996)
In a film worthy of my favorite iteration of the Star
Trek universe, the Next Generation crew gets their first stand-one movie and
the chance to battle the terrifying Borg. Time travel is center stage in the
eight installment of the now 17-year-old franchise when the crew of the
Enterprise must travel back to mid-21st century America to stop the
Borg from preventing humanity’s first contact with an alien race and
assimilating all of earth. What this really works out to is the chance for
Patrick Stewart to shine as Captain Jean Luc Picard and bring back a storyline from
the television show, exploring Picard’s time assimilated by the Borg.
There's also a Tommy gun fight for some reason.
I would
say it’s no coincidence that the two most successful movies in the Star Trek
canon are those revisiting ideas initiated on television and diving deeper into
them on the big screen. Both Picard and Data both have to
consider what it is to be human as the Borg look to strip Picard and his crew
of their humanity while granting Data his. In other words, it’s how Star Trek
functions when it’s at its best, an action-packed ride through the cosmos mixed
with deeply emotional storytelling.
Forget dancing James Cromwell at the end; First Contact
earns 4.5 Tommy gun-wielding Picards.
9. Star Trek:
Insurrection (1998)
Well, that ended quickly. The Next Generation crew was
off to a great start with First Contact, but follows it up with cheap-looking
slog that comes off more as a discarded script from the television series.
While reaching for Gene Roddenberry’s idea of exploration this movie falls flat
with terrible special effects, vaguely magical aliens, and F. Murray Abraham
dressed as a scrotum.
This should probably be blurred out.
The plot revolves around the discovery of a secret plot
by the now evil Federation (?) to relocate a magic alien race to help save a
gross-looking alien race (that it turns out is actually the same alien race). While
there are good moments anchored by an always superb Stewart, who gets to wear a
sweet leather jacket, Insurrection just makes me want to watch one of the many better television episodes.
Wholly forgettable, the ninth in the series only gets 2.5
singing Datas.
10. Star Trek: Nemesis (2002)
Universally hated, I have more love in my heart than most
for the Star Trek movie that almost killed the entire series. A young Tom Hardy
shows up as a clone of Captain Picard bent on destroying the Federation.
Trust me, kid. Comic book movies are the way to go.
Listen, I get it, there’s a lot bad in this movie but I’ve always enjoyed the
genuinely excellent performance by Stewart in his last run as Captain of the
Enterprise. Data is given more to do this time, besides goofy comedy involving
his emotion chip, as he also confronts a mirror of himself in the android B4.
All-in-all bad dialog wins the day, as well as some sub-standard special
effects. Even though the critical and commercial failure of Nemesis killed the
Star Trek franchise as we know it, there are some enjoyable action sequences,
including an inspired use of the Enterprise as a battering ram (destroyed it
again!). I wish they could have gone out on a stronger note, but at least Data
got to sing a few bars of “Blue Skies”.
Not the train wreck everyone would have you believe, I
give Nemesis 3 trombone-playing Rikers.
11. Star Trek (2009)
After the Next Generation crew proved to be box office
poison and the original series cast proved to be dying off, the Star Trek
franchise was primed for a big budget reboot seven years later with a new group of sexy young
cadets.
Pictured: Nerds
Paramount did not disappoint when they gave the helm of the newly
designed Enterprise to burgeoning nerd-god JJ Abrams. Despite hiring the same
writers who penning the Shakespearean classics Transformers and Transformers
2, the new film took the creative path of a soft reboot of the franchise, using
original cast member Nimoy to kick off a series of events leading to an altered
timeline. Like a good comic book, 40 years of continuity was wiped clean and
Abrams was free to play in the Trekker sandbox. What he did with it was a make
a polished and exciting, if not all-together Star Trek-like, movie. The reboot
is incredibly watchable, with a fine lead performance by Chris Pine as the
young Captain Kirk, but falls apart if you think too much about the altered
timeline and series of events that bring the old crew together again. Much of
this movie gets things absolutely correct for a fan, but it shows cracks and signs of bad times on the horizon.
Refreshed and rebooted, the alternate timeline gets 4 unnecessary
lens flares.
12. Star Trek into
Darkness (2013)
My fears proved to be real in the final (to date) Star
Trek movie. Conceived as a dumb-actioner instead of a sci-fi epic, Star Trek into Darkness tries
too hard to cash in the goodwill of previous movies to draw in the audience.
More video game than movie, the writers and director throw everything thing at
the screen, hoping bigger is better. When a rogue Starfleet agent threatens the
entire Federation Kirk must once again lead the Enterprise on a mission to save
humanity (why is the Federation evil again??). What transpires is a clumsy
attempt to shoehorn Khan into the new continuity while flipping the Spock/Kirk
death scene climax of Wrath of Khan on its head. Luckily, in a "surprise" move, Kirk’s alive again by
the time the credits roll, so no one will have to call Christopher Lloyd to see
if he’s available for Star Trek XIII: The Search for Kirk.
MARTY!!!!!!!
It’s obvious the
writers were more interested in explosions than Star Trek and that Abrams' eyes
were never really on the prize, turning his run on Star Trek into a successful
bid for the directing job on the new Star Wars movie. We can only hope that the
upcoming Star Trek Beyond, written by Simon Pegg, can right the ship again.
Too much action and a video game premise earn Into Darkness 2.5
inappropriate underwear shots.
The Star Trek movies have come a long way since 1979 but with the December release of a new Star Wars movie will undoubtedly be pushed
to the side again. For us real fans though, we don’t mind. We’ve still got our
VHS copies of the original films to keep us company. Remember those…? With the spines
that formed an image of the Enterprise when you lined them all up? Just me?
Oh well, I thought it was cool.
I'm curious if you have any of the Tommy gun-wielding Picard bobble heads for sale?
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