Kyle Ranks the Star Wars Movies

It's worse than you think!

With last week’s stunning revelation that the Disney Corporation had purchased Lucasfilm from that turkey-necked madman, George Lucas, for $4.1 billion dollars the entire internet was thrown into a heated debate over what this could mean for the future of the Star Wars franchise. Was the four decade reign of terror by what increasingly seemed like a sophisticated cyborg sent back in time to destroy everything nerds hold dear finally over? Was this just the beginning of a new chapter in mind-bendingly insane cinematic decisions? Is Mickey Mouse still as irrelevant and boring as he was when I was a child? I think before we get too excited about the future of the Star Wars universe we should take a brief look at where the franchise has been, and how else to do that than the tried and true internet method of making a snarky list! Huzzah!

1.) Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back

Obviously if you’re ranking Star Wars movies, you have to put Empire at the top. I would’t be legally allowed to post this on the interwebs without touting the second outing as the cream of the crop when it comes to exotic space operas. Lucas took a back seat for this installment and let Leigh Brackett and Lawrence Kasdan handle the writing duties, while Irvin Kershner took over as director. Hmmm…that couldn’t factor into Empire being the best of the six, could it?  Granted, Kasdan helped Lucas write Jedi, but come on, I mean, Ewoks. Ewoks people!? If the first movie serves as an introduction to this universe the second fleshes the world out tenfold. The audience travels to multiple new worlds, meets exciting new character (none of which get a song and dance number), and is treated to a plot twist that would make M. Night Shyamalan’s head spin. When it comes to heart, action, and Muppets, you can’t beat Empire. 

 He's no Kermit, but he'll do in a pinch.

2.) Episode IV: A New Hope

Or as anyone born before 1995 knows it, Star Wars. If you’d believe the plaid, bearded one, Star Wars was the little movie that could. Filmed for bubble gum and trading cards, without the full support of its studio*, Star Wars was instantly a cultural phenomenon that I don’t remember because I wasn’t born for another five years.

*Pictured above: Studio apathy

The world was introduced to a young, Aryan farm boy and his two gay robot pals as they searched the galaxy with a criminal and an old man for the only woman alive who turned out to be his sister. As you can see, this movie had very wide appeal.

3.) Episode VI: Return of the Jedi

I go back and forth with Jedi. For one, getting out of Jabba’s clutches at the beginning takes a little too long for my taste and at a point feels like they’re padding the running time. It’s also pretty undeniable that the Ewoks are a frightening omen of thing to come for our beloved franchise, as Lucas delved deeper into merchandising opportunities and less into things that make any damn sense on screen. We are also treated to some fantastic ret-conning when Luke finds out the only girl he’s ever gotten to first base with is also his sister. Don’t worry, they’re kids’ movies! Jedi can’t be completely written off though as the last 45 minutes to half hour are among some of the most strong moments in the series. Also, this happens:

Please don't get up.

4.) Episode III: Revenge of the Sith

Spike TV is making it their mission that I never forget the prequels happened, and the reason that I know when people say, “Sith was actually pretty good” what they actually mean is, “I’ve passed my usefulness as a person”. From the cartoon action sequences to the most ham-fisted disappointing introduction of the galaxy’s prime badass at the end, they’re no doubt that something horrible is in the water at Skywalker Ranch. Only the bloated, hour and a half (probably) fight on Planet Steel Mill at the end pushes this movie just past crime against humanity to unwatchable.

 Yesssssss!

5.) Episode II: Attack of the Clones

I don’t remember this movie despite seeing it in the theater twice. That doesn’t bode well. I know what Yoda turns into a cartoon and this happens though:

Talk about your wardrobe malfunction! I'll let myself out.

6.) Episode I: The Phantom Menace

With almost two decades to stew in the possibility of a new entry in the Star Was saga anticipation had reached a fever pitch in the late 90’s. With the simple act of releasing the title of the first in three new movies a collective “huh?” fell over a confused nation. In hindsight, the title makes perfect sense. The Phantom Menace is the Emperor posing as the senator guy…that or it’s the racist alien caricatures with the weird eyes. Maybe the Phantom Menace is the ever-present threat of government control. I’d say it’s Jar Jar, but there wasn’t much phantom about that menace. Meesa was going to try and get through this without mentioning the lizard horse Jamaican, but it’s proven to be impossible. I guess I’ll just let this serve as my argument against him:

Don't worry Liam, in a few years you'll be in Batman Begins.

Phantom Menace marks the point where all things fun about the original movies was forgotten and replaced with CGI, lengthy discussions on trade negotiations, and confusingly bad child acting.

 Weeeeee!

The Star Wars movies (sixilogy) serve as a beautiful example of a franchise reaching groundbreaking cinematic highs and crushing cultural lows. Let’s hope that by wrestling control from the all-knowing Creator, the Star Wars saga can get back on track since apparently it’s not just going to fade away like we’d all really like it to.