The thing about seeing Jordan in his prime was that it made
me remember a time when we knew nothing bad about the guy. He was the ultimate sports icon and EVERYBODY
loved him. We didn’t know about the
infidelity that eventually led to his divorce, or the fact that his legendary
competitive drive routinely caused him massive gambling debts because he
couldn’t bring himself to walk away from a losing hand. He was the purest image in sports, synonymous
with the word “champion,” and a cash cow for any company lucky enough to have
him be the face of their product. Jordan
was so revered that in the summer of 1991, Gatorade, easily the most popular
sports drink in the world, crafted an advertising campaign based not on the
proven efficiency of their product to deliver electrolytes and colored sugar
water into your system, or even their dominance in the marketplace; instead
their whole campaign was based upon Jordan’s likeability (and profitability) in
the iconic “Be Like Mike” add campaign.
“Its
Jordan, who gives a rat’s about what your product does!
Everyone over the age of twenty-five remembers this
campaign, as not only is the song itself is a catchy jingle (“Sometimes I
dream, that he is me. You have to see that’s how I dream to be…”), but by the
end of its run, it was so popular that they actually got Larry Bird to be in a
commercial touting the greatness of his former on-court nemesis, while he was
coaching the Pacers against Michael and the Bulls in the NBA Eastern Conference
Finals! That is the level of devotion
and national reverence America
had for number 23 (and later 45) at this time in our history.
And so, in honor of the great Michael Jordan (Space Jam, 1996), I’m delving into the
archives of my memory and bringing you my top ten Michaels in the world of
film:
The
editors of SpoilerAlert Podcast would like to note that Brando is going to be
naming roles where the character is named Michael in various films and is not
actually discussing the greatest actors named Michael. When we mentioned to Brando that actually
listing actors would be a better idea than just naming the best characters
named Michael, he locked us on the roof of our offices and has yet to let us
back in.
Seriously,
we could really use some food up here.
The Top Ten
Michaels in Film:
10. Mikey (Michelangelo)
- Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
- 1990
Played by Michelan Sisti, voiced by Robbie Rist
What’s not
to love about a fun-loving mutant turtle that can kick major ass and knows the
value of a good pizza? Spawned from an underground comic book and then parlayed
into a cultural icon, the Turtles where everywhere in the nineties; from toys
to cartoons, these guys dominated every pop culture aspect on the landscape and
they succeeded in bringing Cowabunga back into the American lexicon. And while Leo was the leader and Ralph had
the attitude, Mikey was always everybody’s favorite when the chips came
down. When the film was released in
1990, it quickly became the highest grossing independent film of all time, and
with the heart that Jim Henson’s shop gave these characters its no mystery
why.
Best Line:
“God, I love being a TURTLE!!”
Drawback: By the nature of the ensemble cast and the origin
story weighing down the plot, Mikey does the best he can with what little
actual screen time he gets.
9. Commander Mike Metcalf (Call Sign ‘Viper’) – Top Gun – 1986
Played by Tom Skerritt
When it
debuted, Top Gun not only vaulted
everyone in it into the stratosphere of stardom, it also served as the best
recruitment film the Navy ever took part in (seriously, the Navy would set up
recruiting stations outside of theaters in order to sign young men all hopped
up on the adrenaline of the movie). And while plenty can be said for the aerial
photography, and the badass soundtrack, what gives this movie the heart that it
has is Viper guiding Maverick through the story. Their scene when Viper finally reveals the
truth about his dad is one of my all time favorite scenes (and it had a pathos
that this flick usually doesn’t get credit for), and its Viper that delivers
the confidence that Maverick covets from the opening credits on.
Best Line: “Maverick, you’ll get
your REO when you get to your ship. And
if you don’t, give me a call. I’ll fly
with you.”
Drawback: Viper himself doubts Maverick the entire film,
until all of the sudden he doesn’t.
8. Sgt. Mike Horvath – Saving
Private Ryan – 1998
Played by Tom Sizemore
Before he
was known as the walking punch line that loved his drugs and dated Hollywood’s Madame
(actually he was doing both of these during filming), Tom Sizemore was a known
action/tough guy actor that actually had some acting chops. So good was he that Spielberg thought enough
of him to cast him as the supporting character in his WWII opus that went on to
redefine how war movies were to be made.
There are so many wonderful performances in this film that I could do a
whole other article about it alone (who knew Edward Burns and Vin Diesel, yes
Vin Diesel, could be that good?), but when Tom Hanks is holding court in a
Steven Spielberg film, you know everyone’s going to bring their A-game. And
holding it all together is Sizemore’s gruff but lovable platoon sergeant that
cares about the mission first and getting home second. I really can’t say enough about his
performance in this film and if you’ve never seen it, you’re living you’re life
wrong.
Best Line: “Someday we might look
back on this and decide that saving Private Ryan was the one decent thing we
were able to pull out of this whole god-awful, shitty mess.”
Drawback: Sizemore’s delivery during the first half of the
film is a lot more like a modern guy playing a historical figure than his
natural cadence in the later reels.
7. Michael Corben – If
Looks Could Kill – 1991
Played by Richard Grieco
I’m gonna
take crap for putting this role so high up on this list, and if you are a naysayer,
then guess what? You need to watch this movie again. James Bond has been wrecking shop for decades
and rightfully so; but back in ’91 this movie snuck out of Hollywood and turned the spy genre on its
ear. The concept of this flick is every
teenager’s fantasy: Michael is on a class trip to Paris when he gets mistaken for a secret
agent and spends the rest of the movie living a tongue-in-cheek parody of a
Bond film; complete with hot chicks, fast cars, automatic weapons, and a Lotus
Esprit. The nature of Michael’s confusion over the situation plays to Grieco’s
strengths as an actor, as his best trick is being good looking and not saying
too much; but it’s when he finally understands what is going on and jumps in
whole-heartedly that this flick really takes off.
Best Line: “Easy on the jacket, this is an A-Bologna suit!”
Drawback: Unfortunately, they do let Greico (and a very
young Gabrielle Anwar) try and act during some of the exposition scenes.
6. Michael Gallager – The
Absence of Malice – 1981
Played by Paul Newman
Paul Newman
is a badass. Period. Steve McQueen gets the credit for being the
icon of cool, but Newman can run that play and still has acting talent to
boot. His inevitable Oscar for The Color of Money was an obvious nod to
the royal shafting he got for not winning for The Verdict, which is one of the best performances of all time;
but nothing diminishes the legacy of Newman in the history of film. This film,
while not one of Newman’s most known, is famous for bringing Wilfred Brimley to
America’s attention as he plays the no nonsense Assistant US Attorney Wells who
shows up in the final reel to set everyone straight (a part that he later
spoofed as the Postmaster General in an episode of Seinfeld) But it’s the
anguish that Newman’s Gallager feels over his innocent friend getting dragged
into the machinery of a newspaper investigation that pushes this film further
and further into our collective memory.
Best Line: “I’m
Michael Gallager. I want to know where this story came from.”
Drawback: Great as they are apart, Newman and Sally Field
have a hard time generating genuine chemistry for most of the film.
5. Michael Sullivan – Road
to Perdition – 2002
Played by Tom Hanks
Sam Mendes’
luscious love letter to the gangster genre was packed with powerhouse
performances (again with the Newman!), but once again, the world’s nicest man
and possibly greatest living actor, showed up and carried the entire
picture. Based off of the graphic novel Lone Wolf and Cub, this film follows the
story of a father and son on the run from the mob, trying to avenge the death
of their family and still be able to live in peace at the end. Hanks’ portrayal
of the haunted Sullivan is tempered with just enough light moments to make us
root for him, but also anchored with enough menace for us to understand why
everyone fears him. From the unfeeling
mafia soldier he is in the beginning of the film to the reluctantly violent
father that is desperate to save his last child in the end, Hanks embodies
Sullivan with enough vitality to make us remember that the guy can literally
play any role. And he does it all with a tenth grader’s mustache living on his
face the entire time.
Best Line: “The name’s Sullivan, you want me to spell it?”
(Honorable Mention: “Michael
might.” – in response to Rooney telling him that none of them were eve going to
get to Heaven.)
Drawback: Hanks has to spend most of the movie playing off a
ten year old boy, and at times the dialogue is very, very minimal.
4. Michael J. ‘Crocodile’ Dundee – Crocodile Dundee – 1986
Played by Paul Hogan
Am I the
only one that thinks that the entire continent of Australia owes this guy some sort
of national holiday? Co-written by Hogan himself, this flick single handedly
paved the way for all of America
to fall in love with the outback (and if you think I’m kidding around, check
out the ad campaign Hogan did with the Subaru Outback or the fact that Outback
Steakhouse has absolutely no ties to Australia at all). Taking the fish
out of water idea to new heights, this film puts the American reporter (played
by Linda Kozlowski, who later became Hogan’s wife) out of her element in the
bush, and then takes the hero of the piece and drops him into a pre-Giuliani
cleaned up New York City. The result is
not only really funny, but also incredibly endearing and it all works because
Hogan’s earnestness is in top form from beginning to end.
Best Line: “That’s not a knife. Now that’s a knife.”
(Honorable Mention: “G’day! Name’s
Mick Dundee from Australia.
In town for a few days, probably see you around.” – to a random New Yorker on
the street)
Drawback: At the end of the day, this character is really
only a novelty; a fact that they drove home with two lackluster sequels.
3. Mike McDermott – Rounders
– 1998
Played by Matt Damon
Ushering in
my generations’ obsession with no limit Texas Hold ‘Em; this film is a worthy
entry into the gambler genre of film.
When we meet Mike, he’s a busted out loser that is living the straight
life, trying to remember how he lost it all in one card game. By the time Edward Norton’s Worm is left in a
parking lot and Mike has to go back into Teddy KGB’s place and face his demons,
we’re rooting for him so hard that we no longer care that the film is shot
beautifully or that every supporting character is fully fleshed out. What makes us love Mike so much is that even
though he spends the whole film trying to please everyone, by the time he gets
back to where he started from, his biggest achievement is that he’s finally at
peace with himself. From losing his
girlfriend to paying off the one person that believed in him enough to back him
financially, Mike’s greatest triumph is that by the time the credits role he
doesn’t owe anyone anything.
Best Line: “Listen, here’s the thing. If you can’t spot the sucker at your first half hour at the table, then you are the sucker.”
(Honorable
Mention: “I’m sorry John, I don’t remember.”)
Drawback: Mike’s purposefully controlled response to
everything that happens regulates Damon to being the straight man in almost
every scene.
2. Michael Clayton –
Michael Clayton – 2007
Played by George Clooney
Very few
films come along and take us deeply into the motivations of the main character
as well and as quickly as this one does.
Shot in a non-linear, four day flashback, Tony Gilroy’s masterpiece
fully explores how far one man can ignore the truth before he finally succumbs
to it. Set against the high powered
world of corporate litigation, and boasting one of the most razor sharp scripts
to ever see the light of day, this film grabs you by the throat with its dense
and wordy introduction, and then leaves you breathless with the shocking
end. In fact, this film proves that you
don’t need gunfights or intense chase sequences to qualify as a thriller. Clooney plays the part of Clayton with such a
disenfranchised detachment that its easy to see how he’s letting himself slip
further and further into the methods of his job, and hasn’t question his place
in a very long time. However, once the
moment arrives that he can no longer deny the world he inhabits, or his role in
it, we all understand why he can’t stand by and just make sure that business as
usual proceeds (other than his ‘holy-crap-that-was-awesome’ performance in Syriana,
he’s never been better). And as much as
I could say about the supporting cast (Tilda Swinton won an Oscar for her
performance), this whole movie flies on the wings of a phenomenal script.
Best Line: “There’s no play here.
There’s no angle. There’s no champagne room. I’m not a miracle worker, I’m a
janitor. The math on this is simple; the smaller the mess, the easier it is for
me to clean up.”
(Honorable Mention: “You need to
stop and think this through. I will help you think this through. I will find
someone to help you think this through. Don’t do this. You’re making it easy
for them.”)
Drawback: As good as Clooney was in this, and he was; it was Tom Wilkinson’s performance as Arthur Edens that stole the show from absolutely everyone in sight. On a personal note, it is a shame that he had to go up against Heath Ledger’s flawless turn as The Joker at the same Academy Awards. Any other year, and he would’ve won hands down.
1. Michael Corleone – The
Godfather Trilogy – 1972, 1974, 1990
Played by Al Pacino
Easily the
most complete character on this list (and maybe one of the most fleshed out
characters in all of film), Michael Corleone’s rise and fall is perhaps the
greatest story arch in the history of motion pictures (Suck it Anakin!). When we meet him in the first film, he’s a
war hero that is desperate to convince his beloved Kay that he is not the same
as his criminal family and wants a better life.
However, once his father’s life is threatened, Michael jumps not only
into the middle of the action, but ends up becoming the heir to his father’s
throne. By the time the second film comes around, he’s the undisputed head of
the Corleone Family and it isn’t until it is too late that he realizes he’ll
never go back. Literally there can not
be enough said about how great the first two films are, and it is unfortunate
that they all got back together for The Godfather
Part III: The Quest For More Money.
Within that film, however, there is a scene or two that services the
story of Michael Corleone, and treats us all with the logical conclusion to how
a life such as this plays out. Pacino
(who has never been better, even though at times in his career has tried to
emulate this performance) inhabits Michael with so much passion that we support
every single, horrible decision that he makes, and we know the twisted
motivations that make him choose these tactics.
Aside from Apocalypse Now,
Coppola didn’t do much else right, but boy did he nail this one.
Best Line: “Today I settle all family business.” – The Godfather
“I know it was you Fredo, and it broke
my heart.” – The Godfather Part II
“Just when
I thought I was out, they pull me back in.” – The Godfather Part III
(Honorable Mention: “My father
taught me many things in this room. He taught me that you keep your friends
close. And keep your enemies closer.”)
Drawback: The wet fart of a turd that the third film was.
Honorable Mentions:
Mike Lowry – Bad Boys
– 1995 – Will Smith
Michael Collins – Michael
Collins – 1996 – Liam Neeson
Michael Cheritto – Heat
– 1995 – Tom Sizemore
Michael Meyers – Halloween
– 1978 – Tony Moran
Dishonorable Mention:
Michael – Michael
– 1996 – John Travolta
(What a piece of crap this thing was!)
I suppose
it would be unfair of me to not include a nod to the man that inspired this
article, so once again…
Thank you Michael
Jordan, I still wanna ‘Be Like Mike’.
This one’s
for you Eric
- Brando
What, no Mike Wazowski??
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