They say that imitation is the highest form of flattery, and
if so, I’d like to take this moment to say thank you to the legion of internet
nerds out there that have read one of the articles on this website and said,
“Hell, if Kyle and Brandon can do it, it can’t be that hard!” and then excreted
their own contribution to mediocrity onto the interwebs. In all honesty, when Kyle and I began writing
and recording material for this website, I believe our loftiest goal was to grow
our fan base past our moms, and I can safely say we’re within striking distance
of this goal!
But speaking of imitation, in movies there exist its close
cousin, that some folks cleverly call homage (pronounced “o-maj” if you’re in a
Michael Bay
Every casual movie fan knows that Batman’s parents were
murdered in front of him and it spawned him to be the hero he became. But the homage comes in when Tim Burton focuses
on Martha Wayne’s pearls being both the object of the mugger’s attention and
the item that Bruce focuses on most when he remembered that night. This is because in the comic books, the
pearls are the most visual reminder of what happened and it’s what almost every
artist rendition uses to instantly reference back to that night (they do this
as well in the new Fox show Gotham ). And
tragic though it was for the lad, without that night’s events, there would
never have been a Batman (and that is the saddest sentence I’ve ever written).
“The needs
of the many outweigh the needs of the few, kid.”
Homage is a wonderful tool in the filmmaker’s box, and I’m
all for it, when its used correctly. But
I have noticed an entirely new animal all together that has emerged in recent
years, and frankly dear readers, it’s got me pretty hopping mad. Faced with the demands to invent their own
characters, many screenwriters simply repurpose known archetypes and drop them
into familiar backgrounds.
“But wait Brando,” you say, thinking that you’re going to
drop some knowledge on me, “you and Kyle talk about this in one of your
podcasts, and how there is going to be natural overlap because of the limited
number of stories and character arcs.”
This is true; however it is not that issue that I’m referring to. And don’t ever interrupt me again.
What I’m referring to is this new trend where films take
familiar character types, drop them into familiar scenarios, and then when that
setup all but taxes their creativity and they need to create an emotion, they
have their characters watch a movie that is famous for eliciting the very same
emotion they need to convey. What’s
worse, in some of them, they have their characters watch the actual movie
that they are creating the homage to.
Editors’ Note: We were
pretty sure Brando had gotten nine kinds of drunk before writing this article
(and to be fair, he probably did) but we’ve checked his research. The nonsense he’s about to clue you in on is
actually happening out there. Also, it
hasn’t escaped our attention that this article is a tad on the mean spirited
side, but the thing is, Brando fancies himself as a bit of a writer and as such
this issue really gets under his skin.
Here are my Top Five Offenders.
Hitch – released
in 2005
Please
don’t show this photo of me at my funeral.
Released on Valentine’s Day as Will Smith’s Charisma Meets Kevin James’ Willingness To Be The Butt Of
The Joke, this film succeeded in convincing many hapless romantics that
they were a mere three dates away from finding relationship bliss with the
object of their affection. Let’s forgo for a moment that some of the basic plot
elements of the film include that Smith’s Hitch, a professional Date Doctor, is
basically Facebook stalking and Googling women to help some rather obsessed men
learn how to create a false emotional connection so they can get these unsuspecting
women into bed (not as charming on Dateline); not to mention the reason that
Eva Mendez’s Sara is unable to let her guard down and be emotionally vulnerable
with anyone is because her sister almost died in an ice skating accident twenty
years ago (didn’t make that one up); or as my personal favorite, that other
than the fact that she’s incredibly good looking and filthy rich, Kevin James’
Albert never really explains why he’s so smitten with Allegra Cole (the
character’s actual name). In fact, it’s
best if you just skip right to the end and just focus on the awesome dancing of
the final wedding scene (Hey Shane!).
But even though the film has some issues, I’ve seen some do
more with less, so in giving the benefit of the doubt, I watched it. And couldn’t believe my eyes when Sara, after
letting Hitch in and then getting heart broken after finding out that he was a
Date Doctor (there’s a subplot with her friend and she’s a gossip columnist… to
be honest, anytime Kevin James and Will Smith aren’t goofing around on screen
this movie really didn’t know what it wanted to be), she sits on the couch
eating whipped cream, and cries to the finale of Jerry MaGuire with Tom Cruise on screen emoting the famous line,
“You complete me.”
WHAT?!?
You can’t do that!
I’ve watched an hour and half of your movie, and you’re going to mail in
the emotional scene by flashing a beloved film on screen and let its emotional
moment carry your train wreck? That is a
studio literally saying, “Hey audience, how good was Jerry MaGuire? Right?!?
Well, we couldn’t write anything like that, so we’re literally going to
show you that scene. Thanks for your
money!” I thought at that moment I had seen the worst I would ever see of this
kind of shenanigans. I was wrong.
The Perfect Score –
released in 2004.
Comic book
films? Yeah, right!
Sporting a cast of soon to be movie stars and a couple of
“what ever happened to them” type actors, this film almost escaped from my
ire. Released as a simple teen
flick/heist movie, it obviously doesn’t take itself too seriously, and I
suppose it didn’t expect anyone else to as well. And while that should be all well and good,
this thing still had a writer, and a director, and I’m guessing there wasn’t a
day on set when they said, “Eh, who cares?
No one is gonna really follow the story, right?”
So trying to play along, I dispended belief and watched as
this ragtag group of misfits (it’s a Diet Breakfast Club cast) get ready to
break in and steal the answers to the SATs.
Oddly enough, the film never explains how they would be able to use
these answers they are planning on stealing to any sort of advantage. I mean, were they going to memorize them, or maybe
even make tiny crib sheets? They don’t
really say. Hmmm, maybe they really
didn’t think anyone was going to follow the story. In any event, as the team spends the evening
before the heist preparing themselves for what they are about to do, some of
them think long and hard about the morality of their decision and others just
pout with their lips (Kids, believe it or not, but there was a time Scarlett
Johansson didn’t just show up and kick every ass on screen. I know, they also made an American Idol Movie, it was rough time
for everyone).
But the kid that pissed me right off was the one that
watched the Bank Heist Scene from the crime masterpiece Heat. Any fan of
SpoilerAlert Podcast knows how I feel about that movie and the idea that this
piece of crap-on-film would soil that film’s epic moments and flash them around
just to give their nerd character some cool points, well it was enough to make
me actively root for their plot to fail.
Yep, I literally watched the rest of the movie rooting for the
hilariously inept guards and hoping for our protagonists to slip up and get
caught.
Boiler Room –
released in 2000
And to
think, this used to be one of my ‘better’ roles!
Once in a while, a film comes along and totally encapsulates
the times that it is released in. Even
rarer, sometimes a film not only comments on the era it is representing, it
also helps to shape the very times that it is based upon. And in the 1980’s, that film was Wall Street (I’m also going plug Top Gun as well for this decade). Oliver Stone’s masterpiece about unchecked
greed and the perils of easy wealth not only held a mirror up to the 80’s
obsession with fortune and style, it succeeded in influencing it. In fact, on the set of Wall Street 2: Money Never Sleeps Michael Douglas couldn’t believe
how many people came up to him and told him that they had gone into finance
because they wanted to be Gordon Gekko.
So imbedded into the national consciousness did this character get, that
all of the sudden the entire financial district started slicking back their
hair and quoting Sun Tzu.
So when the next generation came along to make a film about
this same subject matter a mere thirteen years later, it became moderately
uncomfortable as the first act started wrapping up and suddenly there was this
giant elephant in the room as Giovanni Ribisi and company went through their
paces and we all started looking at each other and thinking, “uh, they know
they’re just doing Wall Street, right?”
Yep, they do!
And in case there could be ANY doubt left as to whether or
not what they were trying to do, about an hour into the movie Ribisi’s Seth
goes over to Ben Affleck’s house to hang out with his new work buddies and
finds them all sitting in the living room watching the scene where Douglas’
iconic Gordon Gekko is introduced. Not
only that, but both Affleck and Vin Diesel take turns quoting along with Douglas ’ dialogue in an effort to prove who the true
yuppie is. I’ll write it again, they not
only show a clip of Wall Street, they
have their characters quote the film on screen.
Subtle as a chainsaw.
Sleepless in Seattle
What’s my
favorite scary movie? Who is this?
Tom Hanks, leading contender for the titles of Greatest
Living Actor and Nicest Freaking Guy in the World, once lived a life where not
every movie he made was certain to be a bona-fide hit. I’ve mentioned before how my favorite comedic
performance of his is as Jimmy Doogan in A
League of Their Own, but often lost in catalog of his entire work is this
little film that snuck out of Hollywood and into seemingly everyone’s
heart. Not only did it have Hanks doing
his patented nice guy routine to a tee, it also boasted Meg Ryan while she was
still riding high with the title of America’s Sweetheart (and shut up about
Julia Roberts, internet! Am I the only one that remembers Mary Reilly?!?).
So warm and comforting is this film that its easy to just
let it wash over you as the second film in the ‘Meg and Tom’ Trilogy (Joe vs the Volcano and You’ve Got Mail), and enjoy the budding
romance, and great locations of this thing.
I’m pretty sure that even if the Empire State
Building
And then they watch An
Affair to Remember, and it dawns on you, that this movie is a freaking
re-make of that one, and that is just wrong!
This one is especially egregious to me, because they really,
really didn’t have to drop that into the film.
They could have picked so many other films and had the exact same emotional
connection to any of them, but by picking that one, director Nora Ephron is
basically winking at the audience and saying, “see what we did there?” It
totally takes me out of the film and makes me draw the line in the sand for
this one.
The Family –
released in 2013
This shot
is the most you will ever care about these characters.
And here it is the number one, worst offender of the Brando
universe for plagiarizing of subject matter.
I know this article has been fun and we’ve had some laughs, but let me
get serious for one second here:
This film is awful.
It has absolutely no idea what it wants to be; it is
shockingly brutal and depressing for a comedy, quite dull for an action flick,
and way too zany to be taken seriously as a serious drama. It’s as though there were three or four
different scripts about a family in Witness Protection and they went into an
office, threw them all up in the air, and then gathered up one hundred and
eleven random pages and just started shooting. Our main plot point of DeNiro
writing his memoirs to the chagrin of Tommy Lee Jones as his federal handler
ends up being completely unnecessary, and after a certain point they simply leave
it and never come back. The kids’
subplots about love and toughness play out in horribly over the top ways ending
in both of them either wanting to commit suicide or run away, and I don’t even
know what the hell Michelle Pfeiffer was doing the whole time (is there no part
for this woman that she doesn’t have to play either emotional wreck or an ice
queen?).
So, it’s easy to imagine after about an hour into this film
that my attention was starting to drift when all of a sudden, they mention that
DeNiro’s character, who is posing as an author the whole time, is invited to an
evening of reviewing an American film (the family is hiding in France ). Now, that in and of itself shouldn’t be that
big of a tip off, but the guy that invites him has already made references to
his fascination with American crime films, most notably mob movies. Can anyone see where I’m going with this?
DeNiro and Jones go to the event, and all of the sudden the
host proclaims that they couldn’t find a copy of the film they were going to
watch, but they don’t need to because DeNiro’s character can tell them
everything they need to know about American mob movies. And just in case he needs help, they have a
copy of a rather famous one.
At this point of viewing this train wreck, I was swigging
light beer as fast as I could to block out what my mind was processing, but I
almost spit it out at the exact moment Kyle said, “no f*@#&%g way!” and
they proceeded to have DeNiro on screen discussing Goodfellas!
Why is this our worst offender? Because I freaking said so!
And because DeNiro as a gangster is an homage (I’m bringing
it all full circle), but DeNiro as a gangster discussing one of the most famous
gangster films of all time on screen which happens to star DeNiro is Luc Besson
realizing that he has to wrap the film in a week, so we better just film…
something.
So bad is this moment that you expect him to look at the
camera and wink and say something witty about how they all just suckered us
shmucks in the audience. But no, he
keeps playing the scene straight and you realize that it’s DeNiro himself who
may not be in on the joke. What’s worse
is that this scene has nothing to do with the plot. It’s simply a maguffin to allow him
separation from the rest of the characters to set up the bullet filled
finale. That is an awfully big offense
for absolutely no gain.
So there they are my top five offenders. Again, I’m not sure
if what these films are doing is out and out plagiarism, I just know it isn’t
right. Please feel free to comment on
any that I’ve missed, or defend any of the ones that I’ve attacked that you
love.
For SpoilerAlert Podcast, remember to always be yourself,
because nothing beats an original!
- Brando
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