Star Trek Into Lists - Kyle Rates the Star Trek Movies

Star Wars or Star Trek? It’s the eternal geek debate, and if you’re worth your salt in either midichlorians or dilithium crystals you know which side you fall on. If that last sentence made little to no sense to you, then congratulations on all of your success in high school. In the great beyond of geek culture though, it’s well known that your allegiances have to lie with one or the other. Sure, if you’re a wampa-riding nerf herder, you might think Wrath of Khan is cool, and conversely, it would take the cold heart of a Romulan not to get a charge during Empire Strikes Back, but because this is the internet, lines in the sand must be drawn and you HAVE to have a favorite franchise.

Maybe it’s because I’ve always been inclined to root for the underdog, but since I was 10 or so I’ve been a Star Trek man. The Star Wars trilogy is a lot of fun, but nothing gets me excited like seeing the Enterprise gliding through space at Warp 6 with either Captains Kirk or Picard at the helm (don’t get me started on that debate…okay…Picard). I can’t go toe-to-toe with the die hards, having seen many of the original series episodes but never memorizing them, and I have to admit, I never got around to watching the last few seasons of Deep Space Nine, but I do thoroughly enjoy the Star Trek cinematic universe despite its many, MANY flaws.

Pictured: Flaw

I guess it speaks to the optimism you find in your general Star Trek fan. We love the movies, in spite of themselves. There’s cheap effects, bad acting, questionable story elements, and Doc Brown dressed as a Klingon, but the fans are able to see past all of this mess to enjoy the real movie below--the epic masterpiece that never made it to the screen, but whose seed is buried deep inside some of the Federation’s worst offenders (I’m looking at you Final Frontier). With that in mind, and with the announcement of a new Star Trek digital series planned for 2017, I think I’ll celebrate my favorite franchise by boldly going where many on the internet have gone before and rate all 12 Star Trek movies individually on a scale of 0 to 5.

Engage!

1. Star Trek: The Motion Picture (1979)

The movie that launched a multi-billion dollar cinematic franchise almost wasn’t a movie at all. In fact, in the mid-70's Paramount Studios was planning on revitalizing the Star Trek brand with a new TV show called Star Trek: Phase II, but with movie-going audiences’ acceptance of big budget sci-fi blockbusters like Star Wars and Close Encounters of the Third Kind the TV project was quickly scrapped in favor of giving the Enterprise crew a shot at the big screen. Heavy on story, ideas, and effects but woefully light on action, The Motion Picture makes for one of the more interesting Star Trek movies but also the slowest and, dare I say, most boring. 

Not that there's anything boring about Bones' sweet beard.

The reworked Phase II pilot script embraces thoughtful 70’s science fiction without really appealing to anyone outside of the show’s built-in audience. Still, for a fan, this is a beautiful movie that continues the wide-eyed exploration attitude of the show and serves as a great jumping off point for the Enterprise and her crew.

For the Enterprise’s introductory money shot alone, I give it 3.5 Drunken Scotty’s.

2. Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan (1982)

Coming out with the big guns early, the Star Trek team followed up 1979’s G-rated tranquilizer dart with an action-packed blockbuster. The second installment brought back a storyline from the original series and showed Captain Kirk and his crew could still kick a little space ass while ruminating on their own mortality and pondering if there’s room for a crew of quinquagenarians in the Federation. So much happens in this stellar movie--Kirk finds out he has a son, we learn Khan’s been alive the whole time and has fantastic pectoral muscles, Kirstie Alley wears prosthetic ears, and, oh yeah, Spock freaking dies! 

Don't cry. Don't cry. Don't cry.

If you’re looking for a first class science fiction/action film that doesn’t skimp on either the heart or scene chewing villain, look no further than Wrath of Khan. It may be the second film, but for the Star Trek newbie it should be your starting point into the series. Hopefully Wrath of Khan will be able to build up enough goodwill to get you through some pretty low spots coming up on the horizon.

Hands down the best of the series; this one gets 5 Khan chests.

3. Star Trek III: The Search for Spock (1984)

Unable to handle Ricardo Montalban’s scene-hogging in their last outing, Spock is now dead, which is a bad thing for Paramount because it turns out he’s one of the most popular characters in the series. The studio bigwigs put their heads together and thought, if we’re going to keep churning these things out it’s time for some serious backpedaling. With Nimoy now in the director’s chair (part of his deal to reprise the iconic role of Spock) part 3 works to continue the events of Wrath of Khan while leading to the second biggest death of the series. No, not Kirk’s son David (he didn't even get to wear a red shirt)…I’m talking about the destruction of the beloved Enterprise at the end. With the later Next Generation crew ditching and destroying their ship as often as possible, it’s hard to imagine what a big deal this probably was when initially seen on screen. 

On The Next Generation set, we call this a Tuesday.

Along with possibly the worst fight scene of the series (between perennial action hunks Christopher Lloyd and a mid-50s Shatner) Search for Spock is more concerned with finding a convoluted way to bring the pointy-eared Vulcan back from the dead than actually entertaining the audience. David deserved better.

Or maybe this is exactly what he deserved. I've never been a fan.

A sharp drop-off from Khan, Search for Spock only gets 2 Klingon Doc Browns.

4. Star Trek VI: The Voyage Home (1986)

Following the hot mess of Star Trek III, second time director Nimoy shows a surer hand and simplifies things while introducing a little time travel to the Star Trek cinematic universe. Embracing the eco-friendly message of the mid 80’s, Captain Kirk and his team also save Paramount Studios a fortune on set construction and travel back to 1986 looking for a pair of humpback whales. 

Space, the final frontier.

It turns out that in the future humpback whales are extinct, and as luck would have it, are humanity’s only hope for survival against a giant shrieking space probe looking for a quick chat with the marine mammals. Relying more on comedy than any other entry to the franchise, The Voyage Home brings the Star Trek series back on track with its message of ecology and humanity. Plus, the mom from Seventh Heaven's in it, playing marine biologist, Dr. Scientist.

Ditching spaceship battles and adding fish-out-of-water laughs, this movie gets 4 humpback whales.

5. Star Trek V: The Final Frontier (1989)

With Nimoy exiting directorial duties and William Shatner stepping in, Star Trek V represents a new low for the promising franchise, combining the one-two punch of a terrible story idea with some truly awful effects. Yup, this is the one where Kirk meets God, only it’s not really God, and we get to meet Spock’s brother, who just got out of the shower or something (there's a lot of bath robe-wearing in Final Frontier).

You guys are out of shampoo.

I’m not sure what all is going on in this disaster, but I do know that 57-year-old Uhura does a fan dance and the boys sing Row, Row, Row Your Boat around a campfire. I’d tell you to skip this one, but for sheer ineptness it’s almost worth a watch.

Go climb a rock instead; Final Frontier only gets 1 space marshmallow.

6. Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country (1991)

We’ve finally reached Kyle’s jumping off point into the Star Trek universe with 1991’s Undiscovered Country. At the tender age of 9 I was introduced to these 60-year-old space explorers and a heavily mustachioed Red Forman.

Dumbass

Shooting for a darker tone than the films before it, Star Trek VI looked to wipe audience’s minds of the events in the previous movie and show the last real adventure of the Federation’s favorite crew. The plot mirrored current events, the Berlin wall had fallen and America was beginning a tentative relationship with the former Soviet Union, so Kirk’s prejudices were revisited as he was forced to work with the crumbling Klingon Empire. What this means for fans is a zero gravity space fight featuring Pepto Bismol blood bubbles and Shatner finally getting to fight his only true equal, himself. There’s a lot of ham-fisted dialog and too much Shakespeare-quoting in this movie but an engaging mystery in the middle section of the film and a cast that’s obviously having a lot of fun lifts Undiscovered Country into enjoyable movie status. To this day my first Star Trek film remains one of my favorites.

Klingon lava lamp blood and Iman help earn this movie 4 Captain Sulus.

7. Star Trek Generations (1994)

Out with the old and in with the new, kind of…as the series attempts to make the transition from Original Series to Next Generation cast in a movie that almost works. I know that Generations is not a great film, but it’s always had a soft spot in my heart. This is the movie that had the audacity to kill Kirk not once, but twice and introduce the new Enterprise-D on film to promptly destroy it (in a genuinely exciting action sequence). The “ask questions first, shoot phasers later” tone of Star Trek: The Next Generation follows the cast of the future into their first feature film, as Captain Picard is sucked into an energy ribbon, or “plot device”, and is able to fulfill the dream (if not the /fic) of every Trekker and team up with the girdle-wearing grandpa, Captain Kirk. 

Time to break out my action toupee.

What should have been an exciting contrast of methodologies ultimately amounts to three senior citizens, including a confused Malcolm McDowell, climbing around rocks in the California desert. If anything Generations gives us a few fun moments and a thrilling action set-piece as the Enterprise crash-lands on an forested planet. The less said about Data’s emotion chip, the better.

A step down from Star Trek TNG’s TV show, Generations only earns 3 Captain Alan Rucks.

8. Star Trek: First Contact (1996)

In a film worthy of my favorite iteration of the Star Trek universe, the Next Generation crew gets their first stand-one movie and the chance to battle the terrifying Borg. Time travel is center stage in the eight installment of the now 17-year-old franchise when the crew of the Enterprise must travel back to mid-21^st century America to stop the Borg from preventing humanity’s first contact with an alien race and assimilating all of earth. What this really works out to is the chance for Patrick Stewart to shine as Captain Jean Luc Picard and bring back a storyline from the television show, exploring Picard’s time assimilated by the Borg. 

There's also a Tommy gun fight for some reason.

I would say it’s no coincidence that the two most successful movies in the Star Trek canon are those revisiting ideas initiated on television and diving deeper into them on the big screen. Both Picard and Data both have to consider what it is to be human as the Borg look to strip Picard and his crew of their humanity while granting Data his. In other words, it’s how Star Trek functions when it’s at its best, an action-packed ride through the cosmos mixed with deeply emotional storytelling.

Forget dancing James Cromwell at the end; First Contact earns 4.5 Tommy gun-wielding Picards.

9. Star Trek: Insurrection (1998)

Well, that ended quickly. The Next Generation crew was off to a great start with First Contact, but follows it up with cheap-looking slog that comes off more as a discarded script from the television series. While reaching for Gene Roddenberry’s idea of exploration this movie falls flat with terrible special effects, vaguely magical aliens, and F. Murray Abraham dressed as a scrotum.

This should probably be blurred out.

The plot revolves around the discovery of a secret plot by the now evil Federation (?) to relocate a magic alien race to help save a gross-looking alien race (that it turns out is actually the same alien race). While there are good moments anchored by an always superb Stewart, who gets to wear a sweet leather jacket, Insurrection just makes me want to watch one of the many better television episodes.

Wholly forgettable, the ninth in the series only gets 2.5 singing Datas.

10. Star Trek: Nemesis (2002)

Universally hated, I have more love in my heart than most for the Star Trek movie that almost killed the entire series. A young Tom Hardy shows up as a clone of Captain Picard bent on destroying the Federation.

Trust me, kid. Comic book movies are the way to go.

Listen, I get it, there’s a lot bad in this movie but I’ve always enjoyed the genuinely excellent performance by Stewart in his last run as Captain of the Enterprise. Data is given more to do this time, besides goofy comedy involving his emotion chip, as he also confronts a mirror of himself in the android B4. All-in-all bad dialog wins the day, as well as some sub-standard special effects. Even though the critical and commercial failure of Nemesis killed the Star Trek franchise as we know it, there are some enjoyable action sequences, including an inspired use of the Enterprise as a battering ram (destroyed it again!). I wish they could have gone out on a stronger note, but at least Data got to sing a few bars of “Blue Skies”.

Not the train wreck everyone would have you believe, I give Nemesis 3 trombone-playing Rikers.

11. Star Trek (2009)

After the Next Generation crew proved to be box office poison and the original series cast proved to be dying off, the Star Trek franchise was primed for a big budget reboot seven years later with a new group of sexy young cadets. 

Pictured: Nerds

Paramount did not disappoint when they gave the helm of the newly designed Enterprise to burgeoning nerd-god JJ Abrams. Despite hiring the same writers who penning the Shakespearean classics Transformers and Transformers 2, the new film took the creative path of a soft reboot of the franchise, using original cast member Nimoy to kick off a series of events leading to an altered timeline. Like a good comic book, 40 years of continuity was wiped clean and Abrams was free to play in the Trekker sandbox. What he did with it was a make a polished and exciting, if not all-together Star Trek-like, movie. The reboot is incredibly watchable, with a fine lead performance by Chris Pine as the young Captain Kirk, but falls apart if you think too much about the altered timeline and series of events that bring the old crew together again. Much of this movie gets things absolutely correct for a fan, but it shows cracks and signs of bad times on the horizon.

Refreshed and rebooted, the alternate timeline gets 4 unnecessary lens flares.

12. Star Trek into Darkness (2013)

My fears proved to be real in the final (to date) Star Trek movie. Conceived as a dumb-actioner instead of a sci-fi epic, Star Trek into Darkness tries too hard to cash in the goodwill of previous movies to draw in the audience. More video game than movie, the writers and director throw everything thing at the screen, hoping bigger is better. When a rogue Starfleet agent threatens the entire Federation Kirk must once again lead the Enterprise on a mission to save humanity (why is the Federation evil again??). What transpires is a clumsy attempt to shoehorn Khan into the new continuity while flipping the Spock/Kirk death scene climax of Wrath of Khan on its head. Luckily, in a "surprise" move, Kirk’s alive again by the time the credits roll, so no one will have to call Christopher Lloyd to see if he’s available for Star Trek XIII: The Search for Kirk. 

MARTY!!!!!!!

It’s obvious the writers were more interested in explosions than Star Trek and that Abrams' eyes were never really on the prize, turning his run on Star Trek into a successful bid for the directing job on the new Star Wars movie. We can only hope that the upcoming Star Trek Beyond, written by Simon Pegg, can right the ship again.

Too much action and a video game premise earn Into Darkness 2.5 inappropriate underwear shots.

The Star Trek movies have come a long way since 1979 but with the December release of a new Star Wars movie will undoubtedly be pushed to the side again. For us real fans though, we don’t mind. We’ve still got our VHS copies of the original films to keep us company. Remember those…? With the spines that formed an image of the Enterprise when you lined them all up? Just me?

Oh well, I thought it was cool.