The 2013 Brando Awards

The Academy Awards, or the Oscars as they’re known by some, is a time honored tradition in the world of cinema, dating back to 1929 and known throughout the world for not only the incredible drama of the night; but also the pomp and circumstance that goes along with them, including all of the fashion and the red carpet politics.  This one special night exists so that by the end of the evening, the best of the best of that year in film can be properly honored and the most deserving nominee rightfully takes home the statuette.

Yeah, we’re done being serious about this.

There is so much wrong with the Academy Awards that I could fill another entire article with the problems that beset them (and I might, so please feel free to give me your thoughts in the comment section, and I’ll then pass them off as my own), but let’s face it; despite how ridiculously subjective this awards show can be, it’s still the gold standard for cinema, even though we all know that the Academy sometimes gives out these things for all the wrong reasons.  Here’s a quick list of faulty justifications: “The Academy owes it to the actor” (Paul Newman - “The Color of Money”), “No one will expect this pick, and it will show that we’re not predictable” (Marisa Tomei – “My Cousin Vinny”), “We shafted them last year, so we should  give them one this year” (Renee Zellweger – “Cold Mountain”), “It’s a historic win” (Halle Berry – “Monster’s Ball”), and so on.

And even though all these reasons and more permeate the Academy Awards, you’ll never see a trailer with an Academy Award winner in it that fails to mention that fact.  And why is that?  Because we still value the moniker “Academy Award Winner” as it offers us a quick Cliffs Notes version of what was the best of that year in cinema.  We love Oscar winners, even to the extent that it can make or break a film for us.  In fact, we love them so much that an actor can literally rewrite their contract once they’ve won one (Jamie Foxx - “Ray”).

So, with the Academy Awards coming up this Sunday, I am secure in the knowledge that the Academy has most of the important topics covered in the world of film.  Is it just me or is Ben Affleck not set up to have the easiest night of all? He doesn’t have to worry about whether or not he’ll win, and he can cruise every after-party saying the exact same thing, “Yeah, I don’t know why I wasn’t nominated either, crazy huh?” Plus he can be secure in the knowledge that in less than five years, he will win a Best Director award (although an argument can be made that he’s headed that way all on his own). But as I gear up for yet another Oscars, I can’t help but feel that there is a category or two that the Academy is not giving its full attention to.  Sure, they’ve got things like Best Costume Design and Best Score under control, but that doesn’t cover the entire spectrum of film, my friends.  So, I guess it’s up to me to take up the slack!

So here they are, The 2013 Brando Awards: 

(Say it with me, just once, “And the Brando goes to…”)

BEST TRAILER: “Man of Steel” (Second Trailer)

In what should be a legitimate category for the Academy by any measure, this trailer hits every note perfect and is so good that it went viral and took the world by storm.  And why not love it?  Perhaps it spends a little too much time being vague and somber for a comic book movie, but Superman is a broad character and he deserves that kind of treatment.  My favorite moment is the exchange between a young Clark and his dad Jonathan Kent (Kevin Costner) where the child asks the father if he should let innocent people die just to conceal his identity, to which Jonathan responds, “Maybe…” This highlights my favorite point about Superman, that there is nothing that requires him to do the things that he does, he just simply does them.  Superman could literally make planet Earth bow down to him within twenty minutes if he put his mind to it, and instead he chooses to help out.  Way to take it there, Zack Snyder.

BEST LOCATION SCOUT: “Savages”

      

Oliver Stone’s drug-laden crime opus had a lot of potential, and unfortunately it only capitalized on a small portion of it.  The book the film was based upon was a hard hitting tale of crime and bloodshed in the vein of Elmore Leonard; however, Stone had to reduce some of the more compelling plot points for on screen cohesiveness and the resulting story was a little bit lacking.  But while the film itself creaks like a rusty gate in some places (someone seriously needs to re-watch the dailies of Taylor Kitsch’s “acting”), nothing can be taken away from the gorgeous scenery that fills the back ground of shot after shot of this film.  Done on location almost entirely in Newport Beach, it’s a shame that these morons don’t realize how great they have it living a life against such a wonderful backdrop.

BEST HOT CHICK GETTING SEXED UP FOR NO REASON: Berenice Marlohe – “Skyfall”

Bond is known for certain things: he kills ruthlessly, he drinks excessively, and he beds anything with a pulse.  However, and I don’t normally like to ask these types of questions about a James Bond film, why is this girl in this film at all?  Bond meets her at the high priced casino (right before he fights a CGI komodo dragon, really Sam Mendes?), and in moments he deduces that a) she is the only one that can take him to the bad guy and b) she’s desperate for help and in way over her head. So he does what Bond does best, whips everyone’s ass and then hops on her boat for a free ride to the bad guy’s private island.  In route, Bond interrupts her shower so they can have a perfectly natural silhouetted sex scene only so she can be killed off in less than ten minutes of screen time in order to prove that the bad guy is like, really, really bad.  We don’t have to feel too bad about her not making it to the closing credits alive however, because she was never really developed as anything other than a hot mess.  I know it’s a Bond film and they’ve got to push that PG-13 rating as far as it can go, but this chick was getting sexed up for no reason.

BEST FLASHBACK CASTING: Josh Pence as Young Ra’s Al Ghul – “The Dark Knight Rises”

There’s such a small market for correct flashback casting, however it’s such a double edged sword.   When it’s executed correctly, it can completely draw in the audience and add validity to the plot; but when it goes bad, it becomes laughable.  That’s why this one scene in The Dark Knight Rises stands out so much, because they completely made this guy look like a young Liam Neeson (granted that weird Ra’s goatee does a lot of the heavy lifting).  He’s only on screen for a total of two and a half minutes, but it completely ties the new back-story that the film is throwing at you to the old character that you’ve known about for over six years, and it does it all with a simple casting choice. 

BEST MUSTACHE: Scoot McNairy – “Argo”

Every period picture has to alter the fabric of the set to make it seem as though the story is unfolding in the time that it is placed in.  To that end, great pains are taken to make sure that the set is overloaded with objects and clothing that facilitate this (see the IMDB notes on “Titanic”).  However, once in a great while, one specific prop outshines everything else and tumbles the viewer back through time almost effortlessly.  And for this film, Scoot McNairy’s mustache is that prop.  I’m not even sure if it was synthetic or the actor’s own stock, all I know is by the image of his lip whiskers alone I believed it was 1979 and that smoking was a perfectly legitimate and healthy way to spend one’s time. That’s a film executing a period piece perfectly.

BEST CAMEO: The Cast of Street Fighter – “Wreck-It-Ralph”

The premise of this film is incredibly endearing, that our favorite video game characters all have feelings and can get burnt out like we all do from time to time.  The moment that made it for me (even though it was over played in the trailer) was when the guys from the video game Street Fighter show up to lament their lives in Ralph’s group therapy session.  If I have one question, it’s this: why is Zangief a bad guy? When that game debuted he was a playable character, and now all of the sudden he’s rubbing shoulders with M. Bison? No sir!  I mean, I’m as much of a fan of unchecked American swagger as the next guy (check out “Top Gun” now available on Blu-ray!), but I really think the Russian character might be getting the shaft on this one.

BEST RE-CASTING: Ralph Feinnes and Judi Dench as M – “Skyfall”

For most Bond fans of my generation, “GoldenEye” was probably the first Bond film that we saw in the theater, and therefore Pierce Brosnan was our first personal James Bond.  Little did we know the long and storied the legacy that Brosnan was inheriting, or how much of a difficult leap of faith it is to re-cast that role (we got to experience it back in October of 2005, when some dude named Craig took over).  But Brosnan wasn’t the only new face to join the mythos of Bond in that film, Dame Judi Dench made her debut as M as well.  And while some Bond purist decried this casting choice as pure affirmative action (a topic the 90’s Bond had some fun with), Dench’s M showed up immediately as Bond’s superior but also a sometimes mother figure (a trait that Craig’s Bond has embraced whole-heartedly). And through dismal sequel after dismal sequel, Brosnan and Dench had to keep their composure and play off one another again and again.  Once Daniel Craig took over the role of Bond, M became not only the unrivaled leader of MI-6, but also the anchor that the fans could latch on to during the transfer period between the actors, particularly throughout the first act of “Casino Royale”. 

Now that we’re three films into Craig’s tenure as Bond and he’s coming into the character full stride, the hands of time are catching up with everyone and it’s become apparent that Bond’s supporting cast needs to change as well.  With Dench departing from the role we all know and love, the producers wisely brought in a known actor to replace her, and gave him an entire film to establish himself in the universe.  Chucking his Harry Potter robes on the way in, Ralph Fiennes’ Gareth Mallory spends most of the first half of the film being a royal pain in the ass, completely unconnected from what it is that MI-6 does all day long.  Once the chips fall in M’s interrogation however, Fiennes jumps into the role, grabs himself a gun, and joins the side of the angels.  By the time Dench’s M passes away (in a fitting send off scene), Fiennes is ready to take her place in James Bond’s lore as the new M.  Well done, Mendes (sorry about that crack about the Komodo dragon).

So there they are the 2013 Brando Awards, covering the topics in film from the past year that really matter to you! 

Okay, I feel like I cheated you a little, and seeing as how the Oscars where in my opening, it would be mean of me not to throw in a few Oscar related comments at the end.  I’m not going to do predictions, I don’t decide that until the night of the awards themselves; but I will give you my picks for the best of all time in the major categories (and some of mine didn’t win on their Oscar night). 

BEST SCREENPLAY:  “Pulp Fiction”

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS: Frances McDormand – “Mississippi Burning”

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR: Ed Harris – “Apollo 13”

BEST ACTRESS: Jodie Foster – “The Silence of the Lambs”

BEST ACTOR: Al Pacino – “The Godfather: Part II”

BEST DIRECTOR: James Cameron – “Avatar”

BEST PICTURE: “Schindler’s List”

I’m guessing (and hoping) that this portion of the article will generate the most responses in the comments section, and I’m happy to defend my picks to anyone who wants to hash it out.  Until then, from all of us here at SpoilerAlert Podcast, please do your best to safely enjoy the Academy Awards.

“And the Oscar goes to…”

The Five Ways Film Editing Lies To You

The old adage goes that a film gets made three times: once when its written, once when its shot, and once when its edited.  Is it just me or does this sound an awful lot like those ridiculous high school group projects where inevitably someone comes up with an idea, everyone else screws around all class, and then the one guy who cares about his grade comes in and fixes everything to be made presentable and respected?

Brownnoser

Editing is an incredibly complicated and hugely important part of the film making process.  For the three people in world who don’t know how films are made, numerous shots are filmed and then the editor puts it all together to look great.  That iconic shower scene in Psycho was an amalgamation of various takes just to get Janet Leigh’s eye absolutely perfect, and then it was edited down to the taunt thrilling sequence that we all know and love.  Anytime you hear someone say the phrase, “We’ll fix that in post,” they’re talking about the legacy of editing (or you’re on the set of Glee).

And even though editing has brought plenty to the table in the world of film, I can’t help but feel that its taking a little away as well. To be specific, editing is falsifying the already fictional world of movies and perpetrating a fraud on the American people! Just to be clear, I’m not knocking Lightstorm Entertainment for creating Pandora out of matte paintings and CGI, that’s special effects being used to create an artificial environment and further the plot (and make James Cameron even bigger crap-loads of money).  No, my beef lies more with the editing process continuing to screw with that last delicate fabric of trust the American moviegoer still has left in their heart.

So here they are, The Five Ways Film Editing Lies To You:

1) YOUR PUNCHES WILL SOUND LIKE ATOM BOMBS

Somewhere along the line, it was decided that real punching noises were a little too mundane for most audiences and instead of the normal sound of a fist hitting a face, we needed a sound effect that would shake the earth.  I would have loved to have been in that first meeting when the studio heads decided to start ratcheting movie punches up the Richter Scale, and that one old timer saw the dailies and thought, “what the hell is that noise every time these guys smack each other?“  Some movies don’t even use elaborated fist noises at all and are throwing all kinds of things into the mix to inject this sound with more and more energy.  In fact, when they filmed Raiders of the Lost Ark, the Foley artists would strike a pile of leather jackets with a baseball bat to simulate Indiana Jones’ punches.

           

“When I crack my knuckles, people flee.”

 The problem is that when thousands of unsuspecting viewers see this on film, it can be misleading when they start equating epic avalanche noises with a right cross instead of the dull quiet smack a proper punch makes (Herein lies my theory on why boxing is losing it’s popularity in almost every demographic.  I’m just saying, if every time Pacquiao hit someone my speakers blew from raw awesomeness, there would be no UFC)  Not only that, but this audacious fallacy of truth creates a gigantic hole in many viewers’ childhoods.  Suppose they get up the courage to haul back and roundhouse their older brother and it unfortunately sounds a lot more like dropping an apple onto a pillow and a lot less like the third trumpet of the Apocalypse that they had pinned their hopes to?  That not only shatters their unfounded trust in the world of film, but usually leads to a substantial beat down.  What’s worse is that the Indiana Jones films aren’t the only culprits here, in fact they’re hardly the worst offenders.  The top prize in this category easily goes to the mythical land of boxing films and the odyssey of Rocky Balboa (not counting Rocky 5, which I’m convinced was some sort of propaganda sent from an evil alien race trying to vanquish the human spirit) is probably the biggest bomb-punch offender out there.  In fact, in the finale of the third film, the trumpet blasts of the musical score are timed to coincide with Rocky’s punches as he chops down the evil that is Clubber Lane.

           

Musical Beat Down

I suppose that it is worth nothing that some recent films are trying to correct this trend by presenting fisticuffs in a more realistic way, most notably recent fighting sports movies (The Fighter and Warrior) or movies centered around gritty realism (Fight Club).  However, even with these examples, the over done punch is still one of editing’s favorite lies.

2) YOU CAN SEE ANYTHING IF YOU SQUINT HARD ENOUGH

It’s a movie staple to have that one scene in the film in which a character is completely out of luck, time, hope, whatever; and they look up and see that one thing that saves the day, illuminates the mystery, makes the hot chick fall in love, and so on.  This scene has been in done over and over again in movies for the last sixty years, and trust me when I say that it isn’t going anywhere any time soon.  And I’m okay with that.  I have no problem with this scene used as a plot device, as it is effective in building tension and almost always makes the payoff in the final act that much better.  I mean, can you imagine how bad The Usual Suspects would be if after Kevin Spacey finishes his story, Chazz Palminteri sees the “Quartet” sign on the bulletin board only to turn around and laughingly say, “That’s a good one Keyser, but seriously we’ve known who you are the whole time.”

Buhwhaaaat??

My issue with this scene is that sometimes when it is used to facilitate this plot device, the character is suddenly required to develop super-human vision just by squinting at whatever the hell the writer has them interested in.  Less than thirty minutes into Carlito’s Way (working title: It‘s Not Scarface, We Swear!), Pacino is able to thwart an ambush during a botched drug deal by seeing the upcoming attack in another gangster’s mirrored sunglasses.  Even with De Palma setting the scene with his usual pacing and grandeur, its still a little difficult to believe.  I’m just saying, give that one a try sometime; have your friend slap on a pair of Ray-Bans and look at you, and then see if you can recognize a freaking stop sign in the background let alone a gangland assassination attempt.  If you have no friends, and by definition no Ray-Bans, then try it in your studio apartment with a recently rinsed off spoon.  Pretty hard, right? And that’s with knowing what you’re looking for.  However, because the plot requires this from our lead character, he suddenly has hawk-like vision for those ten seconds.

My point is that the human eye simply doesn’t work that fast or that well, but in order to hold the audience’s hand and walk them through the film, the editing has to use a series of close ups to show what the character is going through.  And once again, when tried in the real world, this technique of squeezing your eyelids ever so slightly together in order to acquire super-human vision just doesn’t hold up.   It’s also a little frustrating  to realize every time I was inconvenienced by not being able to read the overpass signs on a freeway, that if only the story called for it and the editing was good enough, I would have been able to see the electrons flying around the atoms that make up my steering wheel.

3) ANYONE CAN BE ANYTHING, AT ANY TIME

I’ll never forget the first time I saw Forgetting Sarah Marshall and that moment arrived when Mila Kunis brushes off Jason Segel’s attempt to buy the next round saying, “You don’t need to dote on me, I’m not that kind of girl.”  All I could do was stare at the screen thinking, “Holy Crap, she is so… FICTITIOUS!!”

Unobtainium

Every girl likes to be doted on!  In fact, every human likes to be doted on.  Think back to the last time someone did something nice for you, just because you’re a good person or they are your friend (and if you can’t participate in this exercise, then you need to quit reading this article and get your life together).  You don’t think, “Well, thanks but I really didn’t ask for this.”  You think, “Wow! Sure I’m over thirty years old and writing silly internet articles, but you brought me a slushy? Well, its just coming up me today!”

But this is merely a plot device for a fictional character to behave in a fictional way in order to move the story along.  That’s simply the writer and actors doing their jobs, and rightfully using their tradecraft in proper ways.  What I’m referring to is when editing is used to make someone into something completely different than what they truly are. When Matt Damon wowed the world as an angst ridden genius named Will Hunting, everyone wondered if perhaps the film was a tad bit autobiographical, seeing how Damon and his character were the same age, had the same background, and behaved in probably similar ways. However, when he was cast as an amnesiac killing machine in the Bourne Identity, no one honestly thought that Damon could become a one man wrecking crew, simply because that’s not how we had seen him before.  However, add in a little fast editing and that one guy jumping out of the window to kill himself before being questioned, and suddenly everyone is leaving the theater talking about what a badass Matt Damon has become.  And sure, he trained for the film and probably gleaned some knowledge about how to move as a fighter in order to make the action look plausible.  But he didn’t walk off the set after the wrap party and immediately let his bodyguards go because they were no longer necessary.

 “I’ll take it from here, boys!”

The extremely fast editing in that film is what sells you on the concept that Damon could take on seven embassy marines and dispatch all of them in quick succession (that and the irrefutable movie logic that if you’re in a group fight and you strike any opponent on any part of their body, they are then vanquished and must spend the rest of the fight either unconscious or in agony).  The reason that this fallacy is a problem is that poor unsuspecting moviegoers are allowing themselves to get drawn into altercations with way too many opponents, usually on playgrounds, believing that if they move fast enough in their minds’ eye then they’ll triumph over the odds.  Emergency room reports indicate that this is simply not the case.

4) YOU CAN USE A MONTAGE IN REAL TIME

A montage is a perfectly acceptable film tool used to gloss over a period of time in order to condense a drawn out process into a two hour movie.  Mostly notably, it is a staple of almost every sports film used to illustrate the protagonist’s improvement, or in a heist film where it is used to show the team getting ready to pull off the big score.  However, it has been known to sneak into other genres as well, usually just to progress the timeline and get the characters to the point of the story they need to be at, as in The Breakfast Club.  As a lover of action films, I’m all for a good montage, as long as its done correctly.  For instance, the aforementioned Rocky films have one montage written into every script as a mandatory part of those films’ winning formula.

It ain’t broke, so we ain’t fixin’ it!

As any fan of the Eighties knows, a montage works if the improvement is believable and the music is awesome (actually only that second one has to be true).  We take it as a movie truth that with the right soundtrack, anyone can improve at anything and we don’t have to spend the months watching them do it.  However there is a new “montage” that is making its way into films that is a whole new animal, and quite frankly I don‘t care for it.  These new montage sequences are being shown in a variety of ways that make no sense and are interwoven with characters doing things in real time.  Case in point, in The Departed, there is a scene where Madolyn is jolted when she checks the mail and finds a letter to her boyfriend from her lover Billy Costigan.  In a fit of indecision, she wonders what to do.  Suddenly the film cuts to a series of quick cuts which I submit constitute a shower montage right in the middle of the scene.  She’s looking at the envelope and suddenly her boyfriend shucks his clothes, get the water hot, jumps into the shower, and slams back the curtain. Right away she knows she has the time to commit a federal offense and open his mail to find out how big the wages of her sin have become.  The problem with this scene is that the whole time he’s getting into the shower, she’s just standing there looking at the envelope.  When’s the last time you ever saw someone other than a professional athlete shuck their clothes and be under the water in less than ten seconds?  That process could take up to fifteen to twenty minutes in most households and even longer in some cases. Think I’m just splitting hairs? Time your spouse or roommate next time they’re headed to the shower and you have to pee; you’re talking a half hour before they’re good and under the water before you can get in there and provide your bladder sweet relief. 

And she just drank a liter of cola.

Other films are guilty of this misuse of montages as well.  One of Shawn of the Dead’s running gags is that Shawn is so distracted by his mundane life that he misses an entire zombie outbreak; and lo and behold as the days go by, his morning routine dwindles into a twenty second mini montage that shows him doing the same things over and over again.  Yet every time he comes down stairs the same news broadcast is playing from when he woke up. How long is that anchor talking, forty-five minutes?  I’m sorry, I’m pretty quick to get ready in the morning (Honestly, there‘s not a lot of improvement to be done here), but even I need a half hour or so to go from dead sleep to facing the day.  In the interest of full disclosure, if I’m waking up after a major holiday, or pretty much any Saturday, well then I’ll need four hours and three technicians just to get me into a sitting position.

5) YOU’LL NEVER SEE IT COMING

Every horror and suspense movie out there relies on the “jump out and shock you” scene.  Studies show that it is exactly this adrenaline rush that makes these movies so popular and that the whole reason that studios keep churning out sequel after sequel of a one note film is that it can make you jump out of your seat.  Ask any horror buff why they love the films that they do and the answer will always lie in the “it was so intense” area, because quite frankly aside from some good one-liners or gratuitous nudity, these films just don’t have time for anything else.

Character Development or Gratuitous Nudity… We’re Not Really Sure

But the staple of all of these films is one of the most illogical of all suspensions of disbelief; that you’ll never be able to see the killer coming, even if they’re standing right next to you.  Time after time these films will put the victim in a dimly lit space and they will be shocked as hell when someone the size of Paul Bunyan moves out of the shadows. Want to know how I know this is bogus?  Next time you’re at the grocery store (lets be honest, the Walmart/Target “produce” section) just see how little time it takes you to notice that an annoying stranger is getting a little too close to your personal space.  “Wait just a minute,” you exclaim thinking you‘ve got me cornered, “but they’re not creeping along stealthily, trying to sneak up on me and hack me to pieces!” Well, some of them are, but that’s another article; but just to test your theory, go try it in a library where the first rule of business is to keep quiet for the sake of others.  Even better, be in an indoor office building when the lights go out and I guarantee that you’ll still sense the moment Billy the Intern is merging into your comfort zone without using his blinker.   And I’m not even mentioning the fact that 99% of all horror movie victims completely lack peripheral vision or any olfactory senses (damn, I just mentioned it).

But horror films aren’t the only ones perpetrating this fraud.  Many films are using this kind of editing to pull off sight gags or to make the protagonist look all that more badass.  In The Dark Knight Rises, when Batman gives Blake a bomb to throw at the rubble, it makes a paltry little bang and does nothing to achieve the goal of creating an opening. Just as Blake turns to him and makes a quip about needing something more powerful, Batman comes around the corner in The Bat (yeah, that’s what its called) and in midair blows the rubble sky high.  You’re telling me that Blake couldn’t hear a vehicle with two rotary propellers and a jet engine hovering system warming up while he was chucking his little bomb?

“Please ignore my hovering tank exhaust.”

Not with the power of editing, my friends.  A vehicle that was built specifically for urban warfare and riot control (it makes a crap-ton of noise) can be cleverly silent on film until its noise is needed thanks to the guys in the editing booth. The reason I’m so against this one fallacy is because with movies going to such great lengths to interject realism at every turn, and with every director that is giving a DVD interview expounding on how they painstakingly researched how a certain prop would interact with a certain environment, it seems to me a little ridiculous how willing everyone is to just say, “Yeah, he probably would have heard that thing from a good mile away, but we’ll fix it in post.”

For SpoilerAlert Podcast, thanks for stopping by. 

-Brandon

The Five Things That Actually Cause John McClane Grief In Life

Anyone who has a passing relationship with SpoilerAlert Podcast knows how I feel about the Die Hard series.  Actually, anyone who’s around me for more than five minutes can deduce that one:

Actual Author Photo

However, in honor of Brando’s favorite holiday film, I thought I’d ruminate on poor John McClane’s lot in life.  It is imperative that you understand that I am not pointing out plot holes, merely illustrating a surprising fact of his existence.  You see dear readers, if you think that McClane’s world would be all sunshine and farts if only it weren’t for all those pesky terrorists, well you got another thing comin!

So sit back and enjoy the real pains in McClane’s ass:

1) THE FBI IS CONSTANTLY SCREWING HIM OVER.

            McClane is a cop from New York who worked in LA for a spell, but he is NYPD through and through.  But if there is one thing that his experience should have taught him its this: never trust the FBI! In the original Die Hard, a major plot point of the film is that the FBI’s incompetence actually makes the bad guy’s plan work.  Hans “Bubby” Gruber even refers to them as his Christmas miracle, and at one point (granted it’s a case of mistaken identity) they actually open fire on McClane while he’s trying to get hostages to safety.

Interagency Cooperation

Bad first impression you say? Ok, how about in Die Hard With A Vengeance when they reward McClane’s saving of hundreds of lives in a New York subway explosion with an interrogation and slyly insinuate that he could be in on the plot? That’s Bureau procedure if ever I’ve seen it.  At this point in his career, McClane should be able to threaten the President and still get the benefit of the doubt, but the FBI still isn’t too sure about him.  Of course, the best moment comes in Live Free Or Die Hard when we find out that the FBI is basically responsible for the entire freakin’ plot of the film, as they hired the villain to protect America’s computer-automated systems (www.runseverything.gov), fired him, and proceeded not to change one damn thing that he left in place.  I’m serious, they don’t even change his login password after he basically tells them the cyber version of, “I’ll get you my pretties!!” To make matters worse, to cover their asses, they keep all of this a secret until they admit it to the only FBI Agent that thinks McClane is worth a damn, and his only response is a sneer so intense that it completely conveys the words “Senate Judiciary Review”.”

Way to go boys, J. Edgar would be proud!

2) NO ONE EVER BELIEVES HIM.

            Maybe its never been said that John McClane never told a lie, but for some reason, anytime he says anything remotely insightful he is immediately met with criticism and disbelief.

            After risking life and limb to kill a terrorist and steal a radio in the original Die Hard, McClane gets to the roof of the Nakatomi building and begins to broadcast a desperate plea for help on the emergency band using clear and cohesive language.  The immediate response from a trained 911 operator? He’s a crank caller. After he tells the LADP not to breach the building because of the terrorists’ superior firepower, they can’t wait to blow him off to go get killed by the very rocket launcher that he warned them about.  In Die Hard 2, after half the movie goes by and McClane has been right about EVERY FREAKING PLOT POINT, Capt. Lorenzo actually threatens to arrest him for being out of his mind once McClane spoon-feeds him the bad guys’ entire plan.  Only after McClane unloads on Lorenzo with an automatic weapon loaded with blanks (that the terrorists were using) does McClane’s theory start getting some play.

Proper Police Procedure

By the time Die Hard With A Vengeance happens, McClane takes the time to call Inspector Cobb and reveal the terrorists’ plan, all the while dodging an exploding Manhattan.  The Inspector’s response to McClane, the officer that he sent on the mission to literally figure out the terrorists’ plan and report back, is to question whether or not he has been drinking. And of course, once the beloved FBI shows up in Live Free Or Die Hard to get McClane’s take on things, their only response is to tell him that the scenario that they are actually experiencing is simply not possible.  At what point does someone say, “You know, he might just have a knack for this stuff”?

3) NO ONE REMEMBERS WHAT HE DID AT THE AIRPORT BACK IN 1990.

            John McClane fought his way into our hearts by using his wits, a Beretta, and the only cool wife-beater ever to overcome thirty terrorists in the Nakatomi Building in LA.  We all loved the movie, and in the Die Hard universe, this is what he’s known for.  He’s constantly getting ragged about it in the second film and the entire plot of Die Hard With A Vengeance seems to be a revenge driven rampage because the bad guy is Hans Gruber’s older brother.

Nepotism

            When Zeus asks him if he’s famous or something, McClane off-handedly mentions the skyscraper incident depicted in the original film.  The problem? In Die Hard 2, he basically wins the country’s war on drugs, takes out Manuel Noriega, and quells a ridiculously high level military special ops mutiny, not to mention that he also solves the biggest FAA crisis in history and saves the lives of literally THOUSANDS of people.  This would be SUCH a bigger deal than the Nakatomi Building incident!! That was thirty terrorists stealing money; this is the Cocaine Kingpin of Panama and TWO (count ‘em!) Green Beret quality rouge Army platoons. Yet from the moment its over, everyone he meets is like, “John McClane? Right, that building in LA.” That would be like meeting Aaron Rodgers and only remembering that he worked at the food court. 

Welcome to Mr. Smileys!!!

The fact that no one can recall this incident leads me to believe that McClane’s awesomeness caused every other person on the planet’s brain to immediately erase the memory or face total protonic reversal (yeah, it’s a real thing).

4) HIS WIFE IS A TOTAL BITCH.

            When we meet McClane, he is separated from his wife Holly because of career matters; he’s a New York cop and she has been transferred to LA with a very lucrative  executive job. They embrace and then launch into a fight about how they are both unhappy with what is essentially a common marital problem.  At the beginning of the second film, he’s an LAPD cop, having given up his career in New York for his family and followed her out to the coast.  By the time he saves her for the second time, they’re established as a loving couple with this little problem of always inviting too many terrorists for Christmas.

Party Crashers

Once we get to the third film though, they’ve been squabbling again and McClane has gone back to New York even though they’re still married.  When he finally gets the gut check to swallow his pride and call her, he unfortunately has to run off at the last second to save the United States entire MONETARY BACKUP and must leave her hanging on the line.  Her reaction is to immediately start cussing him out over the phone.  McClane once threw a guy through a jet engine turbine just because he threatened Holly’s safety, and her reaction to a missed phone call is to immediately assume he’s just screwing around with her emotions again?  Further more, he’s completely faithful to her.  In the original film, when a drunk executive flirts with Holly and invites her out for a romantic evening, she coyly retreats into her professional demeanor and chides him about the true meaning of Christmas. (I’m sorry, I hope my wife would say something along the lines of, “I’m married ass-hat and this is totally unwanted sexual harassment! I can’t wait till some German terrorist blows your cocaine addled brain out the back of your skull!”)

A Proportional Response

McClane’s way? In Die Hard 2, when the attractive Rent-A-Car Girl (the character’s legitimate name) asks McClane if he’d be interested in getting a drink, he immediately points to his wedding ring and laughs off the invitation.  But the biggest knife in the back from our girl Holly is when McClane goes to visit his daughter Lucy in Live Free Or Die Hard and finds not only does she use her mother’s maiden name out of allegiance to Holly after the divorce, but she makes several comments hinting at the fact that mom thought he was a crappy guy.  How does it pan out? After one afternoon in her dad’s world, Lucy can’t wait to tell anyone that will listen that her last name is McClane and she is her father’s daughter.  Perhaps, just once, Holly should have set the kids down and explained to them that even though Mommy and Daddy aren’t married anymore they both love them very much and Daddy is just a little busy because often times he is literally the only thing keeping America safe from complete annihilation.

5) THE F*&%$#G WRITERS HATE HIM.

            John McClane is a descent guy who just happens to do incredible things (the entire appeal of the first film is that he’s an everyman who rises to the occasion).  He’s a loving husband and father, an honest cop, nice to everyone who isn’t trying to kill him, and, oh yeah, every now and then he saves the freakin’ world.  However, somewhere around pre-production on Die Hard With A Vengeance, the producers discovered that they could save some coin by not hiring back Bonnie Bedelia and Reginald Vel Johnson.

Cost-prohibitive. And surprisingly gay.

To facilitate this casting decision, in the third film McClane becomes an alcoholic, washed-up loner. WHAT?!? Everything he does in the first two films is for his family and the safety of others, but now he’s a perpetual screw-up that can’t keep his life on track.  To further this thread, and to play off the idea that McClane is an anachronistic guy living in a modern world, by the time Live Free Or Die Hard rolls around he’s completely aware of how much of a loser he is! He actually tells Justin Long how much his life sucks because he’s pretty much a superhero.  See above WHAT?!? I once helped a guy at a traffic accident and when the guy told me thank you, I told that story to literally every human I interacted with for a month.  John McClane should walk the earth never having to pay his own bar tab and spend most of his time wondering why everyone else can’t get their shit together, but instead the writers have Silent Bob and the Mac Kid ragging on him because he doesn’t know what a USB port is.  When the bad guy hacks into his personnel records, he even makes a snide remark about how pathetic McClane’s financial picture is.  Could that be because he’s an honest cop that never stole the free crap that the terrorists were constantly leaving in their wake or because he never sued the Beretta company for making their grips so damn slippery? (Seriously, watch the movies again, that gun slips out of his hand every ten minutes!!)

Beretta Handle Stick-um

So, what is his reward for being so mind-blowingly awesome? Divorce, estrangement from his children, and a blown liver.  Thanks a lot writers!!

Hmm… Perhaps I watch these movies a little too much…

From all of us at SpoilerAlert Podcast, Merry Christmas!!

Kyle Ranks the Star Wars Movies

It's worse than you think!

With last week’s stunning revelation that the Disney Corporation had purchased Lucasfilm from that turkey-necked madman, George Lucas, for $4.1 billion dollars the entire internet was thrown into a heated debate over what this could mean for the future of the Star Wars franchise. Was the four decade reign of terror by what increasingly seemed like a sophisticated cyborg sent back in time to destroy everything nerds hold dear finally over? Was this just the beginning of a new chapter in mind-bendingly insane cinematic decisions? Is Mickey Mouse still as irrelevant and boring as he was when I was a child? I think before we get too excited about the future of the Star Wars universe we should take a brief look at where the franchise has been, and how else to do that than the tried and true internet method of making a snarky list! Huzzah!

1.) Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back

Obviously if you’re ranking Star Wars movies, you have to put Empire at the top. I would’t be legally allowed to post this on the interwebs without touting the second outing as the cream of the crop when it comes to exotic space operas. Lucas took a back seat for this installment and let Leigh Brackett and Lawrence Kasdan handle the writing duties, while Irvin Kershner took over as director. Hmmm…that couldn’t factor into Empire being the best of the six, could it?  Granted, Kasdan helped Lucas write Jedi, but come on, I mean, Ewoks. Ewoks people!? If the first movie serves as an introduction to this universe the second fleshes the world out tenfold. The audience travels to multiple new worlds, meets exciting new character (none of which get a song and dance number), and is treated to a plot twist that would make M. Night Shyamalan’s head spin. When it comes to heart, action, and Muppets, you can’t beat Empire. 

 He's no Kermit, but he'll do in a pinch.

2.) Episode IV: A New Hope

Or as anyone born before 1995 knows it, Star Wars. If you’d believe the plaid, bearded one, Star Wars was the little movie that could. Filmed for bubble gum and trading cards, without the full support of its studio*, Star Wars was instantly a cultural phenomenon that I don’t remember because I wasn’t born for another five years.

*Pictured above: Studio apathy

The world was introduced to a young, Aryan farm boy and his two gay robot pals as they searched the galaxy with a criminal and an old man for the only woman alive who turned out to be his sister. As you can see, this movie had very wide appeal.

3.) Episode VI: Return of the Jedi

I go back and forth with Jedi. For one, getting out of Jabba’s clutches at the beginning takes a little too long for my taste and at a point feels like they’re padding the running time. It’s also pretty undeniable that the Ewoks are a frightening omen of thing to come for our beloved franchise, as Lucas delved deeper into merchandising opportunities and less into things that make any damn sense on screen. We are also treated to some fantastic ret-conning when Luke finds out the only girl he’s ever gotten to first base with is also his sister. Don’t worry, they’re kids’ movies! Jedi can’t be completely written off though as the last 45 minutes to half hour are among some of the most strong moments in the series. Also, this happens:

Please don't get up.

4.) Episode III: Revenge of the Sith

Spike TV is making it their mission that I never forget the prequels happened, and the reason that I know when people say, “Sith was actually pretty good” what they actually mean is, “I’ve passed my usefulness as a person”. From the cartoon action sequences to the most ham-fisted disappointing introduction of the galaxy’s prime badass at the end, they’re no doubt that something horrible is in the water at Skywalker Ranch. Only the bloated, hour and a half (probably) fight on Planet Steel Mill at the end pushes this movie just past crime against humanity to unwatchable.

 Yesssssss!

5.) Episode II: Attack of the Clones

I don’t remember this movie despite seeing it in the theater twice. That doesn’t bode well. I know what Yoda turns into a cartoon and this happens though:

Talk about your wardrobe malfunction! I'll let myself out.

6.) Episode I: The Phantom Menace

With almost two decades to stew in the possibility of a new entry in the Star Was saga anticipation had reached a fever pitch in the late 90’s. With the simple act of releasing the title of the first in three new movies a collective “huh?” fell over a confused nation. In hindsight, the title makes perfect sense. The Phantom Menace is the Emperor posing as the senator guy…that or it’s the racist alien caricatures with the weird eyes. Maybe the Phantom Menace is the ever-present threat of government control. I’d say it’s Jar Jar, but there wasn’t much phantom about that menace. Meesa was going to try and get through this without mentioning the lizard horse Jamaican, but it’s proven to be impossible. I guess I’ll just let this serve as my argument against him:

Don't worry Liam, in a few years you'll be in Batman Begins.

Phantom Menace marks the point where all things fun about the original movies was forgotten and replaced with CGI, lengthy discussions on trade negotiations, and confusingly bad child acting.

 Weeeeee!

The Star Wars movies (sixilogy) serve as a beautiful example of a franchise reaching groundbreaking cinematic highs and crushing cultural lows. Let’s hope that by wrestling control from the all-knowing Creator, the Star Wars saga can get back on track since apparently it’s not just going to fade away like we’d all really like it to.

Pixar Podcast

It’s that time of year again…Kyle and Brandon conned Brad into letting them into his house to record another podcast! This time the dynamic duo count down their favorite Pixar movies while only causing minimal damage to Brad's place. Will they agree on anything? Not likely. Will they knock back a few beers and tell inappropriate jokes? You bet! Pull up a chair, strap in, and enjoy as the guys argue about the important issues facing us today—namely, why are Woody and Buzz so much cooler than those stupid Cars?

Leave your comments below and let us know which you think is the best. Make sure you agree with Kyle!

Pixar Podcast

Click the link above to listen in your browser. Right click and "save link as" to download to your computer. If you have trouble with that link, the podcast can also be downloaded here.

Spider-Man Trilogy Podcast

Okay kids, it's time to suck in your gut, pull on the tights, and set your watch to New York time because the Spoiler Alert guys are back with a brand new, super-sized podcast. In these trying times Brandon and Kyle take to the airwaves once more and tackle the tough issues...namely, why did Spider-Man 3 swing itself right into the side of a building? It's almost a full hour devoted to the cinematic exploits of the world's most famous web-slinger. Grab yourself a stout drink (I know they did) and get ready for the Spider-Man Podcast.

After the Spoiler Alert crew has dazzled you, and Brandon has convinced you that our nation has never faced a greater threat than the exploits of James Franco, head down to the comments section and leave us your thoughts. Also don't forget that you can always email us at spoileralertpodcast@gmail.com.

In case anyone is wondering why some of the references in the podcast seem a little dated, we recorded this baby back in September. Sorry...we are the world's biggest procrastinators. 

Right click the link below to save the file to your computer or simply click to listen in your browser:

Spider-Man Podcast


If you have any problems with that link, try this one:

Spider-Man Podcast