Brando’s Top Ten Villains on Film

All actors know that even though they become franchise players through playing the good guys, it’s always more fun to play the bad boy.  When playing a proper villain, most actors are able to push the boundaries of their craft in ways no good guy role would ever let them attempt; often times showcasing a level of talent that most didn’t know they possessed.  However, the flip side to that assessment is that even though playing the bad guy lets an actor throw caution to the wind and really go all out with a role, many times the roles themselves are simply not complex enough to stand the test of time. 

 Yeah, Gabriel Byrne did it better.  In a Schwarzenegger flick.

However, once in a great while, an actor jumps into a role and blows away all expectations of the character and creates an iconic performance that stands the test of time and cements them in the public’s consciousness so deeply that they are remembered forever. And of those top caliber performances, only a select ten earn the right to go on Brando’s list of top ten villains on film. 

The editors of SpoilerAlert Podcast would like to mention that Brando is going to be listing what he considers are the best villains of all time, not necessarily the scariest.  Also, as in other articles, Brando is woefully incapable of discussing these films without giving away the plot and revealing tons of spoilers, so now you have been warned and you cannot be pissed at us if the ending gets ruined by this article. 

I mean, you could.  But isn’t this really all your fault?

Yeah, thought so.

10.  Freddy Krueger – Nightmare on Elm Street – 1984

Played by Robert Englund

Talk about longevity, this guy has shown up in eight separate films not to mention staring in his own television show (Freddy’s Nightmares, 1988-1990), which is one of his detriments.  Overexposure on an epic level caused this guy to be reproduced into almost satirical levels, and people tend to forget that at one time this guy was one of the baddest baddies out there.  What’s more is that he knew exactly how freaking awesome that he was.  Crude, utterly perverted, and probably the only “victim” in cinema history that deserves exactly what he got, Englund’s monster became one of the most iconic horror images of all time.  The scariest aspect of his power is that he can attack you in the real world as well as the dream world, and once he shows up there is absolutely nothing that can be done to deter him from coming back again and again.  Everyone remembers Nancy (Heather Langerkamp) desperately attempting not to fall asleep because she knows how much more vulnerable she will be in the dream world, much to Krueger’s delight. One of the most terrifying villains of all time, not to mention becoming an image synonymous world wide with horror, Freddy earns his presence on this list.

Villainous Moment: Invisibly killing Tina in the real world while she sleeps after her first nightmare.

9.  T-1000 – Terminator 2: Judgment Day – 1991

Played by Robert Patrick

Known more for the amazing technical advancements that were necessary to bring the character to life on film, Patrick’s best work will live in infamy for his terrifying persona.  By definition, all Terminators are simply well disguised machines bent on destruction, but this time around the bad guy was so threatening that by the time he and Arnold throw down, it is completely believable that the smaller actor could toss the former Mr. Universe around like a rag doll.  From the moment we’re shown the unbelievable liquid metal shifting of his arm into a giant blade, or his osmosis through prison bars, the T-1000 becomes the most terrifying Terminator of all time, complete with their trademarked relentless nature and complete apathy for everything except for their mission.  Patrick’s performance is especially noteworthy for his complete lack of expression throughout the entire film; even during shootouts or jumping onto a helicopter while it is in the air from a motorcycle, his calm and robotic demeanor never waivers for a moment (at least until his final shot).

Villainous Moment: Acknowledging the pain he is causing Sarah Conner (Linda Hamilton) by stabbing her when she refuses to call to her son, “I know this hurts…”  Freaky.

8.  Darth Vader – The Empire Strikes Back – 1980

Played by David Prowse, Voiced by James Earl Jones

The most visually iconic of villains in cinema history (not to mention the guy with the coolest respirator on any planet), Darth Vader, was the undisputable scourge of the Star Wars universe.  Played onscreen by 6’6’’ Prowse, and outfitted with a completely original helmet for Jones’ iconic voice to forever be linked to (an editing move that Prowse was never informed would occur, and a source of tension for the actor for years after the first film came out), Vader was the first villain that many of my generation ever encountered.  In the first film he was a bit of a lackey (who orders Vader to release ANYBODY?) and in the third he had to deal with family issues (the other three “films” recalling his back story are not recognized by this author, especially Vader’s only on-screen appearance, “Nooooooo!”), but it was in this film that he hit his stride as a premiere bad guy.  He’s cruel, intelligent, powerful, and an absolute master of the force. 

Villainous Moment: Casually sentencing Han Solo to possible death in carbonite freezing with less emotion than most people would give their choice of lunch. 

7.  Anton Chigar – No Country for Old Men – 2007

Played by Javier Bardem

This is what happens when the strong, silent type loses their marbles, and becomes an unstoppable killing machine.  Taunting, relentless, and infuriating polite, Bardem’s portrayal of Cormac McCarthy’s embodiment of evil was Oscar-deserving in every way, and it set the bar for villains for years to come (more on that later).  Chigar’s best feature is that no matter what he is doing, from incredible and violent actions like detonating a clunker with cotton balls to performing ad hoc surgery on himself in a motel room, his calm and disarming demeanor is constantly flipping back and forth from detached to lethal in the blink of an eye.  From the moment that he shows up on film, you know that no matter how much you want the good guy to win, it’s just not going to happen.

Villainous Moment: Never before has simple gas station small talk been as terrifying as when Chigar flips the coin for the attendant’s life.

6.  Bill the Butcher – Gangs of New York – 2002

Played By Daniel Day-Lewis

I wasn’t a fan of the film myself (in all honesty, it gave a LOT of ammo to critics that say that Scorsese uses gratuitous violence for its own sake), but there’s no denying that Bill was absolutely terrifying in every way.  Its just an accepted truth that if Daniel Day-Lewis takes a role, its going to be amazing, but this was the first time we’d ever seen him turn that intensity into a true bad guy (albeit, one who thought he was doing the best thing based upon his perspective).  And the result is Bill, the murderous political heavy who’s iron clad control over the respective Five Points of mid 1800’s New York (and his intensely violent means of enforcing that control) is indisputable; while his lamenting that Liam Neeson’s Priest Vallon was the last good man he ever fought gives Bill excellent complexity as well.  Add in the world’s creepiest glass eye (and him tapping it with his blade!) and you’ve got a master villain.

Villainous Moment: Taunting and then brutally murdering Brendan Gleeson’s Walter ‘Monk’ McGinn after Monk becomes the first Irishman to win elected office against Bill’s wishes.

5.  The Joker – The Dark Knight – 2008

Played by Heath Ledger

Remember when I said that Javier Bardem’s Anton Chigar set the bar for villains for years to come? Yeah, it actually only took a year for this masterpiece to come out and for Ledger to completely leave Chigar in the dust with one of the most unbelievable and likeable performances in years.  Even though Ledger’s unfortunate accidental death generated all of the film’s pre-release buzz; once the world saw his Oscar worthy portrayal of the iconic character, it was so unexpected that it made us all forget about Jack Nicholson (who we all still love).  So good was Ledger in this role that when the sequel came out four years later, there were no misguided attempts to re-cast the role in order to give Batman another round with his greatest nemesis (in fact, out of respect to Ledger’s legacy, the Joker is never mentioned in the final film).  He’s funny without making jokes, klutzy while being deadly accurate, lethally powerful while sporting the physique of a lanky teenager; he’s a comic book character come to life in every sense of the word.

Villianous Moment: He actually makes you see his side of the argument while being interrogated by Batman.

4.  The Shark – Jaws – 1975

Played by Bruce, the animatronic shark

Probably responsible for more people being afraid of the ocean than any other film in the history of cinema, Steven Spielberg’s masterpiece still stands the test of time when it comes to nail biting thrillers.  Surrounded by great performances by some of film’s most likeable stars (Dreyfuss is hilarious in this film), the core of this story is the huge man-eater that shows up and terrorizes a small New England town from the depths below.  Created entirely out stock footage and animatronics, “Jaws” (although the shark is never referred to by that name in any of the films) became one of the most visually arresting of all villains; namely because even though he was the bad guy, he wasn’t really evil.  He’s just a shark that has found an excellent food source and isn’t leaving anytime soon. Critics praised Spielberg’s Hitchcockian choice to keep the shark off camera until the final act, but behind the scenes stories tell us now that this decision had a lot more to do with the fake shark’s unreliability and constant tendency to break down than any conscious decision to present the villain this way.  Whatever it was though, it was awesome; and we all still love this film.

Villainous Moment: Slowly eating Quint while he screams like a banshee the entire time.

3.  Magua – The Last of the Mohicans – 1992

Played by Wes Studi

           

Anyone familiar with SpoilerAlert Podcast knows how I feel about The Last of the Mohicans, and one of the reasons this film is so good is its villain, Magua, the vengeful leader of the Huron battle party.  After having his family killed by the commander of the British forces, Magua sets his sights on vengeance and never waivers for a moment.  Perfectly embodying the brutal methods of Native American warriors of the time, he betrays people, ambushes them, scalps them, and even hacks them to pieces and he does it all with that incredibly unexpressive look on his face.  In fact, his one expressive moment comes when the sachem chief denies Magua’s request to kill both of Munroe’s daughters in order to eradicate Munroe’s bloodline from the earth, the way he promised he would. His motivation is iron clad and he cares nothing for any aspect that would stand in his way.  Most villains feel justified in their actions; Magua feels righteous with every step he takes.

Villainous Moment: Gesturing to Alice Munroe to step back off the ledge with his hand coated in the blood of her friend Uncas that he just killed.

2.  Amon Goeth – Schindler’s List – 1993

Played by Ralph Fiennes

The only one on this list that was an actual person (fake sharks portraying gigantic real sharks don’t count as based on real people), Fiennes’ best work as a psychotic Nazi death camp leader is still a lesson in one of the darkest periods in the history of the world.  So tuned into this character was Fiennes that an on-set story of the film is that while he was in Nazi uniform, he met with a few Holocaust survivors that were on set during filming that day, and his mannerisms and costume were so like Goeth’s that one of the survivors began visibly shaking in his presence.  Incredibly, the most surprising aspect of Goeth’s evil lies in his likeability.  He’s buddies with and even assists the hero of the film at certain times, but even while acquiescing to Schindler’s wishes Goeth is constantly protecting his own selfish desires and murderous tendencies.  His tyranny goes even further than his position requires, and his love of what he does is contrasted only by his confusion over the random twinge of guilt he feels every once in a while.

Villainous Moment: Deciding to kill the boy who cleaned his bathtub right after he pardoned him for not being able to clean away a stain.

1.  Dr. Hannibal Lecter – The Silence of the Lambs – 1991

Played by Anthony Hopkins

He was only on screen for eighteen minutes, and for most of the time he politely instructed Starling into developing the mindset she needed to track down Buffalo Bill. Lecter and Starling’s conversation about her childhood just before he escapes is still one of the best on screen exchanges between two leads in the history of film (the production was actually scheduled to go to Montana and film sections of Clarice’s childhood story, but after seeing Hopkins and Foster’s performances in the dailies, the director immediately scrapped those plans knowing that their acting was perfect).  Hopkins’ iconic turn as the psychotic cannibal remains the most complete villain ever.  His small size and disarming breeding betrays his advantage over anyone in his path; that you simply NEVER know what he’s going to do next.  Brilliant, patient, ruthless, and hungry; Dr. Hannibal Lecter is still the one to beat for greatest of all time.

Villainous Moment: Taking a moment to enjoy the music after slaughtering two prison guards in order to escape.  The bar was set with this one.

Honorable Mention

The G’Mork – The NeverEnding Story – 1984

This author’s personal white whale, and while on the surface this guy might not be the scariest thing out there; but as the most fantastical assassin in the history of film, the G’Mork’s scariest attribute is its complete apathy about its victims.  With its only motivation being accumulating more and more power, combined with its willingness to go to any means to achieve this goal, this villain is simply too much for one boy to face all by himself (which is its biggest drawback, one lunge and Atreyu dispatches it?) The fact is that anything with glowing yellow eyes cannot be trusted, and talking wolves are just plain scary.

Villainous Moment: While lecturing Atreyu on the laws of Fantasia, he reveals that he knows more about the situation than anyone else, and he’s reveling in it.

Happy Halloween from SpoilerAlert Podcast!!

-Brando

An Open Letter to Miley Cyrus

Dear Miley,

I know that this is a tough time for you and that you are at that critical stage in your career that requires you shuck off that Hanna Montana persona, which even being worth millions of dollars in licensing deals alone, was holding you back from your true calling of…

Well, to be honest, I’m not dead certain exactly what niche you’re going for these days, but the point is, its an incredibly difficult needle to thread when one attempts to transform their public persona from child star to adult professional. 

Case in point:

           

This poor child spent a mere three years in the Canadian Leagues and to this day spends her days hanging out with a sociopath who in seventeen short years will place his children under house arrest and torture them with stories of how he once had a threesome with Winnie Cooper and the blonde girl from White Chicks (Ep. 47, “The Third Wheel, Season 3, 2007). 

It goes to show you that there are a variety of challenges when a girl becomes a woman in the public eye, and you are now forced to showcase not only your abundance of femininity and power but also the fact that you have the libido of Wilt Chamberlain. If you truly wish to take a Cleveland Steamer on the legion of Hanna Montana fans out there (who, btw are the only people still defending your actions) and break out into a new and incredibly slutty mold, I’m just saying that there are ways to go about this better than hitting the world across the face with a mallet that screams, “I have a vagina!!!”

It’s a delicate balance to achieve, but luckily for you, young lady, it’s been done before and there are a few trailblazers out there who have conquered the very situation that you are loosing yourself to with every appearance and cover shoot you do. 

Author’s Note: I’m going to be cracking wise about this topic for a while, but I would like to say that this is starting to get more than a little bit ridiculous and at what time do we start the conversation about these young ladies’ management and handlers’ culpability in all this?  Doesn’t Disney have something to say about the alarming amount of young women who come out of their child-stardom machinery only to go bat-shit insane at the prospect of the rest of their lives? Isn’t it a wee bit telling that most of the young men that emerge from this same machinery seem to do just fine? And speaking solely about the Miley’s VMA performance, am I the only one who thinks that Robin Thicke owes some sort of explanation/apology for what went down?  Ok, soapbox over, on with the list!

Tiffany Amber Thiessen

Those were the days!

Known throughout the stratosphere as the impossibly angelic Kelly Kapowski on the hit Saturday morning television show Saved By The Bell, Thiessen was so pigeon-holed into that role that when she left the show in order to pursue a blossoming (?) film career, she was told by many casting agents that she couldn’t read for the part, simply because her notoriety would distract from the film (this is the flip side of the megastar coin, for example, watch anything with David Schwimmer in it and try not to see Ross).  Terrified of not having anywhere to go, Thiessen jumped at the chance to return to her iconic role in Saved By The Bell: The College Years, and gave herself a few more years to contemplate her next move.

How She Did It?

Thiessen joined the cast of Beverly Hills 90210 in it’s forth season as the femme fatale Valerie Mallone (Someone’s cousin, or twin, or something; that thing was a nighttime soap opera, nothing more), a sex obsessed evil turbo-slut.  How is that different than what you’re doing, Ms. Cyrus? Because Thiessen only acted the part while the camera was rolling.  Once the director yelled cut, she was never seen flashing her whoo-hah while getting out of a Bentley on Venice Blvd (and I know that’s not you, but we all know that we’re not too far away from that particular Kodak moment). There was also never a photo of her smoking out of a bong (that one was you), regardless of whatever was in it.  Perhaps that because Thiessen was willing to simply be an actress, and not a phenomenon, she was able to retain her dignity and let the fictional characters she played show-case her sexuality.

Sarah Michelle Gellar

I overcame a vampire phobia just to watch this show. Seriously.

People often forget in the wake of multiple Scooby Doo films (and whatever the hell is going on with this Robin Williams television show) that back in the late nineties, Buffy: the Vampire Slayer was absolutely huge and you couldn’t stroll through the check out aisle with out seeing Gellar’s face everywhere.  If you think I’m messing with you, ask anyone over thirty if they know that the word “wiggy” means, go ahead we’ll wait… Yeah, that’s the legacy of Buffy and Gellar was the face of it. 

How She Did It?

Gellar took an astonishing risk and signed on to play Kathryn, the diabolical, over-sexed, drug addicted, possibly incestuous (that part of the plot kinda gets fuzzy) step sister in the 1999 film Cruel Intentions.  Set in the hyper-realized, not to mention over-stylized, opulent world of wealthy Manhattan prep school love affairs, Gellar oozed sexuality into this character and made it look like it was the easiest thing in the world.  Granted, she got a lot of help from the writing’s complete lack of shame in using every innuendo in the book, but that was the point, she was having such a great time with the gratuitous sex-talk that she succeeded in making us forget all about a certain vampire slayer.  And when it was over, and the world was attempting to pick their collective jaw up off the ground, she showed right back up at work on Buffy and remained on the show for another four years.  She portrayed the whore one time, to prove to the world she could (and make the break between her teen fans and a film career) and because she was talented enough to pull it off so well, she never had to do it again. 

Jessica Simpson

           

It’s a good thing she’s hot… life was gonna be rough otherwise.

(Hold on a second, internet, let me explain!!)  This young lady spent the mid to late nineties playing a very distant third wheel amidst the great Britney/Christina War of 1999, and in fact there was a time when we didn’t know she was an idiot, because we didn’t know a damn thing about her!  Instead of whoring it up to compete in the battle of bare midriffs, she often stayed to the more conservative side of the street, citing a religious background and an over-protective father (yeah, that help up pretty well).  But still, as a teen sensation, she was stuck right in the middle of the same crisis you face, Ms. Cyrus.

How She Did It?

Simpson took the (at the time) novelty route into reality television with her former-boy-band-member ex-husband Nick Lachey on MTV’s Newlyweds.  And while most of the show was about their first year of marriage (lots of sex and leaving the seat up, I’m guessing? Who knows what you married people talk about?) what emerged is that the world learned that Simpson was a legitimate moron.  The most famous scene of the show was of them eating Chicken of the Sea brand tuna fish, whose actual name is, wait for it… Chicken of the Sea! And then they show her turning to her husband and asking, “So is this chicken or fish?” What an idiot, right?! Except, she turned that into a multi-million dollar ad campaign with Chicken of the Sea tuna.  In fact, they pulled this trick off again when she asked someone if buffaloes really had wings (Please tell me you known what she was eating at that particular moment), and showed up in a Buffalo’s Wild Wings commercial.  I’m guessing that as soon as someone explained to her what a bank was, she laughed all the way to it.  Sure, she was in The Dukes of Hazard portraying a hot bikini body and her subsequent music video for her version of “These Boots Were Made For Walkin’” was nothing more of an attempt to cash in on her sex appeal, but there is a difference between acting playfully sexy within a film role and out and out acting like a whore any time there is a camera around. And it’s this difference that I believe you are struggling with.

Mandy Moore

Beats the hell out of Dinty Moore any day.

In the same time frame as Jessica Simpson, Mandy Moore emerged right in the middle of the hot girl pop explosion of the late nineties.  Although, from the very beginning, she was always a little further out of the lime-light than the others, and certainly more conservative in her dress and actions (see above reference to battle of the midriffs).  Still, every teen sensation has a shelf-life and even Ms. Moore soon felt the ending of hers’ fast approaching.

How She Did It?

Moore was the first of this generation of pop superstars to make the jump into legitimate acting, first in the forgettable Dr. Dolittle 2, but then with her valley-girl performance as Lana in the comedy hit The Princess Diaries.  That film’s success led to her getting the lead in A Walk to Remember based of the hugely popular Nicholas Sparks’ book (am I the only one who thinks this guy is a genius? He wrote one story and has been re-editing it and releasing for the last fifteen years, and the world just keeps loving him for it.  Its like I’m taking crazy pills!!!).  Her time as a bit player allowed her to actually learn how to act, so by the time she was the leading lady (and granted, not everything she’s made has been a hit), she was a viable actress and not just a “lets put a singer in a movie” option (See: Crossroads, Romeo Must Die, Burlesque, etc…).  In 2010, she burst back onto the spotlight in her voice performance of Rapunzel in the hit film Tangled, in which she went back to her roots and performed the song “I See the Light”, earning a Grammy in the process (Best Song Written for Visual Media, which totally counts). Her basic strategy to deal with this crisis was to keep working hard and relying on her talent, not her fame, to carry her through.

Tiffany

Ehh.. Music television was just getting off the ground back then.

Tiffany (aka Tiffany Darwish) was half of the two-punch juggernaut of the eighties teenybopper phenomenon, along with fellow teenybopper Debbie Gibson, which actually created the term ‘teenybopper’. Along with the cultural invention of stonewashed jeans, crimped hair, and mall tours (yes, you actually went to a shopping mall to watch your favorite performer), the 1980’s gave us the birth of Pop Music, and the undisputed queens were Debbie Gibson and Tiffany.  The immense saturation of these girls’ faces on covers of magazine after magazine set a disturbing precedent in how we treated teen icons (and gave rise to more than a few legitimate stalking laws). 

In addition to the media blitzkrieg that surrounded her, Tiffany also had the added pressure of one of her first songs being her biggest hit.  She released a remake of “I Think We’re Alone Now” in 1987 as her second single (and if you’ve never held hands in a roller-skating rink to that song, then you’ve never freakin lived) and its place as number one on the Billboard charts was the best her career ever got.  But in the midst of being the opening act for “The New Kids On The Block” (who also shot to superstardom at this time), Tiffany was looking into the abyss of having the best years of her career behind her at the age of sixteen.

How She Did It?

She never did.  Tiffany went on to stay as NKOTB’s (I can’t believe I just used that acronym) opening act for a while, amidst speculation that she was a novelty act, owing her place more to her relationship with one of the New Kids, rather than her ability to draw a crowd.  After that, she faced a bitter financial battle between her family and her management that led to her suing her parents for legal emancipation and losing, only to be declared a ward of her grandmother in aftermath.  After several attempted career reboots, she posed for Playboy in 2002 in an attempt to separate herself from her former image (although it was reported that her decision had more to do with her financial situation than career strategy), and to this day Tiffany is performing at various shows and events, acting in B movies, and starring in reality television still trying get the lightning back in the bottle.  Perhaps hers is a sad story, but what I choose to highlight is that the entire time she has been fighting this battle; she’s done it with dignity and withheld her private life from the world.  Sure, people are going to say that the Playboy spread cancels my argument, but I submit that a thirty-one year old mother choosing to pose for a men’s magazine is an entirely different entity than a twenty year old starlet twerking on a thirty-six year old married man on national television.  Tiffany may be desperate for one more crack at fever-pitch fame, but never showed up at the Kids Choice Awards dry humping David Hasselhoff in order to create the inevitable media circus that type of behavior incites, and that is the difference I am trying to explain.

You see Ms. Cyrus, the mistake that you are making (or being advised to make) is that you’re chasing the ability to be provocative so intently in an effort to bury the public’s memory of Hanna Montana, that you’re allowing yourself to be pigeon-holed as that former child star who is willing to do anything for attention (specifically anything slutty to attract that kind of attention) and this willingness has you poised to go right over the edge and into severe emotional/psychological distress.  There’s just such a small margin of error in your business, and the pressure to strike the right chord between provocative and slutty is so monumental, that often times you’re going to be in a room with a bunch of people that are going to tell you whatever they can in order to keep cashing checks off of your notoriety.  And all I’m saying is that at some point you’re going to want to learn how to think for yourself, because the cliff that you’re tip-toeing up to is very, very steep.

I guess I wasn’t done with the soapbox after all. 

-Brando

Kyle's 17 Favorite Musical Moments (In Non-Musicals)

I’ll admit it, I like musicals. The singing, the dancing, the Hugh Jackman...I think music and movies go together like peas and carrots. As much as I love a good musical, it's even more enjoyable when a regular film is able to surprise you with a terrific musical moment. In fact, these moments are so great that I thought I'd come up with a list of them.

We need to set some ground rules on what I’m talking about so I don’t get a ton of angry comments. First off, and this should be pretty obvious from the title, I’m throwing musicals out of the running. I know that you think the music store scene in Once was amazing and that Anne Hathaway snotting through “I Dreamed I Dream” changed your life, but they’re both parts of musicals, so they’re out. Second, and this is where it gets a little tricky, nothing on this list can be just the score of the film or solely used as background music. The characters have to interact with the music in some way, either by singing it, dancing to it, or generally acknowledge that someone other than just the audience can hear what’s playing. “Where is my Mind” is a rad choice at the end of Fight Club, but I’m pretty sure Marla didn’t lug a boom box up to the top floor of that building, so you won’t find it anywhere on this list.

That being said, enjoy and let me know everything that I've left off (there are a ton) in the comments below.

17. "Afternoon Delight" - Anchorman

I’m not sure if this is the exact moment when Anchorman kicked into the absurd, but I do know that it’s when it instantly became one of my favorite comedies. When Ron is asked by his friends what it’s like to be in love, the gang spontaneously breaks into an acappella sing-a-long of “Afternoon Delight”. I am absolutely sure that there’s nothing better than Steve Carell taking the high harmony.

16. "Let's Get it On" - High Fidelity

Before I knew Tenacious D, and before I really knew Jack Black, I knew Barry the music snob at Championship Vinyl. Barry spent the entire movie bitching about music and his band, Sonic Death Monkey, but it wasn’t until the end that we found out Barry could deliver the goods. It’s one part goofy, one part spot-on, and completely amazing as Jack Black shows us just how good his range is as he works his way through the Marvin Gaye classic.

15. "Dracula's Lament" - Forgetting Sarah Marshall

The Muppets may be the singular greatest creation of the last 50 years (sorry PCs) and because of that, I’m a little biased. The inclusion of a puppet-based musical version of Bram Stoker’s Dracula makes me think that the writers were solely focused on getting me into the theater to see this movie. The final realization of Peter’s musical at the end is just short of brilliant, but it’s not my favorite moment in this breezy comedy from star Jason Segal. For my money, the lead character being coerced into performing a song from his passion project in a Hawaiian bar still makes me laugh out loud. From the pleas to not have to sing, to the final moving song performed in the hammiest Dracula voice this side of Lelsie Nielson--this is gold. It doesn’t hurt that it convinced Disney to hand over the reins of the Muppet franchise to Segal, which it turned out, was a wonderful idea.

14. The Drug Deal - Boogie Nights

Things haven’t been going so great for porn star Dirk Diggler. After letting his over-sized ego get the best of him, Eddie/Dirk finds himself hopelessly broke and addicted to drugs. Trying to score some quick cash Eddie and his crew attempt to pass baking soda off as cocaine and sell it to a well-known dealer for $5,000. Let’s just say that things get out of hand as the dealer sings along with “Sister Christian” and “Jesse’s Girl”, all the while getting higher and higher. A combination of fireworks, Russian roulette, and not sticking with the plan make this the most intense scene in the movie.

13. "Bohemian Rhapsody" - Wayne's World

 It’s the movie that introduced Queen’s classic anthem to a new generation. During a nighttime ride in the mirth-mobile the guys gleefully sing along with this amazing song. It’s a moment that was run as a music video on VH1 for years afterward and inspired many similar car rides for me and my friends.

12. "Day-O/The Banana Boat Song" - Beetlejuice

Here’s a scene I would fast forward to as a child, unable to take the anticipation of waiting for it to arrive. When the Deetz’s throw their first dinner party out in the sticks, it becomes clear that their daughter has been telling the truth about the ghosts living upstairs. Before they can start their shrimp cocktail, the entire group of adults is possessed and belts out Harry Belafonte’s classic while performing a choreographed dance. It’s this kind of ridiculous humor that made Beetlejuice a constant fixture in my VHS player.  Also, there’s some fabulous “possessed napkin” work by the cast.

11. First Contact - Close Encounters of the Third Kind

Skip to 5:00 mark for the good part.

Music can be used in a lot of different ways in movies--look no further than the climactic alien encounter in Close Encounters of the Third Kind. When the aliens show up in the final reel they don't beam Richard Dreyfuss aboard or start blowing up monuments. Instead, these aliens communicate with us in the universal language--music. It's a rousing scene with a theme I still get stuck in my head. Remember: bum bum bum BUUM BUUUUUUUUUUM.

10. "Tiny Dancer" - Almost Famous

This really is the seminal movie about loving music. Based on Cameron Crowe’s own teenage adventure touring the country with The Allman Brothers Band, we follow a fifteen year old as he discovers what music really means to a generation and how dysfunctional bands truly are. It’s after a particularly rough night that the band, Stillwater, find themselves riding on a tour bus, bleary eyed and morose until someone begins singing along with Elton John’s “Tiny Dancer”.  By the time the song picks up steam the entire bus is belting it out in a moment of pure joy. It’s at that moment teenage reporter, William confesses, “I have to go home,” only to be told by the object of his affection “you are home.”

9. "Red, White, and Blaine" - Waiting for Guffman

Christopher Guest has accounted for many amazing musical moments in film, from the folk melodies of A Mighty Wind to the must-see master class in comedy, This is Spinal Tap. One of the most rewarding reveals in film, to me, is the final half hour of Waiting for Guffman, when the audience finally gets to experience the musical about Blaine, Missouri that Corky St. Claire has put together. Picking a favorite song is damn near impossible (A Penny for Your Thoughts), so just sit back and experience the entire event.

8. "Putting on the Ritz" - Young Frankenstein

If this scene doesn’t make you laugh, I don’t know what else to say. I could go on about how on top of his game Mel Brooks was in the 70s, or how he had a knack for musical comedy, starting with “Springtime for Hitler” in The Producers. I might even bring up how Gene Wilder is a personal hero of mine or what humor Peter Boyle brings to the monster. I won’t go to the trouble of any of that nonsense, though, because in this scene Victor Frankenstein and his monster suit up and perform “Putting on the Ritz.” That. Is. Comedy.

7. "Johnny B. Goode" - Back to the Future

It wouldn't be a Spoiler Alert list without one reference to either Die Hard or Back to the Future, and you can't do much better than Marty McFly tearing through Chuck Berry's classic at the Enchantment Under the Sea dance. Even though the guitar and vocals were dubbed (guitar by no less than Eddie Van Halen) Michael J. Fox took the extra effort to learn the exact fingerings to go along with the soundtrack. That's commitment that guitar players everywhere can appreciate, especially after years of watching actors do everything short of holding guitars upside down when "playing" them.

6. "Scotty Doesn't Know" - Euro Trip

There’s a good chance you’ve never seen the modern comedic classic Euro Trip, and that’s a shame. Here’s a gem that wasn’t helped one bit by its titular connection to the frat-comedy Road Trip. This genuinely hilarious movie about a pre-college summer trip to Europe boasts one of the greatest cameos of all time. The day our hero, Scotty, graduates from high school he’s dumped by his girlfriend who, it turns out, wasn’t the most loyal of companions. Enter Matt Damon, lead singer of the band playing a post-graduation party, who belts out a song about his hidden romance with Scotty’s less than virginal ex. It’s a witty, catchy song that becomes a wonderful running gag as it pops up again and again in different remixes throughout clubs and ringtones around Europe.

5. "My Little Buttercup" - Three Amigos

The clueless Amigos have walked into a rowdy Mexican bar having no idea that the patrons think them vicious kills instead of the hapless actors they really are. Thinking the barflies are starstruck to be in the presence of the Three Amigos, the guys decide to give everyone a little treat and what follows is amazing. The earnest, goofy dancing of the Amigos matched with the confused, terrified looks on the crowd makes this one of my favorite movie scenes ever.

4. "Dueling Banjos" - Deliverance 

Not many people my age have actually seen Deliverance. When most people think of it, they forget that it’s actually a well-made thriller about a middle-age rafting trip gone horribly wrong as the men are terrorized by backwoods psychos. What sticks in everyone’s mind are two things, Ned Betty squealing like a pig and “Dueling Banjos”. The song arrives early in the movie as the four men stop at a service station before getting to the river and realizing that the locals may not be the kind you want to get mixed up with. While waiting outside picking on his guitar, Ronnie Cox is joined in by young boy sitting on the porch playing banjo. What follows is one of the most out of context scenes in movie history. If you think this is what the rest of the movie will be like, just watch the icy exchange at the end.

3. "Show Me the Way To Go Home" - Jaws

Jaws scared the crap out of me the first time I saw it. To this day, the thought of being caught in open water is terrifying, and while I don’t mind boats, the deep blue sea gives me the willies. After a tense day out on the boat and their first real encounter with the shark, the crew of the Orca have dinner and a few too many. After a horrifying retelling of the USS Indianapolis, the men lighten the mood by singing an old sea shanty. This provides exactly one minute of relief before the shark again begins attacking the ship, but for that one minute the three relax and forget their current situation. So much for levity.

2. "You've Lost That Loving Feeling" - Top Gun

You’re probably seeing a trend of movies from when I was younger, and I’ll admit, I’m pulling from a lot of my childhood here. Maybe movies don’t have great scenes like this anymore—one that Brandon and I have recreated in more than a few bars, with slightly less success. Watching Maverick and Goose warble through a trick they've obviously tried before is one thing, but it really kicks into gear when the entire bar joins in to woo Kelly McGillis. I guess it pays off being the only female on a military base, even if you look like Kelly McGillis.

1. "Heart and Soul/Chopsticks" - Big

The sheer joy that this scene elicits is absurd. You can thank Big for making every idiot who sits down at a piano think he can play, by giving us all a lesson on the two easiest songs in the world. As a child I would wait in anticipation for this scene to come, and then would be happy to turn the movie off when it ended. I know its cliche, but if I were in FAO Schwartz tomorrow, I wouldn't be able to resist reliving the moment from Big on the giant keyboard, with or without Robert Loggia (preferably with).

I Wanna Be Like Mike

            The other day, I happened upon the ESPN 30 for 30 film, Jordan Rides the Bus, which while not as captivating as some of the other films in the series (do yourself a favor and watch The Two Escobars, its amazing), it was still an interesting look at the time of basketball legend Michael Jordan’s life where he gave up the court and attempted to become a baseball player.  The film goes into the medley of reasons that the greatest basketball player of all time (piss off Kobe and LeBron fans!) decided to reach so far out of his element; most thought it was his recent father’s murder, which did play a large part, but I maintain it was Jordan’s intense competitive nature that in the end robbed the Bulls of at least two, maybe even three more trophies.

The thing about seeing Jordan in his prime was that it made me remember a time when we knew nothing bad about the guy.  He was the ultimate sports icon and EVERYBODY loved him.  We didn’t know about the infidelity that eventually led to his divorce, or the fact that his legendary competitive drive routinely caused him massive gambling debts because he couldn’t bring himself to walk away from a losing hand.  He was the purest image in sports, synonymous with the word “champion,” and a cash cow for any company lucky enough to have him be the face of their product.  Jordan was so revered that in the summer of 1991, Gatorade, easily the most popular sports drink in the world, crafted an advertising campaign based not on the proven efficiency of their product to deliver electrolytes and colored sugar water into your system, or even their dominance in the marketplace; instead their whole campaign was based upon Jordan’s likeability (and profitability) in the iconic “Be Like Mike” add campaign.

 “Its Jordan, who gives a rat’s about what your product does!

Everyone over the age of twenty-five remembers this campaign, as not only is the song itself is a catchy jingle (“Sometimes I dream, that he is me. You have to see that’s how I dream to be…”), but by the end of its run, it was so popular that they actually got Larry Bird to be in a commercial touting the greatness of his former on-court nemesis, while he was coaching the Pacers against Michael and the Bulls in the NBA Eastern Conference Finals!  That is the level of devotion and national reverence America had for number 23 (and later 45) at this time in our history.

And so, in honor of the great Michael Jordan (Space Jam, 1996), I’m delving into the archives of my memory and bringing you my top ten Michaels in the world of film:

The editors of SpoilerAlert Podcast would like to note that Brando is going to be naming roles where the character is named Michael in various films and is not actually discussing the greatest actors named Michael.  When we mentioned to Brando that actually listing actors would be a better idea than just naming the best characters named Michael, he locked us on the roof of our offices and has yet to let us back in. 

Seriously, we could really use some food up here.

The Top Ten Michaels in Film:

10. Mikey (Michelangelo)  - Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles - 1990

Played by Michelan Sisti, voiced by Robbie Rist

            What’s not to love about a fun-loving mutant turtle that can kick major ass and knows the value of a good pizza? Spawned from an underground comic book and then parlayed into a cultural icon, the Turtles where everywhere in the nineties; from toys to cartoons, these guys dominated every pop culture aspect on the landscape and they succeeded in bringing Cowabunga back into the American lexicon.  And while Leo was the leader and Ralph had the attitude, Mikey was always everybody’s favorite when the chips came down.  When the film was released in 1990, it quickly became the highest grossing independent film of all time, and with the heart that Jim Henson’s shop gave these characters its no mystery why. 

Best Line: “God, I love being a TURTLE!!”

Drawback: By the nature of the ensemble cast and the origin story weighing down the plot, Mikey does the best he can with what little actual screen time he gets.

9. Commander Mike Metcalf (Call Sign ‘Viper’) – Top Gun – 1986

Played by Tom Skerritt

            When it debuted, Top Gun not only vaulted everyone in it into the stratosphere of stardom, it also served as the best recruitment film the Navy ever took part in (seriously, the Navy would set up recruiting stations outside of theaters in order to sign young men all hopped up on the adrenaline of the movie). And while plenty can be said for the aerial photography, and the badass soundtrack, what gives this movie the heart that it has is Viper guiding Maverick through the story.  Their scene when Viper finally reveals the truth about his dad is one of my all time favorite scenes (and it had a pathos that this flick usually doesn’t get credit for), and its Viper that delivers the confidence that Maverick covets from the opening credits on.

Best Line: “Maverick, you’ll get your REO when you get to your ship.  And if you don’t, give me a call.  I’ll fly with you.”

Drawback: Viper himself doubts Maverick the entire film, until all of the sudden he doesn’t.

8. Sgt. Mike Horvath – Saving Private Ryan – 1998

Played by Tom Sizemore

            Before he was known as the walking punch line that loved his drugs and dated Hollywood’s Madame (actually he was doing both of these during filming), Tom Sizemore was a known action/tough guy actor that actually had some acting chops.  So good was he that Spielberg thought enough of him to cast him as the supporting character in his WWII opus that went on to redefine how war movies were to be made.  There are so many wonderful performances in this film that I could do a whole other article about it alone (who knew Edward Burns and Vin Diesel, yes Vin Diesel, could be that good?), but when Tom Hanks is holding court in a Steven Spielberg film, you know everyone’s going to bring their A-game. And holding it all together is Sizemore’s gruff but lovable platoon sergeant that cares about the mission first and getting home second.  I really can’t say enough about his performance in this film and if you’ve never seen it, you’re living you’re life wrong.

Best Line: “Someday we might look back on this and decide that saving Private Ryan was the one decent thing we were able to pull out of this whole god-awful, shitty mess.”

Drawback: Sizemore’s delivery during the first half of the film is a lot more like a modern guy playing a historical figure than his natural cadence in the later reels.

7. Michael Corben – If Looks Could Kill – 1991

Played by Richard Grieco

            I’m gonna take crap for putting this role so high up on this list, and if you are a naysayer, then guess what? You need to watch this movie again.  James Bond has been wrecking shop for decades and rightfully so; but back in ’91 this movie snuck out of Hollywood and turned the spy genre on its ear.  The concept of this flick is every teenager’s fantasy: Michael is on a class trip to Paris when he gets mistaken for a secret agent and spends the rest of the movie living a tongue-in-cheek parody of a Bond film; complete with hot chicks, fast cars, automatic weapons, and a Lotus Esprit. The nature of Michael’s confusion over the situation plays to Grieco’s strengths as an actor, as his best trick is being good looking and not saying too much; but it’s when he finally understands what is going on and jumps in whole-heartedly that this flick really takes off.

Best Line: “Easy on the jacket, this is an A-Bologna suit!”

Drawback: Unfortunately, they do let Greico (and a very young Gabrielle Anwar) try and act during some of the exposition scenes.

6. Michael Gallager – The Absence of Malice – 1981

Played by Paul Newman

            Paul Newman is a badass.  Period.  Steve McQueen gets the credit for being the icon of cool, but Newman can run that play and still has acting talent to boot.  His inevitable Oscar for The Color of Money was an obvious nod to the royal shafting he got for not winning for The Verdict, which is one of the best performances of all time; but nothing diminishes the legacy of Newman in the history of film. This film, while not one of Newman’s most known, is famous for bringing Wilfred Brimley to America’s attention as he plays the no nonsense Assistant US Attorney Wells who shows up in the final reel to set everyone straight (a part that he later spoofed as the Postmaster General in an episode of Seinfeld)  But it’s the anguish that Newman’s Gallager feels over his innocent friend getting dragged into the machinery of a newspaper investigation that pushes this film further and further into our collective memory. 

Best Line: “I’m Michael Gallager. I want to know where this story came from.”

Drawback: Great as they are apart, Newman and Sally Field have a hard time generating genuine chemistry for most of the film.

5. Michael Sullivan – Road to Perdition – 2002

Played by Tom Hanks

            Sam Mendes’ luscious love letter to the gangster genre was packed with powerhouse performances (again with the Newman!), but once again, the world’s nicest man and possibly greatest living actor, showed up and carried the entire picture.  Based off of the graphic novel Lone Wolf and Cub, this film follows the story of a father and son on the run from the mob, trying to avenge the death of their family and still be able to live in peace at the end. Hanks’ portrayal of the haunted Sullivan is tempered with just enough light moments to make us root for him, but also anchored with enough menace for us to understand why everyone fears him.  From the unfeeling mafia soldier he is in the beginning of the film to the reluctantly violent father that is desperate to save his last child in the end, Hanks embodies Sullivan with enough vitality to make us remember that the guy can literally play any role. And he does it all with a tenth grader’s mustache living on his face the entire time.

Best Line: “The name’s Sullivan, you want me to spell it?”

(Honorable Mention: “Michael might.” – in response to Rooney telling him that none of them were eve going to get to Heaven.)

Drawback: Hanks has to spend most of the movie playing off a ten year old boy, and at times the dialogue is very, very minimal.

4. Michael J. ‘Crocodile’ Dundee – Crocodile Dundee – 1986

Played by Paul Hogan

            Am I the only one that thinks that the entire continent of Australia owes this guy some sort of national holiday? Co-written by Hogan himself, this flick single handedly paved the way for all of America to fall in love with the outback (and if you think I’m kidding around, check out the ad campaign Hogan did with the Subaru Outback or the fact that Outback Steakhouse has absolutely no ties to Australia at all). Taking the fish out of water idea to new heights, this film puts the American reporter (played by Linda Kozlowski, who later became Hogan’s wife) out of her element in the bush, and then takes the hero of the piece and drops him into a pre-Giuliani cleaned up  New York City. The result is not only really funny, but also incredibly endearing and it all works because Hogan’s earnestness is in top form from beginning to end. 

Best Line: “That’s not a knife. Now that’s a knife.”

(Honorable Mention: “G’day! Name’s Mick Dundee from Australia. In town for a few days, probably see you around.” – to a random New Yorker on the street)     
   

Drawback: At the end of the day, this character is really only a novelty; a fact that they drove home with two lackluster sequels.

3. Mike McDermott – Rounders – 1998

Played by Matt Damon

            Ushering in my generations’ obsession with no limit Texas Hold ‘Em; this film is a worthy entry into the gambler genre of film.  When we meet Mike, he’s a busted out loser that is living the straight life, trying to remember how he lost it all in one card game.  By the time Edward Norton’s Worm is left in a parking lot and Mike has to go back into Teddy KGB’s place and face his demons, we’re rooting for him so hard that we no longer care that the film is shot beautifully or that every supporting character is fully fleshed out.  What makes us love Mike so much is that even though he spends the whole film trying to please everyone, by the time he gets back to where he started from, his biggest achievement is that he’s finally at peace with himself.  From losing his girlfriend to paying off the one person that believed in him enough to back him financially, Mike’s greatest triumph is that by the time the credits role he doesn’t owe anyone anything.

Best Line: “Listen, here’s the thing. If you can’t spot the sucker at your first half hour at the table, then you are the sucker.”

(Honorable Mention: “I’m sorry John, I don’t remember.”)

Drawback: Mike’s purposefully controlled response to everything that happens regulates Damon to being the straight man in almost every scene.

2. Michael Clayton – Michael Clayton – 2007

Played by George Clooney

            Very few films come along and take us deeply into the motivations of the main character as well and as quickly as this one does.  Shot in a non-linear, four day flashback, Tony Gilroy’s masterpiece fully explores how far one man can ignore the truth before he finally succumbs to it.  Set against the high powered world of corporate litigation, and boasting one of the most razor sharp scripts to ever see the light of day, this film grabs you by the throat with its dense and wordy introduction, and then leaves you breathless with the shocking end.  In fact, this film proves that you don’t need gunfights or intense chase sequences to qualify as a thriller.  Clooney plays the part of Clayton with such a disenfranchised detachment that its easy to see how he’s letting himself slip further and further into the methods of his job, and hasn’t question his place in a very long time.  However, once the moment arrives that he can no longer deny the world he inhabits, or his role in it, we all understand why he can’t stand by and just make sure that business as usual proceeds (other than his ‘holy-crap-that-was-awesome’ performance in Syriana, he’s never been better).  And as much as I could say about the supporting cast (Tilda Swinton won an Oscar for her performance), this whole movie flies on the wings of a phenomenal script.

Best Line: “There’s no play here. There’s no angle. There’s no champagne room. I’m not a miracle worker, I’m a janitor. The math on this is simple; the smaller the mess, the easier it is for me to clean up.”

(Honorable Mention: “You need to stop and think this through. I will help you think this through. I will find someone to help you think this through. Don’t do this. You’re making it easy for them.”)

Drawback: As good as Clooney was in this, and he was; it was Tom Wilkinson’s performance as Arthur Edens that stole the show from absolutely everyone in sight. On a personal note, it is a shame that he had to go up against Heath Ledger’s flawless turn as The Joker at the same Academy Awards. Any other year, and he would’ve won hands down.

1. Michael Corleone – The Godfather Trilogy – 1972, 1974, 1990

Played by Al Pacino

            Easily the most complete character on this list (and maybe one of the most fleshed out characters in all of film), Michael Corleone’s rise and fall is perhaps the greatest story arch in the history of motion pictures (Suck it Anakin!).  When we meet him in the first film, he’s a war hero that is desperate to convince his beloved Kay that he is not the same as his criminal family and wants a better life.  However, once his father’s life is threatened, Michael jumps not only into the middle of the action, but ends up becoming the heir to his father’s throne. By the time the second film comes around, he’s the undisputed head of the Corleone Family and it isn’t until it is too late that he realizes he’ll never go back.  Literally there can not be enough said about how great the first two films are, and it is unfortunate that they all got back together for The Godfather Part III: The Quest For More Money.  Within that film, however, there is a scene or two that services the story of Michael Corleone, and treats us all with the logical conclusion to how a life such as this plays out.  Pacino (who has never been better, even though at times in his career has tried to emulate this performance) inhabits Michael with so much passion that we support every single, horrible decision that he makes, and we know the twisted motivations that make him choose these tactics.  Aside from Apocalypse Now, Coppola didn’t do much else right, but boy did he nail this one.

Best Line: “Today I settle all family business.” – The Godfather

“I know it was you Fredo, and it broke my heart.” – The Godfather Part II

“Just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in.” – The Godfather Part III

(Honorable Mention: “My father taught me many things in this room. He taught me that you keep your friends close. And keep your enemies closer.”)

Drawback: The wet fart of a turd that the third film was.

Honorable Mentions:

Mike Lowry – Bad Boys – 1995 – Will Smith

Michael Collins – Michael Collins – 1996 – Liam Neeson

Michael Cheritto – Heat – 1995 – Tom Sizemore

Michael Meyers – Halloween – 1978 – Tony Moran

Dishonorable Mention:

Michael – Michael – 1996 – John Travolta

(What a piece of crap this thing was!)

            I suppose it would be unfair of me to not include a nod to the man that inspired this article, so once again…

 Thank you Michael Jordan, I still wanna ‘Be Like Mike’.

This one’s for you Eric

- Brando