Kyle Ranks the Star Wars Movies

It's worse than you think!

With last week’s stunning revelation that the Disney Corporation had purchased Lucasfilm from that turkey-necked madman, George Lucas, for $4.1 billion dollars the entire internet was thrown into a heated debate over what this could mean for the future of the Star Wars franchise. Was the four decade reign of terror by what increasingly seemed like a sophisticated cyborg sent back in time to destroy everything nerds hold dear finally over? Was this just the beginning of a new chapter in mind-bendingly insane cinematic decisions? Is Mickey Mouse still as irrelevant and boring as he was when I was a child? I think before we get too excited about the future of the Star Wars universe we should take a brief look at where the franchise has been, and how else to do that than the tried and true internet method of making a snarky list! Huzzah!

1.) Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back

Obviously if you’re ranking Star Wars movies, you have to put Empire at the top. I would’t be legally allowed to post this on the interwebs without touting the second outing as the cream of the crop when it comes to exotic space operas. Lucas took a back seat for this installment and let Leigh Brackett and Lawrence Kasdan handle the writing duties, while Irvin Kershner took over as director. Hmmm…that couldn’t factor into Empire being the best of the six, could it?  Granted, Kasdan helped Lucas write Jedi, but come on, I mean, Ewoks. Ewoks people!? If the first movie serves as an introduction to this universe the second fleshes the world out tenfold. The audience travels to multiple new worlds, meets exciting new character (none of which get a song and dance number), and is treated to a plot twist that would make M. Night Shyamalan’s head spin. When it comes to heart, action, and Muppets, you can’t beat Empire. 

 He's no Kermit, but he'll do in a pinch.

2.) Episode IV: A New Hope

Or as anyone born before 1995 knows it, Star Wars. If you’d believe the plaid, bearded one, Star Wars was the little movie that could. Filmed for bubble gum and trading cards, without the full support of its studio*, Star Wars was instantly a cultural phenomenon that I don’t remember because I wasn’t born for another five years.

*Pictured above: Studio apathy

The world was introduced to a young, Aryan farm boy and his two gay robot pals as they searched the galaxy with a criminal and an old man for the only woman alive who turned out to be his sister. As you can see, this movie had very wide appeal.

3.) Episode VI: Return of the Jedi

I go back and forth with Jedi. For one, getting out of Jabba’s clutches at the beginning takes a little too long for my taste and at a point feels like they’re padding the running time. It’s also pretty undeniable that the Ewoks are a frightening omen of thing to come for our beloved franchise, as Lucas delved deeper into merchandising opportunities and less into things that make any damn sense on screen. We are also treated to some fantastic ret-conning when Luke finds out the only girl he’s ever gotten to first base with is also his sister. Don’t worry, they’re kids’ movies! Jedi can’t be completely written off though as the last 45 minutes to half hour are among some of the most strong moments in the series. Also, this happens:

Please don't get up.

4.) Episode III: Revenge of the Sith

Spike TV is making it their mission that I never forget the prequels happened, and the reason that I know when people say, “Sith was actually pretty good” what they actually mean is, “I’ve passed my usefulness as a person”. From the cartoon action sequences to the most ham-fisted disappointing introduction of the galaxy’s prime badass at the end, they’re no doubt that something horrible is in the water at Skywalker Ranch. Only the bloated, hour and a half (probably) fight on Planet Steel Mill at the end pushes this movie just past crime against humanity to unwatchable.

 Yesssssss!

5.) Episode II: Attack of the Clones

I don’t remember this movie despite seeing it in the theater twice. That doesn’t bode well. I know what Yoda turns into a cartoon and this happens though:

Talk about your wardrobe malfunction! I'll let myself out.

6.) Episode I: The Phantom Menace

With almost two decades to stew in the possibility of a new entry in the Star Was saga anticipation had reached a fever pitch in the late 90’s. With the simple act of releasing the title of the first in three new movies a collective “huh?” fell over a confused nation. In hindsight, the title makes perfect sense. The Phantom Menace is the Emperor posing as the senator guy…that or it’s the racist alien caricatures with the weird eyes. Maybe the Phantom Menace is the ever-present threat of government control. I’d say it’s Jar Jar, but there wasn’t much phantom about that menace. Meesa was going to try and get through this without mentioning the lizard horse Jamaican, but it’s proven to be impossible. I guess I’ll just let this serve as my argument against him:

Don't worry Liam, in a few years you'll be in Batman Begins.

Phantom Menace marks the point where all things fun about the original movies was forgotten and replaced with CGI, lengthy discussions on trade negotiations, and confusingly bad child acting.

 Weeeeee!

The Star Wars movies (sixilogy) serve as a beautiful example of a franchise reaching groundbreaking cinematic highs and crushing cultural lows. Let’s hope that by wrestling control from the all-knowing Creator, the Star Wars saga can get back on track since apparently it’s not just going to fade away like we’d all really like it to.

Pixar Podcast

It’s that time of year again…Kyle and Brandon conned Brad into letting them into his house to record another podcast! This time the dynamic duo count down their favorite Pixar movies while only causing minimal damage to Brad's place. Will they agree on anything? Not likely. Will they knock back a few beers and tell inappropriate jokes? You bet! Pull up a chair, strap in, and enjoy as the guys argue about the important issues facing us today—namely, why are Woody and Buzz so much cooler than those stupid Cars?

Leave your comments below and let us know which you think is the best. Make sure you agree with Kyle!

Pixar Podcast

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Spider-Man Trilogy Podcast

Okay kids, it's time to suck in your gut, pull on the tights, and set your watch to New York time because the Spoiler Alert guys are back with a brand new, super-sized podcast. In these trying times Brandon and Kyle take to the airwaves once more and tackle the tough issues...namely, why did Spider-Man 3 swing itself right into the side of a building? It's almost a full hour devoted to the cinematic exploits of the world's most famous web-slinger. Grab yourself a stout drink (I know they did) and get ready for the Spider-Man Podcast.

After the Spoiler Alert crew has dazzled you, and Brandon has convinced you that our nation has never faced a greater threat than the exploits of James Franco, head down to the comments section and leave us your thoughts. Also don't forget that you can always email us at spoileralertpodcast@gmail.com.

In case anyone is wondering why some of the references in the podcast seem a little dated, we recorded this baby back in September. Sorry...we are the world's biggest procrastinators. 

Right click the link below to save the file to your computer or simply click to listen in your browser:

Spider-Man Podcast


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Spider-Man Podcast

Brandon’s Top Five Monologues in Film

Let’s move past the obvious choices for this category (Marc Antony’s funeral address in Julius Ceasar, William Wallace extolling his troops in Braveheart, Maximus’ reveal in Gladiator, etc…), and take a look at some of the unsung monologues in film. These are five that I absolutely love and personally, I don’t think they get the props they deserve. As always, there are SPOILERS and of course, your thoughts are appreciated.

S.L.C. Punk: Steve-O’s rant to his parents.

Perhaps not this author’s favorite cup of tea, especially prior to broadening my horizons in the world of film, I’ve never been partial to the punk trend and tend to think anyone who follows it to the extremes of detriment to their health and safety is an idiot; it’s a safe bet that I had no interest in seeing this film upon its release. In retrospect however, I’m so glad that I did. Matthew Lillard displays acting chops that few knew he had in this film, and brings a humble likeability to a character that so easily could have been nothing more than a bullying, leather-studded Ferris Bueller knock-off.

And it’s this scene when he really struts his stuff, presenting us his argument to the modern day notions about maturity, success, and following your destiny. While his parents are urging him to grow up and act more like them, he blatantly takes apart their cultural values and career plans in rapid fire succession, and then lays it out with the killer finish, “Don’t get me wrong Mom and Dad, I love you. But I’m 18 and for the first time in my life I can say this, F**K YOOOOU!!!!!”

A Few Good Men: Col. Jessep’s justification for his actions.

It would only stand to serve that this list include one monologue written by Aaron Sorkin, the dialogue master of the Brandon Universe (yeah, I’m trying it out). This film will be forever remembered for the tagline that got this speech going (“You can’t handle the truth!”) but that is just the beginning to one of Nicholson’s finest performances. Lt. Kaffee has pushed Col. Jessep to the point of rage on the witness stand, just as he planned to do, and he gives Jessep all the rope he needs to hang himself.

But in what could have been a simple moment where the good guys’ legal maneuvering works, Nicholson takes the brilliance of Sorkin’s dialogue and ratchets it up a few notches. By seething with anger at the impudent little punks that should rightfully show him gratitude for the job that he performs, Jessep lays out the logic that got the victim killed in the first place. The scary part, half way through the rant you begin to nod your head and start to agree with him, wondering who the hell Kaffee is to ask the man his business. Crackling with energy and the acting that has given Nicholson his numerous Academy Awards, this monologue represents him at his best.

25th Hour: Monty Brogan’s speech to the bathroom mirror:

Spike Lee’s love letter to post 9-11 New York City is a wonderfully brooding character study about one man’s desperate night before his seven year incarceration begins in the morning. Weaving Edward Norton’s (who’s never been better) Monty Brogan through a night out with friends, an investigation into who sold him out to the authorities, and the very un-Spike Lee ambiguous ending of whether or not his dad helped him escape the prison sentence, we are given a true sense of Brogan’s desperation to avoid what he knows is his fate.

But right in the middle of it all, there’s this little scene that showcases his disgust with it all. Brogan heads to the restroom, and spots some profanity on the wall, and (taking full use of Norton’s range as an actor) he lashes out against every single New York conventional stereotype he can think of in one blistering monologue. Cursing everyone from the criminals on the streets to the politicians in office; the religious figures around the city to the wanna-be gangsters hanging out in Bensonhurst, he curses them all. And finally, showing his true opinion of himself, he looks deep into the mirror and once and for all curses himself.

First Blood: John Rambo’s lament to Col. Troutman in the Police Station:

To most people today Sylvester Stallone is an aging action star that is beginning to stay at the party a little bit longer than he should. Sure, Rocky Balboa was great, and it took us all back to that time when Rocky was still a character that was in good movies, but he vastly over-shot on Rambo, and is threatening even the most forgiving of fan’s allegiance with the “The Expendables.” But before he was all these things, he was actually an actor. In fact, he was a good one, willing to take on darker roles and try and do real acting instead of just letting his biceps carry the show.

Case in point, this gut wrenching scene at the finale of what would become the birth of an American Icon. As he was written, John Rambo was a rather unsympathetic character who eventually crosses the line from war victim over to psychotic urban terrorist, and in the book the film was based upon, he sees his inability to fit in this world and takes his own life to escape it. But in the film version (for a variety of reasons), Col. Troutman, his only ally arrives to talk him down and is successful in breaking through the training-brainwashed soldier and is allowed a glimpse of the horror of this man’s experience. Several great lines hit below the belt (It was your war! You asked me, I didn’t ask you!) but its the emotional heap this unfeeling superman becomes that is what grabs you so tightly, and refuses to let go. Naysayers are going to say that Stallone’s poor pronunciation takes away from this moment, but I argue that the rawness of him stumbling over the material actually makes the scene work.

J.F.K.: X’s exposition to Garrison at the D.C. Mall:

Forget the fact that it almost a complete fabrication, forget the fact that its chocked full of false editing to support it, and especially forget the fact that John Williams’ music could make reading the phone book riveting. Donald Sutherland’s (in a “who knew he could do this?” performance) mythical “X” simply shows up and just starts talking to Jim Garrison. At first its rapid fire military history, mostly the who, what, and where of the past ten years or so of black operations that he participated in. The next thing you know, he’s laying out the evidence of the very conspiracy that Garrison has been desperately trying to discover.

This monologue works so well on so many fronts mainly because of Sutherland’s almost monotone delivery and also because of two key moments. The first is when X pauses and then begins the second half of the monologue (originally written as two scenes, but wisely grafted into one), and hits the audience with the killer line “Very, very few people know about this, alright?” After a five minute barrage of facts, this little line sneaks in and completely grabs our attention. You actually think that you’re about to be given a classified secret from a Hollywood film. The second moment is once X has laid out the entire conspiracy from Vice President Johnson on down the military hierarchy, he gives his second chronological piece of evidence, “In September, the Texas trip is announced. Second Oswalds start popping up all over the place.” Sutherland’s delivery is impeccable, but its Costner’s slight head turn and pause while taking the notes that sells this moment. This is the confirmation of Garrison’s theory about multiple Oswalds that has been floating around his head, and he’s finally gotten the confirmation that he has been looking for. For the rest of the monologue, Garrison can only sit and absorb the information that washes over him. It’s easily my favorite monologue in film (not to mention the scene this movie needed to explain itself and its theories) and I say it gets bonus points for Garrison’s demoralizing revelation that he’s way out of his league and X giving him that little encouragement “… the truth is on your side, Bubba. I just hope you get a break.”

As always, thanks for stopping by.

Brandon’s Top 10 Television Moments

I’ve chosen only to highlight scripted television moments, and not things like UT winning the  '05 National Championship or the ‘96 Summer Olympics.

(And before Miles throws his yoga mat at me, there’s no Falcon Crest on this list.  Just… deal with it!)

10. Wings - Joe pleads for Helen to marry him.

The entire set up of this sitcom is that Joe and Helen are going to get together.  But when she meets Davis, a rich tycoon that was thinking of investing in Sandpiper, she is totally enthralled, and Joe gallantly bows out.  But when push comes to shove (and after they have that awkward “I know you’re marrying someone else, but lets have sex anyway” moment), Joe gets off his ass and follows her to New York to profess his love.  What follows is one of the most honest scenes network TV has ever delivered. Best line: “Marrying him?  Having kid with him?  Dammit Helen, that’s our marriage, and those are our kids.”

9. Sports Night - Sam takes on the network brass.

Brought in to help the show’s failing ratings, William H. Macey’s Sam was a pariah from the beginning.  Starting with his introduction of being mean to everyone and not caring about their input for the show, Sam is set up as character that we will all love to hate.  But then comes this scene, where he not only tells the story of two of the greatest innovative thinkers of all time, but also tells the network brass exactly where the hands of time have come to rest.  Grand-standing on network TV is usually horrible, but this one takes the cake.  Best line: “In case you think I’m just mouthing at ya, you should ask around about me.  I have absolutely no conscience about these kinds of things.” after he tells them that if they ever disrespect his boss again, he’ll take them down.

8. Quantum Leap - Sam does right by Al.

The genius of this show is that it was “one man, trying to put right what once went wrong” and there were so many moments of this show that shined (honestly, almost every episode had a cliffhanger moment). But in the series finale, Sam realized that the one thing that he should’ve put right, he didn’t and he gets the chance to fix that mistake.  Being the only time in the series that he leaps into a situation as himself and not another person, Sam goes back to Al’s fiancee's house in 1961 and tells her that Al will survive the war and make it back, so she shouldn’t marry anyone else.  For his best friend, he’ll do this, just because it’s the right thing to do.  Best line: the card at the end of the series that said “Dr. Sam Beckett never returned home.” after we learn that Sam controls the leaping and can quit at anytime that he feels he’s done enough. 

7. Batman: The Animated Series - The opening.

It was this little show that thought it could, and thanks to Bruce Timm and Paul Dini it did.  But in the wake of Tim Burton’s take on Batman, this show arrived and truly demonstrated who Batman was.  And in this ninety second opening (which was actually the concept preview that they showed to the network brass), it tells us everything that we ever needed to know about the Dark Knight.  Batman shows up and dispatches two thugs in quick succession.  No thrills, no gimmicks, just Batman doing what it is that he does.  Flawless.  Best line: the fact that there’s no dialogue at all in this entire thing.

6. Cheers - Sam says goodbye to Diane.

This series existed to show that an intellectual waitress and a washed up baseball player could make it work.  But with Shelly Long departing for a film career, the integrity of the character had to be serviced.  Once Sam knows that he’s lost her, he looks at the love of his life and says the only thing he can, “Have a good life.”  When she refutes that with her promise that she’ll be back in six months, we all see what Sam knows.  She won’t be back, and there’s nothing that he can do to change that fact.  Best line: “Have a good life” after she’s walked out of the bar and reality has settled in on him.

5. Seinfeld - The final retrospective.

Not only did we get a glimpse into that mad world that was basically four characters doing nothing, we got a send off that surpassed all of our expectations.  We got to see these actors fleshing out these roles (not to mention one of the greatest outtake reels in all of television history), and we got to relive a show that had been part of our lives for nine years.  I still remember the announcer saying, “Thank you Seinfeld, for nine wonderful years” and agreeing wholeheartedly with that statement.  Best line: a photographic timeline of the show set to GreenDay’s “I hope you had the time of your life.”

4. The West Wing - Toby rails at Bartlett.

My personal favorite show could have all the entries on this list, but this is the one that stands the test of time.  Not only is Toby Ziegler reeling from learning the truth about Bartlett’s illness, but he’s also the only character that processes the magnitude of the fraud that Bartlett has committed.  Taking full range of Richard Schiff’s skills and Aaron Sorkin’s writing, this scene allows someone to dress Bartlett down for the crimes that he’s committed.  Rarely does a show let its best character be crucified, and this one did it best. Best line: “For ninety minutes, there was a coup d’état in this country!”

3. Saturday Night Live - Post 9/11 Monologue.

After the horror of the 9/11 terrorist attacks, New York was reeling from a feeling that no one had ever felt.  Hurt, afraid, and unbelievably sad, these people had to wake up everyday and confront that situation, and not from CNN where most of us got it, but from their own street corner.  And then came this little moment from the SNL gang that hit us perfectly.  Standing on the SNL stage with members of the NYPD and the NYFD, Lorne  Michaels and Rudy Giuliani made it ok for us to laugh again, because in all honesty, isn’t that better than anything?  Best line: Lorne asking the Mayor of New York City, “Can we be funny?” and Giuliani’s pitch perfect response to the moment, “Why start now?”

2. Glee - Sue’s sister.

I haven’t cried about something on a screen in over nineteen years, but this little scene grabbed me harder than anything I’d seen in years.  Anyone who’s seen Jayne Lynch’s Emmy Award winning portrayal of Sue, the Cheerio’s coach, knows that she’s a manipulative person that will always twist everything to her benefit.  That’s why this story line is so compelling, after going head to head with Matthew Morrison’s Mr. Shu, she shows us her motivation: that handicapped people should be treated like everyone else, and she knows where of she speaks.  Best line: “My sister’s famous!”

1. Scrubs - Ben’s funeral.

This show reveled in the fantasy, and for most of the time, it was all in J.D.’s head so that we could see his world through his eyes.  However, this little moment just jumped up and grabbed us harder than we ever thought possible.  After a series of mishaps lets Perry ride J.D. about a mistake, his best friend Ben convinces him to let the kid off the mat, and forgive himself in the process.  But its at that final moment when Perry turns to J.D. and asks him why he didn’t bring a camera to his son’s birthday that we realize that we’ve spent the entire episode inside Perry’s fantasy, and that he’s agonizing over the death of his best friend. Best Line “Where do you think we are?” in response to Perry’s camera question, as they head to Ben’s funeral.

Gotta go Back in Time with Back to the Future

Hallelujah and go tell it on the mountain, it's Podcast #3! This time the Spoiler Guys strap into the DeLorean and head all the way back to 1985 to break down Back to the Future. For added fun this week, play the Spoiler Alert drinking game with your friends. It's easy, every time Brandon or Kyle say the word "rape", you take a drink!

Also, after you listen to the podcast help the guys settle an argument and post your thoughts on actress Mary Steenburgen in the comments section below--do you love her, hate her or don't care either way?




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Back to the Future Podcast

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New Podcast On the Way!

Hey, fellow movie nerds. Sorry it's been so long since our last post and even longer since the Spoiler Crew has graced the interwebs with a new podcast. Rest assured, faithful listeners, a new podcast is "in the can" as we professionals say and almost ready to be unleashed upon your patiently waiting ears. As for our delay, I can only blame the wicked amount of partying we've been doing with our favorite professors.

While I head back to Hogwarts to get my party on, check out this list of Brandon's favorite trailers, and, as always, leave your thoughts in the comments below.

-K

Brandon’s Top 5 Movie Trailers

(Excluding The Dark Knight, b/c I feel like I talk about that movie enough):

 

Phenomenon:

From the easily graspable premise, George Malley sees a light in the sky and then can learn Portuguese in 20 minutes, to its likeable star (Travolta, still in his “Thank God Tarantino plucked me from obscurity, I’m happy just to be working!” jovial best), this trailer went fast and furious.  The townspeople (basically out of Central Casting) are a pretty predictable lot, but George’s inner circle of friends, from Forrest Whitaker as the best buddy to Kyra Sedgwick (Kayla Kaiser) as the love interest, show that he’s got a real heart and that we will like him as much as they do.  However, it was a little song from Enya, “Book of Days” that carries this trailer from simple movie fair to greatness on the wings of its quick pacing and great vocals.  

Three Kings:

If ever there was a trailer that used the smash cut to perfection this was it.  From its glaring opening to the final shot, almost the entire story arch and character development was shown in two minutes.  Clooney and the gang (including Mark Walburg, proving that Boogie Nights wasn’t a fluke) take off for gold, grab some refugees and become real people, all set to the redo of “There’s Something Happening Here”.  By the end of this thing, you know that this is going to be a very different kind of film.  Bonus points for the dialogue during the actors’ individual shots: Clooney defiantly demanding of his superior, “Tell me what we did here!” and Walburg’s pitch perfect, “You choose who we take, and you tell the others that its not convenient and they’re just gonna have to die.”

Star Wars: Episode One – The Phantom Menace:

Despite the fact that this movie went on to become the cautionary tail for any director who believes they can come back to the well and pick up the money years after the fact (Wes Craven, I’m talking to you!), there was a moment in 1999 when a trailer made you get so giddy that you couldn’t stand it.  The lights dimmed, the beginning of John Williams too-bitchin-for-words score begins and then you hear Vader’s respirator and all of the sudden you’re a kid again.  And okay, if you looked fast enough, you began to see the beginnings of Lucas’ obsession with CGI and how it will ruin his legacy, but at that moment the pod race looked cool, Neeson and Portman looked like they belonged in that world, and best of all they nailed, NAILED the look of the previous Star Wars films.  If only…

Sonny:

I’ll give you a minute to quit hyperventilating.

                        (BEAT)

Okay, like before, forget the fact that this film was absolute crap on film.  And I mean it, in no time in my life have I actually TRIED to give away a film as hard as I tried to chuck this sucker, so I know how bad this movie is.  But this list is about trailers and there is one very good reason why I saw a movie about a male prostitute (eww) staring James Franco (who I couldn’t stand at the time) directed by Nicolas Cage (who I still loath).  That reason is this trailer.  Beginning with a redo of “Ring of Fire” we meet Sonny, his mom, the ladies around town who can’t wait to sleep with him, and then Mina Survari as the potential love interest.  With three or four poignant moments in the trailer (including what I still consider a great line, “I just don’t want to get old and have nothing to show for it.”) you get the sense that these are real people; and by the time “Take a Walk On the Wild Side” begins, you’re enthralled with this guy’s story and the redemption that he is about to go through.  It would have worked too, if Nic Cage wasn’t such an idiot and hadn’t have really just wanted to direct a straight-to-video soft porn so he could just revel in the vice.

Ransom:

Totally forget Mel Gibson’s current status as an insane scumbag, and remember that this was a post Braveheart time where he was still the bitchin’est  guy in Hollywood.  We get this snapshot of successful Tom Mullen with his wife (Rene Russo, yay!) and son, and their affluent but loving life in Manhattan. And boom goes the dynamite. “I have your son.” Suddenly Ron Howard directs action flicks, and we get Mel going postal on the people that stole the one thing you don’t steal from him.  And then the twist, Mel goes on television and offers the ransom money as a bounty on the kidnapper’s head.  This trailer was a marvel of suspense, every line blended into the next shot perfectly, and it never let up (which was kind of a let down during the actual dialogue heavy film).  Bonus points for the raw vulnerability of the characters during the beginning as Gibson and Russo are both shown losing it to the authorities several times.  And the pitch perfect ending, with Mel Gibson screaming into the phone (and we all know how scary that can be), “GIVE ME BACK MY SON!”