Brandon's Top 15 Christmas Movies

Brandon decided to get in on the fun. Let us know what you think of his obviously wrong choices! -K

Brandon’s Top Christmas Movies:

In honor of the cooperative spirit that dominates over here at SpoilerAlert, I thought the best way to celebrate Kyle’s list of his favorite Christmas movies was by calling it crap and attempting to interject my own ideas.  There will be some overlaps of course, but hope you enjoy! And for those of you keeping score at home, you’ll notice that It’s A Wonderful Life didn’t make either of our lists.

15) Santa Claus: The Movie (1985)

            You gotta love the ’80s!  Here’s the premise for this one:  we open with the death of the couple that will eventually become Santa and Mrs. Claus over a hundred years ago by freezing in a surprise blizzard on their way to deliver toys to the village kids.  After being granted immortality by a vaguely defined being, Santa is all set until a century mark passes and his head elf strikes a deal with an evil toy manufacturer out to eliminate Santa in an extreme hostile take over bid.  Not only could film this not even be made today, this thing probably isn’t even shown anymore because of the intense psychological damage it inflicts upon children.  Thank God I saw it in the theater!

14) Reindeer Games 

            Calm down internet whiners, yes I know this movie sucks.  In fact it, sucks so bad Kevin Smith had Affleck and Damon trounce it during their scene in Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back.  In fact, it sucks so bad, its almost good.  Not only does the plot make absolutely no sense (is anyone in this turkey actually who they say they are?) and not only is the acting so bad that you can see the actors (two eventual Oscar winners in the mix, btw) reading the cue cards, but the ultimate slap in the face from this one is the climax with twenty drunken Santas being involved in a shoot out at a casino.  That’s holiday cheer.

13) Die Hard 2  

            Everyone gives this flick crap for being the worst of the series, and maybe it is, but its still a timeless holiday tradition in my household.  Two years after the first one takes place, old McClane gets caught up in another melee, not only for his wife’s sake but also for all the passengers inside the airplanes that are put in harm’s way over Washington, DC.  While not as good as the first, this installment does give us the required Willis one-liners, as well as the “icicle through the bad guy’s eye” scene that I know defined my generation.  Merry Christmas, Mr. Falcon!

12) Elf

            Its funny, because when I was visiting New York City the year before this came out, I actually met Will Ferrel on a street corner, filming a scene for this movie.  Not only is he a lot taller in person than you’d think, he’s one of the nicest guys as he was patiently shaking hands with all of us in between takes, and he had to do it all standing around in that outfit.  When it came out, I was taken by the warmth that this movie brought to what could have been such a cynical endeavor, and it also gave us a glimpse into the director that John Favreau would become.

11) Scrooged

            Right in the hey day of Bill Murray’s transformation from smart aleck to jack ass, this film attempted to retro fit Charles Dickens’ masterpiece with a late eighties feel, and give old Scrooge a good comeuppance as well as a change of heart.  I love the fact that it simply doesn’t accomplish that.  Even when Frank Cross invades his TV studio and begins his road to being a whole person, he’s still the jack ass that he was in the beginning of the film.  He’s doing the same things he’s always done, just instead of picking on his employees, he’s picking on the network brass.   However, its just good fun to see Murray in these kinds of roles.

10) Batman Returns

            Having watched this film recently, I will attest to its serious flaws.  The ambitious Penguin character is at times very difficult to watch, and I submit this sucker starts jumping sharks right around the time the Penguin is addressing his army of birds like a little Patton.  However, there is some good in here, such as Keaton’s always welcome turn as the Dark Knight, a Catwoman costume that will live in infamy, and of course Christopher Walken, basically just playing himself with less money.  All in all though, this film is what happens when studios let Tim Burton have complete editorial control on his films.

9) Ernest Saves Christmas

            I admit it, I’m a huge Jim Varney fan, and a huge Ernest fan.  The time he saved camp is still a pivotal moment in my childhood.  And while this film was inferior to his first one in so many ways, I always liked their take on the Santa character, in that it was one man who did the job until he got too old, and he had to find a good man to serve as his successor.  Add in that I had a crush on Noelle Parker who played Harmony, and this film serves as a nostalgic holiday blast from the past.  

8) A Christmas Carol (1984)

            This made for television version of Dickens’ tale is my favorite, and probably only because of George C. Scott’s turn as Scrooge.  We all know the wonderful story of the miserly old bully who gets three ghostly visitors and changes his ways, but its Scott’s take on Scrooge before he changes his life that cracks me up.  Best dialogue: “Bah, don’t beg on this corner boy!” in response to a young boy wishing him Merry Christmas.

7) The Santa Clause

            Tim Allen’s take on old St. Nick will forever be remembered for the incredible make up effects used to turn a network television star into Santa.  Add in David Krumholtz’s Bernard the Elf, and there are actually some jokes in here that work really well. Even though the kid is pretty annoying, and Judge Rienhold’s therapist stepfather bit goes on way too long, this little slice of holiday cheer is still pretty good.

6) The Family Stone

            While its not the plucky comedy that its trailer billed it to be, this film has a heart and a determination that is impossible to resist.  Add in some completely unexpected performances (most notable Dermot Mulroney and Luke Wilson, both going way above their normal levels), and you’ve got a holiday movie that is more than just fluff.  Unfortunately, because Hollywood studios believe us to be idiots incapable of handling dramatic stories, this film introduced the “characters fall down to lighten the moment” trick anytime the story gets heavy.  Still a great movie though, and if you’ve never seen it check it out, best family dinner scene of all time.

5) Love Actually

            I am an unashamed fan of any movie that brings us Martine McCutcheon, who played the lovable Natalie (“Would… we call her chubby?”) in this great holiday film.  Even though there are way too many story lines here; including Collin going over to America to score with stupid but gorgeous women, and the porn stand-ins that can be naked together but are too shy to actually ask each other out; tell me you don’t get revved up when Jamie is touring the streets looking for his beloved Aurelia.  And of course, Bill Nighy’s naughty Billy Mack is hysterical every moment he’s on film.  

4) Lethal Weapon

            Although it only peripherally is a Christmas film, I ask what visual encapsulates the spirit of Christmas more that the Murtaugh’s living room, decked out in full holiday regalia and bursting with cheer, right before Gary Busey’s psychotic drug dealer smashes a patrol car thought it? That iconic shot of Mel Gibson chasing the bad guys on foot is back dropped with LA’s Christmas decorations, and in fact the introduction to Martin Riggs occurs at a Christmas tree lot.  All I know is that every year after this movie came out, my brothers and I would go out on the front lawn, destroy a fire hydrant, and then have a no holds barred jujitsu fight while cops gathered but did nothing to stop us.  Awe, timeless holiday traditions…

3) Home Alone

            Perhaps the quintessential Christmas film, this little comedy about a seven year old that is left to fend off two bumbling burglars still stands the test of time.  I have seen this movie over twenty times, and I still crack up once Harry and Marv start getting the crap kicked out of them. My favorite scene though, is right before the zaniness, when Kevin finally talks to Old Man Marley.  Not only does this moment give Kevin his first grasp on the dynamics of family, it gives this film its heart, all the while being accompanied by a vocal rendition of Oh Holy Night.  

2) National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation

            A timeless tradition in my house, Christmas just isn’t  Christmas until you spend it with the Griswolds.  Chevy Chase’s Clark Griswold, the bumbling head of the household, who’s just trying to do everything in his power to give his family the Christmas they deserve, is knocked down time and time again, only to finally pull it off by the final reel.  Add in Randy Quaids iconic Cousin Eddie, and you’ve got more holiday cheer than you ever signed on for.  Responsible for more quotes than any other film on this list, its good to know that some traditions never change.

1) Die Hard

            Not only is this my favorite Christmas Movie, its my favorite film of all time, and honestly, who can blame me?  Bruce Willis’ career defining role as John McClane not only catapulted him into stardom, it created a cottage industry for the “everyman just caught up in an extraordinary circumstance” genre.  But with McTiernan’s direction and Alan Rickman’s wonderfully over the top performance as Hans Gruber, this film became the standard for action films to beat.  And at the end of the day, all McClane cares about is saving his wife, and isn’t family what Christmas is truly all about?

Honorable Mention:

Claymation Christmas Celebration (1987)

            Too short to make the list of movies, I would be remiss without giving a shout out to one of my favorites, this television special that is also known as the California Raisins’ Christmas Special.  Not only giving us the coolest version of We Three Kings of all time, this half hour special is very, very funny as it follows Herb and Rex, two arguing dinosaurs, as they try and figure out the meaning of Christmas.  Although they were just a fad from the eighties, I still love it when the Raisins show up and set everybody straight.

Merry Christmas to all!

B