Brandon’s Top Five Monologues in Film

Let’s move past the obvious choices for this category (Marc Antony’s funeral address in Julius Ceasar, William Wallace extolling his troops in Braveheart, Maximus’ reveal in Gladiator, etc…), and take a look at some of the unsung monologues in film. These are five that I absolutely love and personally, I don’t think they get the props they deserve. As always, there are SPOILERS and of course, your thoughts are appreciated.

S.L.C. Punk: Steve-O’s rant to his parents.

Perhaps not this author’s favorite cup of tea, especially prior to broadening my horizons in the world of film, I’ve never been partial to the punk trend and tend to think anyone who follows it to the extremes of detriment to their health and safety is an idiot; it’s a safe bet that I had no interest in seeing this film upon its release. In retrospect however, I’m so glad that I did. Matthew Lillard displays acting chops that few knew he had in this film, and brings a humble likeability to a character that so easily could have been nothing more than a bullying, leather-studded Ferris Bueller knock-off.

And it’s this scene when he really struts his stuff, presenting us his argument to the modern day notions about maturity, success, and following your destiny. While his parents are urging him to grow up and act more like them, he blatantly takes apart their cultural values and career plans in rapid fire succession, and then lays it out with the killer finish, “Don’t get me wrong Mom and Dad, I love you. But I’m 18 and for the first time in my life I can say this, F**K YOOOOU!!!!!”

A Few Good Men: Col. Jessep’s justification for his actions.

It would only stand to serve that this list include one monologue written by Aaron Sorkin, the dialogue master of the Brandon Universe (yeah, I’m trying it out). This film will be forever remembered for the tagline that got this speech going (“You can’t handle the truth!”) but that is just the beginning to one of Nicholson’s finest performances. Lt. Kaffee has pushed Col. Jessep to the point of rage on the witness stand, just as he planned to do, and he gives Jessep all the rope he needs to hang himself.

But in what could have been a simple moment where the good guys’ legal maneuvering works, Nicholson takes the brilliance of Sorkin’s dialogue and ratchets it up a few notches. By seething with anger at the impudent little punks that should rightfully show him gratitude for the job that he performs, Jessep lays out the logic that got the victim killed in the first place. The scary part, half way through the rant you begin to nod your head and start to agree with him, wondering who the hell Kaffee is to ask the man his business. Crackling with energy and the acting that has given Nicholson his numerous Academy Awards, this monologue represents him at his best.

25th Hour: Monty Brogan’s speech to the bathroom mirror:

Spike Lee’s love letter to post 9-11 New York City is a wonderfully brooding character study about one man’s desperate night before his seven year incarceration begins in the morning. Weaving Edward Norton’s (who’s never been better) Monty Brogan through a night out with friends, an investigation into who sold him out to the authorities, and the very un-Spike Lee ambiguous ending of whether or not his dad helped him escape the prison sentence, we are given a true sense of Brogan’s desperation to avoid what he knows is his fate.

But right in the middle of it all, there’s this little scene that showcases his disgust with it all. Brogan heads to the restroom, and spots some profanity on the wall, and (taking full use of Norton’s range as an actor) he lashes out against every single New York conventional stereotype he can think of in one blistering monologue. Cursing everyone from the criminals on the streets to the politicians in office; the religious figures around the city to the wanna-be gangsters hanging out in Bensonhurst, he curses them all. And finally, showing his true opinion of himself, he looks deep into the mirror and once and for all curses himself.

First Blood: John Rambo’s lament to Col. Troutman in the Police Station:

To most people today Sylvester Stallone is an aging action star that is beginning to stay at the party a little bit longer than he should. Sure, Rocky Balboa was great, and it took us all back to that time when Rocky was still a character that was in good movies, but he vastly over-shot on Rambo, and is threatening even the most forgiving of fan’s allegiance with the “The Expendables.” But before he was all these things, he was actually an actor. In fact, he was a good one, willing to take on darker roles and try and do real acting instead of just letting his biceps carry the show.

Case in point, this gut wrenching scene at the finale of what would become the birth of an American Icon. As he was written, John Rambo was a rather unsympathetic character who eventually crosses the line from war victim over to psychotic urban terrorist, and in the book the film was based upon, he sees his inability to fit in this world and takes his own life to escape it. But in the film version (for a variety of reasons), Col. Troutman, his only ally arrives to talk him down and is successful in breaking through the training-brainwashed soldier and is allowed a glimpse of the horror of this man’s experience. Several great lines hit below the belt (It was your war! You asked me, I didn’t ask you!) but its the emotional heap this unfeeling superman becomes that is what grabs you so tightly, and refuses to let go. Naysayers are going to say that Stallone’s poor pronunciation takes away from this moment, but I argue that the rawness of him stumbling over the material actually makes the scene work.

J.F.K.: X’s exposition to Garrison at the D.C. Mall:

Forget the fact that it almost a complete fabrication, forget the fact that its chocked full of false editing to support it, and especially forget the fact that John Williams’ music could make reading the phone book riveting. Donald Sutherland’s (in a “who knew he could do this?” performance) mythical “X” simply shows up and just starts talking to Jim Garrison. At first its rapid fire military history, mostly the who, what, and where of the past ten years or so of black operations that he participated in. The next thing you know, he’s laying out the evidence of the very conspiracy that Garrison has been desperately trying to discover.

This monologue works so well on so many fronts mainly because of Sutherland’s almost monotone delivery and also because of two key moments. The first is when X pauses and then begins the second half of the monologue (originally written as two scenes, but wisely grafted into one), and hits the audience with the killer line “Very, very few people know about this, alright?” After a five minute barrage of facts, this little line sneaks in and completely grabs our attention. You actually think that you’re about to be given a classified secret from a Hollywood film. The second moment is once X has laid out the entire conspiracy from Vice President Johnson on down the military hierarchy, he gives his second chronological piece of evidence, “In September, the Texas trip is announced. Second Oswalds start popping up all over the place.” Sutherland’s delivery is impeccable, but its Costner’s slight head turn and pause while taking the notes that sells this moment. This is the confirmation of Garrison’s theory about multiple Oswalds that has been floating around his head, and he’s finally gotten the confirmation that he has been looking for. For the rest of the monologue, Garrison can only sit and absorb the information that washes over him. It’s easily my favorite monologue in film (not to mention the scene this movie needed to explain itself and its theories) and I say it gets bonus points for Garrison’s demoralizing revelation that he’s way out of his league and X giving him that little encouragement “… the truth is on your side, Bubba. I just hope you get a break.”

As always, thanks for stopping by.

Brandon’s Top 10 Television Moments

I’ve chosen only to highlight scripted television moments, and not things like UT winning the  '05 National Championship or the ‘96 Summer Olympics.

(And before Miles throws his yoga mat at me, there’s no Falcon Crest on this list.  Just… deal with it!)

10. Wings - Joe pleads for Helen to marry him.

The entire set up of this sitcom is that Joe and Helen are going to get together.  But when she meets Davis, a rich tycoon that was thinking of investing in Sandpiper, she is totally enthralled, and Joe gallantly bows out.  But when push comes to shove (and after they have that awkward “I know you’re marrying someone else, but lets have sex anyway” moment), Joe gets off his ass and follows her to New York to profess his love.  What follows is one of the most honest scenes network TV has ever delivered. Best line: “Marrying him?  Having kid with him?  Dammit Helen, that’s our marriage, and those are our kids.”

9. Sports Night - Sam takes on the network brass.

Brought in to help the show’s failing ratings, William H. Macey’s Sam was a pariah from the beginning.  Starting with his introduction of being mean to everyone and not caring about their input for the show, Sam is set up as character that we will all love to hate.  But then comes this scene, where he not only tells the story of two of the greatest innovative thinkers of all time, but also tells the network brass exactly where the hands of time have come to rest.  Grand-standing on network TV is usually horrible, but this one takes the cake.  Best line: “In case you think I’m just mouthing at ya, you should ask around about me.  I have absolutely no conscience about these kinds of things.” after he tells them that if they ever disrespect his boss again, he’ll take them down.

8. Quantum Leap - Sam does right by Al.

The genius of this show is that it was “one man, trying to put right what once went wrong” and there were so many moments of this show that shined (honestly, almost every episode had a cliffhanger moment). But in the series finale, Sam realized that the one thing that he should’ve put right, he didn’t and he gets the chance to fix that mistake.  Being the only time in the series that he leaps into a situation as himself and not another person, Sam goes back to Al’s fiancee's house in 1961 and tells her that Al will survive the war and make it back, so she shouldn’t marry anyone else.  For his best friend, he’ll do this, just because it’s the right thing to do.  Best line: the card at the end of the series that said “Dr. Sam Beckett never returned home.” after we learn that Sam controls the leaping and can quit at anytime that he feels he’s done enough. 

7. Batman: The Animated Series - The opening.

It was this little show that thought it could, and thanks to Bruce Timm and Paul Dini it did.  But in the wake of Tim Burton’s take on Batman, this show arrived and truly demonstrated who Batman was.  And in this ninety second opening (which was actually the concept preview that they showed to the network brass), it tells us everything that we ever needed to know about the Dark Knight.  Batman shows up and dispatches two thugs in quick succession.  No thrills, no gimmicks, just Batman doing what it is that he does.  Flawless.  Best line: the fact that there’s no dialogue at all in this entire thing.

6. Cheers - Sam says goodbye to Diane.

This series existed to show that an intellectual waitress and a washed up baseball player could make it work.  But with Shelly Long departing for a film career, the integrity of the character had to be serviced.  Once Sam knows that he’s lost her, he looks at the love of his life and says the only thing he can, “Have a good life.”  When she refutes that with her promise that she’ll be back in six months, we all see what Sam knows.  She won’t be back, and there’s nothing that he can do to change that fact.  Best line: “Have a good life” after she’s walked out of the bar and reality has settled in on him.

5. Seinfeld - The final retrospective.

Not only did we get a glimpse into that mad world that was basically four characters doing nothing, we got a send off that surpassed all of our expectations.  We got to see these actors fleshing out these roles (not to mention one of the greatest outtake reels in all of television history), and we got to relive a show that had been part of our lives for nine years.  I still remember the announcer saying, “Thank you Seinfeld, for nine wonderful years” and agreeing wholeheartedly with that statement.  Best line: a photographic timeline of the show set to GreenDay’s “I hope you had the time of your life.”

4. The West Wing - Toby rails at Bartlett.

My personal favorite show could have all the entries on this list, but this is the one that stands the test of time.  Not only is Toby Ziegler reeling from learning the truth about Bartlett’s illness, but he’s also the only character that processes the magnitude of the fraud that Bartlett has committed.  Taking full range of Richard Schiff’s skills and Aaron Sorkin’s writing, this scene allows someone to dress Bartlett down for the crimes that he’s committed.  Rarely does a show let its best character be crucified, and this one did it best. Best line: “For ninety minutes, there was a coup d’état in this country!”

3. Saturday Night Live - Post 9/11 Monologue.

After the horror of the 9/11 terrorist attacks, New York was reeling from a feeling that no one had ever felt.  Hurt, afraid, and unbelievably sad, these people had to wake up everyday and confront that situation, and not from CNN where most of us got it, but from their own street corner.  And then came this little moment from the SNL gang that hit us perfectly.  Standing on the SNL stage with members of the NYPD and the NYFD, Lorne  Michaels and Rudy Giuliani made it ok for us to laugh again, because in all honesty, isn’t that better than anything?  Best line: Lorne asking the Mayor of New York City, “Can we be funny?” and Giuliani’s pitch perfect response to the moment, “Why start now?”

2. Glee - Sue’s sister.

I haven’t cried about something on a screen in over nineteen years, but this little scene grabbed me harder than anything I’d seen in years.  Anyone who’s seen Jayne Lynch’s Emmy Award winning portrayal of Sue, the Cheerio’s coach, knows that she’s a manipulative person that will always twist everything to her benefit.  That’s why this story line is so compelling, after going head to head with Matthew Morrison’s Mr. Shu, she shows us her motivation: that handicapped people should be treated like everyone else, and she knows where of she speaks.  Best line: “My sister’s famous!”

1. Scrubs - Ben’s funeral.

This show reveled in the fantasy, and for most of the time, it was all in J.D.’s head so that we could see his world through his eyes.  However, this little moment just jumped up and grabbed us harder than we ever thought possible.  After a series of mishaps lets Perry ride J.D. about a mistake, his best friend Ben convinces him to let the kid off the mat, and forgive himself in the process.  But its at that final moment when Perry turns to J.D. and asks him why he didn’t bring a camera to his son’s birthday that we realize that we’ve spent the entire episode inside Perry’s fantasy, and that he’s agonizing over the death of his best friend. Best Line “Where do you think we are?” in response to Perry’s camera question, as they head to Ben’s funeral.

Gotta go Back in Time with Back to the Future

Hallelujah and go tell it on the mountain, it's Podcast #3! This time the Spoiler Guys strap into the DeLorean and head all the way back to 1985 to break down Back to the Future. For added fun this week, play the Spoiler Alert drinking game with your friends. It's easy, every time Brandon or Kyle say the word "rape", you take a drink!

Also, after you listen to the podcast help the guys settle an argument and post your thoughts on actress Mary Steenburgen in the comments section below--do you love her, hate her or don't care either way?




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Back to the Future Podcast

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New Podcast On the Way!

Hey, fellow movie nerds. Sorry it's been so long since our last post and even longer since the Spoiler Crew has graced the interwebs with a new podcast. Rest assured, faithful listeners, a new podcast is "in the can" as we professionals say and almost ready to be unleashed upon your patiently waiting ears. As for our delay, I can only blame the wicked amount of partying we've been doing with our favorite professors.

While I head back to Hogwarts to get my party on, check out this list of Brandon's favorite trailers, and, as always, leave your thoughts in the comments below.

-K

Brandon’s Top 5 Movie Trailers

(Excluding The Dark Knight, b/c I feel like I talk about that movie enough):

 

Phenomenon:

From the easily graspable premise, George Malley sees a light in the sky and then can learn Portuguese in 20 minutes, to its likeable star (Travolta, still in his “Thank God Tarantino plucked me from obscurity, I’m happy just to be working!” jovial best), this trailer went fast and furious.  The townspeople (basically out of Central Casting) are a pretty predictable lot, but George’s inner circle of friends, from Forrest Whitaker as the best buddy to Kyra Sedgwick (Kayla Kaiser) as the love interest, show that he’s got a real heart and that we will like him as much as they do.  However, it was a little song from Enya, “Book of Days” that carries this trailer from simple movie fair to greatness on the wings of its quick pacing and great vocals.  

Three Kings:

If ever there was a trailer that used the smash cut to perfection this was it.  From its glaring opening to the final shot, almost the entire story arch and character development was shown in two minutes.  Clooney and the gang (including Mark Walburg, proving that Boogie Nights wasn’t a fluke) take off for gold, grab some refugees and become real people, all set to the redo of “There’s Something Happening Here”.  By the end of this thing, you know that this is going to be a very different kind of film.  Bonus points for the dialogue during the actors’ individual shots: Clooney defiantly demanding of his superior, “Tell me what we did here!” and Walburg’s pitch perfect, “You choose who we take, and you tell the others that its not convenient and they’re just gonna have to die.”

Star Wars: Episode One – The Phantom Menace:

Despite the fact that this movie went on to become the cautionary tail for any director who believes they can come back to the well and pick up the money years after the fact (Wes Craven, I’m talking to you!), there was a moment in 1999 when a trailer made you get so giddy that you couldn’t stand it.  The lights dimmed, the beginning of John Williams too-bitchin-for-words score begins and then you hear Vader’s respirator and all of the sudden you’re a kid again.  And okay, if you looked fast enough, you began to see the beginnings of Lucas’ obsession with CGI and how it will ruin his legacy, but at that moment the pod race looked cool, Neeson and Portman looked like they belonged in that world, and best of all they nailed, NAILED the look of the previous Star Wars films.  If only…

Sonny:

I’ll give you a minute to quit hyperventilating.

                        (BEAT)

Okay, like before, forget the fact that this film was absolute crap on film.  And I mean it, in no time in my life have I actually TRIED to give away a film as hard as I tried to chuck this sucker, so I know how bad this movie is.  But this list is about trailers and there is one very good reason why I saw a movie about a male prostitute (eww) staring James Franco (who I couldn’t stand at the time) directed by Nicolas Cage (who I still loath).  That reason is this trailer.  Beginning with a redo of “Ring of Fire” we meet Sonny, his mom, the ladies around town who can’t wait to sleep with him, and then Mina Survari as the potential love interest.  With three or four poignant moments in the trailer (including what I still consider a great line, “I just don’t want to get old and have nothing to show for it.”) you get the sense that these are real people; and by the time “Take a Walk On the Wild Side” begins, you’re enthralled with this guy’s story and the redemption that he is about to go through.  It would have worked too, if Nic Cage wasn’t such an idiot and hadn’t have really just wanted to direct a straight-to-video soft porn so he could just revel in the vice.

Ransom:

Totally forget Mel Gibson’s current status as an insane scumbag, and remember that this was a post Braveheart time where he was still the bitchin’est  guy in Hollywood.  We get this snapshot of successful Tom Mullen with his wife (Rene Russo, yay!) and son, and their affluent but loving life in Manhattan. And boom goes the dynamite. “I have your son.” Suddenly Ron Howard directs action flicks, and we get Mel going postal on the people that stole the one thing you don’t steal from him.  And then the twist, Mel goes on television and offers the ransom money as a bounty on the kidnapper’s head.  This trailer was a marvel of suspense, every line blended into the next shot perfectly, and it never let up (which was kind of a let down during the actual dialogue heavy film).  Bonus points for the raw vulnerability of the characters during the beginning as Gibson and Russo are both shown losing it to the authorities several times.  And the pitch perfect ending, with Mel Gibson screaming into the phone (and we all know how scary that can be), “GIVE ME BACK MY SON!”

Brandon's Top 15 Christmas Movies

Brandon decided to get in on the fun. Let us know what you think of his obviously wrong choices! -K

Brandon’s Top Christmas Movies:

In honor of the cooperative spirit that dominates over here at SpoilerAlert, I thought the best way to celebrate Kyle’s list of his favorite Christmas movies was by calling it crap and attempting to interject my own ideas.  There will be some overlaps of course, but hope you enjoy! And for those of you keeping score at home, you’ll notice that It’s A Wonderful Life didn’t make either of our lists.

15) Santa Claus: The Movie (1985)

            You gotta love the ’80s!  Here’s the premise for this one:  we open with the death of the couple that will eventually become Santa and Mrs. Claus over a hundred years ago by freezing in a surprise blizzard on their way to deliver toys to the village kids.  After being granted immortality by a vaguely defined being, Santa is all set until a century mark passes and his head elf strikes a deal with an evil toy manufacturer out to eliminate Santa in an extreme hostile take over bid.  Not only could film this not even be made today, this thing probably isn’t even shown anymore because of the intense psychological damage it inflicts upon children.  Thank God I saw it in the theater!

14) Reindeer Games 

            Calm down internet whiners, yes I know this movie sucks.  In fact it, sucks so bad Kevin Smith had Affleck and Damon trounce it during their scene in Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back.  In fact, it sucks so bad, its almost good.  Not only does the plot make absolutely no sense (is anyone in this turkey actually who they say they are?) and not only is the acting so bad that you can see the actors (two eventual Oscar winners in the mix, btw) reading the cue cards, but the ultimate slap in the face from this one is the climax with twenty drunken Santas being involved in a shoot out at a casino.  That’s holiday cheer.

13) Die Hard 2  

            Everyone gives this flick crap for being the worst of the series, and maybe it is, but its still a timeless holiday tradition in my household.  Two years after the first one takes place, old McClane gets caught up in another melee, not only for his wife’s sake but also for all the passengers inside the airplanes that are put in harm’s way over Washington, DC.  While not as good as the first, this installment does give us the required Willis one-liners, as well as the “icicle through the bad guy’s eye” scene that I know defined my generation.  Merry Christmas, Mr. Falcon!

12) Elf

            Its funny, because when I was visiting New York City the year before this came out, I actually met Will Ferrel on a street corner, filming a scene for this movie.  Not only is he a lot taller in person than you’d think, he’s one of the nicest guys as he was patiently shaking hands with all of us in between takes, and he had to do it all standing around in that outfit.  When it came out, I was taken by the warmth that this movie brought to what could have been such a cynical endeavor, and it also gave us a glimpse into the director that John Favreau would become.

11) Scrooged

            Right in the hey day of Bill Murray’s transformation from smart aleck to jack ass, this film attempted to retro fit Charles Dickens’ masterpiece with a late eighties feel, and give old Scrooge a good comeuppance as well as a change of heart.  I love the fact that it simply doesn’t accomplish that.  Even when Frank Cross invades his TV studio and begins his road to being a whole person, he’s still the jack ass that he was in the beginning of the film.  He’s doing the same things he’s always done, just instead of picking on his employees, he’s picking on the network brass.   However, its just good fun to see Murray in these kinds of roles.

10) Batman Returns

            Having watched this film recently, I will attest to its serious flaws.  The ambitious Penguin character is at times very difficult to watch, and I submit this sucker starts jumping sharks right around the time the Penguin is addressing his army of birds like a little Patton.  However, there is some good in here, such as Keaton’s always welcome turn as the Dark Knight, a Catwoman costume that will live in infamy, and of course Christopher Walken, basically just playing himself with less money.  All in all though, this film is what happens when studios let Tim Burton have complete editorial control on his films.

9) Ernest Saves Christmas

            I admit it, I’m a huge Jim Varney fan, and a huge Ernest fan.  The time he saved camp is still a pivotal moment in my childhood.  And while this film was inferior to his first one in so many ways, I always liked their take on the Santa character, in that it was one man who did the job until he got too old, and he had to find a good man to serve as his successor.  Add in that I had a crush on Noelle Parker who played Harmony, and this film serves as a nostalgic holiday blast from the past.  

8) A Christmas Carol (1984)

            This made for television version of Dickens’ tale is my favorite, and probably only because of George C. Scott’s turn as Scrooge.  We all know the wonderful story of the miserly old bully who gets three ghostly visitors and changes his ways, but its Scott’s take on Scrooge before he changes his life that cracks me up.  Best dialogue: “Bah, don’t beg on this corner boy!” in response to a young boy wishing him Merry Christmas.

7) The Santa Clause

            Tim Allen’s take on old St. Nick will forever be remembered for the incredible make up effects used to turn a network television star into Santa.  Add in David Krumholtz’s Bernard the Elf, and there are actually some jokes in here that work really well. Even though the kid is pretty annoying, and Judge Rienhold’s therapist stepfather bit goes on way too long, this little slice of holiday cheer is still pretty good.

6) The Family Stone

            While its not the plucky comedy that its trailer billed it to be, this film has a heart and a determination that is impossible to resist.  Add in some completely unexpected performances (most notable Dermot Mulroney and Luke Wilson, both going way above their normal levels), and you’ve got a holiday movie that is more than just fluff.  Unfortunately, because Hollywood studios believe us to be idiots incapable of handling dramatic stories, this film introduced the “characters fall down to lighten the moment” trick anytime the story gets heavy.  Still a great movie though, and if you’ve never seen it check it out, best family dinner scene of all time.

5) Love Actually

            I am an unashamed fan of any movie that brings us Martine McCutcheon, who played the lovable Natalie (“Would… we call her chubby?”) in this great holiday film.  Even though there are way too many story lines here; including Collin going over to America to score with stupid but gorgeous women, and the porn stand-ins that can be naked together but are too shy to actually ask each other out; tell me you don’t get revved up when Jamie is touring the streets looking for his beloved Aurelia.  And of course, Bill Nighy’s naughty Billy Mack is hysterical every moment he’s on film.  

4) Lethal Weapon

            Although it only peripherally is a Christmas film, I ask what visual encapsulates the spirit of Christmas more that the Murtaugh’s living room, decked out in full holiday regalia and bursting with cheer, right before Gary Busey’s psychotic drug dealer smashes a patrol car thought it? That iconic shot of Mel Gibson chasing the bad guys on foot is back dropped with LA’s Christmas decorations, and in fact the introduction to Martin Riggs occurs at a Christmas tree lot.  All I know is that every year after this movie came out, my brothers and I would go out on the front lawn, destroy a fire hydrant, and then have a no holds barred jujitsu fight while cops gathered but did nothing to stop us.  Awe, timeless holiday traditions…

3) Home Alone

            Perhaps the quintessential Christmas film, this little comedy about a seven year old that is left to fend off two bumbling burglars still stands the test of time.  I have seen this movie over twenty times, and I still crack up once Harry and Marv start getting the crap kicked out of them. My favorite scene though, is right before the zaniness, when Kevin finally talks to Old Man Marley.  Not only does this moment give Kevin his first grasp on the dynamics of family, it gives this film its heart, all the while being accompanied by a vocal rendition of Oh Holy Night.  

2) National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation

            A timeless tradition in my house, Christmas just isn’t  Christmas until you spend it with the Griswolds.  Chevy Chase’s Clark Griswold, the bumbling head of the household, who’s just trying to do everything in his power to give his family the Christmas they deserve, is knocked down time and time again, only to finally pull it off by the final reel.  Add in Randy Quaids iconic Cousin Eddie, and you’ve got more holiday cheer than you ever signed on for.  Responsible for more quotes than any other film on this list, its good to know that some traditions never change.

1) Die Hard

            Not only is this my favorite Christmas Movie, its my favorite film of all time, and honestly, who can blame me?  Bruce Willis’ career defining role as John McClane not only catapulted him into stardom, it created a cottage industry for the “everyman just caught up in an extraordinary circumstance” genre.  But with McTiernan’s direction and Alan Rickman’s wonderfully over the top performance as Hans Gruber, this film became the standard for action films to beat.  And at the end of the day, all McClane cares about is saving his wife, and isn’t family what Christmas is truly all about?

Honorable Mention:

Claymation Christmas Celebration (1987)

            Too short to make the list of movies, I would be remiss without giving a shout out to one of my favorites, this television special that is also known as the California Raisins’ Christmas Special.  Not only giving us the coolest version of We Three Kings of all time, this half hour special is very, very funny as it follows Herb and Rex, two arguing dinosaurs, as they try and figure out the meaning of Christmas.  Although they were just a fad from the eighties, I still love it when the Raisins show up and set everybody straight.

Merry Christmas to all!

B

Kyle's Christmas Favorites

Well, it's that time of year again. The stockings are hung, the mistletoe is...hung and the decorations are...crap. Anyway, I thought I'd help kick off the holiday season with a list of a few favorites. Post your thoughts/hate mail in the comments section!

15.  A Christmas Story

It’s not a Christmas movie list without A Christmas Story. TBS has done its part ruining the luster of this classic, so you have to remember how good it used to be. I always felt superior because I already had a BB gun and had only been hit by a ricochet once (and not in the eye). My mom must have been a fan too, because I couldn’t go outside to shoot my gun without hearing “be careful or you’ll shoot your eye out.” Also, why didn’t our mall Santa have a cool slide like that? Has anyone ever seen anything like that?

14. Home Alone 2: Lost in New York

It’s nowhere near as well done as the first Home Alone, but I can’t resist the exploits of Kevin McAllister and the Wet (now Sticky) Bandits. The best part of this movie was the Talk Boy, a walkman-like toy where you could record sounds and play them down marginally slower or slightly faster. My brother and I both got Talk Boys for Christmas that year and I thought it was just about the coolest thing ever. Also, I’ll always be a sucker for watching Marv and Harry tortured in Kevin’s house of traps.

13. The Christmas Toy


This was a made for TV movie out of Jim Henson’s studio in the early 90s, I think. This Muppet-like story was a fixture in the Radford household. Kermit makes a brief appearance at the beginning and end, but other than that, it’s all new puppet creations. The Christmas Toy was really the original Toy Story, showing what happens to children’s toys when the kids leave the room and the toys come alive. It’s Christmas time in the playroom and all of the toys are nervous as to what their owners will be getting for Christmas, fearing replacement (sound familiar). There’s a darker element here at work; if toys are seen alive by humans they freeze forever, essentially dying. Seeing one of the toys “die” and be carted off to the closet by the other toys killed me as a kid.

12. Batman Returns

Batman Returns hasn’t exactly stood the test of time. Upon re-viewing Burton’s second Batman film, it comes off a little stupid and very different from what we’ve all come to know as the Caped Crusader in recent years. That being said it’s still a very fun movie that happens around Christmas time. I know, I know, Christmas isn’t really the theme of Batman Returns, but I saw a chance to throw a Dark Knight reference in and I took it.

11. Gremlins

Gremlins proves that I’m not a total sap when it comes to Christmas movies. I think the fact that Joe Dante set this movie around Christmas is what makes it a classic to me. If you want to know the brilliance of Gremlins, just watch the scene where Phoebe Cates describes her special Christmas memory.

10. Love Actually

I’m a pansy, I know. I like this movie. I actually watch it a lot (that has more to do with Kayla than anything, but I’m not complaining). Not every storyline is interesting to me…I really couldn’t care less about Liam Neason’s dead wife…but every time Bill Nighy is onscreen I laugh. Just the thought of him calling himself “Uncle Bill” is making me smile right now. It’s a big, commercial holiday movie that was designed to make women get together and cry/laugh. Works on me too. 

9. How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966)

I think it’s the music and the animation that wins me over here. When I was younger, I don’t think I appreciated this movie as much as I do now. I just remember picking Rudolph over the Grinch to watch a lot. Of course, I didn’t like asparagus when I was a kid either. It was probably after seeing the TERRIBLE live action movie with Jim Carrey that made me appreciate the 60’s cartoon adaptation of Dr. Suess’ story. Let me be clear--I will never watch the Jim Carrey version again. 

8. Miracle on 34th Street (1947)

I have no problem with the remake (although I’m not sure we needed one), but if I’m going to watch a take on this story, it’s the original. Here’s a movie that was made over 60 years ago and hasn’t aged a day. There’s a sweetness in Edmund Gwenn’s obviously mentally unstable Kris that didn’t quite make the translation to the modern remake. Either way, it’s a great story that makes me want to visit New York at Christmas. I'm also not too sure about the dubious legal precedence that's established at the end.

7. The Santa Clause

Tim Allen is a bad actor. He’s wooden, his dialog sounds like he’s reading it for the first time, and you always get the feeling that he’s laughing along with the joke. Somehow, the Santa Clause overcomes all of that with its charm and turns the tool man into Saint Nick. His transformation, makeup-wise, is pretty remarkable if you pay attention to it. Sure, the computer effects are dated, but the prosthetics believably turn a 40-year-old average Joe into Santa. Of course, that’s not why I love this movie. I’m just a fan of weenie whistles.

6. Elf

It’s no small feat to create a modern day holiday classic and Elf is just that. I don’t think anyone can deny that it’s hilarious and a perfect movie for the entire family. Will Farrell’s wide-eyed wonder plays perfect for the character of Buddy the Elf (what’s your favorite color?) as he navigates his way through NYC. Sure, it gets a little syrupy towards the end, but hey, it’s a kids’ movie. Besides, any chance to see Ed Asner as a grumpy Santa is welcome.

5. National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation

Christmas Vacation is a holiday tradition in many households around the country, but it never was in mine. I had to move out of the house before this one ever became regular holiday viewing. I guess we stuck more to the kid-friendly standards in our house. No matter how I found this movie, once I did, I was hooked. The manic escapades of Clark W. Griswold only slightly exaggerate everyone’s holiday experience. We never cut down our own tree, and to my knowledge, my Uncle Johnny never kidnapped Dad’s boss but we did have lights that wouldn’t work, annoying relatives who overstayed their welcome and big, ridiculous sweaters.

4. The Nightmare Before Christmas

“Mind-warping crap.” That’s what my dad called The Nightmare Before Christmas when I told him that I wanted to see it. Lucky for me a group of us went to see it for Nathan Schroeder’s 11th birthday, or I may never have experienced one of my favorite musicals of all time. The great thing about this movie is you can make a case for it to be watched twice a year (not that I need the actual corresponding holiday to watch any movie on my list). Every time I see Nightmare I’m amazed by the quality of the music, the amount of heart, and the astounding production design. I would never have the patience to do stop motion, but thank goodness for people who do.

3. Die Hard

Nothing says Christmas cheer like mowing down Eurotrash terrorist with a machine gun. Every holiday should have one kick-ass action movie. The Fourth of July has Independence Day, Halloween has every horror movie ever made and even Easter has Passion II: The Reckoning. It’s nice to see someone in a Santa hat crack some sculls. Before I ever realized Die Hard was a Christmas movie, I knew it was one of the greatest things I’d ever seen. It takes me back to the days of watching the Sunday night movie on network TV with my dad and being allowed to stay up an hour past my bed time to watch a heavily-edited version of yuletide mayhem.

2. The Muppet Christmas Carol

Can you love the Muppets enough? Not in my book. The Christmas Carol is one of my favorite stories, and, Lord knows, the Muppets are my favorite actors (they’re real), so it stands to reason that pairing the two would be pure holiday bliss. Fans of the book will have to agree that, apart from Bob Cratchet being a frog married to a pig, this is one of the most faithful adaptations of Dickens’ classic. With plenty of Muppet humor to spare, this movie is required holiday viewing. 

1. Home Alone

I’m just a sucker for people getting hit in the balls, what can I say? Growing up, this was THE Christmas movie. November, December, July—it didn’t matter when, our Home Alone VHS was going in the VCR. Kevin McAllister was like a folk hero to us kids. He went to the store, decorated the house himself, and came damn close to fatally injuring two grown men. I was terrified of burglars as a little kid, but this movie helped me calm my fears by convincing myself that A.) they would be lovable misfits like Marv and Harry and B.) I could easily outwit them with a few well-placed glass bulbs. 

Merry Christmas, everyone!

K 

Celebrate Halloween with a Scream Podcast

 Well folks, this has been a long time coming, but here we are with Podcast #2. We admit it, we went out drinking and didn't get on the ball posting this one, but right in time for Halloween the Spoiler Alert guys take a look back at the 90's classic Scream. Brandon and Kyle recount tales from their youth and we find out just how much of pansies these two really are. Just gotta warn everyone, we recorded this podcast many months ago, so some of the Scream 4 information is a little outdated, but what do you want...it's free.

So sit back, set out the carved pumpkin and enjoy the Spoiler Alert take on Scream.

Click link to download:

 Scream Podcast

(If you're having trouble downloading the link, just right click on it and select "save link as".)