Kyle vs. Scream 4

For those of you who have listened to our Scream podcast, you know I kind of consider myself a super-fan of the series. While I don’t go to the extent of dressing up as Billy Loomis and crashing high school parties (anymore), I did at one time own a Father Death costume. When the news broke that Wes Craven was getting the band back together for one last show to save the old after school hangout I should have been overjoyed. THEN when it was revealed that Neve Campbell, Courteney Cox, and David Arquette would all be reuniting to work off a script penned by Kevin Williamson, my heart should have grown three sizes too big as I danced throughout the halls of my office.

None of these things happened, though, and the more I found out about Scream 4: The Screamening, the deeper a depression I sunk into. A new, hip cast—why? Well publicized production issues—what? Alison Brie’s involvement—okay, all of the news wasn’t catastrophic, but still, I was upset. I made a solemn vow before myself and God; I would not see Scream 4: Return of the Scream. It was a movie that represented everything that was wrong with modern film—just a crass money-grab, and had no business being counted among the original trilogy. I would not partake in the dumbing down and eventual crumbling of society as we know it. I am a proud man. I am a man of principle, action and honor, and without a strong feeling of self-worth, I would never be able to look at myself in the mirror again.

So I saw Scream 4: Scream Up to the Streets the other day, and this is what I thought of it.

Let’s get this out of the way

It turns out that Scream 4: Scream in New York is not the crime against humanity that was foretold in the darkest parts of the Bible. While neither a sin against man or nature, it just kind of sits there like a dead fish. It’s a movie confused, not really sure if it wants to be a reboot or a continuation. In attempting to please everyone and outwit themselves and the audience, the makers have created a bland “horror” “comedy” trying to spin too many plates at once, but I’m getting ahead of myself…

I should let you know, gentle reader, that I plan to not hold back and will spoil every aspect of this movie. Inside me resides neither the cleverness nor inclination to dance around important plot points and twists in the narrative. If this upsets you and, despite Scream 4: Scream Protocol coming out almost a full two years ago, you’ve been really excited to see who’s hacking up Woodsboro’s sexy teens, you might want to skip this article. We’ll be back with our regularly scheduled Die Hard analysis next week.

The Old Bait and Switch

It’s been said before by savvier reviewers than me that the only clever aspect of Scream 4: A Scream to Remember was a killer opening sequence. You can’t deny that it’s a fun idea, dropping in and out of situations familiar to the series, each revealing itself to be the opening of a different fake Stab movie. Unfortunately, by the time we roll around to reality I was bored and confused. Not confused in the sense of “is this another movie or not?” but confused as to if this seemed like a good idea when they started editing it together. With each fake opening, I was invested that much less in the characters. Each time the curtain was pulled away to reveal the little old man operating the Great and Powerful Oz a little magic and suspense was lost. By the third go-round I didn’t care at all about the (attractive) cardboard teens about to meet their maker. All I could think was, “hey look, its Coach’s daughter from Friday Night Lights.” Also, “who’s that other girl? Should I know her? Is she famous? Am I getting old and out of touch with who the kids like?” 

Is she one of the Wiggles? Do kids still watch that?

The genius of the opening scene of the first Scream was not only the marketing, but the relationship the audience formed with Drew Barrymore’s character Casey in the short amount of time we knew her. Not only did they kill the film’s biggest star in the opening scene (what?!), they made her a fully formed person. Casey was a character who had a boyfriend, loved scary movies, and had two parents who almost made it home in time to save her. There was a sense of peril and urgency, like she might actually make it to Act 2.

I’m not going to go into detail how they mixed up this formula with the sequels because that would be long and boring, but the short answer is, they did. You can see what Kevin Williamson was attempting to do and kudos to him for trying, but effort only gets you so far. Yes, he needed to mix up the formula, but not at the expense of character or suspense. Let’s not forget, this is supposed to be a scary movie. Which leads me to…

Isn’t This Supposed to be a Scary Movie?

I’ve said it before, but there’s an unpleasant trend in horror today. Movies are opting for disgusting over scary, with unimaginable carnage replacing tension and surprise. At first I was worried that Scream 4: The Search for Screamy’s Gold would try and outdo its predecessors by joining the torture porn crowd, and while I’m happy that wasn’t the case, I can’t help feel a little let down by its contribution to the “horror” genre.

Admittedly, I watched this movie with a few glasses of fine Canadian whiskey in me, which can dull the senses, but was there anything scary about Scream 4: Look Who’s Screaming Now? You get the feeling that because they were trying to cram so much into this reboot/rehash/regurgitation something had to go and they decided on scares (as well as character development). We move at such lightning speed from scene to scene that there's no time to breathe. There’s no real stalking of innocent victims, you know…dead silence, red herrings, cautious relaxation, and a final jolt. Let’s take a look at a particular scene to see if we can figure out just what went wrong:

The Publicist in the Parking Garage with the Bad Plot

I'm gonna have to call you back. I feel some bad screenwriting coming on.

Poor Alison Brie, her character had just been fired. Despite being more than competent at her job and cute as a button, an unhappy Sidney Prescott let Alison’s character Rebecca go and she’s off to that slasher staple: the parking garage. Things are not looking good for Rebecca. Walking along, muttering to herself, she realizes her car isn’t where she parked it. Is she going to have to go from level to level, walking through a dark parking structure while a killer stalks her from the…what’s that? It’s a few spots over? Never mind then. So, other than pointing out Ghost Face is kind of a dick, what did this accomplish? I guess the killer has abandoned the whole “what’s your favorite scary movie?” routine and resorted to pranks we pulled on our friends in high school when we got a hold of their keys.

Okay, so the car has been found, but the killer obviously has the keys and could be hiding inside, lying in wait to attack at any minu…everything’s fine? Back seat clear? Alright, I guess that counted as a red herring, but you’re pushing your luck movie.

This leads me to another issue with the latest Scream--the homages to the original. The entire twenty or thirty seconds that they devote to Alison Brie stuck in the car, all I could think about was Sidney trapped in the police jeep in Scream. In that movie the killer toyed with her, jumped in and out of view to unlock doors and finally sneak up from behind as the audience watched with white knuckles. In Scream 4: Scream and Let Die, we get Ghost Face jumping on the hood once, the car’s starter in hand, and vanishing until the victim leaves the car of her own free will. Was that the plan…for her to be stupid? What if another car drove by or someone else entered the parking garage? What if she called for help with her PERFECTLY FUNCTIONING PHONE? Come on, movie. Work with me here. By the time the killer walks up to the idiot publicist and stabs her in the stomach, I was ready for her to be killed off and so were the moviemakers. The scene just peters off and ends. Rebecca was wasting valuable storytelling minutes. Now we could spend valuable time watching Gale play Nancy Drew…

What the Hell Are the Original Characters Doing There?

I suppose my biggest complaint, outside of the lazy writing, questionable character motives, and bad catering, would be the inclusion of the three original stars in this silent fart of a movie. I understand both arguments for making a version of Scream 4: Scream Saves Christmas with the original cast member to attract your core audience or making this a true reboot with a sexy young cast of growth-stunted 27-year-olds to bring in a new audience. The problem with mashing both concepts together like the fried chicken in a KFC Double Down is that it overly complicates the plot and gives the filmmakers far too many characters to juggle. Also, you get heart disease.

Basically Scream 4.

There’s a lot of ground that the writer of an ensemble piece has to cover. Multiple characters have to be introduced with motives established in a relatively short time frame to make sure that, while the plot unfolds, the characters have the audience’s sympathy or, at the very least, attention. This isn’t really a problem that you have to address in a sequel, since we know and love the characters already. All the writer needs to do is let us know what the gang is up to now. Have they moved away? Is there a daring new haircut in the picture? What about offensive facial tattoos? How many are we talking? Scream 4: Scream + Juliet actually does a fairly effective job of setting up the original cast. We learn that Dewey is the Sherriff now and doesn’t have a limp anymore because Arquette probably got tired of doing it. Sidney has moved past being a victim and is an author (girl power, am I right ladies?!), and Gale is trying to write a book or something because who cares about Gale? Unfortunately that’s really all of the time or interest in these three the movie has. So much of the script is spent with the roughly 47 “new” cast members that the original three are pushed to the side, left to occasionally awkwardly wander into frame and sheepishly apologize for still being in the movie and wasting everyone’s time.

I’d like to imagine that there’s a halfway interesting script floating around somewhere that focuses on just the new teenagers dealing with a copycat killer. I’m not saying I would ever watch that movie, but at least it would have time to let me know something about the new teens other the interesting character traits we got of “tall”, “owns a camera”, or “dead”. Listen Dimension, I know you really want my $13 and think that the only way to get my ass in the theater is to include original cast members. All you did though was shoehorn three people north of forty into a movie about high schoolers and, worse, make them background characters in their own story. Sidney isn’t even the protagonist. You know, come to think of it…

Who the Hell is this Movie About?

For all of its other transgressions, it really just comes down to this--tell me who the protagonist was in Scream 4: Screamless in Seattle? It’s pretty obvious that it isn’t Sidney, since we spend next to no time with her character. It’s like they only got an afternoon with Neve Campbell to film all of her scenes. In the same light, it’s not Gale or Dewey either. It’s the new cast, Dummy, you say rudely to your computer screen. If that’s true, smart guy, then which one? Besides learning that they love movies and run a Screamathon, we don’t know anything about the two guys. The tall girl is killed almost immediately, and the little girl from Remember the Titans is mostly comic relief.

Hilarious.

Sydney’s cousin Jill should be the main character and is presented as such…to a point. The problem lies in the necessity of the plot. It’s pretty simple math. Jill is the killer, and therefore the story can’t afford to spend a ton time with her without tipping its hand. We don’t get to watch her feel vulnerable or scared or really any emotion other than pissed off. Keeping the audience at an arm’s length to protect the twist at the end sacrifices a true main character for the movie, and just leaves it kind of listing along, jumping from bit player to bit player. She can’t be the protagonist and the antagonist at the same time because this is a Scream movie and not an art film. Butts are in the seats to watch good looking people get scared as they walk around big, empty houses and have things jump out in front of them. We don’t get to see her wrestle with any actual feelings because that would betray the all-important final reveal. See, the main character was Tyler Durden all along. Crazy, right?

So here I am, left to watch my beloved franchise gasp, wheeze, and cling to life before someone comes to their senses and puts it down. At least there probably won’t be a fifth movie to disappoint the masses and even if there is, I won’t be in line. Unless they get Shia LaBeouf. I’d see that movie.

Let me know what your thoughts are in the comments below.