Kyle's Top Ten Movies to Enjoy for Halloween

It was a dark and stormy night over six years ago in a magical land called Myspace where a wide-eyed dreamer named Kyle took to his keyboard and compiled a list of movies he thought everyone should watch around Halloween. Today, in a move having nothing to do with how lazy we are over here at Spoiler Alert Podcast, we’ve dusted the list off and present it for your enjoyment. If you think Kyle’s an idiot, remember, it was a simpler time.

10. A Nightmare on Elm Street (1984)

Sometimes I get lost in the mountains of sequels this movie spawned and forget that back in 1984 Wes Craven actually made a fun, original horror movie. The premise was so terrifying (a maniac who attacks you in your dreams) that  all my older cousins had to do was recount the plot to me and I couldn’t sleep for weeks. The main reason this is such a classic entry in the horror genre--Freddy Kruger. Something about that character has always appealed to me; maybe it was because he had a sense of humor to him. Sure he was senselessly murdering all of the teenagers in town, but at least he was having a good time doing it. Does Jason ever crack jokes? Don’t think so. Did Michael Meyers once look at the camera and laugh? Nope. Anyone can lumber around, chasing sexy teens in sequel after sequel, but only Freddy did it with style. Not to mention that he lives in your dreams and there’s really no way you can get rid of him. Almost makes you want a sequel.

If you liked A Nightmare on Elm Street, try Halloween:

I’m not a huge Halloween fan, but it did pave the way for slasher films like Nightmare. Besides, you can’t have a Halloween movie list without mentioning it somewhere.

9. Sleepy Hollow (1999)

At the risk of making this list a little heavy on Johnny Depp movies, I have to include Sleepy Hollow. I know, I know, he was in 21 Jump Street and the never-ending Pirates of the Caribbean factory is almost unforgivable, but Depp hit the right note as the quirky Ichabod Crane. Not to mention the Oscar winning art direction, which strikes the perfect tone for a period horror film with its foggy New England settings and pale, sunken-eyed New Englanders. This is how I now assume our friends to the north east spend their Octobers. The odd Burton tone helps keep this movie light as character after character’s head is gleefully removed from its neck. I was impressed with the fleshed out story they built around such a simple legend. This movie could have been very one note, but the rich characters and atmosphere kept this from being just beheading after beheading. And boy, are there beheadings! The fair amount of gore a necessity for any respectable horror movie, plus, Sleepy Hollow gets extra points for casting Christopher Walken as the headless horseman.

If you liked Sleepy Hollow, try Edward Scissorhands:

This movie is oozing with with Burton and Depp. If you don’t like either one of them, stay miles and miles away from Edward Scissorhands. Probably best not to even think about it.

8. Shaun of the Dead (2004)

Flat out hilarious. That’s really all that needs to be said for this one, but I’ll go on a little more. Next to curling up in a little ball and wetting ourselves, I’m pretty sure this is how my friends and I would handle a zombie attack--grab a baseball bat and head for the nearest bar. It may not be the noblest way to handle the situation, but it does seem to be the most practical. All of the humor aside though, the thing that struck me most about Shaun of the Dead was the poignancy of the last half hour. You don’t realize as you’re laughing with these characters throughout the movie how much they are growing on you and how much you will feel for them when they, inevitably, become zombie fodder. There’s some genuine heart in this one, which puts it head and shoulders about the pack and one of the reasons this movie makes most people’s list.

If you liked Shaun of the Dead, try Dawn of the Dead:

I know that George Romero’s Dawn of the Dead is a classic, but I enjoyed the Zack Snyder’s update. If you’re looking for less comedy, see what it’s like to be trapped in a mall with zombies and Ving Rhames. (I love any movie that has zombies running at you instead of just milling around.)

7. Dead Alive/Braindead (1992)

This is often heralded as the goriest movie ever made, and brother, I can see why. Before Peter Jackson was wondering around New Zealand with Elijah Wood, he was chopping up locals with a lawn mower. This simple “boy takes care of zombie mother” story is pushed to extreme limits when the zombies begin mating, and all hell breaks loose. I honestly can’t even this about this movie when I’m eating, it’s that disgusting. Added bonus, there’s a priest that uses his karate skills to fight the undead. I don’t know how someone passes up the chance to see that on screen. Also makes me wonder why the academy waited so long to give Jackson that best director Oscar.

If you liked Dead Alive, try Slither:

This movie zoomed in and out of theaters a few years ago, but I thought it was a little underappreciated. The idea is simple, take your classic 50’s B-movie, throw in a lot of gore and cast Nathan Fillion as the lead. Instant Kyle movie.

6. The Nightmare Before Christmas (1993)

When I was 9 my Dad described this movie as mind-warping crap, and nothing could have made me want to see it more. It turned out upon viewing that it wasn’t exactly the foray into evil that my father had predicted, but rather a delightful little musical about a man looking for happiness in his life. I love everything about this movie, the music, the design, the character…I could go on, and I know, Tim Burton’s a weirdo, but every now and then he gets it right. As an added bonus, this movie isn’t exactly a bad view at Christmas time either, and thanks to the recent re-release in 3D we get an all new way to experience the folks of Halloween Town. Stop motion animation has always intrigued me with the hours and hours of work for such a small result being something I could never commit too. I think that adds a little something extra to the joy I get from this movie.

If you liked The Nightmare Before Christmas, try The Corpse Bride:

I’m a little hesitant to put this movie on my list, because I don’t like it that much, but the stop motion Halloween animation category is a little light. Maybe you should just rent a Garfield’s Halloween Adventure instead.

5. An American Werewolf in London (1981)

With so many bad werewolf movies out there, it’s a rare thing to find one as intelligent and entertaining as this. Of course, the movie studio was able to negate some of the street cred for this flick by making a sequel so God-awful it’ll make your eyes bleed. I guess the sequel wasn’t made by the same filmmaker though, so I can let that slide. This 80’s horror film follows two American students backpacking through the Highlands of Scotland. To be honest, it doesn’t really follow them both for very long…let’s just say there’s an “animal attack” very close to the beginning; I think you know where it goes from there. Anyone who mentions An American Werewolf in London is bound by law to point out how amazing Rick Baker’s creature effects are, and man, amazing is the right word. So good, in fact, that the Best Makeup Oscar was created because of this movie. The transformation sequence halfway through reminds us why sometimes CGI isn’t the way to go if you want something to look real. I’m looking at you George Lucas.

It’s also pretty damn funny.

If you liked An American Werewolf in London, try Dog Soldiers:

This little known British film is low on production budget, but high on script and body count. Another great non-CGI werewolf entry that will keep you uneasily chuckling as you reach for the silver bullets.

4. Poltergeist (1982)

Two things scare the crap out of me, clowns and tow-headed children (sorry Kev). Co-writer and producer Steven Speilberg seemed to find out about this somehow and inject them both in the creepiest PG movie I’ve ever seen. Anyone who can sit through two hours of Zelda Rubinstein (that weird old lady) talking about the undead and not get the willies is a stronger man than I. I wonder if I hate clowns (especially in doll form) because of this movie or if the terror was already there.

If you liked Poltergeist, try The Sixth Sense:

I don’t want to spoil the ending for anyone, but (spoiler alert) Bruce Willis is a ghost. This is another great movie about creepy kids communicating with the dead. At least they left out the demonic clown doll this time.

3. Scream (1996)

The first time I watched Scream was at a birthday party when I was 15, and it’s been one of my favorite movies ever since. I’d have to check, but I think we watched it 5 or 6 times in a row that night, so yeah, I was a bit of a fan. The perfect blend of humor and scares helped introduce me to the slasher genre, as I wasn’t a big fan before, and I know it did the same for many fans. It was nice to see a movie where the characters were movie fans themselves and well aware of the clichés found in the genre.  Plus, the movie in-jokes were a trivia snob’s dream and kept Scream fresh for many repeat viewings. I don’t think I’ll ever get sick of watching this movie; it’s easily the best of the series.

If you liked Scream, try the rest of the Trilogy:

Admittedly, the other two Screams aren’t as good as the first, but they’re still entertaining movies. I prefer the third over the second, but I think I’m alone in category. Editor’s note: This was written before the wet fart of a movie that was Scream 4. Ah, happy days…

2. Evil Dead II (1987)

Bruce Campbell is a complete badass, as anyone who has ever seen one of his movies can attest too, and Evil Dead II is no exception. It’s basically a rehash of the first Evil Dead with a bigger budget and more emphasis on humor, which I think was a wonderful idea. You know, Spider-Man 3 was a steaming turd of a movie, but it’s hard to hate the man that gave us this classic horror flick. Once again our hero Ash finds himself trapped in the woods fighting everything from the corpse of his girlfriend to his own possessed hand. To say hilarity ensues is an understatement. Any movie that has someone lop off their own hand and replace it with a chainsaw has to be aces. There’s nothing I don’t love about this movie. Evil Dead II’s quotes are instant classics, and the violence is so over the top that you can’t help but smile. They even produced a short-lived musical based on it. I would have paid good money to see that.

If you liked Evil Dead II, try The Army of Darkness:

Evil Dead II’s follow up picks up right where it left off and follows Ash to medieval England (it’s that kind of movie) as he confronts a whole new wave of undead monsters. Not as good, in my opinion, but still better than most of the crap they’re throwing at us these days.

1. The Exorcist (1973)

You can’t have a scary movie list without The Exorcist. For me, it’s the natural choice for the number one spot, offering genuine scares that will stay with you for days. This movie is psychologically terrifying, and probably affected me more than any other horror movie I’ve ever seen. I feel like referring to The Exorcist as a horror movie cheapens it in some way, putting it in the same category at Halloween and Texas Chainsaw Massacre. This movie is so much more than cheap thrills and gratuitous violence. It gets in your head and stays there. Every character is brought to life with a degree of relatability that allows us to see ourselves in them and become more active participants in the story. You don’t just watch The Exorcist, you experience it, and no Halloween is complete without a viewing.

If you like The Exorcist, try The Shining:

I’m not a huge fan of The Shining (I feel like the ending is a bit of a cop out) but it still regarded as a classic. I can see where fans are coming from, so if you’re looking for a thriller that’s heavy on atmosphere, check it out.

Here are some movies I’ve enjoyed since this list was written that you might like:

Cabin in the Woods

Paranormal Activity (1-3; 4 only if you’re a completest)

Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street

Let the Right One In

Troll Hunter

The Innkeepers

Birdemic: Shock and Terror

Tucker and Dale vs. Evil

Drag Me to Hell

Zombieland

Monsters

Let me know if I missed any in the comments section below!

Brando’s Top Ten Villains on Film

All actors know that even though they become franchise players through playing the good guys, it’s always more fun to play the bad boy.  When playing a proper villain, most actors are able to push the boundaries of their craft in ways no good guy role would ever let them attempt; often times showcasing a level of talent that most didn’t know they possessed.  However, the flip side to that assessment is that even though playing the bad guy lets an actor throw caution to the wind and really go all out with a role, many times the roles themselves are simply not complex enough to stand the test of time. 

 Yeah, Gabriel Byrne did it better.  In a Schwarzenegger flick.

However, once in a great while, an actor jumps into a role and blows away all expectations of the character and creates an iconic performance that stands the test of time and cements them in the public’s consciousness so deeply that they are remembered forever. And of those top caliber performances, only a select ten earn the right to go on Brando’s list of top ten villains on film. 

The editors of SpoilerAlert Podcast would like to mention that Brando is going to be listing what he considers are the best villains of all time, not necessarily the scariest.  Also, as in other articles, Brando is woefully incapable of discussing these films without giving away the plot and revealing tons of spoilers, so now you have been warned and you cannot be pissed at us if the ending gets ruined by this article. 

I mean, you could.  But isn’t this really all your fault?

Yeah, thought so.

10.  Freddy Krueger – Nightmare on Elm Street – 1984

Played by Robert Englund

Talk about longevity, this guy has shown up in eight separate films not to mention staring in his own television show (Freddy’s Nightmares, 1988-1990), which is one of his detriments.  Overexposure on an epic level caused this guy to be reproduced into almost satirical levels, and people tend to forget that at one time this guy was one of the baddest baddies out there.  What’s more is that he knew exactly how freaking awesome that he was.  Crude, utterly perverted, and probably the only “victim” in cinema history that deserves exactly what he got, Englund’s monster became one of the most iconic horror images of all time.  The scariest aspect of his power is that he can attack you in the real world as well as the dream world, and once he shows up there is absolutely nothing that can be done to deter him from coming back again and again.  Everyone remembers Nancy (Heather Langerkamp) desperately attempting not to fall asleep because she knows how much more vulnerable she will be in the dream world, much to Krueger’s delight. One of the most terrifying villains of all time, not to mention becoming an image synonymous world wide with horror, Freddy earns his presence on this list.

Villainous Moment: Invisibly killing Tina in the real world while she sleeps after her first nightmare.

9.  T-1000 – Terminator 2: Judgment Day – 1991

Played by Robert Patrick

Known more for the amazing technical advancements that were necessary to bring the character to life on film, Patrick’s best work will live in infamy for his terrifying persona.  By definition, all Terminators are simply well disguised machines bent on destruction, but this time around the bad guy was so threatening that by the time he and Arnold throw down, it is completely believable that the smaller actor could toss the former Mr. Universe around like a rag doll.  From the moment we’re shown the unbelievable liquid metal shifting of his arm into a giant blade, or his osmosis through prison bars, the T-1000 becomes the most terrifying Terminator of all time, complete with their trademarked relentless nature and complete apathy for everything except for their mission.  Patrick’s performance is especially noteworthy for his complete lack of expression throughout the entire film; even during shootouts or jumping onto a helicopter while it is in the air from a motorcycle, his calm and robotic demeanor never waivers for a moment (at least until his final shot).

Villainous Moment: Acknowledging the pain he is causing Sarah Conner (Linda Hamilton) by stabbing her when she refuses to call to her son, “I know this hurts…”  Freaky.

8.  Darth Vader – The Empire Strikes Back – 1980

Played by David Prowse, Voiced by James Earl Jones

The most visually iconic of villains in cinema history (not to mention the guy with the coolest respirator on any planet), Darth Vader, was the undisputable scourge of the Star Wars universe.  Played onscreen by 6’6’’ Prowse, and outfitted with a completely original helmet for Jones’ iconic voice to forever be linked to (an editing move that Prowse was never informed would occur, and a source of tension for the actor for years after the first film came out), Vader was the first villain that many of my generation ever encountered.  In the first film he was a bit of a lackey (who orders Vader to release ANYBODY?) and in the third he had to deal with family issues (the other three “films” recalling his back story are not recognized by this author, especially Vader’s only on-screen appearance, “Nooooooo!”), but it was in this film that he hit his stride as a premiere bad guy.  He’s cruel, intelligent, powerful, and an absolute master of the force. 

Villainous Moment: Casually sentencing Han Solo to possible death in carbonite freezing with less emotion than most people would give their choice of lunch. 

7.  Anton Chigar – No Country for Old Men – 2007

Played by Javier Bardem

This is what happens when the strong, silent type loses their marbles, and becomes an unstoppable killing machine.  Taunting, relentless, and infuriating polite, Bardem’s portrayal of Cormac McCarthy’s embodiment of evil was Oscar-deserving in every way, and it set the bar for villains for years to come (more on that later).  Chigar’s best feature is that no matter what he is doing, from incredible and violent actions like detonating a clunker with cotton balls to performing ad hoc surgery on himself in a motel room, his calm and disarming demeanor is constantly flipping back and forth from detached to lethal in the blink of an eye.  From the moment that he shows up on film, you know that no matter how much you want the good guy to win, it’s just not going to happen.

Villainous Moment: Never before has simple gas station small talk been as terrifying as when Chigar flips the coin for the attendant’s life.

6.  Bill the Butcher – Gangs of New York – 2002

Played By Daniel Day-Lewis

I wasn’t a fan of the film myself (in all honesty, it gave a LOT of ammo to critics that say that Scorsese uses gratuitous violence for its own sake), but there’s no denying that Bill was absolutely terrifying in every way.  Its just an accepted truth that if Daniel Day-Lewis takes a role, its going to be amazing, but this was the first time we’d ever seen him turn that intensity into a true bad guy (albeit, one who thought he was doing the best thing based upon his perspective).  And the result is Bill, the murderous political heavy who’s iron clad control over the respective Five Points of mid 1800’s New York (and his intensely violent means of enforcing that control) is indisputable; while his lamenting that Liam Neeson’s Priest Vallon was the last good man he ever fought gives Bill excellent complexity as well.  Add in the world’s creepiest glass eye (and him tapping it with his blade!) and you’ve got a master villain.

Villainous Moment: Taunting and then brutally murdering Brendan Gleeson’s Walter ‘Monk’ McGinn after Monk becomes the first Irishman to win elected office against Bill’s wishes.

5.  The Joker – The Dark Knight – 2008

Played by Heath Ledger

Remember when I said that Javier Bardem’s Anton Chigar set the bar for villains for years to come? Yeah, it actually only took a year for this masterpiece to come out and for Ledger to completely leave Chigar in the dust with one of the most unbelievable and likeable performances in years.  Even though Ledger’s unfortunate accidental death generated all of the film’s pre-release buzz; once the world saw his Oscar worthy portrayal of the iconic character, it was so unexpected that it made us all forget about Jack Nicholson (who we all still love).  So good was Ledger in this role that when the sequel came out four years later, there were no misguided attempts to re-cast the role in order to give Batman another round with his greatest nemesis (in fact, out of respect to Ledger’s legacy, the Joker is never mentioned in the final film).  He’s funny without making jokes, klutzy while being deadly accurate, lethally powerful while sporting the physique of a lanky teenager; he’s a comic book character come to life in every sense of the word.

Villianous Moment: He actually makes you see his side of the argument while being interrogated by Batman.

4.  The Shark – Jaws – 1975

Played by Bruce, the animatronic shark

Probably responsible for more people being afraid of the ocean than any other film in the history of cinema, Steven Spielberg’s masterpiece still stands the test of time when it comes to nail biting thrillers.  Surrounded by great performances by some of film’s most likeable stars (Dreyfuss is hilarious in this film), the core of this story is the huge man-eater that shows up and terrorizes a small New England town from the depths below.  Created entirely out stock footage and animatronics, “Jaws” (although the shark is never referred to by that name in any of the films) became one of the most visually arresting of all villains; namely because even though he was the bad guy, he wasn’t really evil.  He’s just a shark that has found an excellent food source and isn’t leaving anytime soon. Critics praised Spielberg’s Hitchcockian choice to keep the shark off camera until the final act, but behind the scenes stories tell us now that this decision had a lot more to do with the fake shark’s unreliability and constant tendency to break down than any conscious decision to present the villain this way.  Whatever it was though, it was awesome; and we all still love this film.

Villainous Moment: Slowly eating Quint while he screams like a banshee the entire time.

3.  Magua – The Last of the Mohicans – 1992

Played by Wes Studi

           

Anyone familiar with SpoilerAlert Podcast knows how I feel about The Last of the Mohicans, and one of the reasons this film is so good is its villain, Magua, the vengeful leader of the Huron battle party.  After having his family killed by the commander of the British forces, Magua sets his sights on vengeance and never waivers for a moment.  Perfectly embodying the brutal methods of Native American warriors of the time, he betrays people, ambushes them, scalps them, and even hacks them to pieces and he does it all with that incredibly unexpressive look on his face.  In fact, his one expressive moment comes when the sachem chief denies Magua’s request to kill both of Munroe’s daughters in order to eradicate Munroe’s bloodline from the earth, the way he promised he would. His motivation is iron clad and he cares nothing for any aspect that would stand in his way.  Most villains feel justified in their actions; Magua feels righteous with every step he takes.

Villainous Moment: Gesturing to Alice Munroe to step back off the ledge with his hand coated in the blood of her friend Uncas that he just killed.

2.  Amon Goeth – Schindler’s List – 1993

Played by Ralph Fiennes

The only one on this list that was an actual person (fake sharks portraying gigantic real sharks don’t count as based on real people), Fiennes’ best work as a psychotic Nazi death camp leader is still a lesson in one of the darkest periods in the history of the world.  So tuned into this character was Fiennes that an on-set story of the film is that while he was in Nazi uniform, he met with a few Holocaust survivors that were on set during filming that day, and his mannerisms and costume were so like Goeth’s that one of the survivors began visibly shaking in his presence.  Incredibly, the most surprising aspect of Goeth’s evil lies in his likeability.  He’s buddies with and even assists the hero of the film at certain times, but even while acquiescing to Schindler’s wishes Goeth is constantly protecting his own selfish desires and murderous tendencies.  His tyranny goes even further than his position requires, and his love of what he does is contrasted only by his confusion over the random twinge of guilt he feels every once in a while.

Villainous Moment: Deciding to kill the boy who cleaned his bathtub right after he pardoned him for not being able to clean away a stain.

1.  Dr. Hannibal Lecter – The Silence of the Lambs – 1991

Played by Anthony Hopkins

He was only on screen for eighteen minutes, and for most of the time he politely instructed Starling into developing the mindset she needed to track down Buffalo Bill. Lecter and Starling’s conversation about her childhood just before he escapes is still one of the best on screen exchanges between two leads in the history of film (the production was actually scheduled to go to Montana and film sections of Clarice’s childhood story, but after seeing Hopkins and Foster’s performances in the dailies, the director immediately scrapped those plans knowing that their acting was perfect).  Hopkins’ iconic turn as the psychotic cannibal remains the most complete villain ever.  His small size and disarming breeding betrays his advantage over anyone in his path; that you simply NEVER know what he’s going to do next.  Brilliant, patient, ruthless, and hungry; Dr. Hannibal Lecter is still the one to beat for greatest of all time.

Villainous Moment: Taking a moment to enjoy the music after slaughtering two prison guards in order to escape.  The bar was set with this one.

Honorable Mention

The G’Mork – The NeverEnding Story – 1984

This author’s personal white whale, and while on the surface this guy might not be the scariest thing out there; but as the most fantastical assassin in the history of film, the G’Mork’s scariest attribute is its complete apathy about its victims.  With its only motivation being accumulating more and more power, combined with its willingness to go to any means to achieve this goal, this villain is simply too much for one boy to face all by himself (which is its biggest drawback, one lunge and Atreyu dispatches it?) The fact is that anything with glowing yellow eyes cannot be trusted, and talking wolves are just plain scary.

Villainous Moment: While lecturing Atreyu on the laws of Fantasia, he reveals that he knows more about the situation than anyone else, and he’s reveling in it.

Happy Halloween from SpoilerAlert Podcast!!

-Brando

An Open Letter to Miley Cyrus

Dear Miley,

I know that this is a tough time for you and that you are at that critical stage in your career that requires you shuck off that Hanna Montana persona, which even being worth millions of dollars in licensing deals alone, was holding you back from your true calling of…

Well, to be honest, I’m not dead certain exactly what niche you’re going for these days, but the point is, its an incredibly difficult needle to thread when one attempts to transform their public persona from child star to adult professional. 

Case in point:

           

This poor child spent a mere three years in the Canadian Leagues and to this day spends her days hanging out with a sociopath who in seventeen short years will place his children under house arrest and torture them with stories of how he once had a threesome with Winnie Cooper and the blonde girl from White Chicks (Ep. 47, “The Third Wheel, Season 3, 2007). 

It goes to show you that there are a variety of challenges when a girl becomes a woman in the public eye, and you are now forced to showcase not only your abundance of femininity and power but also the fact that you have the libido of Wilt Chamberlain. If you truly wish to take a Cleveland Steamer on the legion of Hanna Montana fans out there (who, btw are the only people still defending your actions) and break out into a new and incredibly slutty mold, I’m just saying that there are ways to go about this better than hitting the world across the face with a mallet that screams, “I have a vagina!!!”

It’s a delicate balance to achieve, but luckily for you, young lady, it’s been done before and there are a few trailblazers out there who have conquered the very situation that you are loosing yourself to with every appearance and cover shoot you do. 

Author’s Note: I’m going to be cracking wise about this topic for a while, but I would like to say that this is starting to get more than a little bit ridiculous and at what time do we start the conversation about these young ladies’ management and handlers’ culpability in all this?  Doesn’t Disney have something to say about the alarming amount of young women who come out of their child-stardom machinery only to go bat-shit insane at the prospect of the rest of their lives? Isn’t it a wee bit telling that most of the young men that emerge from this same machinery seem to do just fine? And speaking solely about the Miley’s VMA performance, am I the only one who thinks that Robin Thicke owes some sort of explanation/apology for what went down?  Ok, soapbox over, on with the list!

Tiffany Amber Thiessen

Those were the days!

Known throughout the stratosphere as the impossibly angelic Kelly Kapowski on the hit Saturday morning television show Saved By The Bell, Thiessen was so pigeon-holed into that role that when she left the show in order to pursue a blossoming (?) film career, she was told by many casting agents that she couldn’t read for the part, simply because her notoriety would distract from the film (this is the flip side of the megastar coin, for example, watch anything with David Schwimmer in it and try not to see Ross).  Terrified of not having anywhere to go, Thiessen jumped at the chance to return to her iconic role in Saved By The Bell: The College Years, and gave herself a few more years to contemplate her next move.

How She Did It?

Thiessen joined the cast of Beverly Hills 90210 in it’s forth season as the femme fatale Valerie Mallone (Someone’s cousin, or twin, or something; that thing was a nighttime soap opera, nothing more), a sex obsessed evil turbo-slut.  How is that different than what you’re doing, Ms. Cyrus? Because Thiessen only acted the part while the camera was rolling.  Once the director yelled cut, she was never seen flashing her whoo-hah while getting out of a Bentley on Venice Blvd (and I know that’s not you, but we all know that we’re not too far away from that particular Kodak moment). There was also never a photo of her smoking out of a bong (that one was you), regardless of whatever was in it.  Perhaps that because Thiessen was willing to simply be an actress, and not a phenomenon, she was able to retain her dignity and let the fictional characters she played show-case her sexuality.

Sarah Michelle Gellar

I overcame a vampire phobia just to watch this show. Seriously.

People often forget in the wake of multiple Scooby Doo films (and whatever the hell is going on with this Robin Williams television show) that back in the late nineties, Buffy: the Vampire Slayer was absolutely huge and you couldn’t stroll through the check out aisle with out seeing Gellar’s face everywhere.  If you think I’m messing with you, ask anyone over thirty if they know that the word “wiggy” means, go ahead we’ll wait… Yeah, that’s the legacy of Buffy and Gellar was the face of it. 

How She Did It?

Gellar took an astonishing risk and signed on to play Kathryn, the diabolical, over-sexed, drug addicted, possibly incestuous (that part of the plot kinda gets fuzzy) step sister in the 1999 film Cruel Intentions.  Set in the hyper-realized, not to mention over-stylized, opulent world of wealthy Manhattan prep school love affairs, Gellar oozed sexuality into this character and made it look like it was the easiest thing in the world.  Granted, she got a lot of help from the writing’s complete lack of shame in using every innuendo in the book, but that was the point, she was having such a great time with the gratuitous sex-talk that she succeeded in making us forget all about a certain vampire slayer.  And when it was over, and the world was attempting to pick their collective jaw up off the ground, she showed right back up at work on Buffy and remained on the show for another four years.  She portrayed the whore one time, to prove to the world she could (and make the break between her teen fans and a film career) and because she was talented enough to pull it off so well, she never had to do it again. 

Jessica Simpson

           

It’s a good thing she’s hot… life was gonna be rough otherwise.

(Hold on a second, internet, let me explain!!)  This young lady spent the mid to late nineties playing a very distant third wheel amidst the great Britney/Christina War of 1999, and in fact there was a time when we didn’t know she was an idiot, because we didn’t know a damn thing about her!  Instead of whoring it up to compete in the battle of bare midriffs, she often stayed to the more conservative side of the street, citing a religious background and an over-protective father (yeah, that help up pretty well).  But still, as a teen sensation, she was stuck right in the middle of the same crisis you face, Ms. Cyrus.

How She Did It?

Simpson took the (at the time) novelty route into reality television with her former-boy-band-member ex-husband Nick Lachey on MTV’s Newlyweds.  And while most of the show was about their first year of marriage (lots of sex and leaving the seat up, I’m guessing? Who knows what you married people talk about?) what emerged is that the world learned that Simpson was a legitimate moron.  The most famous scene of the show was of them eating Chicken of the Sea brand tuna fish, whose actual name is, wait for it… Chicken of the Sea! And then they show her turning to her husband and asking, “So is this chicken or fish?” What an idiot, right?! Except, she turned that into a multi-million dollar ad campaign with Chicken of the Sea tuna.  In fact, they pulled this trick off again when she asked someone if buffaloes really had wings (Please tell me you known what she was eating at that particular moment), and showed up in a Buffalo’s Wild Wings commercial.  I’m guessing that as soon as someone explained to her what a bank was, she laughed all the way to it.  Sure, she was in The Dukes of Hazard portraying a hot bikini body and her subsequent music video for her version of “These Boots Were Made For Walkin’” was nothing more of an attempt to cash in on her sex appeal, but there is a difference between acting playfully sexy within a film role and out and out acting like a whore any time there is a camera around. And it’s this difference that I believe you are struggling with.

Mandy Moore

Beats the hell out of Dinty Moore any day.

In the same time frame as Jessica Simpson, Mandy Moore emerged right in the middle of the hot girl pop explosion of the late nineties.  Although, from the very beginning, she was always a little further out of the lime-light than the others, and certainly more conservative in her dress and actions (see above reference to battle of the midriffs).  Still, every teen sensation has a shelf-life and even Ms. Moore soon felt the ending of hers’ fast approaching.

How She Did It?

Moore was the first of this generation of pop superstars to make the jump into legitimate acting, first in the forgettable Dr. Dolittle 2, but then with her valley-girl performance as Lana in the comedy hit The Princess Diaries.  That film’s success led to her getting the lead in A Walk to Remember based of the hugely popular Nicholas Sparks’ book (am I the only one who thinks this guy is a genius? He wrote one story and has been re-editing it and releasing for the last fifteen years, and the world just keeps loving him for it.  Its like I’m taking crazy pills!!!).  Her time as a bit player allowed her to actually learn how to act, so by the time she was the leading lady (and granted, not everything she’s made has been a hit), she was a viable actress and not just a “lets put a singer in a movie” option (See: Crossroads, Romeo Must Die, Burlesque, etc…).  In 2010, she burst back onto the spotlight in her voice performance of Rapunzel in the hit film Tangled, in which she went back to her roots and performed the song “I See the Light”, earning a Grammy in the process (Best Song Written for Visual Media, which totally counts). Her basic strategy to deal with this crisis was to keep working hard and relying on her talent, not her fame, to carry her through.

Tiffany

Ehh.. Music television was just getting off the ground back then.

Tiffany (aka Tiffany Darwish) was half of the two-punch juggernaut of the eighties teenybopper phenomenon, along with fellow teenybopper Debbie Gibson, which actually created the term ‘teenybopper’. Along with the cultural invention of stonewashed jeans, crimped hair, and mall tours (yes, you actually went to a shopping mall to watch your favorite performer), the 1980’s gave us the birth of Pop Music, and the undisputed queens were Debbie Gibson and Tiffany.  The immense saturation of these girls’ faces on covers of magazine after magazine set a disturbing precedent in how we treated teen icons (and gave rise to more than a few legitimate stalking laws). 

In addition to the media blitzkrieg that surrounded her, Tiffany also had the added pressure of one of her first songs being her biggest hit.  She released a remake of “I Think We’re Alone Now” in 1987 as her second single (and if you’ve never held hands in a roller-skating rink to that song, then you’ve never freakin lived) and its place as number one on the Billboard charts was the best her career ever got.  But in the midst of being the opening act for “The New Kids On The Block” (who also shot to superstardom at this time), Tiffany was looking into the abyss of having the best years of her career behind her at the age of sixteen.

How She Did It?

She never did.  Tiffany went on to stay as NKOTB’s (I can’t believe I just used that acronym) opening act for a while, amidst speculation that she was a novelty act, owing her place more to her relationship with one of the New Kids, rather than her ability to draw a crowd.  After that, she faced a bitter financial battle between her family and her management that led to her suing her parents for legal emancipation and losing, only to be declared a ward of her grandmother in aftermath.  After several attempted career reboots, she posed for Playboy in 2002 in an attempt to separate herself from her former image (although it was reported that her decision had more to do with her financial situation than career strategy), and to this day Tiffany is performing at various shows and events, acting in B movies, and starring in reality television still trying get the lightning back in the bottle.  Perhaps hers is a sad story, but what I choose to highlight is that the entire time she has been fighting this battle; she’s done it with dignity and withheld her private life from the world.  Sure, people are going to say that the Playboy spread cancels my argument, but I submit that a thirty-one year old mother choosing to pose for a men’s magazine is an entirely different entity than a twenty year old starlet twerking on a thirty-six year old married man on national television.  Tiffany may be desperate for one more crack at fever-pitch fame, but never showed up at the Kids Choice Awards dry humping David Hasselhoff in order to create the inevitable media circus that type of behavior incites, and that is the difference I am trying to explain.

You see Ms. Cyrus, the mistake that you are making (or being advised to make) is that you’re chasing the ability to be provocative so intently in an effort to bury the public’s memory of Hanna Montana, that you’re allowing yourself to be pigeon-holed as that former child star who is willing to do anything for attention (specifically anything slutty to attract that kind of attention) and this willingness has you poised to go right over the edge and into severe emotional/psychological distress.  There’s just such a small margin of error in your business, and the pressure to strike the right chord between provocative and slutty is so monumental, that often times you’re going to be in a room with a bunch of people that are going to tell you whatever they can in order to keep cashing checks off of your notoriety.  And all I’m saying is that at some point you’re going to want to learn how to think for yourself, because the cliff that you’re tip-toeing up to is very, very steep.

I guess I wasn’t done with the soapbox after all. 

-Brando