There are so many movies that live in the hearts of all us out there that for some reason known but to ourselves, we absolutely adore them. What’s worse, if you were asked under penalty of perjury your true feelings about these flicks, you’d totally deny your affection for them. We all know what I’m talking about, that moment when you’re around a group of people and they start talking about how ridiculous a movie is, and you laugh on the outside because you’re a very insecure person; but deep down, all you’re really thinking, is “Are you nuts? That film IS high school for me!”
Eagle Fight
Never Dies!
The horrible rouges gallery of bad flicks that live in all
of our hearts is way too subjective of a topic to take on in this article,
primarily because nine times out of ten, the true reason that people love these
flicks has very little to do with the movies themselves, and in actuality has
much more to do with some memory tied to when the they first experienced
it. Varsity
Blues was a whopping piece of crap when it debuted and I knew it was
terrible while I was watching in the theater, but I remember it so fondly
because not only was it filmed in my hometown but because watching it reminds
me of the time when I was eighteen.
That’s called nostalgia my friends, and it’s a whole different animal.
The fundamentals of superior cinema take an immediate backseat when the opening
credits to crap on film remind you of your first date with your high school
girlfriend.
However, there does exist within the vast wasteland of
sub-par films out there a few scenes that truly blow the doors off of the
movies that they are contained within, and it is those moments that I’d like to
celebrate! Ha-za!
So sit back, relax, and enjoy Brando’s Top Five Best Scenes
in Bad Movies:
5 – Chuck loses Wilson
in Cast Away
The premise of this film is simple, take a likable everyman,
put him in a horrific situation, and watch him struggle and toil over every
aspect of his life. The ambition with
which they produced the film is admirable, they filmed half of it and then took
a year off (while the whole crew went and made What Lies Beneath) in order to let Tom Hanks lose the weight
necessary to portray a man who’s been marooned on an uninhabited island for
four years.
People everywhere were commenting not only about the
incredible physical change that Hanks put himself through, but also the emotional
depth that his performance conveyed; which was pretty much required as the
majority of this film is essentially Hanks on an island talking to
himself. Some folks give it much higher
marks than I do, but I thought it was a little too audacious of an idea, and when
it was all said and done I really didn’t connect with the film at all. In any event, in order to facilitate Chuck’s
descent into solitary dementia and yet keep the audience engaged in a non-schizophrenic
protagonist, they came up with the idea to have Hank’s character Chuck engage
in stunted conversation with a volleyball that accidentally gets a face drawn
onto it. Dubbed ‘Wilson’ (in probably
the best product placement campaign since a certain alien ate a certain candy),
this volleyball came to represent at times not only Chuck’s attachment to
humanity, but also his conscience and/or the other side of his brain. Kudos do go to Hanks for pulling off this
trick on camera, because there are a lot of actors out there who would have turned
Wilson into an excuse for nonstop screen chewing. Instead they turned inanimate sports
equipment into a legitimate character, so much so that when Chuck passes out on
his life raft and Wilson falls into the sea, Hanks emotional breakdown gives
the film it’s only poignant moment. Yes,
I understand that they were taking us on this incredibly difficult journey, and
that they were choosing to emphasize how excruciating every step of Chuck’s life
was, but they simply forgot to keep me involved and caring about the characters,
except for this one moment. In fact, I submit that this scene hit home so well
that it takes away from the intended emotional gut-check of Chuck’s homecoming
with Helen Hunt’s Kelly (who for two good actors, don’t really have a lot of
chemistry).
4 – John Proctor’s claiming of his name in The Crucible
Oddly enough, this is probably the first time that I’ve ever
written about a film that was based upon a play.
Editor’s Note: In no way is that correct. -K
Arthur Miller’s classic, which was two parts classic theater
and one part commentary on McCarthyism, has served high-schoolers for
generations as they learned from the magical world of theater about the dangers
of accusing without evidence, how easily a lie could get out of hand, and that
old wives used to be called Goodies. And then in 1996, they went and made a movie
about it, negating any eleventh graders’ will to ever read the play. And while this version had a couple of things
going for it (Daniel Day-Lewis, and the always welcome Paul Scofield), it
ultimately did not live up to its promise, and became just another retelling of
a classic play on film.
But then comes this scene in the final act. Just as his wife, Elizabeth, and Reverend
Hale have convinced him to swear a lie to witchcraft in order to save his life,
Proctor recants his confession over the condition that he must sign his name to
the document to be displayed in town.
After pleading to be allowed another way, and receiving no mercy from
the court, Proctor tears up his own confession in defiance of expectations and
finally allows himself to crawl out from under his guilt of adultery, and stand
tall as a nothing more or less than a good man.
Day-Lewis does his best to lift this scene to the heavens on
his own, but in the end, what gives it its kick is Joan Allen’s Goody Proctor
refusing to talk him out of his decision, and knowing that ultimately, he is
willing to die rather than lie about this accusation.
3 – Randall and Dante’s conversation in jail in Clerks 2
Kevin Smith may be one of the most self-aggrandizing
bastards in the world, but the cat can spin a yarn. I would probably listen to him tell the
dumbest story in the world, simply because even his most ridiculous moments are
incredibly engaging. Not everything that
he touches turns to gold however and often times (as with most of Hollywood)
when he falls, he falls hard. Clerks 2 is one of these times. This flick has several things hindering it,
starting with the fact that it was made primarily to keep a promise to Jason
Mewes (Smith’s friend and on-screen side-kick) as a reward for his being able
to remain sober, its biggest set piece involved bestiality (because that’s just
hilarious), but its biggest problem is that it’s humor just feels… sort of
recycled. A LOT of the jokes in this
flick are Smith winking at his fan base and saying, “Hey, remember that one time
we did this? Well, here’s the other side
of that punch line!”
But to give credit where it’s due, when the boys find
themselves in jail after an ill-advised bachelor party goes wrong, Dante lets
loose and unloads on Randall in a stinging tirade that lays all of his problems
squarely on his best friend’s shoulders.
And Randall’s response (classic Smith writing as it has just enough
raunchiness to make the sweetness shine through that much brighter) hits home
with enough emotion and rawness that it completely transcends the movie it is
contained within. Bonus points go to
Smith the director for pulling these incredible performances out of these
actors, two guys who are mostly known for… well, being in Kevin Smith films.
2 – The Bartender’s wisdom in The Guardian
Let me take one second to honor the men and women who serve
in the United States Coast Guard. What
you do is an honorable, and most of the time, thankless job and I am grateful
for your efforts. Let me now offer my
condolences for you not getting a better movie.
Like most everyone who saw the trailer to this film, I
thought to myself, “Hey, the Coast Guard is getting its own Top Gun. Too bad it’s gonna have Kelso in it.” But a woman can play funny tricks on a man,
so when my girlfriend at the time wanted to go see it, I packed up my
skateboard and off to the theater we went.
And man oh man, was I ever right about exactly what this
movie was going to be. You take Kelso
(sorry, but that is just that dude’s name) as the angry young rookie needing
guidance, bring in Costner as the jaded old veteran that can give it to him,
throw in a depressing back story (and a depressing current story for that
matter), add a few shots of the ocean and sunsets, shake over ice and bingo!
You’ve got a diet Top Gun where they focus just as much on Viper as they did
Maverick.
While I was sitting in the theater enduring this flick, digging
around my box of skittles and hoping against hope that perhaps I’d missed one
or two of them; out came this scene between Costner and Bonnie Bramlett (yeah,
me neither) where he complains about being old and she rebukes the common
theory about aging with one of the most poignant monologues I had heard in a
long time. Extolling the virtues of
pains caused by a lifetime of living, age spots created by a lifetime of
memories in the sun, and owning the choices you’ve made, Bramlett’s homespun
wisdom culminates in a great summation, “Getting old ain’t bad Ben. Getting old, that’s earned.” This scene is assisted greatly by Costner
getting out of its way and ignoring his character’s constant need to rage
against the dying of the light.
1 – Funeral Scene in Hope
Floats
It’s a well known fact that actors have pet projects in Hollywood, and that often
times they are forced to make films that they would rather not make in order to
secure financing for their dream roles.
In this case, Sandra Bullock agreed to go back to the well and star in Speed 2: Cruise Control, a film about a…
oh, who cares? I know it sucked, Sandra
Bullock knows it sucked, we all know it sucked!
Just don’t tell Jason Patrick, it’s the best opening weekend he’s ever
had.
What the
damn hell?!?
Once filming wrapped on that piece of crap, 20th
Century Fox had to pay up and let Sandy make her pet project, a little film
about a divorcee coping with life’s ups and downs and falling in love in the
process. Directed by Forrest Whitaker,
it was intended to showcase Bullock’s dramatic range and prove that audiences
would sit through a film without explosions or nudity, provided the story was
moving enough. Unfortunately, it did not
accomplish these goals.
Suffering from an overblown script that kept its main
characters static for way too long, only to have them turn on a dime in the
last reel, this film failed to find its pace; not to mention the fact that at
the time this was filmed, Ms. Bullock hadn’t yet turned the corner to real
leading actress and some of the more emotional scenes got drug down from
overacting. And through it all, Gena
Rowlands’ Grandma Ramona provides just enough country wisdom and love to the
group that you just know that come hell or high water… she will absolutely be
dead by the time the credits role.
And when the funeral that you know just had to be coming
begins, and Bullock’s character Birdee Pruitt’s estranged husband shows up for
the inevitable showdown against the Birdee she’s become rather than the one he
left in the opening credits, you know you’re in for that clichéd moment when
she can shine through the pain and put him in his place.
But juxtaposed to this sequence, Harry Connick Jr’s Justin
shows up at the house and starts talking to Travis, Birdee’s young nephew who’s
been all but abandoned by his unseen mother, who for the entire film seems to
be just too busy for him. Furthering the
boy’s alienation by not even showing up for her own mother’s funeral, his mom’s
abandonment causes Travis to feel so alone that by the time Justin gets there
he is just sitting on the porch staring at the post card his mother sent
him. While Birdee and her husband scream
it out in the house, Justin sits down next to Travis and starts talking to him. And when the little boy asks if Justin needs
to go inside to see the other adults, Connick turns in one of his best performances
when he looks at the kid and delivers the film’s best moment, “Didn’t you
know? I came here to see you.” Travis’ unrestraigned relief in just
mattering to someone gives this scene the wings that the rest of the film is
trying so hard to develop. Bonus points
go to this film for including Garth Brooks’ song ‘To Make You Feel My Love” (Hi
Radfords!) For a film that celebrated
sentimentality over substance, that was a pretty damn good scene.
- Brando
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