The 2015 Brando Awards

Hello friends, it’s good to see you again.  Sure its been a while since my last article, and I know I’ve neglected my responsibilities, and for that I’m very sorry, but to be fair… I’m pretty lazy and so it was quite a trek for me to get up the gumption to write a new one.  However, if there is one thing that can motivate me to the keyboard faster than anything, it’s the Academy Awards!  And right now, we’re in that wonderful moment just after the Golden Globes, but right before the Academy Awards, where we can all take a collective breath and say, “really, that’s what got nominated?” 

I’d like to say that even though I was impressed by this year’s cinematic offerings and am excited about the upcoming Academy Awards, the truth is that for the third year going, I’ve actually seen less movies in the theaters than I did the year previously.  Originally, I thought that it was our lack of corporate sponsors over here at SpoilerAlert was what was holding me back (we’re currently accepting any and all applications on this front); and then last year, I thought it was perhaps my busy schedule that was keeping me out of the multiplexes.  But the truth is, and I admit this only to you, today’s films are just not motivating me to plunk down my $13 like they did back in the day.  Does this mean that today’s films are of less quality than they used, to be?  Probably not.  Could it just be that I’m becoming an adult and I have less and less time for these types of things and have to budget my schedule in a more appropriate manner?  Nah, it’s their fault for making so much crap on film.

Pictured: Crap on film

Seriously, I crack wise about this every year or so, but I’d like to mention a couple of things about the Golden Globes before we get into the fun Academy Awards commentary.  As nice as it was to see George Clooney get a lifetime achievement award (good to get that out of the way at 53), and I’m so glad that Ricky Jervais can keep showing up to do that same shtick (other than Margret Cho’s Korean watchdog character, this was the show’s lowest moment), there were some parts that deserve recognition.  Quite frankly, Michael Keaton on an awards stage has been a long time coming.  But even more awesome than yet another Batman wrecking shop, as me and my Scooby Gang sat around watching the Globes, it began to dawn on us that even though they are less prestigious than the Oscars, the Globes are surpassing them in terms of sheer enjoyment and it’s not just they’re allowed to have a lot more fun because they take themselves WAY less seriously.  For my money, the key to this enjoyment is unpredictability.  Not only is it much harder to guess which film/show is going to win in a particular category, very rarely do the Oscars give us a moment like Gina Rodriquez’ tearful shout-out to her dad’s credo.

I’ve gone on and on (and on and on) about what is wrong with the Academy Awards, and I don’t think I need to re-cover that ground in this article, except to say once again some royal shafting is going on over at Academy Central.  How in the world is The Lego Movie not a Best Animated Feature nominee or Interstellar not up for Best Cinematography?!?  Also, I get the audacity of Boyhood, and yes it’s an impressive directorial feat, but let’s not throw the whole deck of awards at this film just because it took as long as FDR’s term to create.  Once again, I am lost as to how these nomination occur (no, none of us are).

However, in the world of film, the Academy Awards is still the brass ring, and as such it remains the most coveted of trophies and the most pretentious of award shows (credit where it’s due, Ellen did a lot to correct this problem last year, and for my money she can have the gig as long as she wants it).  So, in order to contribute my two cents to the magic of awards season, I dug deep for my list of winners this year, and I’m very proud to announce:

The 2015 Brando Awards (and the Brando goes to….)

Editor’s Note: Just a quick reminder that for the films that he’s seen, Brando is going to spoil every single plot point in an effort to convince you that he’s right.  If for some reason you haven’t seen the movie that he’s talking about, please skip over that section until you have seen it, or read at your own risk.  Thanks!

Best Trailer – Selma

  

There are very few people in history that are as revered in the American lexicon than MLK, and according to interviews from the cast and crew, they tried to stay away from portraying the icon of MLK and set out to just make a film about some very brave people that started something amazing in this town.  However, given the fact that the plot of this film is so emotionally charged with preconceived feelings, the biggest question on my mind is whether or not they actually pulled it off.  That is to say, have they made a truly compelling film or did they just create a flattering puff piece?  I’ll have to see the film before I can answer that question.

That said, this trailer hits almost every note perfect, from Tom Wilkinson as LBJ to Oprah as a marcher in peril, the cast looks impeccable and littered with some known thespians that can do this subject justice.  I’m excited to see British actor David Oyelowo’s take on a man who most of us only know through archival footage of one of the greatest speeches ever given in the history of American rhetoric.  Add in the trailer’s driving music, which culminates a great line, “what happens when a man stands up?” dubbed over the image of MLK rising up out of the crowd to do that very thing, and you’ve got me. 

I’ve said this time and again, but the Academy should add a legitimate category for Best Trailer.  Call them fluff and advertising all you want (and they are), but they are an integral part of the motion picture industry, and they don’t get the props they deserve.

Best ‘Who Knew They Could Do That?’ Performance - Tyler Perry – Gone Girl

It seems that every six months or so, I’ll see a trailer for a film about a predominantly African-American cast that seems to deal with love/heartbreak and maybe even a little coming of age subject matter as well.  And right about the time I start thinking, “This looks pretty good, when does it come out?” out jumps Madea, Tyler Perry’s drag character and Golden Raspberry magnet, and I get to roll my eyes.

Editor’s Notes: for those that don’t know, the Golden Raspberry awards, or ‘Razzies’ as they’re called, are the annual salute to the worst performances of the year, and they are typically held the night before the Oscars. 

Look, I get that he’s found signature character that offers a hook (and guaranteed audience) for seemingly ANY script he wants to write, but I simply don’t see the appeal.  I was operating under the assumption that Perry just didn’t have a higher gear and was simply doing the best he could with the talent that was available to him.

And then came this performance, and blew that idea right out the window!  David Fincher’s taunt picture based upon the best-selling novel about a missing wife is already good enough during the first reel, when we’re still trying to figure out if Ben Affleck’s Nick Dunne actually killed his wife or not.  With the world pounding on him and in desperate need of an advocate he turns to Tanner Bolt, an attorney known for taking cases of presumably guilty men.  Bolt’s introduction furthers the slick lawyer perception, as he immediately begins trying to resurrect Affleck’s image and never once asks him if he’s guilty or not.  But Perry’s portrayal of Bolt quickly morphs from a fast-talking shyster into a whip-smart advocate who is not only supportive, but desperately trying to navigate his client through some very perilous waters.

Not only does this guy become a genuine good guy, in what little screen time he has, Perry succeeds in making him very funny, and by the time he leaves our protagonist at the airport, he’s stolen the film away from some very good actors that are all bringing their A-game.  From a film loaded with twists and surprises, Perry’s performance was the most shocking of all. 

So kudos to you Mr. Perry, however this now means that you have absolutely no excuse for Madea.

Best Cameo – Superman and Green Lantern – The Lego Movie

About a year ago, Kyle put out his list of Top 27 Films To See In 2014, and smack there in the middle of the list was The Lego Movie, which he was freakin’ right about! They made a great movie that actually had a plot and was still a nostalgia trip for anyone who grew up in the 80’s playing with those magical little blocks.   But within Kyle’s review, he mentioned that some rather famous super-heroes would be stopping by, and that this film may very well be the best Justice League movie we ever get (with all due respect Mr. Affleck, judging by set stills and the Man of Steel, there’s a good chance he’s right).

This whole movie is dazzling showcase of all Lego sets, and when Emmet and the gang head up to the Council of Master Builders, they really trot out some of their signature characters.  But for my money, the ones to beat are Superman and Green Lantern, played by current reigning bromance, Channing Tatum and Jonah Hill.  Not only does having these guys voice these characters give an immediate call back to 21 Jump Street, their take on Green Lantern being an annoying sidekick that Superman just can’t get rid of is absolutely hilarious.  In a movie literally chocked full of snappy one-liners, the one to beat was Superman’s lamentation of Lantern’s presence in his life after he fails to use his powers to get Supes out of a jam, “I super-hate you.” 

Everything is Awesome indeed!

Best Line – “I am Groot” – Guardians of the Galaxy

Everyone knows that we are living in a golden age of comic book films and the current heavy weight champ is Marvel Studios, the little studio that banked it all on Tony Stark, and ended up reaping the benefits of that gamble and is now re-defining how comic book movies can be done.  In the wake of Nolan’s Dark Knight Trilogy (a cinematic masterpiece, no question) comic book movies were following the pattern to be darker and grittier and to be set more and more in the real world. And while that was pitch perfect for the character of Batman, who is actually an urban vigilante in a badass outfit; larger characters deserve a bigger canvas and I submit that a key element to making any film is to wait until the script is actually good and then build a credible structure on that foundation (I’m talking to you Zack Snyder).

So while DC kept whining about not knowing how to bring Wonder Woman to the screen (shoe-horning her into an over-loaded ensemble piece that already has way too many threads to tie together, brilliant choice!), Marvel went and made an obscure super-team populated by a ragtag group of B characters into the year’s biggest film.  Chris Pratt leads an all-star cast through a hilarious script that was so much funnier and touching than it needed to be.  This is essentially a rocking good time through the galaxy, but James Gunn weaves such heart throughout the journey, that two of the most heart-tugging characters of this year was a CGI raccoon and his CGI walking tree buddy (not a typo, for the three people who didn’t see this movie).  Voiced by Bradley Cooper, Rocket Raccoon is the tough-talking little fireball that snatches movie away from everyone, but the best line of the year comes from Groot, his living tree sidekick, voiced by Vin Diesel, who‘s entire vocabulary consists of the three words, “I am Groot.”  Pratt even chides him about it in the film about how annoying it is that this guy only says that one thing; and to be honest it does kind of drag on for a bit, until they show you that Rocket can understand the subtext of what Groot is saying and starts responding as though it were a two-way conversation (you’ve seen this trick on screen before, more on that in a bit). 

But through it all, Groot’s response never waivers.  Until that one moment (spoiler alert! Hey, I just got that!) when he has to sacrifice himself to protect his new family, and when Rocket objects to what he’s doing, Groot sums up the concept of family once again using just three words, “We are Groot.”  When you take the time to build up the film’s universe so well, you can have a payoff this good from three words.

Best Character I Was Positive I Was Going To Hate – TARS – Interstellar

Christopher Nolan doesn’t do anything halfway, so when he makes a film about humanity’s exodus from Earth once the planet finally gets tired of our destructive nonsense and starts becoming inhospitable, you know it’s gonna be good.  Throw in McConaughey, who is still in the middle of one of the best career re-inventions of all time, and you’ve got a recipe for something amazing (honestly, his performance in this flick could have legitimately get him nominated again).

But the second trailer showed something that gave me immediate pause: on an apparent new world, the astronauts seemed to be walking around with a CGI robot (cue Brando’s Ugh Reaction).  It’s not that all robots on film are bad, it’s just that I couldn’t imagine one fitting into a world like the one that Nolan usually creates on film (thereby violating one of my own tenants of cinema: Trust the Nolan).  So imagine my surprise when it turned out that this character, voiced by Bill Irwin, became one of the most entertaining and endearing of the entire cast.  Not only that but TARS and McConaughey’s interactions are the funniest moments in a film that clocks in at two hours and forty-nine minutes and quite honestly needed a bit of levity to lighten some of the heavier moments. 

Bonus points for the design of TARS and the robots like him.  Introduced as not much more than just a walking ATM, by the time the group launches off to the unknown, TARS is every bit as much of a fleshed out character as the humans he’s traveling with.  By the time the team gets into trouble on a new planet, the designers turn TARS into a very functional machine that serves the humans with incredible functionality.  Never before has the idea of a funny robot been so well done.

Best Re-Inventing of a Beloved Older Character – Han Solo as Rocket Raccoon

Ladies and Gentlemen, and all due respect to Harrison Ford (although your pushing your luck by signing on to #7) meet your new Han Solo.  Remember when I said you’ve seen Rocket’s conversations with Groot before?  Yeah, it was Han talking to Chewie in the older Star Wars films.  In fact, Guardians owes quite a bit to Star Wars, as it’s basically a re-tooled space opera with a lot more gags. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not taking anything away from a movie I LOVED this year, and I truly mean it as compliment when I say that Guardians of the Galaxy is the new Star Wars. 

Bradley Cooper’s readings of Rocket’s dialogue plays exactly like Ford’s portrayal of Han in the original film.  They both get involved for purely monetary gain, only to be sucked in to the cause and actually put themselves on the line (Guardians does this scene particularly well); they both have a tall and strong sidekick that only they can communicate with; they both tend to take charge of situations and become default leaders of the team; and they both succeed in stealing the movie away from everyone else. 

In addition, while Star Wars didn’t have too many emotional moments, Guardians was chocked full of them, and one of the best was Rocket’s drunken confession that he knows he’s a freak and never signed up for this life.  Fans of the Trilogy know that the best line of all of the films comes in Empire Strikes Back when Leah tells Han that she loves him, and he responds like the badass he is, “I know.”  Not exactly a sonnet of emotion, but it shows Han’s reaction to the woman he loves as best he can.  Rocket’s own line, “I didn’t ask to be experimented on!” after Drax repeatedly calls him vermin shares the sentiment of the tough guy not really good at expressing emotion, but needing to get it off his chest.  Bonus points go to Cooper’s skill at the delivery and the designers’ use of the amazing CGI that brought the character to life.

And there they are folks, the 2015 Brando Awards.  And because I love for people to tell me I’m an idiot, here is my list of Bronze Medal winners for the Academy Awards:

Best Picture – The Godfather

Best Actor – Clint Eastwood – Unforgiven

Best Actress – Susan Sarandon – Dead Man Walking

Best Supporting Actor – Burgess Meredith – Rocky

Best Supporting Actress – Julianne Moore – Boogie Nights

Best Screenplay – The Social Network

From all of us here at SpolierAlert, please enjoy the Academy Awards responsibly.

And the Oscar goes to….